We were at my BIL's house the other day, letting Lycan visit with his cousins. It wasn't too eventful, except I couldn't relax. My BIL has stairs that his 3-year-old and 1-year-old can handle with ease. But we don't have stairs, so Lycan's not as good on them as his cousin Gabby, who's only 4 months older. However, he loves to tackle them, which makes me so nervous. I'm terrified that he's going to slip, trip, and have a nasty fall. All i can think of is the worse!
How is he going to learn unless I allow him to experience?
It would be different if the adults around him were more attentive. Me, I was busy with Vincent, in keeping the other kids away from him and stuff, as I'm still scared that he's going to catch another cold before his immune system is strong enough.
Also Justin, the near 4-year-old, is old enough to open locked doors, which he did with the front door and Lycan started to run right out! Last week, in a neighborhood not far from us, a 2-year-old died when he ran out in front of a car trying to get to the ice cream truck! Everything happened quickly, the driver wasn't speeding, and the kid just popped out between parked cars. It just terrifies me, because Lycan's at the age were he loves cars and will run towards the road if not watch or held. We're working with him, of course, but still. If he's not watched, he'll make a run for it.
Then, they didn't even have their sliding back door locked and the kids almost went outside!
I had a minor freak out about that and my MIL chuckled and told me to calm down. I wanted to smack her! Yall don't baby proof your hoarded, cluttered, filthy house, then you have the nerve to tell me to calm down??? Go fuck yourself!
I'm sure to those outside our house I must look like an over-protective helicopter parent. So nervous about everything. And the truth is, I am nervous. I'm just so terrified that something terrible is going to happen to my kids. Their dad's not exactly the most attentive tool in shed. There have been times when he's said, "I got this" and Lycan's fallen and gotten hurt. Like, how can I trust you? You said you had that! So yeah. I'm a nagger. Oh, and he just assumes that Lycan's going to stay put on a high ledge, like a table, when you sit him down. No, he can't tell that it's high, so he'll try to get down. A few weeks ago, at the doctors office, Lycan was in that situation, and would've gotten seriously hurt all because my absentminded husband trusted that Lycan wouldn't move. As soon as my husband turned his back, Lycan tried to get down and I rushed over and stopped him.
At home, I'm not like this. Why? Because my house is child proofed. Even if we had stairs that Lycan was good on, we would still have baby gates. Lycan can reach door knobs now, and trust me, I keep him supervised when it comes to the bathroom or to our door--because those rooms aren't that baby proofed. As for the front door and screen door, I keep em locked and I test the screen door weekly for strength. When I have the windows open, I leave them closed enough that Lycan's not going to push through the screen and fall out. Even with child proofing, I still supervise my kids.
I'm not all that worried when Lycan falls or hurts himself in our house because I'm certain that it wouldn't be serious. He learns by doing, which unfortunately means getting hurt. I'm not a helicopter parent by any means at home. Nor am I lazy.
But away from home, I'm a nervous wreck. Especially when family say they're going to watch him and they don't. Like they get caught up in talking, doing something in the moment. In that moment, he will get away, and I don't want him to be like that poor kid that died last week. Things can happen so fast. Often it's no one's fault, things just happen. Can't always be 100% focused on your kid, but still. I don't want my children to be statistics.
I'm so traumatized by the miscarriage and then almost losing Vin when he was 6 weeks old, to the common cold out of all things! I don't want to go back to the Intensive Care Unit, and within two months, we've been there twice (Newborn and Pediatrics).
Or that we'll end up in another part of the hospital that I'd much rather not see.
I don't want to be that parent. That parent who can't trust even their spouse with their child. That parent who can't relax at family gatherings. That parent who hovers over their kid and freaks out about the tiniest of things. But I can't help it. I just think about the worse scenario. Someone kidnapping my kid, my kid running out into traffic, him falling through the window, falling down the stairs, breaking his neck, getting a concussion. I just can't handle us being out of the house sometimes.
However when we're at the park, whether in the stroller or out, I'm different. I'm calmer. I can enjoy family time. I just wish I could enjoy that same calmness at family gatherings. I wish I could trust family more with my children's safety. But I can't. And it sucks. Family just laugh or say "Well, all parents worry about their kids." Well, no shit. They'l either scold me or taunt me about being over-protective, without taking into consideration everything we'll been through recently.
Or better yet they'll say this, and I hate this, these empty promises of "Well, it won't happen again. What are the chances?" I just feel like it's so condescending. A fuckin cop out. Like, how do you know that it won't happen again? How do you know that we won't end up in the ICU again? You don't. So stop trying to tell me how to parent and what to worry about.
At least some family are understanding. Hell, when I get frenzied and embarrassed, she'll remind me that it's okay, especially with what I've had to deal with. It's okay.
Hopefully these fears and worries do go away.