...it's 2:30 am, I need to go to bed and yet there's a writing fire lit up under my bum.
Anywho, I'm sitting here watching The Duggars....decade of babies...whatever this special is called. And I'm crying while these women go through labor and then push their babies out. It's cute, nostalgic. Makes me think of number three that we're going to try for either later this year or next year. I don't want the kids to be too far apart, but I'm also trying to lose enough weight that hopefully I won't have GD again. Or other complications that can come with being obese and pregnant.
Then comes the part when the Duggars lost Jubilee. They're at the ultrasound and can't find the heartbeat. I start ballin', because our first ultrasound was where we found out about having lost Nathan. That tech said, "Are you sure you were pregnant?" If I wasn't in so much shock, I would've wanted to smack her. How fucking rude. An example of how NOT to respond to a couple who've just learned they've miscarried. Then, of course, a couple days later my body started the natural process of expelling the remains.
That was an awful fucking time. I don't wish that on my worse enemy.
But I watched the episode of the Duggars and how the mom delivered Jubliee, then they hosted a funeral for the 16-17 week fetus.
We didn't have a funeral because there was nothing to bury and we were just in shock. I don't know if I was just in too much shock or what, but my doctor never offered the surgical process of removal. The thought of holding a memorial service never crossed our minds because...well, because it was just a lump of cells...right? It was unheard of to me. I'd only heard of such services being held much later in the pregnancy, for stillborns. Course now I know that's not true. Many families hold such services for their deceased babies, no matter their stage; it's not so taboo or alien to me anymore. I'm working on a Memorial Blanket for Nathan now, because to not have something in his memory says to me that he never existed. He deserves recognition, to be honored. Even if he never took his first breath, he still existed. I carried him. Felt him, fed him. Loved him. He brought a lot of happiness to us in his few short weeks.
Anyway, so I was watching this episode and I started thinking about souls. Back before I decided that I wanted to have kids, I believed that the embryo/fetus was just a lump of cells until 18 weeks, or when it started to look human. This was my Pro-Choice argument, "It's not murder because it's just a lump of cells." When it could feel, think, when it had a soul. I was never certain when a soul entered a body, but then I didn't really put thought into it. I guess at the time, Soul = Thought. When it can think, they are alive with a spirit. Like a lot of people, I was pretty ignorant of the developmental process that the embryo and fetus goes through.
Now I'm not saying that having gone through pregnancy makes me righter than others, this is just me just trying to figure things out.
Having lost Nathan within my first trimester has really changed that old belief. He was just a teeny tiny lump of cells...yet he exists in the Spirit World, as a 3-year-old in the loving, caring arms of my grandmothers and aunts. Now I think the soul enters the life form when it's conceived. That spark of life is the soul entering those growing cells.
That being said, I'm still Pro-choice, to a point. Personally, I don't know that I could abort an embryo or fetus, depending on circumstances, but I still support those who do. They have their own reasons. Their choice doesn't affect me.
Sorry, I'm not trying to turn this into a Pro-Choice vs Pro-Life/Birth debate. Not trying to start anything, just starting to cess out the thoughts that came during the funeral scene. This idea of Nathan existing in the Spirit World never came to me until my friend and I were on a guided meditation in October to meet our Ancestors. My meditation didn't go anywhere, but hers did. She met the baby she'd lost a few years ago. The baby was being held by one of female ancestors.
That prompted me to see if my little one was on the other side, too. He is. It blew my mind. Made me rethink my stance on when a baby becomes a baby, when a lump of cells gains a soul. It never affected my stance on Abortion, but it did affect how I view life. It broadened it, I guess.
Yeah, it's 3:17 am. I don't have anything else to add right now. Night.