Friday, July 31, 2015

Birthdays on the Brain!

I've got birthday fever and there's no birthday in sight!  Well, except my husbands, but due to it being October 30th, it always has a Halloween theme.  And we're doing Halloween at my uncle house.  Covered.

Wolfman's birthday is in December, but I haven't really a clue for him yet.  This year he might be old enough to tell me what he wants his theme to be, but I have an idea: Vehicles, construction, trains, tractors, dinosaurs, Blaze and the Monster Machines, Bubble Guppies, Peppa PigTeam Umizoomi, or even Paw Patrol again.  I'd say that I don't like repeat birthday themes, but I remember having The Lion King three years in a row!  So mommy can't talk.  And now there's PP birthday themed stuff.

He'll want it all.

I kinda want to do Peppa Pig, because that show is in his top three and he loves pigs.  Something that he actually has in common with Warrior.  This show annoys my husband, though!  But Wolfman will sit on our bed, watching it, with a truck, Gil (Bubble Guppies), and Peppa!  His favorite colors right now are green and pink.  But we'll see!

But the birthday on my mind is Warrior in April!  As of now, he's into animals, so I'm going back to that Magical Woodland theme, tying in his birthday with May Day.  Or maybe just farm animals?  I dunno, but I'm thinking about it!

I know that I want it to be cute and vibrant, not sophisticated--more colorful than his Monster party.  And this time, I'll be a bit more specific with his cake, unless I decide to make it myself this year.  If I do make it myself, I want to add LittlePeople's animals to the cake, and since we already have farm animals, I'll probably go with the safari theme...or just use what I have!  I dunno.

Although I'm also thinking about doing the cupcake cake again, it was just less mess and less trash.  And it tasted good.

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Polar Opposites

I know comparing is bad, but this post is more about how opposite my boys are from each other, at Warrior's age:

  • Was (still is) into vehicles.  He also loved his black cat, which is now Vin's. (Now, Lycan is heavily into Paw Patrol, Bubble Guppies, Peppa Pig, and Team Umi Zumi.)
  • Loves TV!
  • Very Active
  • Start walking a couple days before he turned one
  • Was (is) a chatterbox, with words
  • Loved books
  • Wasn't a picky eater
  • Loved(s) veggies
  • Is a daddy's boy
  • Daddy was his first word
  • Has separation anxiety
  • Does not have a high pain tolerance
  • Gets rashes a lot
  • Likes grass
  • Cried a lot, especially for naps and bedtime.
  • Didn't like to hang out in his crib.

  • Prefers to chuck brother's vehicles under the couch.  He's far more interested in balls and animals.  Almost always is carrying around his piggy, bunny, black sheep, or llama.  
  • Doesn't care for TV or the computer videos.
  • Is more chill and laid back.
  • Is beginning to stand, by pulling himself up.
  • Says words here and there, but mostly baby babble.  However, he looooves watching your mouth when teaching him words.  And he understands pretty well.  
  • He likes to throw books....
  • Is super picky eater. 
  • Hates veggies.  We have to disguise them with fruit or sweet potatoes.
  • Is a total momma's boy.
  • Mommy was his first word.
  • Does not have separation anxiety.
  • Has a high pain tolerance.
  • Hardly ever gets rashes.  
  • Hates grass.
  • Cried once in a while, but overall pretty easy for naps and bedtime.  
  • This kid will just hang out in his crib for hours!  Just playing, laughing, babbling.  I normally don't grab him until he's ready to come out.  

There's other differences and of course, they do have some similarities.  They both love kisses, being tickled, both love fruit, both like being outside, and are totally about the ladies.  They know they're cute.  

Wolfman is more of a sweet heart, less of a trouble maker, but Warrior is a total Sour Patch Kid.  Naughty at first, then sweet.  And he's vindictive!  Whenever his brother pisses him off, Warrior chucks one of Wolfman's toys or cup under the couch or hides it.  But fair is fair, since Wolfman will hide Warrior's binkie.  But Warrior's not as addicted to the binks like his brother was.

