Saturday, September 26, 2015

The Big Green Grumpy Dragon

According to Wolfman, there's a big green grumpy dragon outside.  It was on the fence, then it climbed the building.  He was happy that it wasn't going to eat him, Warrior, or daddy, but when we said it wasn't going to eat mommy either, he got sad.  Wolfman wants the dragon to eat me so it doesn't go away.

It flew away.  About 15 minutes later, he exclaimed, "Mommy!  Dragy's back!  He's outside!"  He said that the dragon was grumpy and that he wanted to give it a big hug to make it feel all better.

But it was still okay with Wolfman if the dragon ate me.  I feel the love.   :-p


Wolfman's trying to bring the toys back inside and Warrior keeps taking them back out.  Earlier, Warrior was throwing Wolfman's favorites outside and trying to shut the door.  My Sour Patch Kid.

To prevent his little brother from tossing his toys back outside, Wolfman put the baby's toys outside and tried to bring his own in.  Warrior grabbed them all anyway and gave them a toss!  So Wolfman handed them to me.

The toddler struggle is real.  Wolfman's convinced that the dark clouds, passing vehicles, and headlights outside mean that a storm is coming, so he doesn't want his toys getting wet.  Warrior's not ready to come inside yet.  Either way, they have 15 minutes until they join Father Sun and go night night!

And the Grumpy Dragon is back and Wolfman has to clean the garden so the dragon has a place to go night night, too.

Finally, Wolfman gets all of the toys and Warrior inside.  Then we hear, "Oh, no.  Not again."  The baby took the toys back outside.

PTSD and Moving: The Stress - AKA Stop Telling Me to Get a Fucking Grip

All moved in, and let me tell you, moving day was not fun.  Then again, when is it ever?  I was fine until the drive to the new place.  Wolfman was in my mom's truck.  Suddenly, before I knew it, he was hanging out the window of the fast moving vehicle!  I flipped out, as you can imagine!

When we parked, I very angrily went to the passenger side and saw that he wasn't in the age appropriate car seat!  He's 2 and needs a harness!  Clearly he doesn't understand that when he loses a toy--a truck out the window--that he can't just go and get it!  He needs a harness!  What the fuck?  AND why was his window even down????  Much less all of the way?????  I was so angry!  And freaked out.  All I could think the rest of the time was the worst thing happening to him.  I just kept seeing him falling out of that window, over and over.  I cried.  I fretted.  I obsessed.

Thank the Ancestors and Hecate, nothing serious happened!  At least someone's paying attention and doing their job!

We don't have a driveway anymore.  What if he's hit by a car flying around the curb?

We live by the river.  What if he goes down there and falls in?

We have a lot of strange neighbors.  What if he's abducted?

I tried watching him, not being able to trust him with my mom, or anyone else.  I got really stressed and flipped out, and started crying.  They kept telling me to calm down.  Be thankful nothing serious happened.  He was okay.  Get a grip!

I tried laying him down for a nap because he needed it and I wanted him in a secured location while we moved stuff into the house.  I tried calming him down.  My mom took over and instead of calming him down, she let him out.  He ended up getting hurt in the moving truck because those who said that they would watch him, didn't.  I'm not the kind of person who expects others to watch my kids.  They're my children, they're my responsibility.  If you say you're going to help me or watch my kids (and for me to chill out) I expect you to keep your word.  You're asking me to trust you.  I expect you to be responsible.

I insisted that his hand be held at all times.  I was ignored.  They kept telling me to calm down, that I was being paranoid.  "Go eat something, you're not the only one who's tired.  You're pissing everyone off.  You're being ungrateful!  Stop being a bitch!"

Excuse me?  No, yall had your chance to watch my son, and you abused it.  Don't tell me to calm down.  Yall don't apparently realize how quickly a life can be ended, especially when no one is being responsible.  Don't fucking lie to me and stop telling me to calm down.

I had a hard time sleeping that night, because all I could think about was Wolfman falling out of the truck and me hitting him with my car.  All I could think about was just how could she be so careless?  1) You put him in the age appropriate carseat.  HARNESSES!  2) You don't let him have control of the fucking window!

Moving day sucked.  Now I have to make sure she has the right carseat and remind her of the child locks for the doors and the windows every time.  The one person who I thought I could trust with the safety of my children, dashed.

I just can't trust other people with the safety of my children.  I tried.  I really did try to give others a chance.  They tell me to chill out, that they have it, and clearly, they don't.  Then I'm the bad guy, the hovering helicopter parent who needs to get a grip.  Fuck off.  Step inside my mind and understand why I am the way I am.


