I was in the new location of The Magical Druid (haven't actually been there yet) shopping for something specific, but I wasn't sure what. I only knew that it was something connected to Kuan Yin and the depression concerning my miscarriage. I kept seeing and touching pink and orange lotus pieces. One was stained glass, like a plate. The other was a candle holder, and the other was...I think a charm? The lotus stood out the most.
One of the shop owners came up and asked what I was looking for and I didn't know. He could tell that I was pained and sad. Picked up on my loss.
I kept looking, searching frantically for something Kuan Yin or Tara. There were no statues, books, images, only these pink and orange lotus flowers. I woke disappointed, yet wanting to visit the shop. I just checked online, and they don't have any version of Kuan Yin or Tara, so I dunno.
Clearly the dream was about me searching for something. I've been researching these two Deities, yet I've also been seeking closure for the miscarriage. I know They can help me heal, help me find that closure. It's just trying to find that one thing that will bring me peace.
I know that my son--the First--is still here. Every since I made contact with him on Samhain, I've been crying a lot. It does and it doesn't help with all of these Miscarriage and Infant/Child Loss awareness does. My heart goes out to the families, to the women, and I think about my own loss. I try not to be sad, but I can't help it. It's a pain that'll never go away. Sucks. I don't blame myself in any way, it's just, I miss them. I try not to dwell on what could've been, because to be frank, if I did have the First, I wouldn't have Lycan. I don't really know what to make of that sometimes. I just need something.
When I had my miscarriage, I deleted, tore up, and tossed just about everything away because I didn't want to remember. But I kept a baby book that I had already started to fill out. I kept it on my bookshelf, hidden, out of the way, so I wouldn't see it and bring up those emotions again. All I did was bury my emotions. I didn't face them. Can't solve anything just by sweeping it under the rug. The house is still dirty. The allergens are still there.
In October, I dug out the baby book and I placed it on my Ancestral Shrine:
I kicked myself for not keeping more, but can't turn back time. After my grandmother died, my subconscious lifted up that rug and I've been working on cleaning, so to speak. Dealing. Healing. I've kept it hidden for so long, that this year, I'm becoming more open about it to my family and close friends. It feels good. It's like having a weight lifted, I guess. I'm actually dealing with it now.
I made a memorial ornament last night. While I was concentrating, I had a flash of an image of one of my aunts showing him what I was making for him. Whether this was a real vision or a wish, I dunno. But it was there. His ornament will be hung with his brothers on our Yule tree. Right now, it's hanging in the hallway, with their photos.
K. Wren, November 2014
Plastic Clear Ornament (safety reasons)
Blue, Pink, and White Braid
"October 2011" in Blue
Orange flowers generally symbolize "growth, warmth, friendship, and remembering good times" (What's Your Sign).
According to Dream Dictionary, the Lotus represents, "[...] a clean flower represents the spiritual realms. [...] A blooming lotus suggests that you are getting ready come into your own, awaken to new ideas, or transform your life in a beautiful and meaningful way".
"The image of the lotus serves as encouragement and provides hope in dark and murky times" (Dream Moods).
I think I'm on the right track. As a whole, I feel much better. Although I'm still being pulled to covering my hair...
(Also posted on Book of Mirrors)