On one hand, I'm prepared for their differences (and am totally dreading Warrior's terrible two's, because Wolfman's not that bad for a toddler), and yet, I'm unprepared.  But that's parenthood.  You think you have it figured out, then BAM, curve ball.

I enjoy their differences.  Well, there's pros and cons, of course, but ya know.  It's fun to look at them.  For those of you with more than one child, or with siblings--especially close in age--just how similar or different are you/your kids from your/their siblings?

Want to Change the World? Start With Yourself

Two days ago, I had a throw down of sorts with two family members online.  I made a point and used an example, they focused on the example, and spewed hatred.  No matter how hard I tried to get them to see the point and not the example, they just kept going.  To the moon, to pluto, and they haven't returned.  Just floating around in space.

One of them mocked and insulted me, for no reason, other than a disagreement.  This is a person whom I held in high regard.  I never insulted them.  I did nothing to warrant that treatment.  I was hurt.  I did lash out, but I owned my mistake and apologized, because I feel that insults automatically invalidate a person's point.  I wanted to keep it civil, at least on my end.  

Their behavior was a reflection of them, and my behavior is a reflection of me. 

I spent the last two days trying to figure them out....which is foolish and caused me unnecessary stress.  I wanted to know why they felt it was okay to 1) keep ignoring the point of the post, and 2) insult and mock me.  I did nothing wrong.  I wasn't trying to change them, to force an opinion or belief on them, yet they felt their actions were justified.  

One of them told me they were going to blast me on their wall, and that I might not want to see it because they were going to offend me.  

What's the point in doing that?  I never made my point to attack or offended anyone.  THEY made the effort to get offended.  Yet, they intended their post to hurt me.  I didn't see it.  I decided to unfollow them.  I don't need that type of behavior in my life.  I've got my own emotional baggage to deal with.
I've been working on myself since I met my husband in 2007.  I didn't like who I saw in the mirror.  I was a very angry person.  I didn't want to drive people away due to my insecurities, my rage, or any of my other negative attributes.  I wanted to change, to be a better, more compassionate person.

Trust me, it's been a fight.  I've gone through a Dark Night of the Soul, and the Spirits are telling I'm about to go through another one.  Dark Night of the Soul's suck.  They're so difficult and soul crushing, but if you survive, you'll be rebuilt.  You'll rise from the ashes as a stronger, better person.  Or at least I did back in 2012.  

I've fallen many times, reverted to the old me a few times.  I'm not proud of it, but progress isn't linear.  I'm making an effort to be civil, kind, and compassionate towards others.  To not get offended by their opinions, even if that's their intention.  It's a work that's been in progress for many years.  

I'm doing this for myself, but mainly for my kids.  I don't them to grow up thinking that it's okay to insult, mock, and hate someone because of a difference.  That's a weakness, not a strength.  I have to lead by example.  You can't change other people, but you can work on yourself, and hopefully positively influence others.  Maybe influence isn't the right word....inspire others to want to make a change in their lives.

I had a good friend die last week.  She wasn't perfect, but she was a phoenix.  I'm just so tired of seeing so much hatred and negativity, especially over petty crap.  There's no point in it, other than to give false happiness.  To cover up insecurities.  She wasn't perfect, but when she put her mind to something, she worked for it and she achieve it  She's an inspiration.  Her bright flame is guiding my path, just as my candle guided her so many times before when she was at her most troubled times.  

I'm done trying to figure others out.  I'm focusing on myself.  I'm changing my outlook on the world.  Changing what I see.  Hopefully, I'll be able to have a positive influence on my children, in the way that Brynn has had on me.


This is not me, being better than anyone else.  This is me doing me.

Monday, July 27, 2015

More cute stuff to log here for baby book

July 27, 2015:
Lycan was in timeout today, which is in his room.  The baby kept going to the hallway, back into the living room, trying to say, "Brother".  He wanted his brother out of time out.  lol.  I took his partner in crime away.  

Lycan lays across Dave's lap and says, "Got a gooey geyser" then he farts! HAHAHAHAAAAAA, my kid.

