Saturday, May 31, 2014

I'm Irritated

"Hubby's home, you can sleep now!"

"It's the weekend, you can catch up on sleep!"

"I'm giving you at least 4 hours of sleep."

Sleep.  Without it we literally go crazy.  Or we snap and become enraged beasts.  It's extremely important to have.

Throughout the week, I allow my husband to sleep because he needs it to fight traffic and work and do some things in the house when he gets home, like help me with chores and the kids.  I get him sleep by further exhausting myself.  He needs it more in order to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table.

When's mommy going to get hers?

On the weekend?  Sure.

Haha, nope.  I think going into the weekend with the delusion of sleeping is even worse.  During the week, when i climb into bed, I know that Vin's going to wake up as soon as my head touches the pillow.  I know that if he stays asleep, I'm only going to get less than an hour to rest before I need to feed him again.  It's worse when you go to bed thinking that you're going to get at least two hours of deep sleep, only to realize that your husband's a seflish prick and none of that's going to happen.

When Vin wakes up, I get up out of bed, almost instantly because I don't want his cries to wake up my husband.

When Vin wakes up, I have to wake up my husband on his turn.  Sometimes repeatedly!  Often I don't get a break.

I know that Vin wants food, so I waste little time getting him a bottle.

Dave will prolong the screaming and the crying, by trying to use a binkie because he too fucking lazy and tired to make him a bottle.

The only time I bring a crying baby to the bed is to change his diaper or to get help from my husband.

My husband doens't exhaust the other options of swing, rocking chair, or bassinet.  He just brings this child to bed, KNOWING that I can't relax with a baby in the bed, because I'm worried about rolling on him, I'm worried about my husband rolling on him.  He knows this akes me uncomfortable, but he does it anyway.  Every time one of us moves or I remember Vin's in bed or have a horrible dream, I wake up.  I don't sleep at all.

Hubby doesn't care.  He'll bring the screaming baby to bed.  He'll prolong the screaming by not getting up sooner.  When he does finally get up for the bottle, he put the screaming baby by my head.  Or he takes his sweet ass time getting the bottle, which forces me to try and sooth our son.

I try to be considerate of my husband's need for sleep.  However, he doesn't give a shit about my needs when it's his turn to take care of the baby.  He's incredibly seflishf when he's tired.  When he just wakes up.  Like, you can't be thinking about yourself when this child wakes you up.  You're on his time.  Yo're his slave!

Like right now, he's choosing to close his eyes and catch a few winks with both kids on the bed.  WTF?  Fucking asshole.

I'm just going to follow my week rules on the weekend: GO Until I crash. Which is funny when I do crash, because hubby wakes up bitching and name calling.  He acts like I deprive him of sleep.  He acts like me asking for help sometimes, just so I can sleep, is soooooawful because apparently, I never let him sleep.  I'm so inconsiderate of his needs.

I just want him to walk a day in my shoes.  To see how much I do for him.  Giving me 4-6 hours of sleep isn't enough, because I give him so much more so he has the energy for work.  But he acts like it is.  He acts like he's sacrificing so much when he allows me to sleep for 4-6 hours, despite that I don't really sleep.  Anytime a child cries, I wake up.  Anytime he places a screaming child in my face, on the bed, I don't sleep.

Sometimes I even do his chores for him!  Although that's more out of necessity, because he doesn't do them in a timely manner, he waits until we run out of clothes or until the garbage is dangerous overflowing.  I'll do most of the chores so he rest and relax.  I let him nap after he comes home from work because I know he's tired.

When I ask him to do the dishes for me, it's like pulling fucking teeth.  "Maybe."  "I'll do em tomorrow."  Eventually, i get tired of waiting and do them because I can't stand clutter and it'd be nice to have some fucking clean dishes.  Which doesn't really matter for me because I don't really eat anymore.  And yet, "Hey, what's for dinner?"

"Which do you want to do?  Pick up toys or goldfish crackers?"
"Neither."
 
"Don't worry, in another 2 months, he'll be sleeping through the night and then you can get some sleep."

He's such a fucking, selfish, greedy, prick.  He thinks buying me carb loaded foods and junk is making it up to me.  He knows I'm on a healthier diet, and yet he still brings home crap I can't eat.  Which is part of the reason why I don't eat because everything is bad for me.  Or I have to cook it.  The concept of e eating healthy on the go doesn't occur to Dave because he puts the fucking DUH in Dave.

Now when he asks what I want, I say, "Nothing.  I'm fine.  If you want something, get it.  Do what you want."

You wanna spend your earned money on a new PS3 controller, 2 games, and go see a movie (that I really wanted to see) with your BFF (while I stay home because we can't find a baby sitter), do it.  It's your money.  Do what you want with it.  Me?  I don't want anything.,  I didn't earn that money.  It's not mine.  He hates it when I have this frame of mind, when soetimes that's the way he makes it seem.  Whatever, I'll spend my own money when i get a job in two months.  You go have fun because you earned it.  Apparently, I still have to work for it.  I have to work harder for sleep and fun.  Okay.  I will.  I'll pull my weight around here since I'm not doing enough anyway.

You want to make it up to me, DON'T PUT A SCReAMING BABY IN THE FUCKING BED WHEN I'M TRYING TO SLEEP!  DON'T PROLONG HIS HUNGRY SCREAMING BY TRYING TO FORCE A BINKIE INTO HIS MOUTH!  HELP ME WHEN I FUCKING ASK!

Be a fucking father.  I don't care about the husband part, just act like a fucking dad.  You helped make this fucking child, now do your part and help me without me having to ask.  Without you huffing and puffing and whining like that all I do is nag you.

I get it, he needs sleep too.  We both work hard: I keep two humans alive and he brings home income.  Just a little consideration from time to time would be nice.

I do more for him than he fucking realizes or wants to admit.  What's he do?  HUffs and bitches and whines.

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