Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Post Preggo Beauty: The Struggle

After I had my first son, I felt pretty.  I've always been plus-sized and obese, so stretch marks, sagging skin, and other things didn't bother me.  When I was pregnant and post, I embraced the changes as a rite of passage.  Mark of Motherhood.  I was proud of my appearance.

With the birth of my second son, well it was a shocker.  We didn't want to try for a second child until Lycan was 1, but my body had other plans, which dashed mine.  I wanted to lose more weight and continue eating healthy before we had anymore kids.  Then I got pregnant and I didn't really feel those same emotions of beauty that I had felt with my Lycan.  I was worried about some things, and preoccupied with raising my son, so that may account for some things.  Like, I had been through it once before, body image didn't matter too much.

After I had Vin, after the drama passed, I just don't like myself anymore.  My physical self.  My boobs--used to love em--now they're like pancakes flapping in the breeze.  Flat, droopy, ugly.  I hate them.  Even my stomach looks different.  My big ole stomach is droopy, too.  Like there's an empty pouch.  I know that it takes some time for your body to get back to normal, but ugh.  I just don't feel pretty anymore.  I don't feel sexy.  My husband wants sex and I just.  I'm not interested.  He sees me as sexy and beautiful and all I see is sag and flappy skin.

My overall view of intimacy has changed.  I used to be pretty amorous, but that's changed over the last five years.  I don't like to cuddle.  I don't like foreplay.  I don't like sweat.  I don't like making out.  I don't like oral sex.  If we're going to have sex, just do it and get it over with.  Slam, bam, thank you ma'am.

Part of that has to do with my husband--he always has to take it to the next level.  He can't just cuddle without groping.  It's obnoxious.  I'd imagine that's how horny jocks act.  Or if I don't want it, in his mind, if he keeps playing and flirting, I'll eventually want it.  Like, he has to turn me on.  And I keep telling him it's some type of imbalance.  "Flirting" isn't going to work, it's only going to pressure me, piss me off, and start an argument.  And me feeling like shit and like a useless wife because I can't please my husband...or myself.

Another part of that is due to me being afraid of getting pregnant before I'm ready for another child.  Last time, we used condoms, but "forgot".  This time, I'm on birth control in the form of shots.  And I don't have a whole lot of faith in it, to be honest.  But I don't want pills or patches, or implants or objects shoved up my cooch.  I much rather not have sex.  I don't want medications that are going to fuck with my reproductive organs.  I'd much rather have my husband on something, but supposedly that something only exists in Europe.

I'm afraid of getting pregnant before we're ready and I don't feel sexy anymore.

Naked, I'm horrendous.  However clothed, I feel better.  I have pretty clothes that at least mask it.  I dunno.

I think my period is going to start soon.  Maybe my view will be different in a year?  Right now, I just feel like a saggy lump.

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