As Dave said to Vin, "You can't even stand up on your own, how are you going to climb up on my back?" With the help of the couch, Vin stood up on his own for the first time. Proud mama! 

Thursday, July 16, 2015


When I first had the miscarriage, we hid it from everyone, except the three people that we told.  Over the years, it's gotten easier to talk about it.  To my mom accidentally finding out and not making a big deal about it (which I'm thankful for) to me telling a few people here and there.  I have no problem telling strangers on the internet, especially those who've experienced loss.  It's cleansing and healing.  Freeing.

But then there's family and Facebook...

I've dropped hints here and there, and I typically post a lot of articles about miscarriages and loss, especially from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep.  I do this because I enjoyed the article, or they had a deep healing affect on me, and because I have family and friends who've also experienced loss.  I want to share these articles with them.  Discreetly.  And to also just spread general awareness.  But I never came right out and said 'Hey, I had a miscarriage' because I wasn't that comfortable with certain people knowing, like my dad, for example.  I didn't feel like it was any of their business.  But then I post pictures of my Ancestral Shrine and it feels wrong not saying Nathan's name.  It feels wrong to not mention him, especially when I mention other family members.

Tonight, I published his name.

I'm nervous.  I'm fighting the urge to delete the photos and his name....but I don't like how that feels like I'm trying to erase him, like I spent many times in those early dark days.  I tried so hard to forget.  Now, I embrace his memory.  I share him with strangers often, but not really with my family.  I'm even a little nervous saying his name around my husband and BFF.  I just trip up, I guess.  I always pause, then continue on.  I don't know why I do this?

Most people either don't care or don't want to hear about something like this, so more than likely I don't get too many questions.  But some folks are also a bit more curious.  Part of me is just saying to give him an introduction to cut down on questions, but another part isn't quite ready.

I'm proud of him, I cherish our time together, when he was a alive inside me and as a spirit.  I love him.  So I've taken the leap, so to speak.  If someone asks, "Who's Nathan?"  I'll tell them.

I have three children.  One in the Spirit World, two here.

Sunday, July 12, 2015

I Don't Normally Do This...

...I can't get this child out of my head.  I've never been affected so deeply by a story of a missing, injured, murdered, or abused child.  Yes, it hurts and it does saddened me, but this little boy has me deeply moved.

Every since I saw this news story about Deorr Kunz, Jr--a 2-year-old who went missing on Friday, while on a camping trip--I haven't really been able to focus on anything else.  I don't know this family, yet since Friday, I've prayed to Kuan Yin and to the Deities who watch over children.  I've prayed that his Guardians are protecting him, keeping him safe.  I'm checking the news for any new information.  Waiting.

Facing reality and knowing how these sorts of events end--usually in death, unfortunately--I've asked that his spirit is reunited with his loved ones.  That he's no longer afraid or suffering.

I ask that his loved ones are shown compassion and given strength, courage, healing, and love.

I ask that he is found.  Preferably healthy and okay.  Safe and sound.  But found.

Every time I see my 2-year-old, I think of that little boy and am sure to hug my children tighter.  It's so easy to lose them.  I think it's because of Wolfman that I put myself in their shoes.  I can't shake what the family must be going through.

My heart goes out of that family and to the searchers.  I have a charged candle lit, with his name on it, praying for the best and sending my love and energy to this baby and his loved ones.  I hope that they find peace.

I'm finding myself praying for a lot of children these days.  My husband keeps telling me to avoid the news.  Maybe he's right?  I dunno...

Saturday, July 11, 2015

Yes, Sometimes I Am A Helicopter Parent...Deal With It

I had a family member scold me for hovering over my toddler.  They made fun of me.  But did they ask me why?  No.  It was easier to just judge and mock, instead of inquiring why.

If she asked why, maybe she would've learned that I hover because of a miscarriage and when the common cold almost killed my 6-week-old son.  I'm traumatized, still. Terrified of losing another child, knowing that it's so easy.  One moment they're here and the next gone.

My reason probably would've made her as uncomfortable as her insults made me.


