In Memory

Nathan Jacen Wren ~ October 2011 ~ Miscarriage, First Trimester.

2014: Memorial Bulb.  Clear bulb filled with white feathers.

May 2015: Nathan's place on my Ancestral shrine, featuring his baby book,
my first crocheted blanket done in the colors of 
Miscarriage & Infant Loss Awareness ribbon colors.
Sitting on it is a blue opal with a "2011" charm.

October 2015's Wave of Light altar:
Baby Book, an angel from his great grandma Patricia,
white candle in a moon and pentacle holder, Kuan Yin, a bowl of the Waters of Life,
his blanket and charm.

May 2016: Mother's Day - I honored Mothers and asked for blessings
and protection for my children.

August 19: Nathan's Day of Hope Prayer Flag.
The butterfly belonged to my grandmother, and represents the Ancestor's
who're caring for him in the Spirit World.


I missed the sunrise, unfortunately, this morning, so I interpreted Day 1 a little differently:

October 1 ~ Sunrise - Dedication. Here is the Sun Rune "rising" out of a black hole, symbolizing the progress that I've made in my healing journey after losing Nathan. I was lost in the darkness, but determined to keep his memory alive through his brothers. Like the sun, I continue to rise and overcome my darkness.

October 2 ~ Who They Are
I found this one a little difficult to do, since I lost Nathan in the first trimester. I don’t have ultrasounds, and in fact, I deleted and trashed all early documentation after the miscarriage, accept the Baby Book I had started filling out for him. I kept it, wanting to trash it, but part of me kept it, hid it away in book boxes. Until 2014, when I decided to make him a spot on my Ancestral Shrine. I needed closure, and pretending that he didn’t exist wasn’t helping.

From there, with the simple edition of the baby book, the space began to grow. First with a blanket that I crocheted for him, one that abruptly stops, for symbolism. One that I hold for comfort on those hard days. Then, a blue opal for healing, a rose quartz for love; stones that I hold for soothing and healing. Fake flowers for eternal vibrancy so that his light may never die. A Kuan Yin statue and an angel from his great grandmother, Beings who’re looking over him and us.

This space is my son, Nathan Jacen Wren. He lives on in memory and in the spirit of his brothers. He lives on with the Ancestors in the World of Spirit. He brought us great joy, great sadness, great lessons, and great hope. I would not be the person that I am today if I had not held him for the little time we had. Blessings to all on your personal healing journies. You are not alone.

October 3 ~ What it felt like in the beginning, after we learned of the miscarriage.  

I also felt like punching out the ultrasound tech when she asked, "Are you sure you're pregnant?" Yeah, because I'm totally gonna show up for an ultrasound without my having already taken many pregnancy tests at my doctor's office. What a way to find out that you lost your baby, someone asking a dumb, insensitive question. Course I was also in shock, so the verbal ass kicking didn't happen.

My doctor ended up doing another ultrasound at her office, and wasn't so rude about it. Just said, "Sometimes these things just happen." A week later, I began the natural process. For months...gritty blood...the remains of my baby on a piece of toilet paper...   For months... 

I don't wish that on anyone.

October 4 ~ Support Circles Due to keeping quiet about it and falling down that hole of depression, I didn’t really have a whole lot of support at first. A little from my husband, but he was also grieving—he lost himself in work and I lost myself in darkness. But he tried. I was just so…disconnected from my life, my family, and my spirituality. However, I often dreamt of being comforted by a huge winged She-Wolf. By my side, gentle and loving A spirit who offered healing and strength. “You’re not alone.” I had just felt so betrayed by my body and abandoned. When I became suicidal, I heard a voice from the darkness, my Goddess, asking me to veil. I began to veil my head. I found others who also felt a call, and I joined their group. Even though the group—Covered In Light—wasn’t geared towards loss, it helped me reconnect to my spirituality again. I began to feel again. I felt the presence of The Madonna and Mary Magdalene, and a subtle Goddess. All were very gentle and encouraging. “You’re not alone.” Through my faith I found my footing again. I found the strength to talk to people that I knew. Little-by-little. After a couple years of fighting my depression, I began talking about Nathan. I began talking to friends. I began to spread miscarriage and child loss awareness on my various blogs and Facbook. Last year, I gave Nathan his own album on my Facebook, and have posted a album for this project for all to see. The more I talk about it, the more others open up. The less we feel alone and disconnected. The more healing can be done. I thank my husband, my friends, my family, blog readers, The Magical Druid for hosting their Ancestral pathworking that one night in October, my friend Christa for gifting me that moonstone pendulum, and my Gods and Spirits. I also thank, my son, Nathan, for whom my part in this project is dedicated to. <3 We’re not alone. Websites that also helped me: - - The Amethyst Network - - Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep (as a photographer myself, my goal is to become a volunteer and help other parents, too) - CarlyMarie - Scribbles and Crumbs

