Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Thank the Gods for that CPR Refresher Course!

Had a scare with Vin today (7/28).  We were on the floor just chillin.  Him lookin about, me playing Skyrim (Lycan was napping).  Vin had been spitting up a clear water-like fluid as well as saliva most of the afternoon.  I just wiped and played.

Then he started freaking out.  His arms were flailing, and there was no sound coming from his mouth.  None.

Instantly, calmly, cooly, I picked him up, laid him stomach down on my leg, and smacked his back, between the shoulders, until he coughed up the fluid.  He cried.  I calmed him down.  He spit more of it up.  Then was fine.  He carried on as normal.

I kept my cool through the ordeal that only lasted for less than a minute.  It's all due to that CPR refresher course that we were required to take before we took Vin home from the NICU.  I kept a cool level head and knew what to do immediately.  My baby's okay.

NICU or not, I think every parent should have to take a CPR class!

On January 6th, 2012, I choked on a hotdog.  If it wasn't for my husband's quick thinking and knowledge of the heimlich maneuver, I probably wouldn't be here.  I'd hate to think what might've happened if I was home alone.  I remember taking the class of performing it on yourself, but that was in high school.  But hubby was there.  Performed it on me, I threw up, and am alive.  Going through that myself, I knew how important it was to stay calm, especially for Vin.  Babies are sensitive to their parent's emotions.  If I was scared, he was going to be terrified in an already terrifying experience.  That would've made the situation so much worse.

I'm so thankful that taking CPR was part of Children Hospital's checklist.

EMS aren't always going to get there on time. It's a terrifying situation, one made worse with a parent freaking out and not having that knowledge and training to help their kid. Take a course. Educate yourselves. Be prepared. 

It's better to have the knowledge and training and not need it, than need it and not have it.

Sunday, July 27, 2014

Halloween & Birthday Plans

I've been thinking about Halloween costumes, just wracking my brain for family themes.  Last year, we did Little Red Hood:

Mommy Red Riding Hood and The Big Bad Lycan

For this year, my husband suggested that we do Harry Potter theme:
  • He as Dumbledore
  • Me as Molly
  • Lycan as Harry
  • Vin as Dobby

The Dobby part made me laugh quite a bit.  It's almost a shame that Vin has so much hair, but having Dobby's ears?  I literally LOL.  

Next, I've been thinking about the boy's birthday party's.  I know, so soon!  For Lycan, we have about 5 months and for Vin it's 9 months.  But I realized that I love planing for parties.  Normally I do awesome with it, too.  Problem being is that people SUCK and don't show up for them.  Even for a kid's birthday or a handfasting.  People suck.  

Listen, I may be boring and weird, but I know how to throw a fun party, complete with awesome themed foods. But that's neither here, nor there.  

For Lycan, I was just stumped.  This time last year, he was all about TMNT, so that's what his first birthday became:

Took place at my step dad's Martial Arts Academy 

Soda and Utensils, color coordinated to the Turtle's masks. 

Cake from Giant Eagle

Raph Themed Present 

Streamers were used to decorate the table tops

Homemade Ninja Turtle Cupcakes

Harry Potter popped up, but I think that's a little mature for a 2-year-old, and I wanted him to really be able to appreciate and interact with one of mommy's favorite worlds.  I have a lot of ideas for a future Harry Potter birthday party.  

Of course, as I'm brainstorming, he's walking around saying, "Car."  Then it dawns on me.  Cars and Trucks.  Duh!  This boy has loved wheels since he first discovered them.  Wheels, wheels, wheels, everywhere.  Has to inspect and roll them.  I love to watch Lycan play with his cars and trucks, too.  Blowing raspberries and making other car sounds.  It's cute.  

My Pinterest Board of ideas for Lycan's 2nd Birthday.  

Cake wise, if I go store bought, I'm going with a sheet cake and a race track on top.  If homemade, I'm going to make a tire cake.  Either way, I'm want toy cars on the cake, because I know Lycan will want to play with them.  Toy cars are a must!  And I remember enjoying the cakes most that had toys on them (especially since I had MANY Lion King themed birthday parties).

So then, Vin?

First, I tossed about the idea of animals, because that his crib theme.  Then dinosaurs, but again, I think it's a little mature and I want it to be more interactive.  I didn't just want Lycan to enjoy, but also Vin.

I remembered how adorable Mike was in MU and thought Monster Theme, but, like Lycan, not necessarily Pixar.  It's fun, vibrantly colored, and the monsters don't have to be perfect in order to look good.


I got to browsin on Pinterest, and came up with these ideas. With Vin I have 9 months, and may change it depending on what his interests are.  But so far, I'm totally in love with this idea.

