Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Actually...No, I Don't

Overbearing family members.  A lot of us have them.  They're just annoying and selfish, only thinking about themselves, no matter the situation.  There's a fine line between being excited and being obnoxious.  We experienced said line this weekend.

My water spontaneously broke on Friday morning, at 34 weeks 2 days.  Concern is normal.  Excitement is also normal.  I actually wasn't worried because I had educated myself on premies and late term deliveries.  If it was happening, worry and fear aren't going to stop the process, only make it worse.  (However, there's nothing wrong with being fearful, it's just not the way that I wanted to deal with it, especially since I'm a worry wort and a pessimist.)

While I was laboring, my husband was dealing with people who literally wanted updates every five minutes.  Seriously?  If we had any updates, we would, oh, I dunno, update them.  On our time.  I was in the throws of natural, excruciating labor and my poor husband was just watching, holding my hand, rubbing my back--just dealing with seeing me in so much pain.

I intentionally wanted the labor to be intimate, just him, me, and our nurse.  I didn't want family in there; it was great having my mom there the first time.  But I could only imagine how much pressure she would've been putting on me to have an epidural.  I didn't want to go that route.  I wanted to suffer in peace, so to speak.

Some people were just rude and hounding my husband.  Even after I gave birth to Vincent, my husband followed the transport as they took him to a different hospital (because they didn't have a bed for him in the NICU).  I was able to rest...about as much as a mom who hasn't even held her newborn could rest, anyway.  My husband went home to rest after filling out paperwork for Vincent.  Hubby got no sleep, because majority of our friends and family wanted information and photos.  All we gave them was his birth stats.  It was only me and my husband in the delivery room, he didn't take pictures with our cell because my Optical Zoom obviously takes better quality.

With no pictures, next, some family--aka my step mom--were hounding him about seeing our son.  What hospital was he at?  When can they see him?  blah blah blah.  They just didn't let up.  My husband was exhausted.  Most people let off, but my step mom kept sending him texts about wanting updates and wanting to know what hospital our son was at so she could go and see him.

In the morning, my husband vented to me about it.  I told him to tell her off.  But in a more delicate way, because she doesn't get it.  Clearly.  Like, I had just given natural birth after laboring for nearly 18 hours.  I only got to hold my son's tiny hand and spend 10 minutes with him before he was transported to another hospital.  He was in the NICU.  All I had of him was a photo that the other NICU had taken for us.  I was stuck at this other hospital, unable to see my baby.  It was exhausting physically, spiritually, and emotionally.  Especially emotionally.  All around me, I could hear babies in their rooms with their parents, and their families gushing over them.  I was sitting in my room holding a picture.

I often walked the hallways and visited the nursery.  I just walked.  I didn't have anything else to do because I had planned on either spending time with my baby in our room or spending it with him in the NICU at Riverside.  But he wasn't there.  So I roamed, and felt like a patient in a psyche ward, walking around trying to find my lost baby.

It was difficult, and still is.  My step mom just didn't get it.  We weren't able to hold our son.  We weren't able to see him because he was in another hospital, but we were supposed to just let her go see him?  The text that my husband sent wasn't mean, it was just firm.  Back off.  Give us time to process.  Give us time to deal with this situation.  One son was up with his grandma and the other was in the NICU at a different hospital.  All we had was each other.  Each other and a breast pump.  And a possessed bed.  I needed to focus on getting my strength up for pumping and resting.  Being hounded wasn't going to help.

She backed off.

After I was discharged from the hospital, we left to see Vincent.  We met my mom there so she could see Vin and also give us back Lycan.  My step mom found out and got all pissed off.  She scolded me, saying that I needed to keep her updated on everything.  I stopped her and said, "Um, no I don't."  Basically, she's not that important.  Heck, I'm not even giving my mom every shred of information.  Nor is she pressing it.  My mom really wanted to hold Vin, but I was kangarooing with him, and she was respectful.  I know that if my step mom was there, she'd be overbearing with her needs, instead of mine.  Instead of Vin's.

This is an intimate matter.  My family and friends are being supportive but not obnoxious.  Whereas, just like with Lycan, my step mom is being possessive.  And I just don't know that I want her to see Vin in the NICU.  I'm not entirely comfortable with that.  She'll do something wrong, like with holding or feeding, and you'll correct her in a polite manner, show her how to do it correctly, and she'll say, "Well, he likes it better when I do it this way."  No, dumbass, that's not how it works.  Just stop being stupid and selfish for a second, please.  This isn't a piece of property--let alone your property--this is an infant.

