Monday, November 24, 2014

Seeking Closure

I had a dream the other night which hasn't left me, but also isn't pestering me.  But then given who the dream was about, I guess I shouldn't be surprised about the 'not pestering' part.

I was in the new location of The Magical Druid (haven't actually been there yet) shopping for something specific, but I wasn't sure what.  I only knew that it was something connected to Kuan Yin and the depression concerning my miscarriage.  I kept seeing and touching pink and orange lotus pieces.  One was stained glass, like a plate.  The other was a candle holder, and the other was...I think a charm?  The lotus stood out the most.  

One of the shop owners came up and asked what I was looking for and I didn't know.  He could tell that I was pained and sad.  Picked up on my loss.

I kept looking, searching frantically for something Kuan Yin or Tara.  There were no statues, books, images, only these pink and orange lotus flowers.  I woke disappointed, yet wanting to visit the shop.  I just checked online, and they don't have any version of Kuan Yin or Tara, so I dunno.

Clearly the dream was about me searching for something.  I've been researching these two Deities, yet I've also been seeking closure for the miscarriage.  I know They can help me heal, help me find that closure.  It's just trying to find that one thing that will bring me peace.

I know that my son--the First--is still here.  Every since I made contact with him on Samhain, I've been crying a lot.  It does and it doesn't help with all of these Miscarriage and Infant/Child Loss awareness does.  My heart goes out to the families, to the women, and I think about my own loss.  I try not to be sad, but I can't help it.  It's a pain that'll never go away.  Sucks.  I don't blame myself in any way, it's just, I miss them.  I try not to dwell on what could've been, because to be frank, if I did have the First, I wouldn't have Lycan.  I don't really know what to make of that sometimes.  I just need something.

When I had my miscarriage, I deleted, tore up, and tossed just about everything away because I didn't want to remember.  But I kept a baby book that I had already started to fill out.  I kept it on my bookshelf, hidden, out of the way, so I wouldn't see it and bring up those emotions again.  All I did was bury my emotions.  I didn't face them.  Can't solve anything just by sweeping it under the rug.  The house is still dirty.  The allergens are still there.

In October, I dug out the baby book and I placed it on my Ancestral Shrine:

I kicked myself for not keeping more, but can't turn back time.  After my grandmother died, my subconscious lifted up that rug and I've been working on cleaning, so to speak.  Dealing.  Healing.  I've kept it hidden for so long, that this year, I'm becoming more open about it to my family and close friends.  It feels good.  It's like having a weight lifted, I guess.  I'm actually dealing with it now.

I made a memorial ornament last night.  While I was concentrating, I had a flash of an image of one of my aunts showing him what I was making for him.  Whether this was a real vision or a wish, I dunno.  But it was there.  His ornament will be hung with his brothers on our Yule tree.  Right now, it's hanging in the hallway, with their photos.

K. Wren, November 2014
Plastic Clear Ornament (safety reasons)
White Feathers
Blue, Pink, and White Braid
Wing Charms
"October 2011" in Blue

In the dream, the pink and orange lotus was significant It glowed among the dark tables and brass statues.  It was the most noticeable object(s) in the store.  According to Lotus Flower Meaningthe Pink Lotus is symbolic for "Purity, Enlightenment, Creation, Sacredness; Despite, emerging from such a muddy and dirty environment, the lotus flower remains clean; and not only this it is beautiful. Many civilizations have therefore associated the lotus flower with rebirth;  also representative of the state that a person is going through and the flower represents ones heart".

Orange flowers generally symbolize "growth, warmth, friendship, and remembering good times" (What's Your Sign).

According to Dream Dictionary, the Lotus represents, "[...] a clean flower represents the spiritual realms.  [...]  A blooming lotus suggests that you are getting ready come into your own, awaken to new ideas, or transform your life in a beautiful and meaningful way".

"The image of the lotus serves as encouragement and provides hope in dark and murky times" (Dream Moods).

I think I'm on the right track.  As a whole, I feel much better.  Although I'm still being pulled to covering my hair...

(Also posted on Book of Mirrors)


Monday, November 17, 2014

First Big Snow in the New Home

It's snowing in central Ohio!  Had been since last night, but it recently stopped.  I love the snow, yet hate the cold.  But I don't think it's as cold when there's snow on the ground, call me crazy, I just love it.  Last year was Lycan's first snow fall and he didn't really care for it (well technically second, his birth seemed to bring a blizzard).  It was white and cold and he could've cared less.

This year, he seems a bit more interested in it.  Later, after hub's gets home, we're going to bundle up the family and head outside!

But as for inside play, I'm getting closer and closer to having the playroom completed.  Here it is before the Wolfman puts it through the daily utter toddler destruction:

I'm going to put more educational posters up, as well as posters from his favorite shows, like Paw Patrol (that is his show, and the theme for his second birthday party this year!).  Plus I'd like to put in some shelving, especially for his books.  He's like me, out of sight, out of mind, so his books are all in a drawer right now, if they're out in a shelf, he'll be more inclined to read.  I do  reach in and pull out a couple of different books a day and leave them around the house for him to find and bring to me to read.  