Guest wise, I have an idea of who're definites and who're flakey.  Most of all, I want my kids to enjoy themselves.  I just need to really focus on making enough food for those I know will come, instead of those who don't bother returning the RSVPs or say they'll come, then don't.  It's about the kids and creating awesome memories.  And some of my best memories were birthday memories.  Luckily for my kids, momma knows how to throw a party.

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Birth Candles and Consent


When I hear that a friend or family member are in labor, I almost always light a candle for them.  Often times, depending on gestation time, history, and length of labor, I also add in some protective, healing energies.  

Do I ask for permission before hand?  No, I don't.  Why?  Why go against what many Witches consider to be a major rule?  Well, for one, it's not one of my rules.  I believe that if someone can pray without my consent, then I can work magik for them.  Am I conspiring against them or performing a Love Curse?  No, it's just a simple spell to ensure that they have a safe delivery and they and their child(ren) are healthy.  There's nothing bad about that.  No malice.

Some pray, I cast.  No difference.  

And I will say this, when my son was in the hospital, some people asked me if they would pray or have a priest perform a blessing.  I don't care.  You don't need to ask permission.  I know it's coming from a good, untainted place.  A place of love and compassion, why would I say no?  Because you're of a different faith?  Either way, consent or not, many people are going to pray regardless.  They're going to ask their church for blessings over my son, no amount of consent is going to stop that.  

No consent is needed when it comes from a place of love and compassion.  Don't like my stance.  Not sorry.

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Infertility Ritual



Post Preggo Beauty: The Struggle


After I had my first son, I felt pretty.  I've always been plus-sized and obese, so stretch marks, sagging skin, and other things didn't bother me.  When I was pregnant and post, I embraced the changes as a rite of passage.  Mark of Motherhood.  I was proud of my appearance.

With the birth of my second son, well it was a shocker.  We didn't want to try for a second child until Lycan was 1, but my body had other plans, which dashed mine.  I wanted to lose more weight and continue eating healthy before we had anymore kids.  Then I got pregnant and I didn't really feel those same emotions of beauty that I had felt with my Lycan.  I was worried about some things, and preoccupied with raising my son, so that may account for some things.  Like, I had been through it once before, body image didn't matter too much.

After I had Vin, after the drama passed, I just don't like myself anymore.  My physical self.  My boobs--used to love em--now they're like pancakes flapping in the breeze.  Flat, droopy, ugly.  I hate them.  Even my stomach looks different.  My big ole stomach is droopy, too.  Like there's an empty pouch.  I know that it takes some time for your body to get back to normal, but ugh.  I just don't feel pretty anymore.  I don't feel sexy.  My husband wants sex and I just.  I'm not interested.  He sees me as sexy and beautiful and all I see is sag and flappy skin.

My overall view of intimacy has changed.  I used to be pretty amorous, but that's changed over the last five years.  I don't like to cuddle.  I don't like foreplay.  I don't like sweat.  I don't like making out.  I don't like oral sex.  If we're going to have sex, just do it and get it over with.  Slam, bam, thank you ma'am.

Part of that has to do with my husband--he always has to take it to the next level.  He can't just cuddle without groping.  It's obnoxious.  I'd imagine that's how horny jocks act.  Or if I don't want it, in his mind, if he keeps playing and flirting, I'll eventually want it.  Like, he has to turn me on.  And I keep telling him it's some type of imbalance.  "Flirting" isn't going to work, it's only going to pressure me, piss me off, and start an argument.  And me feeling like shit and like a useless wife because I can't please my husband...or myself.

Another part of that is due to me being afraid of getting pregnant before I'm ready for another child.  Last time, we used condoms, but "forgot".  This time, I'm on birth control in the form of shots.  And I don't have a whole lot of faith in it, to be honest.  But I don't want pills or patches, or implants or objects shoved up my cooch.  I much rather not have sex.  I don't want medications that are going to fuck with my reproductive organs.  I'd much rather have my husband on something, but supposedly that something only exists in Europe.

I'm afraid of getting pregnant before we're ready and I don't feel sexy anymore.

Naked, I'm horrendous.  However clothed, I feel better.  I have pretty clothes that at least mask it.  I dunno.

I think my period is going to start soon.  Maybe my view will be different in a year?  Right now, I just feel like a saggy lump.

Friday, July 4, 2014

After my last rant, I do feel better.  Had a nervous weight lifted off my shoulders.  However, I guess we'll see how I do this weekend, starting today.  We're going to a parade this morning, then a cook out with family.  Tomorrow, we're also going to another cook out, neither are large, due to Vincent.  Hopefully less anxiety, more fun, and  a lot of photos.

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Not a Helicopter Parent, Just...Traumatized

We were at my BIL's house the other day, letting Lycan visit with his cousins.  It wasn't too eventful, except I couldn't relax.  My BIL has stairs that his 3-year-old and 1-year-old can handle with ease.  But we don't have stairs, so Lycan's not as good on them as his cousin Gabby, who's only 4 months older.  However, he loves to tackle them, which makes me so nervous.  I'm terrified that he's going to slip, trip, and have a nasty fall.  All i can think of is the worse!