So my husband decided to make a rule, if you smell like cigarette smoke (my dad's a selfish chain smoker) or perfumes, you're not allowed to see him.  It makes perfect sense, because Vin is on a breathing machine.  And residual smoke and masking perfumes are only going to exasperate the problem.

I don't want my son to smell like an ash tray, or for his room to.  You know?  It's not healthy for anyone.

My dad's gonna have to make a decision: See my son or feed your addiction.  If there's even a hint of smoke or masking perfume, they're not seeing him.  That's that.  I know the NICU staff will support us on that matter.

My mom's a smoker, but she knows what's up.  She didn't smell like smoke or perfume when she came on Sunday.  I didn't even need to tell her.  Common sense, right?  Putting others above yourself.  Putting the health of a hospitalized newborn above yourself.  Doesn't seem that complicated, does it?

However, due to her possessive nature, she might actually put my dad in check and not come in smelling like animal piss and cigarette smoke.  Who knows?

But still, man, the audacity of her to make any demands of us concerning our children is just disrespectful and ridiculous.  Let alone with this situation.  She's very swiftly lowering herself down to my dad's level where I'm not going to give a shit about cutting her out of my life.  Who the fuck does she think she is?  Seriously.  Who does that?

There will be days, for whatever reason, that I won't be able to make it to the hospital to see Vincent.  I don't want to think about him being there without one of us, but it's reality.  It's probably going to happen, sense we do have to take care of Lycan and ourselves.  (Until that bad day happens, we're going to be there).  So the NICU has rules in place.  In order to see the baby, one of the parents has to be present.  Safety first.  However, we can give a pass code to certain people so they can be there when we're unable to.  I think I might give my mom this code (plus, she's closer to the hospital than we are).  Keep the pass code a secret, because I know my step mom would flip.  But part of me wonders if I even care.  It serves her right for being so weird about this situation.

So, obnoxious family.  They are draining in an already exhausting situation.  She just doesn't get it.  But I'm trying to separate myself from her because she's making it more stressful than it needs to be.  I can't let it get to me.  I have my family to think about.  I have my health to think about.  I need to take care of myself and my boys and not worry about her ass.  Although tomorrow, we'll see if they pass the smell test.  I just don't want either of them to be there.  They stress me out.  And I need to be stress-free for Vincent.  The only reason why we're letting them see him is to keep more drama from exploding.  As they've proven already, they'll make the situation all about them (when I got home on Sunday, there was actually an email from a family member saying that I should be ashamed of myself for how I mistreated my step mom in that text.  I'm just trying to decide it I want to respond to the email or block this person).  Selfish fucking people; I ain't got time for them.

Every Little Bit Helps

I'm working on my son's birth story, I'll be getting it up soon, just haven't had the time or energy to do so.  Nah, I've been busy visiting with my son in the NICU and with pumping.  I'm proud of my boobs today!  It's very encouraging when they actually start to do what they were meant to do!  Took me three days with Lycan to get breast milk, took me three days this time, too.  And I'm yielding a lot more, too!  I'm very very happy with the results.  Exhausted, but happy.  I'm just making sure that I'm eating right, drinking plenty of fluids, pumping regularly, and eating/drinking foods/drinks that promote lactation.

With Lycan, I just didn't have help or the knowledge.  I was expecting it to be instinctual and natural, I never realized how difficult it could be.  It was discouraging.  I tried and tried, but eventually just gave up.  The milk dried up, too.  This time, things are different.  I'm more educated on it.  I have friends who're breast feeding now, who have tips, tricks, and recipes for better lactation.  And it really helped me to know that "every little bit helps" concerning my late term baby.  Even if all you get are droplets!  It's extremely encouraging and driving.  Now I'm producing more than colostrum and droplets.  I've got breast milk and am steadily yielding more and more.

I mean, after a disappointing night last night, this morning when I woke up with heavy, swollen boobs, I knew I had to have something in em.  And boy, did I!  I was so proud of my girls.  They're sore, but it's a good sore.

We visited Vincent today in the NICU.  Today he was being treated for jaundice and so was under bili-lights (blue phototherapy lights which make it go away).  I'm no stranger to that!  I had jaundice nearly a year ago when my gall bladder decided to be a bitch and I had it removed.