October 5 ~ The Unspoken
Miscarriage and child loss fucks you up. Every pregnancy is filled with doubt and pain. Even after pregnancy, I fear and worry more than normal that my kids are going to die. Anxiety makes it worse. I freak out over little things, like losing eyes on them for a moment—for a fucking second. I’m a ball of stress around other people—I have horrible trust issues with other people, even family, concerning my kids. I have panic attacks and experience moments of PTSD. I’m fucked up.

But, I’m more than that, too. I lost Nathan, for whatever reason, my body couldn’t keep him alive. But I have Lycan and Vincent. It’s weird to think about that if I had Nathan, then I wouldn’t have his brothers today. Nor would I be the person I am and the good mother that I’ve become had I not lost him. I hate saying this, but the miscarriage was a blessing in disguise. I went through hell, lost myself in darkness…my old self burned away. If not for Nathan, I would not be who I am right now. I never would’ve discovered my strength and courage. Nathan was my spark of life. He forever changed my life for the better. Despite all of the bad shit I’ve gone through, I’m grateful. Some hard fucking lessons came from this experience, but they were necessary. That’s my taboo about Miscarriage and Child Loss….seeing good that came from this experience and being thankful for it.

October 6 ~ Empathy
What does Empathy look like to you? Yes, I'm extending this question to the viewers. What is it to you?

There's too much hate and negativity in this world. Not enough empathy.

The above is a picture that I took in 2010-2011. Simple, but out of what I have, I feel that it's perfect. A lot of emotion and symbolism in this little image. There's a lot of compassion the simple gesture of reaching out and holding someone's hand. More than words can ever say.


Oct 7 - Myths 
Myth, Grief has a time limit.
Fact, Grief has no time limit. Recovery is not linear.

October 8 ~ Beautiful Mysteries
When I first took this photo, I was thinking of a shattered future. A child that I'd never get to know. Because of that, i have issues imagining my living children's futures, for fear that they'll die. I don't like thinking about it. Isn't that sad? I don't like thinking about who they might become, for fear of getting my hopes up, I suppose.

But spiders also symbolize wisdom and their webs have a very veilish quality to them. The veil. In my spiritual path, October is the time of the year when the veil between the World of the Living and the World of Spirit is the thiniest. When people tend to have more paranormal experiences because it's easier for both the living and spirit to reach through this veil and communicate.

My son is on the other side of this veil, but his future isn't non-existent. He lives on with our Ancestors. His future has many possibilities in the World of Spirit, from rebirth, to becoming a Guide, and even a Guardian. I know Nathan's still around, he gives us little signs here and there. I'd like to think that he'll become Guardian or Guide to his brothers, if he's not already.

October 9 ~ Surrender & Embrace
The Dark Night of the Soul. This is what I endured after I made the decision to not kill myself early 2012. I was at a point where I didn’t know who I am was anymore, and that was frightening. Lost. Confused. Hollow. Loss of control over my life. Everything was a blur and I was going through the motions, and learned to hide. I felt that hiding would keep me safe from judging eyes.
Unwillingly going through this challenging journey, not only was I forced to face my Shadow Self, but also the Grief Monster. I realized that neither were monsters at all. It was a scary, soul destroying journey, yes, but it wasn’t the end of me. I faced the darkness, I understood it. Accepted it. I surrendered myself to its’ teachings. Embraced it, and eventually learned how to let some of it go. I learned how to cope better, too…and how to talk about it with strangers, then with friends and family.
I arose a new me. It took months and even years to get where I am now—handling the grief in healthy ways, but I don’t hurt and ache as much I used to. I'm not afraid to grieve with others now. Grieving doesn’t mean that a person’s weak. Trying to ignore it is damaging to your psyche and soul. Surrender. Embrace. Release. Heal.
Grief is a welcomed friend. A great healer and teacher for me now.

October 10 ~ Symbols & Signs
Chuga chuga choo choo! I associate trains with Nathan. One day, while I was at the computer in 2015, I took a break and glanced down at one of my kid’s toy trains. It very visibly moved in front of me. 
I tried to debunk the crap out of it! There was no reason for this non-motorized, plastic toy to move like it did. I do believe that was Nathan playing with it, letting me know that he was here. So trains are his thing.

