Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Want to Change the World? Start With Yourself

Two days ago, I had a throw down of sorts with two family members online.  I made a point and used an example, they focused on the example, and spewed hatred.  No matter how hard I tried to get them to see the point and not the example, they just kept going.  To the moon, to pluto, and they haven't returned.  Just floating around in space.

One of them mocked and insulted me, for no reason, other than a disagreement.  This is a person whom I held in high regard.  I never insulted them.  I did nothing to warrant that treatment.  I was hurt.  I did lash out, but I owned my mistake and apologized, because I feel that insults automatically invalidate a person's point.  I wanted to keep it civil, at least on my end.  

Their behavior was a reflection of them, and my behavior is a reflection of me. 

I spent the last two days trying to figure them out....which is foolish and caused me unnecessary stress.  I wanted to know why they felt it was okay to 1) keep ignoring the point of the post, and 2) insult and mock me.  I did nothing wrong.  I wasn't trying to change them, to force an opinion or belief on them, yet they felt their actions were justified.  

One of them told me they were going to blast me on their wall, and that I might not want to see it because they were going to offend me.  

What's the point in doing that?  I never made my point to attack or offended anyone.  THEY made the effort to get offended.  Yet, they intended their post to hurt me.  I didn't see it.  I decided to unfollow them.  I don't need that type of behavior in my life.  I've got my own emotional baggage to deal with.
I've been working on myself since I met my husband in 2007.  I didn't like who I saw in the mirror.  I was a very angry person.  I didn't want to drive people away due to my insecurities, my rage, or any of my other negative attributes.  I wanted to change, to be a better, more compassionate person.

Trust me, it's been a fight.  I've gone through a Dark Night of the Soul, and the Spirits are telling I'm about to go through another one.  Dark Night of the Soul's suck.  They're so difficult and soul crushing, but if you survive, you'll be rebuilt.  You'll rise from the ashes as a stronger, better person.  Or at least I did back in 2012.  

I've fallen many times, reverted to the old me a few times.  I'm not proud of it, but progress isn't linear.  I'm making an effort to be civil, kind, and compassionate towards others.  To not get offended by their opinions, even if that's their intention.  It's a work that's been in progress for many years.  

I'm doing this for myself, but mainly for my kids.  I don't them to grow up thinking that it's okay to insult, mock, and hate someone because of a difference.  That's a weakness, not a strength.  I have to lead by example.  You can't change other people, but you can work on yourself, and hopefully positively influence others.  Maybe influence isn't the right word....inspire others to want to make a change in their lives.

I had a good friend die last week.  She wasn't perfect, but she was a phoenix.  I'm just so tired of seeing so much hatred and negativity, especially over petty crap.  There's no point in it, other than to give false happiness.  To cover up insecurities.  She wasn't perfect, but when she put her mind to something, she worked for it and she achieve it  She's an inspiration.  Her bright flame is guiding my path, just as my candle guided her so many times before when she was at her most troubled times.  

I'm done trying to figure others out.  I'm focusing on myself.  I'm changing my outlook on the world.  Changing what I see.  Hopefully, I'll be able to have a positive influence on my children, in the way that Brynn has had on me.


This is not me, being better than anyone else.  This is me doing me.

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