While he was treated for that, I read up on the NICU and dealing with the emotions that come with having a baby in that ward.  I sat by his bedside and read away.  Tearing up at certain words, wiping them away, looking to my son, laying their on his belly.  Unable to touch him.  Especially when he would start to cry.  It's hard.  It sucks.  But it's what's best for him.  I have full faith in the NICU staff.  It just going to take time.  Before I know it, I'll be able to reach out and comfort my baby boy when he wakes up from a nightmare or just general discomfort.  Right now, it's tough.

But just being there, even if I'm not able to hold or to touch him, is extremely helpful for both of us.  Just being there is important.  Even just hearing him crying stimulates milk production and healing.

Today I did get to help out the RN by holding his binkie for him.  There's nothing more powerful than caressing your baby and soothing him, and have him open up his eyes and look at you for the first time.  It was....words can't describe it.  He opened his eyes to my touch and just looked at me.

When he's ready, my favorite activity to do with him is kangarooing, or skin-to-skin contact.  It's his favorite, too.  Today we were able to kangaroo for two hours!  I can still feel him nestled against my chest!  He had just eaten (my breast milk, mind you) and was just laying there, so content.  When they were moving him, he shrieked and cried, he sounded like a sea gull, he was so angry!  As soon as he touched my skin--like yesterday--he immediately calmed down.  He was home again.  It was something we were both waiting for.  He nestled in and fell asleep.  I just held him, caressed his little arm, gently patted his butt, and gave him a kiss from mommy for the first time (hubby got gave him his first kiss).  We were both super relaxed and blissful.

Later, when it was time for his feeding, it was hard to watch the nurse take him.  He wasn't very happy about it either, but he calmed down quicker than yesterday when our session ended.  Gonna go and visit with him tomorrow.

But that skin-to-skin contact is the best for bonding and healing for both mother and child.  It physically and mentally heals you, and it bonds you, too.  It's incredibly powerful.  I wasn't able to kangaroo as much with Lycan because he always kept rooting whenever he was on my chest.  He could sense the milk and just couldn't relax on me.

Vincent roots a little bit, too, and it is great, because it does stimulate milk production.  However, he calms down and doesn't just focus on finding the gold!  He just relaxes and listens to my heartbeat and feels the warmth of my skin.  He remembers that touch.  The sound of my voice, heart, and breathing.  Knows my scent.  It's so primal and natural.  It's just beautiful.

As much as my husband wants to hold him, he'd rather it be me who's kangaroos, because he remembers how discouraged I was with Lycan.  Now we're having amazing results.  He can see that it's benefiting more for me and Vin to kangaroo than for him.  Although I'm I still want him to do it at least once.  Especially before anyone else holds him.  It's important for them to bond, as well.

Sunday, April 27, 2014

Our Little Warrior

Vincent Lucian Wren 
Saturday, April 26, 2014, 1:14 am
4 lbs. 12 oz
18.1 inches

Born at 34 weeks, 3 days

I'll get around to his birth story later.  Momma's exhausted.  Natural birth is a birch.  Bitch.  It's a bitch.  Birch.  What?

Friday, April 25, 2014

OM Fucking G!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i'm only typing this right now because I'm waiting for someone ANYONE to fucking call me back.  I think my water broke.  I felt a gush of fluid, thought it was just a dream.  Woke up more because something didn't feel right.  I woke up at 7:30 am, realized that I was soaked.  I got up, went to the bathroom, leaking.  I peed.  Still leaked.  Smelled it, didn't smell like pee.

I call my husband, my mom, I just need someone to call me back before I call the hospital.  This is that frustrating moment when you realize that you went phone shopping one week too late.

I'm just trying to stay calm, but I'm nauseaous.  By the Gods.

Post-Partum Hemorrhage & a Better Birth Plan

For my next appointment, I need to talk to my doctor about the PPH that occurred after my son was born.  Mount Caramel wasn't any help, all they could tell me was that my uterus didn't clamp down and I bled a lot.  I didn't learn the term until I mentioned it at Riverside.  I bled a lot.  It was terrifying.  I went from seeing this beautiful baby boy to having god awful teeth pain to being freezing cold.  I was freezing and none of the doctors or nurses told me anything, although it didn't help that I was hysterical!

