Thursday, July 16, 2015

Nerves

When I first had the miscarriage, we hid it from everyone, except the three people that we told.  Over the years, it's gotten easier to talk about it.  To my mom accidentally finding out and not making a big deal about it (which I'm thankful for) to me telling a few people here and there.  I have no problem telling strangers on the internet, especially those who've experienced loss.  It's cleansing and healing.  Freeing.

But then there's family and Facebook...

I've dropped hints here and there, and I typically post a lot of articles about miscarriages and loss, especially from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep.  I do this because I enjoyed the article, or they had a deep healing affect on me, and because I have family and friends who've also experienced loss.  I want to share these articles with them.  Discreetly.  And to also just spread general awareness.  But I never came right out and said 'Hey, I had a miscarriage' because I wasn't that comfortable with certain people knowing, like my dad, for example.  I didn't feel like it was any of their business.  But then I post pictures of my Ancestral Shrine and it feels wrong not saying Nathan's name.  It feels wrong to not mention him, especially when I mention other family members.

Tonight, I published his name.

I'm nervous.  I'm fighting the urge to delete the photos and his name....but I don't like how that feels....it feels like I'm trying to erase him, like I spent many times in those early dark days.  I tried so hard to forget.  Now, I embrace his memory.  I share him with strangers often, but not really with my family.  I'm even a little nervous saying his name around my husband and BFF.  I just trip up, I guess.  I always pause, then continue on.  I don't know why I do this?

Most people either don't care or don't want to hear about something like this, so more than likely I don't get too many questions.  But some folks are also a bit more curious.  Part of me is just saying to give him an introduction to cut down on questions, but another part isn't quite ready.

I'm proud of him, I cherish our time together, when he was a alive inside me and as a spirit.  I love him.  So I've taken the leap, so to speak.  If someone asks, "Who's Nathan?"  I'll tell them.

I have three children.  One in the Spirit World, two here.

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