Then came a new stressor.  Stairs.  But I've got a system and a couple baby gates.  Although, of course, I still think of the very worst.  Them climbing over and falling down the stairs.  The gates malfunctioning.  Going back to the PICU.  Going back to seeing my babies hooked up to all of those wires and tubes and machines.  Being on life support.  Not knowing if he's going to survive....  Healthy and happy one moment...almost gone the next.

That is my reality.  The constant fear and worry.  The stress.  The worst scenarios.  I try to not let them control me, affect me, affect my kids.  But it's not easy.  We go outside to the car, Wolfman disappears on the other side of the car, with his dad, to be put in his carseat.  For that brief moment, I freak out.  Where did he go?  What if he gets hit by a car?  What if someone snatches him?  The need to call out for him, hear his voice!  The need to see him at all times!  Heart pounding.  Emotions rising.  Then I see his little mohawk and those thoughts go away in the instant they came.  I exhale.  I breathe again.  Everything's fine.

I had a dream a couple of days ago, about how I was visiting Wolfman's grave.  He was there, playing, happy to see me.  Then I had to leave and he threw a fit because he couldn't come with me.  I woke up crying.  Held my babies extra tight that day, furious with my fucking subconscious for that shitty dream.

At least stairs are stairs.  They can't lie to you or be irresponsible.  They can only be stairs.  It's solely up to you to be careful and safe.

I teach my boys: feet first, on your butt, and hold onto the hand rail.  The stairs aren't toys or a playground.  You can get hurt if you're not careful.  Only take a couple toys up/down at a time.  Take it slow.  Be careful.  Pay attention.  No climbing the gate.  Don't touch the gate.  Don't throw toys over the gate.

ER worries out of the way, Wolfman, who isn't worried about changes and has moved before without issue, has issues with change and moving now.  He also had a tough week and day.  What with his stuff being packed away.  Him losing a toy out the window.  And mommy being super stressed out.  I tried to not be stressed around my kids.  I didn't want to worry or scare them.  Warrior was fine through it all.  He slept most of the time or was fine in his high chair.  Wolfman was already exhausted from a sleepless night and wanted to playing in and around the moving truck.

For three days, all he said was how he either wanted to go to grandma's or home.  Tried telling him we were home.  I made space and unpacked some of his toys.  He calmed down, but then started hoarding his toys.  And he's having a really difficult time sharing.  I hope this is just a phase.  Hoarding toys drives me nuts.  Like, you're not a dragon.  Stop that.  And share with your brother.  He carries as many toys as he can, then flips out if one is dropped.  Heck, he won't even share with me!  The baby wants me to play and Wolfman snatches them away, saying that mommy's going to trap his toys.  Aka pack them up.  Me telling and showing him that we're all move in.  I'm not going to pack up his toys.  We're home.

I'm just taking it one day at a time and really trying to get the condo settled and homely.  I'm trying to normalize the environment, and not stress about the stairs or the parking lot.  At least we have an enclosed patio with a locked gate.  He loves it, I love it.  It's helping.  One week down.  Getting used to the change.  Give em time.  Give us all time to settle and find a routine.

Saturday, September 19, 2015

A Fresh Start

We're moving into our new place tomorrow.  Normally, with the prospect of moving, it's usually a little bittersweet for me.  Not this time.  I'm excited.  Yes, we're moving from a big house into a smaller condo, but the process is revitalizing.  We're donating a lot of stuff to charity tomorrow.  Sure, we still have lots to move, but I'll also be finding more stuff to donate in order to get settled into the new place.  I like that part, finding nice things to donate.  It feels good.  And it's better than adding more crap to the dump.  Or getting chump change from a business who's going to turn around and sell it for more than they bought it from you.  Screw that mess.  Just give it to charity!

It feels like a fresh start.  We moved out of the big city, away from the capital, and into a smaller city.  The energy alone feels cleaner.  Fresher.  We're excited.  We've got lots of challenges ahead of us, but we've had a taste of living in a house and having land, and we want that again.  We're more driven than before, and this time, we have little ones dependent on our success.

We're moving further from the toxic sperm donor.  We'll be down the street from my mom and a couple of doors down from my step brother and his family.  Plus, there's lots of warehouses and other jobs available up there.