I remember the doctor having one hand inside of me and the other on top of my stomach.  I remember the pain.  The pressure.  She was massaging my uterus to get the bleeding to stop.  It was a sharp pain.  I was given more oxygen.  Then, after some time and some lame ass joke about getting the shits, they gave me pitocin to stop the bleeding.  After a shot to the leg, I passed out.  I don't know how long I was out for.  I don't know what was going on during that time.

When I came to, I was disoriented.  Still in the delivery room.  Still a lot of action going on around me.  Had a big warm blanket on me.  Family were passing my son around and taking pictures (it was like I wasn't even there to them; they weren't even aware of the danger I was in!).  I threw up.  They mentioned something about me having lost a lot of blood.  I was to take iron.  I was the first to hold my son while in a twilight state and don't remember it at all.  I wasn't able to hold him again until I got to the recovery room.

I wasn't even able to properly bond with my son until hours later.  Even though it was out of my control, I still feel horrible about that.  About not getting that initial experience that so many other mothers get.  I felt cheated.

I'm terrified of it happening again.  There are various factors that can lead to PPH, and Mt. Caramel never talked to me about the bleeding or possible reasons.  I just learned of various reasons why from Baby Center (first link) and various other links.

For my next appointment, I'm going to talk to my doctor about how likely it is to occur again; and if we can have safeguards in place, like having blood and pitocin on hand.  I'm scared that it's going to happen.  I'm scared that I won't be able to hold my son, or even see my other son again.  I'm trying to not think about the possibilities, but it's a reality that I shouldn't ignore either.  It's a possibility that I need to talk to my doctor about and include in the birth plan.

I'm also drinking red leaf raspberry tea twice a week to try and tone my uterus, and to hopefully help to slow any bleeding that may occur.

I'm hoping that by going natural, the labor process won't take as long, there will be less stress when pushing, and hopefully that won't be another factor to PPH.

I'm just scared, and I'm doing as much research as I can and reading a lot of first hand accounts.

About.com: Postpartum Hemorrhage
Three Keys to Avoiding PPH
Postpartum Hemorrhage
Scared to Have Another Child After PPH
PPH and Future Risk
Women's Experiences of PPH in Their Own Words

These women keep saying that it's rare to have two cases of it, yet many of these same women have had more than one!  Talk about conflicting information!  Either it's rare or it's not; can't be both, yall!

Things will be different this time.  Like I typed, I'm drinking uterus toning tea, I have experience, I'm going natural, I'm going to talk it over with my doctor and hopefully have what we need on hand, just in case. And if it can be helped, I don't want to be given pitocin during labor, like I was last time.  Why?  Because after they gave it to me, they shoved a freaking fetal monitor up inside me.  It hurt like hell!  And my son got stuck on it AND it left a red mark and a bruise on his head!  The ones that are outside of your body, yeah, those are fine, but the ones that go inside, NO.  Especially since I plan on going natural, I want to be able to move around if I feel the need.

Which I don't even know why they gave me pitocin the first time.  My water broke naturally.  But they started me on it, hence why they shoved a freakin monitor up there.  Mt. Caramel didn't tell me shit.  I was so naive.  I wish I could remember more about my birthing experience, but I really can't.  I was asleep for a lot of it and distracted by the excitement of having my baby.

Although About.com says, "Some hospitals and birth centers choose to give every woman a routine injection of pitocin to help prevent hemorrhage and to help ensure that the placenta comes quickly and easily."

This time, I going to be better educated on what's going to happen, too.   I was completely ignorant of everything that was going on with me.  The drugs given, the reasons why.  In my head, it was just routine.  Ain't nothing wrong with educating yourselves, ladies.  Talk to your doctor, midwife, birthing center, hospital, whatever.  Ask them what their steps are during birth.  If you're unsure of something, ask!  If you're not comfortable, talk about it!

Labor and delivery are also going to be more intimate, too.  This time, I'm probably not going to have the mom's there.  Especially if I'm able to go natural, no.  No mom's.  No aunt.  No hot heads.  It was stressful.  After the first epidural wore off, I was in a lot of pain, and they were freaking out and threatening nurses.  How ghetto is that?  I get being protective and stuff, but that's just embarrassing and disrespectful!  Those RN's didn't deserve to be treated in such a way!  And it certainly didn't do me any favors.

If I do have any mom's, it'll be my mom, simply because my step mom was weirdly possessive over my son when he was ready to be held.  Like, she swooped in and held him before my husband did!  Then she didn't want to share him.  WTF?  If she doesn't like it, too fucking bad.  Weirdo.

