Saturday, July 16, 2016

Overwhelming Fear and the Importance of Communication

Also later, hubby plans on taking out 3-year-old to a soccer game.  I think it's a terrible idea.  Doesn't help that I had a dream where the family was out at a crowded place.  I left to go to toilet, and my hubby ran up to me, without the kids, to tell me something.  I flipped out on him, wanting to know where the kids were.

"It's fine, they're playing."

We found Wolfman, wandering towards us.  Then I saw Warrior off in the distance.  He got bored and started wandering through the crowd.  I was able to get to him before anything terrible happened.

Shitty dream, just da hell subconscious!

And my husband's done this before, at a Chuck E Cheese.  Wolfman was playing in the tubes and he left Warrior playing on another toy, and came up to me, who was saving a table.  I was already anxious and overwhelmed by the chaotic energy, then to know that he didn't have eyes on our kids, too?  Oh, I was fuming.  I freaked out and ran to see where the kids were.

My husband just isn't the brightest when it comes to safety.  He says he understands how quickly a child can go missing, but I don't think he really gets it.  In an instant, someone can snatch your child.  In an instant, they can be lost.  Gone.  Injured or dead.  According to him, I'm overprotective and allowing my illnesses to get the better of me.

Maybe I am, but he just doesn't use his brain sometimes.  I really don't want him to take our son to this crowded soccer game today.  Because I don't trust his judgement.

It's hard to have faith in your spouse when they'd rather play games on their phone than keep an eye on your kids.  Then they think it's okay to walk away from the kids in a public place, while they're playing.  He's a fuckin idiot sometimes.  He doesn't understand how quickly happiness can be taken away.  It's like he doesn't remember the miscarriage or our time in the NICU or the PICU.

Yeah, I do have anxiety, depression, and PTSD.  Yes, I can be a paranoid helicopter parent, but damn it, there are some thing you DON'T DO IN A PUBLIC, CROWDED SETTING!  He's so naive sometimes.

I'm going to drill him today before they leave--the dos and donts.  Take my anxiety medication and distract myself from my fears.  Pray that Hecate and the Ancestors are watching Wolfman, and they keep the fire lit under his oblivious father's ass, too.

But then, I'm also hoping that Wolfman craps his underwear today and can't go to the soccer game...

I have told him my concerns, and about the dream (when he got home today).  He fell silent.  He's actually taking my fears to heart and is thinking about his past mistakes with the kids.  Maybe this will be a turning point for him and us?

* Update: They've been gone for an hour and I actually haven't felt the need to take my anxiety medication.  Our talk helped me a lot.  My mind's not racing through the usual what ifs, I'm not nervous.  I'm just chill.  Waiting for them to get home.

That being said, I made sure Wolfman wore bright colors and I took pictures of him with hubby's phone before they left....just in case the terrible happens.

I'm also fighting the urge for a divination reading.  Just gotta have faith in my husband and his brother that nothing bad will happen, right?

Overall, my husband's not a bad father, he's actually really great.  Wolfman is only 3, it's a learning experience for us both.  I was raised to be cautious of Stranger Danger, getting lost, and staying near your family in crowded places.  We had passwords and were taught to avoid certain people, to never go inside someone's house unless our parents had met, and never into their vehicle unless you had permission.

My husband grew up in an area where they didn't have those problems (I'm sure they did).  Or least it wasn't something that his mom seemed to emphasize (at least it doesn't seem like it).  My dad is also paranoid and thinks the world is out to get him, yet, once upon a time, when my BFF was really young someone offered to buy her off of her father at a 4th of July celebration.  So, yeah, world's messed up.

I don't want our kids to be paranoid, but I do want them to be smart and cautious.  There's a lot of sick people in the world.  These are things that my husband needs to be aware of, too.  The only way to teach him is through positive communication.

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