We signed the lease and got the keys today, I smudged the condo of any negative energies, and left out offerings to the currant spirits there.  Tomorrow we're moving in!  The area kind of reminds me of a much smaller Franshire--the neighborhood that I spent much of my childhood in, minus a park, pool, and clubhouse.  But it has a grassy courtyard and tons of active kids of various ages.  Today, they're were teens practicing lacrosse, some were playing football, and a few others were playing basketball.  Then there were three girls riding around on bikes.  According to my step brother, it's a peaceful.  Which is what I want, since I have to be in a living situation with neighbors again.  But it's only temporary.  We're planning on purchasing a country home within the next 1-2 years.

As for this house, I've left my offerings for the House and Land Spirits, thanking them for the teachings and tolerance.  For their acceptance and experiences.  I've said my farewell's to them. I will miss them and the place of power on the property--the pines.

However it's 2:05 am here and I'm not in bed yet.  So good night for now.

Sunday, September 6, 2015

Big Birthday Plans!

I went to two Frozen themed birthday parties this week.  Two.  Still a popular movie.  Even though they shared many similarities, it got me thinking about Wolfman and Warrior's birthdays.  Wolfman moreso, because his birthday is in December.  Gosh, he's going to be 3 this year!  3!  Can ya believe it?

My niece and nephew just started kindergarten this year (both are 5).  The twins are 4.  Gabbi is 3.  Silus is 2.  Wolfman will be 3 in December, and Warrior's gonna be 2 in April.  On one hand it's 'YAY!  They're growing up!'  Then on the other hand it's 'Oh...they're growing up.  Just yesterday...'

But my mind is on making another memorable birthday party.  Wolfman's first birthday was TMNT, his second was Paw Patrol, and his third?  I have an idea.  I do.  In the end, it's probably going to involve most of his favorite things which are: Bubble Guppies, trains, vehicles, Blaze and the Monster Machines, Chuck the Truck, Peppa PigTeam Umizoomi, Dora and Diego, Wally Kazam, tractors, Dinotrux, and dinosaurs.

For Warrior's birthday, I'm probably going to do a Peppa Pig farm theme.  As of right now, he's super into animals, Peppa, and Bubble Guppies.  We might have this farm set in the background of the cake, with Peppa's family playing in muddy puddles on the cake.  Kinda of what we did for Wolfman's Paw Patrol cake, with the Look Out.

December 28, 2014

The hard part for Warrior is the where.  More than likely it ain't going to be in my grandmother's home, since we're looking to be moved out before the end of this month.  I just don't have a location for it, but I'll worry about that later...more like in December.

As for Wolfman, I'm going to go for a Bubble Guppies  theme and combining that with construction.  They have had many episodes on various vehicles and machines, so I'm going to focus on the Humunga-Truck! episode.  Or another where they covered various trucks.  I'll have the cake decorator do the Guppies and include construction machines or the other one.  Then I'll mix the Bubble Guppies and a vehicle theme plates and stuff together.

As for party favors, I may buy some of those cheap cups from the various themes listed above and let the kids choose.   Maybe stuff them with crayons and a coloring page or stickers.  And bubbles....because bubbles, duh.  Although it'll be winter and bubbles really are an outdoor maybe cheap toy trucks?

A great idea that my SIL had for one of the birthday parties was providing a baby pool with "snow".  I think it was actually flour, but the kids had fun with it.  That's a great  Depending on where we have Wolfman's party, maybe I'll provide something similar, only with "dirt" and trucks?  Or just have a play area that looks like a road.  A bit cleaner, since we'll be inside, more likely.

All of this depends on money and attendees, of course.

This early on, the party planning is always grand, right?  More refined ideas and realistic spending will come soon.  Who knows?  I might end up nixing the idea and starting a new!  But right now, I'm dreaming big!  ;-)

Saturday, September 5, 2015

Dora the Explorer is Wearing Off on the Wolfman!

Omg, Wolfan can barely count in order in English, and in he rolls counting in Spanish, from one to eight!  XD

Also, he's showing a lot of interest in my pendant, or trophy, as he's calling it.  Seeing as my skeleton keys are packed away, I've been wearing my Kuan Yin necklace.  So, I'm teaching him all about Her.  "Kuan In."

Friday, September 4, 2015


OMG, the baby just took more steps! And not to me, mine you. Lycan built a train out of diaper boxes and kept telling Vin to "Hop on, baby. Come sit. Hop on! On a board! On a board, baby! Chuga choo choo!" 

Vin stood up and took 4 steps to the diaper box train.

Thursday, September 3, 2015


Milestone! Warrior just took a step! EEEEEEEEEE! The kid's on his way!