Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Actually...No, I Don't

Overbearing family members.  A lot of us have them.  They're just annoying and selfish, only thinking about themselves, no matter the situation.  There's a fine line between being excited and being obnoxious.  We experienced said line this weekend.

My water spontaneously broke on Friday morning, at 34 weeks 2 days.  Concern is normal.  Excitement is also normal.  I actually wasn't worried because I had educated myself on premies and late term deliveries.  If it was happening, worry and fear aren't going to stop the process, only make it worse.  (However, there's nothing wrong with being fearful, it's just not the way that I wanted to deal with it, especially since I'm a worry wort and a pessimist.)

While I was laboring, my husband was dealing with people who literally wanted updates every five minutes.  Seriously?  If we had any updates, we would, oh, I dunno, update them.  On our time.  I was in the throws of natural, excruciating labor and my poor husband was just watching, holding my hand, rubbing my back--just dealing with seeing me in so much pain.

I intentionally wanted the labor to be intimate, just him, me, and our nurse.  I didn't want family in there; it was great having my mom there the first time.  But I could only imagine how much pressure she would've been putting on me to have an epidural.  I didn't want to go that route.  I wanted to suffer in peace, so to speak.

Some people were just rude and hounding my husband.  Even after I gave birth to Vincent, my husband followed the transport as they took him to a different hospital (because they didn't have a bed for him in the NICU).  I was able to rest...about as much as a mom who hasn't even held her newborn could rest, anyway.  My husband went home to rest after filling out paperwork for Vincent.  Hubby got no sleep, because majority of our friends and family wanted information and photos.  All we gave them was his birth stats.  It was only me and my husband in the delivery room, he didn't take pictures with our cell because my Optical Zoom obviously takes better quality.

With no pictures, next, some family--aka my step mom--were hounding him about seeing our son.  What hospital was he at?  When can they see him?  blah blah blah.  They just didn't let up.  My husband was exhausted.  Most people let off, but my step mom kept sending him texts about wanting updates and wanting to know what hospital our son was at so she could go and see him.

In the morning, my husband vented to me about it.  I told him to tell her off.  But in a more delicate way, because she doesn't get it.  Clearly.  Like, I had just given natural birth after laboring for nearly 18 hours.  I only got to hold my son's tiny hand and spend 10 minutes with him before he was transported to another hospital.  He was in the NICU.  All I had of him was a photo that the other NICU had taken for us.  I was stuck at this other hospital, unable to see my baby.  It was exhausting physically, spiritually, and emotionally.  Especially emotionally.  All around me, I could hear babies in their rooms with their parents, and their families gushing over them.  I was sitting in my room holding a picture.

I often walked the hallways and visited the nursery.  I just walked.  I didn't have anything else to do because I had planned on either spending time with my baby in our room or spending it with him in the NICU at Riverside.  But he wasn't there.  So I roamed, and felt like a patient in a psyche ward, walking around trying to find my lost baby.

It was difficult, and still is.  My step mom just didn't get it.  We weren't able to hold our son.  We weren't able to see him because he was in another hospital, but we were supposed to just let her go see him?  The text that my husband sent wasn't mean, it was just firm.  Back off.  Give us time to process.  Give us time to deal with this situation.  One son was up with his grandma and the other was in the NICU at a different hospital.  All we had was each other.  Each other and a breast pump.  And a possessed bed.  I needed to focus on getting my strength up for pumping and resting.  Being hounded wasn't going to help.

She backed off.

After I was discharged from the hospital, we left to see Vincent.  We met my mom there so she could see Vin and also give us back Lycan.  My step mom found out and got all pissed off.  She scolded me, saying that I needed to keep her updated on everything.  I stopped her and said, "Um, no I don't."  Basically, she's not that important.  Heck, I'm not even giving my mom every shred of information.  Nor is she pressing it.  My mom really wanted to hold Vin, but I was kangarooing with him, and she was respectful.  I know that if my step mom was there, she'd be overbearing with her needs, instead of mine.  Instead of Vin's.

