Monday, May 12, 2014

Peeps Just Don't Understand

Ugh, I just need to vent.  Vent about what, you ask?  Breast milk. My boobs.  My production.  Marital frustrations.  Everything I'm doing and apparently not doing.  Looking for support in all the wrong places.

My son is a milk monster, eating 1.5-2 ounces a feeding, every 1-2 hours.  My boobs can't keep up with it.  I was doing great in the beginning.  I was producing a lot and producing fast.  I had built up a nice reserve in the freezer.  I was adjusting to everything.  I was on top of it!  Now...I'm having issues.

It's only been two weeks.

The last time I tried using my own milk, I had issues from day one.  I wasn't producing as much, or as fast.  And I only produced for 3-4 weeks.  Frustrations and stress are what lead to that psychological mindfuck.  This time I'm trying to not mindfuck myself or my boobs.

I understand why some women choose to not breast feed/pump.  It's exhausting.  Sucks to have to choose between sleeping and pumping.  In rest for myself or making sure my son has something to eat.  When you put it like that, the choice seems so easy, right?  But behind the simple wording, it's not that easy.  I'm getting 1-2 hours of sleep a night (if that), when my husband's sleeping.  I get small cat naps throughout the night, mostly falling asleep during a feeding, a burping, or just trying to keep him calm.  Any where between 8am and 11 am, I have to stay awake and be interactive and all super mom and awesome teacher for my 16-month-old.  When hubby gets home, sometimes I get 1-3 hours of sleep, depending of whether or not I see a pumping opportunity or an eating one.  Or he'll choose to sleep instead, which pisses me the fuck off.

"Well, I've worked all day.  I'm tired.  I only got four hours of sleep last night."  Or "The baby kept waking me up."

Excuse me?  The fuck you think I'm doing all day AND all night?  Sorry that I'm not bringing in income.  Sorry my main and only priority is keeping two humans alive.  Sorry none of that can pay the bills.  Sorry you can't come home and play PS3.  Sorry that I need breaks!  Sorry for some reason you're having more and more of these typical male pig moments!

Oh, then he'll get huffy when I ask him to cook.  Or last week, he was going to stay home with Lycan while I took Vin to his check up.....Nope.  I made his lazy ass go.  He wasn't taking advantage of Lycan's nap time (which I learned that he actually wanted to go play with one of his friends). I was exhausted and didn't think I'd be able to drive.  The entire time, he whined about being there, especially when Lycan was fussy from being sleepy or after he busted his lip on his cup after a fall.

"This would'n've happened if you'da let me and Lycan stay home."

Nah, you're right.  He could've gotten into one of the various pieces of trash you leave laying around the house.  One the various pieces that I apparently "nag" you about throwing away because I'm your nanny, maid, and fuck buddy.  Wait, I can't be that last one because I'm fucking prude and am withholding sex just to annoy you, because I'm just a tease.

Sometimes it feels like I'm the only person who gives a shit about keeping objects out of our oldest's reach.  My husband claims to forget so often.  So yeah, I nag him.  He huffs and gets all pissy.  Says he does care.  "Prove it.  Pick up after yourself for a change."  Or maybe I'll leave post it notes around for him to help his memory and motivation.

Or I could've got into a car accident due to not being able to stay awake.  Jeez, let's fantasize about all of the scenarios that could've happened!

"That would've happened because you're a great driver and Vin would've been in the car."

Thanks for the added guilt if would've happened.  This happened because you don't care about Vin!  Or something similarly stupid.  The guilt game is just back and forth, back and forth between us.

Exhaustion sucks the support right out of the air, doesn't it?  All you want to do is hurt the other person.  Make them feel like shit for being tired.

I get that he's tired, I do.  He's working, fighting traffic, then coming home to be super dad to the boys, does laundry, worries about our mounting debt, paying rent, keeping our power on, and putting food on the table; and takes out the trash, when all he wants to do is fall back into routine of coming home and relaxing in front of the PS3.  But that's old news.  He huffs, whines, and makes more and more bitchy, pig headed remarks to me nowadays. Trust me, I want to say more hurtful things to him, but I don't, because it wouldn't be fair to him.

Sometimes he doesn't think before he insults or insinuates; always goes back to the same old "We wouldn't be in this mess if you had a job."

I had a job, but then I got pregnant and had to quit due to morning sickness, because we BOTH allowed our horniness to get the best of us and not use a condom.  I will get a job in the fall.  I have plans but time needs to pass first.  Things need to fall into place before I can act.  But to him, that's wasting time.  He's all about here and now.  Do do do.  I'm not like him and he doesn't get it.  That frustrates him, when I don't do it how he does.   It's not fair.  But that's life, ain't it?

I have to cook, clean, pump, provide sexual favors, and take care of our kids for my poor, sleepy working man of a husband while he naps, plays PS3, watches ESPN, and helps out with the boys.  Can we return to 2014 for a little bit, please?  When I agreed to marry your ass, I did so because I thought this was going to be an equal partnership.  But because I'm not bringing in income, being a SAHM means nothing.  All I do is sleep, play PS3, and Facebook while he's working hard to keep a roof over our heads!