How is he going to learn unless I allow him to experience?

It would be different if the adults around him were more attentive.  Me, I was busy with Vincent, in keeping the other kids away from him and stuff, as I'm still scared that he's going to catch another cold before his immune system is strong enough.

Also Justin, the near 4-year-old, is old enough to open locked doors, which he did with the front door and Lycan started to run right out!  Last week, in a neighborhood not far from us, a 2-year-old died when he ran out in front of a car trying to get to the ice cream truck!  Everything happened quickly, the driver wasn't speeding, and the kid just popped out between parked cars.  It just terrifies me, because Lycan's at the age were he loves cars and will run towards the road if not watch or held.  We're working with him, of course, but still.  If he's not watched, he'll make a run for it.

Then, they didn't even have their sliding back door locked and the kids almost went outside!

Baby/Toddler proofing?

I had a minor freak out about that and my MIL chuckled and told me to calm down.  I wanted to smack her!  Yall don't baby proof your hoarded, cluttered, filthy house, then you have the nerve to tell me to calm down???  Go fuck yourself!

I'm sure to those outside our house I must look like an over-protective helicopter parent.  So nervous about everything.  And the truth is, I am nervous.  I'm just so terrified that something terrible is going to happen to my kids.  Their dad's not exactly the most attentive tool in shed.  There have been times when he's said, "I got this" and Lycan's fallen and gotten hurt.  Like, how can I trust you?  You said you had that!  So yeah. I'm a nagger.  Oh, and he just assumes that Lycan's going to stay put on a high ledge, like a table, when you sit him down.  No, he can't tell that it's high, so he'll try to get down.  A few weeks ago, at the doctors office, Lycan was in that situation, and would've gotten seriously hurt all because my absentminded husband trusted that Lycan wouldn't move.  As soon as my husband turned his back, Lycan tried to get down and I rushed over and stopped him.

At home, I'm not like this.  Why?  Because my house is child proofed.  Even if we had stairs that Lycan was good on, we would still have baby gates.  Lycan can reach door knobs now, and trust me, I keep him supervised when it comes to the bathroom or to our door--because those rooms aren't that baby proofed.  As for the front door and screen door, I keep em locked and I test the screen door weekly for strength.  When I have the windows open, I leave them closed enough that Lycan's not going to push through the screen and fall out.  Even with child proofing, I still supervise my kids.

I'm not all that worried when Lycan falls or hurts himself in our house because I'm certain that it wouldn't be serious.  He learns by doing, which unfortunately means getting hurt.  I'm not a helicopter parent by any means at home.  Nor am I lazy.

But away from home, I'm a nervous wreck.  Especially when family say they're going to watch him and they don't.  Like they get caught up in talking, doing something in the moment.  In that moment, he will get away, and I don't want him to be like that poor kid that died last week.  Things can happen so fast.  Often it's no one's fault, things just happen.  Can't always be 100% focused on your kid, but still.  I don't want my children to be statistics.

I'm so traumatized by the miscarriage and then almost losing Vin when he was 6 weeks old, to the common cold out of all things!  I don't want to go back to the Intensive Care Unit, and within two months, we've been there twice (Newborn and Pediatrics).

Or that we'll end up in another part of the hospital that I'd much rather not see.

I don't want to be that parent.  That parent who can't trust even their spouse with their child.  That parent who can't relax at family gatherings.  That parent who hovers over their kid and freaks out about the tiniest of things.  But I can't help it.  I just think about the worse scenario.  Someone kidnapping my kid, my kid running out into traffic, him falling through the window, falling down the stairs, breaking his neck, getting a concussion.  I just can't handle us being out of the house sometimes.

However when we're at the park, whether in the stroller or out, I'm different.  I'm calmer.  I can enjoy family time.  I just wish I could enjoy that same calmness at family gatherings.  I wish I could trust family more with my children's safety.  But I can't.  And it sucks.  Family just laugh or say "Well, all parents worry about their kids."  Well, no shit.  They'l either scold me or taunt me about being over-protective, without taking into consideration everything we'll been through recently.

Or better yet they'll say this, and I hate this, these empty promises of "Well, it won't happen again.  What are the chances?"  I just feel like it's so condescending.  A fuckin cop out.  Like, how do you know that it won't happen again?  How do you know that we won't end up in the ICU again?  You don't.  So stop trying to tell me how to parent and what to worry about.

At least some family are understanding.  Hell, when I get frenzied and embarrassed, she'll remind me that it's okay, especially with what I've had to deal with.  It's okay.

Hopefully these fears and worries do go away.