This is an intimate matter.  My family and friends are being supportive but not obnoxious.  Whereas, just like with Lycan, my step mom is being possessive.  And I just don't know that I want her to see Vin in the NICU.  I'm not entirely comfortable with that.  She'll do something wrong, like with holding or feeding, and you'll correct her in a polite manner, show her how to do it correctly, and she'll say, "Well, he likes it better when I do it this way."  No, dumbass, that's not how it works.  Just stop being stupid and selfish for a second, please.  This isn't a piece of property--let alone your property--this is an infant.

So my husband decided to make a rule, if you smell like cigarette smoke (my dad's a selfish chain smoker) or perfumes, you're not allowed to see him.  It makes perfect sense, because Vin is on a breathing machine.  And residual smoke and masking perfumes are only going to exasperate the problem.

I don't want my son to smell like an ash tray, or for his room to.  You know?  It's not healthy for anyone.

My dad's gonna have to make a decision: See my son or feed your addiction.  If there's even a hint of smoke or masking perfume, they're not seeing him.  That's that.  I know the NICU staff will support us on that matter.

My mom's a smoker, but she knows what's up.  She didn't smell like smoke or perfume when she came on Sunday.  I didn't even need to tell her.  Common sense, right?  Putting others above yourself.  Putting the health of a hospitalized newborn above yourself.  Doesn't seem that complicated, does it?

However, due to her possessive nature, she might actually put my dad in check and not come in smelling like animal piss and cigarette smoke.  Who knows?

But still, man, the audacity of her to make any demands of us concerning our children is just disrespectful and ridiculous.  Let alone with this situation.  She's very swiftly lowering herself down to my dad's level where I'm not going to give a shit about cutting her out of my life.  Who the fuck does she think she is?  Seriously.  Who does that?

There will be days, for whatever reason, that I won't be able to make it to the hospital to see Vincent.  I don't want to think about him being there without one of us, but it's reality.  It's probably going to happen, sense we do have to take care of Lycan and ourselves.  (Until that bad day happens, we're going to be there).  So the NICU has rules in place.  In order to see the baby, one of the parents has to be present.  Safety first.  However, we can give a pass code to certain people so they can be there when we're unable to.  I think I might give my mom this code (plus, she's closer to the hospital than we are).  Keep the pass code a secret, because I know my step mom would flip.  But part of me wonders if I even care.  It serves her right for being so weird about this situation.

So, obnoxious family.  They are draining in an already exhausting situation.  She just doesn't get it.  But I'm trying to separate myself from her because she's making it more stressful than it needs to be.  I can't let it get to me.  I have my family to think about.  I have my health to think about.  I need to take care of myself and my boys and not worry about her ass.  Although tomorrow, we'll see if they pass the smell test.  I just don't want either of them to be there.  They stress me out.  And I need to be stress-free for Vincent.  The only reason why we're letting them see him is to keep more drama from exploding.  As they've proven already, they'll make the situation all about them (when I got home on Sunday, there was actually an email from a family member saying that I should be ashamed of myself for how I mistreated my step mom in that text.  I'm just trying to decide it I want to respond to the email or block this person).  Selfish fucking people; I ain't got time for them.


  1. I like the "If you smell like..." rule. Good one! And, yes, I'm sure the NICU staff would agree completely. Goodness knows I remember the scrubbing up I had to do just to see my son, who wasn't even critical (I know someone right now watching her 24-week twins fight for their lives) or pre-term. He was just jaundiced, so they put him in there, you know? They want to keep that place sterile, so that means people need to accept that.

    And, yeah, your stepmother does need to back off. I'm so glad you are both being firm with her! Giving birth is beyond exhausting, and it's an intimate experience, bonding with baby. So, yes, you have EVERY right to do what you did, from birth and beyond.

    1. The most we have to do is sign in then wash our hands before going into his room. Which I thought that we would've had to wear scrubs and all that. However, I think that my dad and step mom should definitely wear them! The whole shabang! Yeah, tomorrow, if they fail, tough luck. They should've listened. Momma's got a right to be protective over her offspring! :-D