Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Grief and Why I Write About It So Much

I read an interesting article from Postpartum Progress about the difference between grief and depression.  It would apply to me, if I didn't already have depression before the miscarriage.  And I don't know that suicidal thoughts are part of grief.  The miscarriage definitely exacerbated my depression.  And the depression, the grief.  But I'm working through it all.

I was working on a post for a FB group that I'm an admin in (Yup, I'm an admin in 6 Facebook groups, now; doing things outside of my comfort zone!), about Miscarriage, Infant and Child Loss.  Of course, I got weepy.  Getting all emotional, but I pushed on, looking for more support groups that weren't overly Christian, and gathering links to various stories and organizations.  Because...it's important.  Back in 2011, I never found too many groups or people willing to tell their story...and now, I feel that this issue is becoming less taboo....which I didn't even realize that it was!

I don't write about my traumas for attention.  I do so to get it out of me.  It brings me comfort knowing that someone's reading it.  Even in my private journal, I don't feel that it's enough.  It still feel like I' keeping it bottled up.  It's like I'm still keeping a secret.  I've kept many secrets from those close to me about various traumas.  I've write them down, privately--get it out of me--and it didn't feel different.  Not until I started blogging, did I find the courage to tell those offline, who're close to me.

An article on Babble states, "For us, it turned out that telling the world was the very best thing that we could have done. We had support pouring in from every direction. Best of all, I did not have to hide my sadness and pretend that nothing had happened. I was open about my joy, and found I could also be open about my grief.".  Course not everyone feels the same and that's okay.  We all handle our grief and trauma differently.  Do what's comfortable.

I also write about them so hopefully others won't feel alone.  Maybe they'll see that they too can find support, can heal, can see that recovery isn't linear, they can see that you can live a normal life and find happiness.  It's a struggle, but it's a fight worth fighting.

Last night, I also came across this article, 6 Reasons Why I Talk About Miscarriage Even If You're Tired of Hearing About It.  "Grief doesn't stop at anyone's timetable. Grief is an ongoing journey and there are days where I don't think too much about it and there are days where my heart is raw. I write and talk about it when I need to and it's a healthy way to express grief."

On the head.  I feel like I wrote that article, only it's more elegant than my style.  :-)

Last night, I was weepy, emotional, and slightly numb.  I kept searching for and reading more and more for my post.  Slightly worried that the post itself was too heavy.  But I wrote in the beginning about a trigger warning.  Yet I didn't change too much, just tried to make it a summary, because it's just a Facebook status update in a group.

When I was aware of the music playing, I listened to the same few songs over and over, just like I did in 2012.  Just like I do when those emotions and memories come to the surface.  They are:

  • Grace Potter and the Nocturnals "Low Road"
  • Alex Clare "Too Close"
  • Eminem "Not Afraid"
  • Metallica "Shoot Me Again"
  • Kelly Clarkson "Darkside"
  • Florence and the Machine "Shake It Out"
  • Adele "Set Fire to the Rain"
  • The Band Perry "If I Die Young"
  • Imagined Dragons "Radioactive"
  • Otep "Confrontation"
  • Katy Perry "Firework"
  • Frank Sinatra "That's Life"
  • One Republic "Counting Stars"  (I listened to this one repeatedly when Vin was in the PICU; it's new-ish)
  • Macklemore "Neon Cathedral"
  • Mumford Sons "Dustbowl Dance"
  • Lindsey Stirling, anything, everything, especially "Party Rock Anthem" and "Shadows"
  • A much newer addition is Halestorm "Freak Like Me"
  • Postmodern Jukebox, anything, everything

I play them so often, they're memory.   I made a page over on Book of Mirrors called 'Witchfire's Jams'  Just a collection of music and dance videos that I watched often, to get my mind off of things.  Get lost in the music.  Find inspiration.  Hope.  Distractions.

Pinterest is a great distraction.

Before I knew it, it was 5 am.  I was exhausted.  I stopped.  Turned everything off.  Went to bed.  I'm off today, but not depressed.  I'm tired, with a numb headache that hasn't decided what it's going to do yet...grow or shrink away.  I guess I should go eat something, help it make up its mind.  So I'm just just kind of....here.  Not sad, not happy, just going through another day.  Listning to my music.  Taking care of my boys.  Kuan Yin and Tara's candle is lit.  Reflecting.  Recovering.  

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