Well, I'm off to make some ornaments for Yule and gifts for the holidays.  We're getting a slightly larger tree (going from a 1 foot to a 5 foot), so some "us" ornaments are needed.  I'm going to make a Deadpool and Wolverine ornament, TMNT's, a Minion, a Golden Snitch, a Remembrall, a Polyjuice Potion, Floo Powder, wildlife safe treats, and a Baby's First Yule ornament.  Plus I'm going to add some Pagan elements like a pentacle, a wolf, a stag, a wren, a robin, the Julbock, and I'm going to try to make a sun tree topper.  I've made a Triple Goddess tree topper in the past, that wasn't too difficult, a sun oughta be easier.  That's a lot to craft, PLUS gifts.  Hopefully my little Wolfman will want to help mommy out with it all.  

World Prematurity Day!

Sunday, November 16, 2014

This Isn't the Season for Drama, It's a Time for Joy and Family

November's such a boring month for me.  I spend a lot of time during it planning for Yule, Christmas with the family, and for my son's birthday.  My husband and I don't celebrate Thanksgiving in our home, out of respect for our Native American ancestors.  But we do go to family's houses for gatherings, good food, and great memories.

This year might be a little awkward.  On one hand, the family's inviting my grandmother's close friends over and Thanksgiving going to focus on her.  Thanksgiving was always a big thing, we'd go to grandma's house and feast merrily.  This year, I'm pretty sure it's going to be at my mom's house instead of here.  It's just weird to think of that.  Even though we've been here for 2 months...give or take, sometimes it's still odd to think that I'm here, living in grandma's house.  Yet it's also comforting because she stops by once in a while.  Part of me really wishes we were having the gathering here, but I understand if some family are uncomfortable with that.

Another awkward thing is that one member is trying to start problems concerning us living here.  I think they're just misdirecting their grief and anger towards me.  They just need time.  If they're there, it's going to be awkward, but at the same time, apparently they're the one with the problem.  I plan on being there for my family and in memory of my grandmother.  I'm not going to start drama.  I'm not going to give into either.  Definitely not in front of my kids.

What the member doesn't know is that I've already spoken to my grandmother about us being here (yes, Spirit communication).  She's happy about it and she doesn't feel that we're disrespecting the house in any way.

I'm not going to be disrespected, especially by someone whom I used to be close with.  I feel betrayed, but as I said, I believe that they're dealing with grief (as we all are), as they've endured much loss and many trials this year.  I understand that they need time, but I'm not going to be their target.  I'm choosing to be happy.  I've got a lot to celebrate this year.

April 27, 2014, NICU
Premature Birth

 June 10th, 2014, PICU
Nearly died from the Rhino and Corona Virus
(They attacked his brain and lungs)

November 13th, 2014, Home
Despite his rough start, Vin is healthy and a very happy baby. 

Not too mention all of Lycan's milestones, his growing vocabulary, comprehension, emerging personality, and seeing his likes and dislikes.  I'm cherishing every bit of it, even the frustrations.  On Samhain, I got to communicate with the First, the boy that I lost in my first trimester.  That was extremely emotional and healing.  I love my boys.  They're my world.  I love my family.  Yes, I am choosing to focus on the love and on the joy that the holidays brings.  

They can fight and bicker about whatever, but I refuse to be a part of it.  It's not my fight.  I've got holidays and a birthday to plan for.  I ain't got time to get involved in some hearsay.

** Well, we worked it out, I believe so anyway.  I honestly don't know what to believe anymore.  We hashed something out anyway.

The problems lay with the siblings now.I want no part, YET  I'm acting as an adviser, trying to encourage a face-to-face talk when enough time has passed.

Anytime there's family drama in either side of the family, why do I have to be the voice of reason?  Just trying to get these people to see things from the other person's perspective.  They're basically pissed off at each other for the same thing!  They have the same damn thoughts about each other!  So I'm just trying to say give it time.  Do what you need to you, but yall ain't alone with this situation.  Yall need to work your crap out.  Silence only creates rifts.

All of these hearsay is just a distraction, to cover up their grief.  It's a distraction so they don't face the real underlying problem--the passing of their mother.  The guilt.  The regrets.  Instead of facing these things themselves, acknowledging them, it seems like they're lashing out at each other.  DISTRACTIONS!

Shit, man.  This is exhausting.

Makes me glad that I only have one sibling.  I can't handle this crap.  I got my own stuff to deal with.

Hopefully tomorrow doesn't bring more crap.  I will take a pooper scooper to it if I have to.  Tired of the drama.  You know what, I had intentions of talking about the birthday plans for Lycan's party when I started this post.  Sigh.

Monday, November 10, 2014

A Child's Honesty

I've painted my nails for the first time in, like, 4 years. First, it's amazing how good a little bit of paint can make a chick feel. Second, Lycan was looking at my nails--obviously, he's never seen mine with polish. He said, "Dirty." 