"He's never gonna have confidence."

"Momma's boy."

"Cut the umbilical cord, mom!  Let that boy play and learn from his mistakes!"

Sometimes I hover because I'm terrified of losing my child(ren).  Sometimes it's overwhelming fear.  I try to hold it in, to force it down, as to not upset my child.  I take care to not get in others way, yet my child is also my focus.

"He'll be fine."

How do you know that?  Fear and Anxiety demand.  You can't know that?  Don't tell me how to fucking parent, how to take care of my kid!  Mind your business!  

I put her, and others who joined her laughter, in their place with blunt honesty.  Shut them up.  Ignored their "Oh, I'm sorry!"  Hollow, empty apologies.  Hopefully next time they'll question first, then judge...or maybe just do away with judgement and mockery altogether?

They tried other words of, I guess, sympathy and encouragement, but I put my hand up.  I knew what they were going to say--fairly logically things, things that I often tell myself--I didn't need to hear it from someone who was so cruel a moment ago, now pretending that they genuinely cared.  "Stop.  Next time, just think before you speak.  Try asking first, instead of just laughing.  A little civility goes a long way."

I try not to hover so much, but I can't always help it.  It's actually easier when people aren't around.  At home, the house is pretty baby and toddler proof, so I'm able to relax more and let them do their own thing.  I do supervise them, of course, but I don't hover over them.  But outside, or away from home, I hover.

All I can think about is the worst scenario.  What is someone snatches them from the yard?  What if he gets excited by the cars and goes into the street? Does that other house have stairs?  Make sure you watch him on those stairs!  Do they have a pool?  WATCH HIM!  Anytime I can't see him, I freak out inside, it almost always spills out frantically.  Me trembling.  Tears welling in my eyes.  Voice shaky.  Even if he's just on the other side of the car in the driveway.

Our backyard is huge, neighbors behind us have mean dogs.  Even though the fence is fixed, if Wolfman gets too far from me, I "see" one of those dogs pulling him off of his tractor.  I can't help it.  I just try to squash it and stay vigilant.  Have faith that it's going to be okay.  The fence is fixed.  The dogs are locked up in their high fenced yard.  He's going to be okay.  He's going to come back, yet I often walk to the middle of the yard, because the next scenario is someones running from the other side of the unfenced yard and snatching him.

I try to stay calm.  I envision him protected by an orb of light.  I pray to Hecate to keep him safe.  I pray to Artemis to keep dangers and threats out of the yard.  Anything to calm me down.

Anytime my husband leaves with one or both kids in the car, always the first thought that comes to mind is What if this is the last time I see them?  What if they get into a car accident?  I always want to go together.

What if, what if, what if????? 

Concerns that I hope other parents have too (well, I know they do), only they're not as anxious as I am.  At least not so openly.  I know that I'm not alone.  Everyone's got their reasons.

Paranoia.  I try not to have these unhealthy fears and concerns, but I can't always help it.  I anxiously ask my Spirit Guide if--to the best of their knowledge--that they're going to be okay.  That they're going to come back home unscathed.  I worry and fret until I see the car come up the driveway.  Then I finally relax.

I'm not as crazy as I used to be, but some days are worse than others.  But with family or trustworthy friends, people who I know will watch my children, I'm more trusting.  Able to relax a bit and enjoy myself.

Just ask first, save your judgement and your jokes for your friends.  If you're going to mock another parent for doing what they believe is right, at least wait until they're out of earshot.  Mocking is not encouragement.  You're not helping them.

I was reminded of how easy it is to be mean and cruel.  How difficult it is for some people to be compassionate...or at least civil.  Life lessons.  I try to not judge others because I don't know their story.  Or if I do pass judgement, I don't feel a need to voice my opinion, especially to them in the form of mockery or hate.  I do believe that it's normal to make judgments, but what's important is how you handle those opinions.  I'm open to having mine changed.  To understanding a situation.  I really do try to not judge someone else, because I'm certainly not perfect.

My sons are healthy, happy, and smart.  We take very good care of them, or at least try.  We're not perfect, but who is, really?