October 11 ~ Creative Heartwork.  
I do plan on getting a tattoo for Nathan (and my other children), but until then, I’ve crocheted him a blanket and a Day of Hope Prayer Flag.  I also make Memorial blankets for others, because I’ve found great healing and comfort in the items that I’ve made for my child.  Why not spread that love and healing to others?

Also, the paragraph spacing is doing something strange and I don't know how to fix it.  It's driving me crazy, especially since it doesn't look like this in the editor...

October 12 - Lemons & Lemonade
Not just a stronger me, but also a stronger, happier family. My husband and I survived the loss and thrived. We’ve been changed in good ways, and are closer as best friends and partners.

After Nathan, came my rainbow baby, Lycan. 16 months after that, our preemie Vincent. Traumatic difficult pregnancies, but beautiful results.

Vinny was a month early and spent a bit of time in the NICU, then he got sick at 6 weeks and nearly died.  Difficult times, but I had faith in the medical team, in the Gods and Ancestors who watch over us, I was thankful for the prayers and energy sent, and knowing that if….IF something bad happened to Vin he wouldn’t be alone. Nathan would be there to guide and comfort him. Knowing that gave me hope and strength. Just like the NICU, Vinny only spent 8 days in the PICU.  Thank the Gods.

We’re a stronger, happier, and closer family. It’s good to know that Nathan’s just on the otherside, to guide, to protect, and always there to comfort us when we need it.

For as emotionally messed up the miscarriage made me, I’m also a better person because of it. A better wife and mother. I've been humbled by this experience, and am more grateful for this life and those in it. I've promise Nathan, Lycan, and Vincent that I'll never go back to that dark place or to that pessimistic person I was before. I'll strive to only do that which inspires, heals, and spreads love. 

October 13 ~ Dear World
This anxiety, depression, and PTSD....I can't turn it off to make you more comfortable.  I could do without the negative remarks and rude jokes about my parenting style.  Until you take the time to ask me my reasons why...keep your judgement to yourself.  If you're unable to show compassionate, at least be civil.

October 14 - Beliefs & Spirituality
I didn’t think that my devotion could become any stronger until the miscarriage. I felt that my faith was deep already.

When this miscarriage happened, I was in a dark place. I felt betrayed by my body and abandoned by my Gods. I was so angry at Them and the Spirits for not warning me that this would happen. Instead I had been given a pleasant dream of playfully chasing my child through a moonlight field. Then we stopped beneath Sister Moon, and the child disappeared into Her. I took it as a beautiful blessing. But perhaps that was the warning?

As I’ve mentioned in Support Circles, I was depressed and couldn’t feel Anyone. I angrily cursed Them, but also begged for contact. In my darkest moments, as I contemplated suicide, my Matron spoke to me and asked me to begin veiling my head, promising healing. So I did as She asked, and wasn’t disappointed. The headcovering connected me to Her and the Others, it acted as a filter and a shield, protecting me from myself and the outside world of those who may not understand. I began to feel beautiful and confident, and was able to climb out of that hole.

Months upon months, I was finding myself again, as well as discovering healthy ways to cope with my depression and my grief. My connection to the Powers was stronger than ever. I learned even if They can see the pain that’s coming….sometimes we have to go through these terrible events to find our strength and courage, and without Nathan, I wouldn’t have. I used to be so pessimistic and hypocritical, and that was extremely damaging. I chose to see the positives in life. That no matter how bad something was, it could be worse. Instead of allowing that fear and anxiety to cripple me, I’d turn it into something positive, into a lesson. Grow from it. I had to learn how to do this for the sake of my other children and my marriage.

I gained greater healing when a friend of mine gifted me with a pendulum one October. Through that moonstone pendulum I was able to make contact with my son. Knowing that he was safe and happy brought a lot of closure, and opened doors. He wants me to live my life. To be happy. What happened isn’t my fault. I’ll never forget him or the blessings that he’s brought to this family.

My faith in my Gods, the Ancestors, the Spirits, myself, and even other people is stronger than it’s ever been. I am more open to the Universe and it’s lessons and blessings. Today, I still cover my head to show my love and gratitude to my Goddess, and to the Other who helped, I've taken Their lessons to heart, and strive to be a more compassionate person. I am eternally grateful.

October 15 - Wave of Light 

October 16 - Full Moon Retreat ~ Super Hunter's Moon

October 17 - Sacred Space
I do have a place for Nathan on my Ancestral Shrine.  He has his own growing corner of gifts and things that remind me of him, including the first blanket that I made.  The blanket that I touch when I need to.  

