Sunday, June 8, 2014

I Just...

I don't understand how the universer works sometimes.

Oh, you're getting your shit together and getting back on task?  Here have some bullshit to fuck up all your progress!

Oh, hey, how's your pregnancy going?  Well?  You're eating okay?  Keeping up with exercising? Doing everything you're suppose to be doing?  Cool, well HAVE A PREEMIE with RESPIRATORY DISTRESS SYNDROME!  


This shit here is why I don't believe in fluffy fucking karma.  Overall, we're good people.  Why the fuck does this shit keep happeneing?  And most of all, why's the universe choosing to piling some shit onto a baby?  It's one thing if it were happening to me; it's quite another that it's happening to an infant that's barely 6 weeks old.

"God never gives you more than you can handle."

Well, that's great for your God, who's a apparently a fucking asshole.  My God's don't deal in that shit.  My God's aren't going to punish me by fucking with another life.  If they have an issues with me, they'll deal with me.  Not bother an innocent child.  IF they are like that, well, they can go fuck themselves too, and fuck off out of my life.

What a stupid fucking thing to say.  Keep stuff about your God to yourself.  Doesn't apply to me because I don't follow Him.  If He is meddling in my life, well, then He needs to get a new fucking hobby and realize my ass ain't Christian, and most likely will never be.  He needs to leave me and my family alone.

When things are going fine, the universe decides to take a massive shit on us.  Why?  The fuck!

"What goes around, comes around."

Yeah, what the fuck ever; if that saying was true, then we would not be dealing with this.  Fuckin rose colored glasses.  I'm goin to get some much needed sleep and hopefully wake up in a better mood with better news.

He was doing so good; had 0 problems.  Then out of nowhere, he has apnea.  I know it's a common aliment among preemies, but I can't help but feel that it's my fault somehow.  Like maybe we should've just stayed home today.  Maybe I shouldn't have changed his formula to save space in the diaper bag (only because he was throwing up so much this evening).  Just another piece of bullshit to add to my pile of depression.

I keep thinking about future scenarios and I need to stop that.  I just need to do what I did when he was in the NICU, take it one hour at a time.  Right now, I need to get more sleep.  Hubby is at the hospital with him.  If anything changes, he'll call.  I just wish I could be there with my little warrior.

I just had a moment of "is this real?"  We were having a great day.  Went to my niece's 4th birthday party.  Saw my ex-SIL and her parents (I do adore them, too bad it didn't work out). Spent the rest of the day at a family cook out.  Hung out with my brother, bonded more with my future SIL, and watched Lycan enjoy life.  Watched family enjoy Vin.  Then boom, this shit.  WTF?


Around 11 pm, June 7: Pretty much, we spent the day with family and he was okay.  He was throwing up and having tummy aches due to us having switched up his formula, but it seemed like the ordeal had passed.  He wasn't interested in eating before we left, but I thought that was due to him having stomach problems.  Before we left, he was fine.  Good color, breathing normally.  

When we got home, I noticed that he was really pale and had no color.  It had sounded like he was trying to wake up.  I made him a bottle.  Try to give it to him.  He was making a weird groaning and his eyes were all over the place.  He was unresponsive.  My husband tried waking him up and giving him the bottle.  Nothing.  Except that he noticed he was having problems breathing.  So I said, to take him to the ER.  

Hubby did.  He said that he was glad, too, because within 20 minutes, Vin had gotten worse and had actually stopped breathing while the doctor's were looking at him.  The doctor's got him going again on his own.  They sedated him so he wouldn't feel the pokes and the prods.  

Hubby said that before the transport team showed up to take Vin to Children's Hospital, his color had returned and he was looking around.  

Sometime between him being alert and arriving at the hospital, he become unresponsive again.

* 3:50 am:  Hubby called and said that they're running a CT scan and will perform some spinal test to see why he's lethargic and unresponsive.

** 11:50 am: Vin picked up two virus' yesterday. Either from kids or from anyone person who handled him. Dave didn't remember what the virus' are called. Due to being a preemie, the virus' really attacked him. He's on antibiotics and is alert, looking around, color's back, he's responsive, and breathin normal; he's on an IV and a feeding tube. We still don't know how long he's going to be at Children's. Mom's taking Lycan for the night and I'm going to see my little warrior in a couple of hours.

I love/d DMH NICU, I just wish tehy would've given us more guidelines. Cause I thought, "6 weeks, he's good to go" without taking into consideration that he was 6 weeks early, and that we should've waited 6 weeks from his original due date. Concerning the virus, the doctors said that he could've picked it up from clothing, too.

Hubby just said that he has the ability to breathe on his own, but he can't; so a machine is doing it for him.

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