He said that my nails were dirty. I was trying to get him to say 'pretty'. Nope, he was honest. 

Thanks, son. 

In his defense they're a dark red, so I can see how he'd think they were dirty. lol

Thursday, November 6, 2014

Wow, He barked

Apparently DC does know how to bark.

The female dog who was on my porch a few weeks ago, acting aggressive towards me has a MASSIVE mate.  I've never seen a pit bull that big, he might be a mix or he's on fucking steroids, good genes or something.  Time to make another call to Animal Control.  Although my uncle is a cop and says that if the dogs actually come up to the house again, I can kill them.  Much better than AC giving useless citation after useless citation to some lazy fucking neighbors who refuse to secure their dogs and feed them properly.

What the fuck are citations going to do?  AC's been out here five fucking times and the dogs are still not secure.  FIVE FUCKING TIMES.  FIVE!  Clearly the citations ain't doing jack shit!  But a bullet to a pit's skull will.  Especially one that's already shown aggression towards me on my property.  Is a citation going to stop that bitch from attacking my son and possibly killing him?  I'm not going to be made to fear my yard due to someone's inability to secure their dogs, or fucking AC who can't do anything other than give citations.  Fucking worthless.

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Can Take the Dog Out of the Country, But You Can't Take the Country Out of the Dog

We've had this dog for about a month, give or take, and he's just not for us.  I was done with him when he showed food aggression when my toddler wasn't near his food.  Lycan was playing in his room when DC decided to go into the boys' room to eat his bone.  Lycan was running around laughing, and the dipshit dog growled and bared his teeth.  Since then, when my son is up and about, the dog is outside.  I don't trust him and I don't like him--I don't hate him, but I don't like him either.

Although now the dog wants nothing to do with coming in.  Okay.  That's fine.  We have an enclosed porch that we've used as a shelter for him.  Keep him fed and watered, flea treatments, heart worm treatments, warm, dry, whatever he needs to be healthy and happy outside.  Hubby gives him attention.  We walk him.  But that's it.  He's not around our kids.  (I don't see the point in having a dog if you can't have them around the kids, or have them inside protecting the house.)

The first couple days, he was perfect around our kids.  But after a couple more days he would push Lycan out of the way, push him down, and almost step on the baby, whereas before he was careful.

This dog is an embarrassment to his breeds--German Shepard and Rottweiler.  He doesn't do anything.  Doesn't listen.  Doesn't investigate sounds.  Doesn't bark.  There was a large female dog on the enclose porch (she'd gotten the janky screen door open), eating his dog food a couple week ago.  I had no idea she was there.  I had even cracked open the inner screen door, grabbed the tie up and put it on him.  He didn't let me know she was there.  At all.  It was her who let me know with a snarl and a growl.  So I let him go.  They exploded from the porch, his collar broke off and  I thought he was going to tear the railing off of the deck.  He almost caught her a couple times.  I had to scream at the top of my lungs to get him to stop and not follow her back to her yard.  Then I had to drag him by the back of his neck because he wouldn't come and his collar was broken.  In the cold cold rain.

The only reason why he even went after her was because of his food.  Other times those mangey mutts had come into the yard and he just laid there, didn't give a shit they were there.   (Animal Control's already taken care of it.)

The other day, he intentionally pissed on me.  He challenges me.  We work with him with training, he doesn't give a shit.  My husband thinks he's smart, I think he's fucking dumb.  He's a big and beautiful, but there's nothing there brain wise.  Even our friends have said the same thing, he just stares at you.  Lights are on but nobodies home.  I've never meant a dumber dog, and I've owned/trained/hunted with/been around a lot of dogs in my life.  And he takes the cake for being dumb.  Shame because he's so beautiful.  A Big Beautiful Bastard, as my husband calls him.  I love his eyes, he has amazing amber eyes....but his appearance is the only thing I like.  His intelligence and behavior?  No.

I've almost taken him to the humane society a few times (especially after he showed aggression towards my son), but my hubby's grandma wants him back.  And I'm like well come up here and get his ass, I'm done with him, otherwise he's on a one way trip to the Humane Society, especially after he shows food aggression during the evaluation!

He barely eats, because all he wants are scrapes and we don't do that because it's unhealthy.  So when he's really hungry he eats his dog food.

I'm so done with his mutt.  But this weekend, they're coming to take him--FINALLY--and I'm so happy.  I strongly dislike this poor excuse for a dog.  Dog were domesticated to be protective and loyal, and DC is none of those things.  But he's going back home, back to being an outdoor country dog.  This indoor city life just didn't suit him.  He's better off eating roadkill, eating deer, getting table scraps, killing the neighbors chickens and pigs, and not having rules, I guess.  He was so well behaved while we were in Kentucky, guess he's not a fan of Ohio or of energetic toddlers.  He does great around older kids and adults, though.

Just not a fit.

Once he's gone, we're adopting a new dog.  One that's been evaluated by professionals.  My husband wants a puppy and I think that's just too much work.  I want a young dog that's already house broken and is great with toddlers.  I want one that actually knows what it means to be a dog.