October 18 - Healing Therapies
Art.  Self expression.  Getting my emotions out of myself through journaling, blogging, arts & crafts, fine arts.  I learned how to crochet.  I got serious about my photography passion.  I got these emotions out of me, instead of letting them sit inside and fester.  I chose healthy outlets, including making gifts for my son, like the holiday bulb pictured.  

 October 19 ~ Grief Rituals
On Dark Moons, Mother’s Day, Day of Hope, the Wave of Light, Ancestor’s Day (Oct 31), and his brother’s birthdays, I light a candle for him, and give offerings of milk or candy.  

October 20 - Gratitude 
I started keeping a gratitude jar in 2014.  Although it’s packed away and I wasn’t able to fill it for a whole year, It definitely helped in me becoming more positive. In seeing good and lessons.  In not being crushed by overwhelming anxiety and negativity.

October 21 - Relationships
I haven’t lost any relationship strictly due to the miscarriage, but it, combined with other events, helped me to cut away toxic relationships.  Life’s too short to walk on egg shells and  endure abuse and disrespect.  I’m living this life for me and my family. I have to do what I have to, for my kids.  I don’t want them growing up in the atmosphere that I did.

In looking at who I was in 2011 and who I am now, I've made progress that I'm proud of. I think that's why Nathan entered my life. To help me. He's brought great joy, great sadness, great darkness...but he gave me a torch to light my way. Guiding me, helping me discover my strength and courage. To make healthy, albeit them difficult, choices. It's necessary to heal and reach my potential. Because of that yes some relationships have been lost, but I've gained others and strengthened currant bonds.

I just remember how quickly things can change... I'd rather be surrounded by people who inspire me and bring happiness.

Nathan taught me to see my self worth.

October 22 - Pearls of Wisdom
When this episode aired, I was anxious, depressed, and just trying to hang on to anything. When Aang said this line, I broke down. It's been a powerful reminder for me every since. Whoever wrote this line was absolutely correct. 

I've also learned that you need to make that change. It's not just going to happen, miraculously. You can't rely on others, you have to take your own destiny in your hands. Stay dedicated, even if it takes years. But don't disconnect. If you need help, call out. Seek it. Get the help you need. Don't suffer alone. Don't give up.

 October 23 - Sights, Seasons + Sounds
I conceived Nathan in September and lost him in October. I'll always be able to find him in my favorite season, the season of life and death.

October 24 - Consciously Becoming
"So many of us split our lives into a timeline of before and after our children died. Who were you before your children died? Who are you now? Who are you now in this present moment? What are you feeling? Have you been changed by the death of your children? How are you different now? Do you love anything about the new you? Do you want and old part of you back? Who are you becoming?"

I didn't like who I was before Nathan. I was pessimistic, hypocritical, lazy, and beaten down. I had very low esteem.

After? I feel different. I like who I am now. For the first time, I don't feel held back by my anxieties anymore. I was told to Live. To overcome my fears. I'm liking who I'm becoming. I don't know what my future will hold, but I feel like I'm finally on the right path.

October 26 - What Heals You
Art heals me.

October 27 - Family is Forever
Hubby, Nathan, Wolfman, Warrior, and Me.

October 28 - Self Compassion
"Be gentle with yourself."

Day 29 - Give Away Your Love
Last night, I was at a Samhain party, where I volunteered to do divination readings. It's not an easy thing for me, to put myself out there, where most folks are strangers or acquaintances. I'd rather blend into the background and listen. But I sometimes giving a reading can be healing for some people. It can put your mind at ease, and even act as a guide for an issue. I had my tools and I was willing to read for anyone who wanted a free reading.

I really connected with an older lady who was lovely and kind, and everything that the reading said she was. We talked about her question. I listened. I tried to help ease her worries, and I think I did help her a bit. We also connected through crochet, too. I enjoyed meeting her.

The box in the picture is what one of the guests gave me. She walked up and asked if I wanted it. It had runes inside of it. It was interesting and cool, and as I'm a lover of wooden boxes, it's a lovely, random gift. I'll put it to good use, remembering the importance of spreading love and compassion, especially to strangers. I told my anxiety to take the back seat for once, so I could do my part to help someone else. It felt really good. No matter how small the act seems to be, it can have a major impact on someone else.

October 30 - My Promise to You
To never forget the life changing lessons you've brought to our lives. To pass these lessons onto your siblings, hopefully they'll grow up into the kind, compassionate strong people that this world needs.


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