This battle isn't easy, but I'm trying to fight my paranoia and anxiety.  I don't want my kids to become a fearful, nervous mess like me.  I want them to explore and try new things, but to always be smart and aware.  To be able to protect themselves and others, should the need arise.  I want them to be confident and strong.  Explore, but be cautious.  I know that the best way to do this is by example.  I fight against my traumas damn near everyday.  It'd be a lot easier without someone--especially a loved one--mocking me.  

Thursday, July 9, 2015

Funny Things My Kids Do and Say

Things that I'm putting here, so I don't forget them later for their baby books.

June 24, 2015:
Mommy dips oreo in milk and crams whole thing in her mouth.
Lycan takes cookie and before mommy knows it, Lycan splashes milk while quickly dunking his oreo into mommy's milk, then tries to cram the whole thing into his mouth. Spits it out into his hand, then eats most of it. Puts some into my hand and eats the rest without using his own hands.
Monkey see, monkey do?

June 30:
And one more update. Today, while I was making dinner, I smelled baby powder, but it didn't click as to why. Finishing up, I sat down to read, and had Lycan walk in, "Floor all dirry!"
Something looked off about him.
I followed a white trail to our bedroom and seen white baby powder....all...over...our room. I didn't know whether or laugh or cry.

In better light, I realized Lycan was covered in powder...Lycan, the Friendly Ghost, as Dave had said about him.
*Sighs* Toddlers.

July 1, 2015:
Oh, yeah!  We bought Lycan his first fishing pole yesterday. It has begun. wink emoticonDon't know how interested he's going to be, but he has his own now, and it already comes with a fish.

"Pubby! Pubby! Pubby!" Vin as he triumphantly carries Rubble the bulldog away from Lycan.

July 2, 2015:
Vin's playing with a toy truck. Lycan puts his orange down and starts whining. I tell Lycan to play with the orange truck and share. Lycan takes the orange truck into the playroom and returns empty handed, whining for the toy truck in Vin's hands. Vin drops the toy truck, Lycan snatches it and runs away. Vin grabs one of Lycan's favorite Paw Patrol toys and chucks it under the futon.
Sibling rivalry. Minus the whining and crying, it's funny, Who needs soap operas when you have kids, huh?

July 4, 2015:
Had a blast at Uncle Jerry's house, with Beth, Brandon, Barbara, Kathy, Dan, Danny, Steph, Holli, the new baby, and Larry (a big thanks to you for entertaining my son--he loved that big beautiful motorcycle). Thanks for having us over! Lycan caught 3 fish all on his own, because he's freaking awesome and truly my son! The 2-year-old Fish Slayer!
My back hurts, my cyst hurts, I've got cuts all over my hands from those fiesty bluegill (I did catch one bass, though), I was pissed on by bluegill more times than I can count, but those are just the souvenirs from an awesome day of fishing and hanging out with your family, eating delicious food and having great conversations. What a blessed 4th of July!

July 5, 2015:
I'm convinced that Vin would be sorted into Slytherin. He is a Sour Patch Kid.

July 8, 2015:
Hm, perhaps Deathly Hallows isn't the right way to introduce Lycan to Harry Potter? tongue emoticon
It's on and he's watching the bloody ear scene, whining, "Hurt?" Oh, crap. Go back and watch your Nick Jr, kid. Oh, wait it's not on yet because you decided to wake up at 5:50 am.

Normally when I ask Lycan to throw away a diaper, he says, "No, thanks." Today, he really looked his diaper over and said, "No way. No way, mommy. No, thanks." My 2-year-old.

"Cupcake!"  Screams Lycan
"UPCAY!" Yells Vin.

Lycan's in the playroom teaching Vin words!

Lycan walks in here, sucking on his fingers and says, "So tasty! Lycan is so tasty!"

July 9, 2015:
Apparently I'm dead, Lycan put a toy on my shoulder and said, "Checking mommy heartbeat." Looking serious, "Mommy no heart beat. No heartbeat." Then he laughed and ran away. I'm a zombie, according to my toddler.