"All right, we'll go with you, but this is your Mother's Day gift."

For fucking real?  Thanks, husband.  Mother's Day is fucking over rated anyway. (which btw, he did cook dinner for Mother's Day)

So yeah, pumping.  I'm doing everything I can.  I'm pumping often, longer, I'm eating right, staying hydrated, kangarooing, warming my boobs, self expressing, eating/drinking lactation promoting foods, alternating between pumping and self expressing, and yet production is slowing down.  I was getting 4-8 oz a session, now I'm down to 2-4 oz.  I had a nice reserve going in the freezer just for this reason, but my husband depleted that reserve because instead of just telling me, "Hey, we're down to 2 bottles in fridge," he'd just pull and thaw from the freezer.  Now we have no reserves.  It's frustrating.

I'd voice my exhaustion and be met with the same old bullshit:

  • "It's what's best for him."
  • "You're not doing it right."
  • "You need to pump more often."
  • "You need to pump through the pain and exhaustion."
  • "Nipple blisters?  Stop being a baby."
  • "Are you drinking enough water?"
  • "Are you eating enough?"
  • "Are you getting enough sleep?"
  • "Suck it up."
  • "Just work with him more with breast feeding."
  • "Pump more, bitch less."
  • "Are you kangarooing with him?  Do that more."
  • "You should do this, this, this, and this."
  • "Do that, that, that, and that."
  • Or the ever popular, "I don't want to hear about it because human milk is gross!"
  • And, "God, Kristy, TMI!"
I'm getting it from people who didn't/can't/incapable of producing milk and from other pumpers!  For my fellow human cow friend, she's adjusting since she just went back to work, so she feeds from the boob at home, then pumps on her breaks and lunches.  You can read the exhaustion in her texts.  I'm not frustrated with her; she's actually given me a lot of great advice and warnings.

I am working with him, but every time, he just tastes the milk, but doesn't do anything with the nipple.  

It's getting to the point where I'm feeling inadaqute again.  Feeling like no matter how hard I try, it's just not good enough.  If I stop trying, then I'm going to halt his amazing healing process.  That's certainly how others are making it sound.  I'm being selfish if I stop.  He's going to regress if I stop.  

I decide whether or not my boobs produce enough milk, apparently!  I fucking wish.

How can yall expect me to do all of this?  Pump/feeding is demanding.  There are no breaks.  It's pump/feed or make a bottle of formula.  Either way, that kid has to eat.  

But my boobs are stopping on their own again.  I'm trying and trying and trying, getting more and more stressed and frustrated.  All I want to do is vent to my friends and family, vent and get support, but all I'm being met with is me being selfish, me not trying hard enough, me not doing it right.  That might be support to them, but it's not.  I just feel awful about not being able to get enough for Vin.  Just like with Lycan.  I was doing great.  Staying positive and everything.  I was hoping to produce enough for three-six months, but now I'm hoping that I can at least provide enough for him for 2-3 more weeks.  Or shit, just last long enough for this week!  It's going straight from the pump to his mouth!

I'm not allowed to vent, to them that's weakness, it's not normal.  It's negativity.  It's not healthy.  

Well, hate to piss on your parade, but venting is healthy and normal.  When I do it, I'm not looking for guilt trips, I'm looking for support.  Just listen, even if you have nothing to say.  Just let me get it out.  Let me feel better about myself.  About my disappointing boobs.  Let me relieve this stress and refocus.  Just let me reboot for a second.

Well, the Milk Monster calls.


  1. Is there a local lactation consultant or LLL consultant you can talk to?

    While my son was pretty easy when it came to breastfeeding, I struggled for a month with getting my daughter to latch on and stay latched. No pumping, no bottles, no pacifiers, because nipple confusion is often what leads to early weaning in breastfeeding. Bottle nipples are just easier for babies - they require no effort, no extra muscles. So it's going to be hard to transition to a human nipple, but you can do it. But encouraging support is what you need - not a guilt trip.

    And if you can't, don't let anyone tell you you didn't do enough or you did things wrong. Sometimes shit happens, and we learn from it and move on.

    You have every right to vent AND to expect help from your partner in life too. Being a mother, whether your child is 1 or 21, is exhausting. If other people can't accept your feelings, they need to fuck off.

    1. I agree. When I get sleep, I don't care what they have to say. But man, when exhaustion comes creeping in, that's all I hear is how suckish I am at my job.

      I'm going to make an appointment with a Lactation Specialist.

      I tried the nipple again, and he licked and suckled a little bit, got some milk, but just kind of laid there. I tried another position, and he just put his hands to his mouth and starting noming on them. I'm being patient, he knows about as much as I do at this point, lol.

      Thanks for the support and advice! :-)