Wednesday, April 27, 2016

I Just Need a Moment to Vent. Collect Myself. See the Goal.

Seems like it's the days that you need to hear or feel your Guides, Guardians, and Deities the most that They're all silent and distant.  Maybe it's me, subconsciously blocking them?  Some have chosen to communicate through the laptop, the internet.  But that's not always enough.

Every morning it's the same thing with these kids.  They wake me up with sounds of trouble.  I go in, calm at first.  Explaining.  Making them fix whatever they destroyed.  I go back to bed because I'm exhausted.  They do it again.  This time I'm louder.  I yell.  I discipline.  Go back to my room because I'm frustrated.  Again it happens.  I discipline.  I cry.  I separate them.  They promise to behave.  But then it starts all over in the morning.

Today, I self harmed just to feel something other than frustration and failure.  Didn't help.  Now I'm just disappointed in myself for losing control and hurting myself.  Even left two very visible scratches on my cheek.  For a moment, I even thought about suicide.  Realized how stupid that was, how I never wanted to go back to that place.  THAT is never a solution, no matter what the Destructive Guides say.

Every day they break me more.  I don't know what to do anymore.  It's my fault that they're like this.  I've tried various ways of parenting and discipline, even that fluffy shit.  Nothing's working.  I've taken time away from them.  Nothing's working.  Give them less sugar.  Nothing's working.  We take them to the park, get them to play all of that energy out.  Nothing's working.  Take away toys, favorite blankets, tv time, priveleges.  Nothing's working.  We interact with them, play with them, learn with them.  Nothing's working.  Wake up before or with them to prevent this behavior.  Nothing's working.  Consistency.  Nothing's working.  I meditate.  Get more sleep.  Nothing's working.

I just wanted...needed to hear Someone's voice this morning, or to feel Their presence.  Instead, I was left with just myself, my tears, and a burning pain on my face.  I felt abandoned.  Like they saw me lose my shit and go back on a promise to myself and were disappointed.  Silent treatment.

I know that's not true.  But that's how depression works.  Self-Loathing.  Self-punishment.  Punishment's not working for the kids, so it must be me.  I have to punish myself.  I'm such a fucking failure.

Maybe I am blocking?

I just don't know what to do anymore.  Take everything out of their room, leaving only mattresses?  The only place to put that stuff is Goodwill.  We have no room.  Cancel the birthday party?  What will I take away after Saturday?  I have no leverage.

Sometimes i think that maybe it's best to put fear into them and start spanking them.  Make them pick their own switch.  Keep a paddle or a belt hanging over a doorway where they can see it, to remind them to obey.

That's how it was for us.  Fear.

Now...I don't even talk to my dad anymore.  Never mind that I don't know the difference between spankings and beatings,  he said he spanked us but he was beating us.  I know what child abuse is.  I know what beatings are.  Or me anyway, I don't know how it was with my brother.  He never wants to talk about it.  Pretend it never happened so he can have a excuse to pity our father and give him a good life by paying for everything.  Meanwhile, I can't do that.  I hate and resent him.  And it's causing a rift between my brother and I, and that saddens me.

I don't want my kids to fear me, though.  I will never use physical punishment against them.  I'd rather turn on myself.  We will never spank our kids.  Never hit them.  Never use emotional or mental abuse as forms of "discipline".  I don't believe that it does anything anyway, except make the parent feel better, to give them an outlet for their frustration. Or so goes my personal experience with my dad.

I've thought about it, though, spanking.  Some kids need it, some kids it works for.  But not all.  But then spanking....discipline in general, like parenting, doesn't have that one trick that works for everyone.  But I fear that I'll lose control and become my father.  So I walk away.  I break down in my room.  I pray for strength.  I beg for presence.  I become hallow a little bit each morning.

I don't know what to do anymore.  I'm not strong enough for this.  Day in and day out.  6 morning's a week.  Same bullshit.

I take breaks.  We're too poor for baby sitters or daycare.  We literally can't afford for me to work during the day.  I feel trapped and I can't find a way out.

My husband says we'll find a solution when he gets home.  Another.  Another.  Another.  There is no solution.  He tells me to endure.  I'm reaching the end of the rope.  I'm not strong enough for this.  These kids are breaking me more and more each day.

Mommy's a mess, but the kids are happy, healthy, cheerful.  I'm trying to not be this screaming monster, this broken woman in front of them.  It's getting harder.  I'm just so angry and I don't know the source for it, other than exhaustion.

That's the problem with someone who was "spanked".  For those who don't want to continue the cycle of abuse....you weren't taught proper discipline.  Nowadays, with all of the sanctimommies out there condemning other forms of punishment, like even saying "no" is a form of child abuse.  Those fucking idiots clearly don't know what child abuse is.  They say yelling is child abuse.  Not even insulting your kids (which is), just yelling to get their attention, to make them get that you mean business.  That's considered child abuse to some of these fluffy fucks who clearly don't know what real child abuse is.

Others say that as long as it doesn't leave a mark, it's not child abuse.  Emotional and mental abuse doesn't leave a physical mark, but it still fucks you up.  That's child abuse.  My dad could beat me in such as way to cause lots of pain....and not leave a physical mark.  It was still child abuse.

It's confusing, but I will never physically, mentally, or emotionally harm my children, to use these things as a form of "discipline".

But I don't know how to make discipline work.  The kids know right from wrong, especially Wolfman.  He knows the difference, yet he still acts out.  Vinny, monkey see, monkey do.  I've taken advice, read various parenting websites, forums...

It's gotta get better though, right?  At least they're not this way in public.  They actually listen--most of the time--in public.  I guess I'm doing something right.  They mind us outside, in public.  Shit, even some spankers kids don't do that.  Really, the only time the kids are terrible is in the morning, when they're in their room.  Most of the time, they're not too bad.  Still have some temper tantrums and typical 2 and 3-year-old behavior issues and such.  Normal stuff compared to other kids.

It's mainly in the mornings, after they wake up that they're destructive and really misbehave.  I just wish that they'd stop tearing up their mattresses, flipping their beds over, climbing on their dresser, and tearing up their closet (we had to remove the doors, because they broke them).  I almost want to use that plastic wrap that warehouses used to wrap up cargo, use that on their dresser, with boxes on top of it to try and prevent them from climbing, and reaching the higher part of their closet that has the extra bedding, boxes, and miscellaneous things.  Might be the next step....or something similar.  Something that they can't tear apart and possibly swallow.

Could be worse, I guess.  I could be a much weaker person who resorts to violence and pretends that it's discipline.  Who walks about and calls myself a good parent, while my kids resent and fear me.  I could be as weak as my dad.  So there's that.  I will continue to fight to not become him.

Something's gotta work....this phase has gotta pass eventually.  Something's gotta sink in.

I'm not alone, even if I can't always hear or feel the Powers.  Other parents struggle, too.  Other parents survive and have a happy, healthy family life.

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