Although to be honest, my son will probably be in my mom's care, so it'll probably just be me and my husband.  Regardless of who's in there when he's born, the first people to hold my son are going to be the parents first.  EVEN if I have to wait to hold my son, due to PPH.  I want to bond with him before other family push their way in and hold him.  They can wait.  I want it to be intimate.  Family first.  Me, my husband, and my son to meet the newest addition before everyone else.

Like we're going to tell people when I got into labor, but also tell them to not show up until after he's born.

The only thing I can do, is educate myself, talk to my doctor about it at my next appointment, and have faith that everything will go well this time.

Thursday, April 24, 2014

Wish I Could Chill Out and Go For A Swim

Had my NST and Prenatal appointments today.  I learned what happens to an extremely active baby when they roll onto their cord.  Their cardiac drops to 90-100 and they chill out.  This happened twice, and the second time, he lasted for about a minute.  But he rolls off on his own and then kept a base line of 145-155.  They monitored him for a little longer until the doctor was satisfied and I was released to my second appointment.  I'll just have to remember to not be on my back so much.  I didn't know that that could happen, them laying on their cords, their lifeline, and thus slowing their heart rates!  Not that I've been on my back a whole lot.

Nothing too significant with my second appointment.  I dropped a pound from two weeks ago, so now I'm at 305.6 lbs.  Makes me happy, especially when you calculate how much of that is going bye bye when the baby comes.  And if I keep up on my low carb diet, I'll be able to keep it off, and lose more.  Hopefully get down to my target weight of 245 lbs. or less.

I have a pelvic examine in two weeks (at 36 weeks), then an ultrasound the next day.  After we see his weight, then we'll decide how many newborn diapers we'll need.  My son was only in newborn diaper for 2 weeks before he was bumped up to size one.  We're going to start stockpiling diapers and formula this week.

I still plan on pumping, but it's best to have a back up....plus, I plan only pumping for about 3 months, because I need a job.  We'll see how everything goes.  My nips are getting darker and larger; hopefully we'll have better luck this time.

Man, when I got home, I thought I was having legit contractions.  At first, it felt like menstrual cramps, then they spread to my side and back.  I stood up and they lessened, then got stronger.  I walked around.  They went away, then came back, giving me mild pain.  I laid down and they were worse on my left side, so I rolled over and they eventually stopped.  Which was great because I was exhausted.

I'm mentioning them, because I'm having another cramping bout.  Not as bad as it was earlier.

I had these last time with my son.  I had been having Braxton Hicks for several months, and as it got closer to my due date, the BH's got worse and more uncomfortable, often down right painful!  They say that BH's don't hurt, well then again, some women also enjoy labor.  I'm just hoping that this kid can hold out for at least another week.  Wait for May 1 to come so then my health insurance will be active!  If he wants to come early, let it be in a week.  Exactly.  Right on May Day.

Ugh, tired of being tired.  That's only going to get worse.  Tired of being in pain.  Tired of being cranky.  Tired of being whiny.  Tired of being pregnant.  But I've got 3 to 6 weeks left.  Ish.  Think I might try to go to bed early tonight.

Well, next week is the big move!  In terms of transforming the living room to be more newborn friendly, while not too different for big brother.  And in terms of moving the carseat and hospital bag out to the car.  I'm excited.

Then the week after that, I'll be able to see my little guy again.  Hopefully, he'll be more cooperative and we'll get some good portraits!

Wednesday, April 23, 2014


Ah, Target lied!  Our bassinet DOES need batteries.  C's!  Le sigh, at least it's assembled.

In other news, milestones reached by son, just this evening:

  • Attempted to put socks on
  • Put one leg of his pants on
  • Pointed at self and said, "Baby."
  • Stepped down, outside, all by himself.  Little Mr. Independent!

He's a smart kid!

Then, he came home and started licking door frames....because he's weird.  Well, he's definitely our child!  Not that we lick walls or frames...

Stroller Shopping

Looking for a new ride for my little man and his coming brother.  We have a Baby Trend Jogger right now; we're using the crap out of it, too--getting my brother's money's worth!  I do love the joggers, not because I'm a jogger, but because I like the three wheels and the off road capabilities that the larger wheels offer.  However, I don't care for our jogger simply because it's not compatible with our Graco carseat and it has air tires.  One of the wheels has a slow leak.  Kind of annoying, to be honest!  But other than that, I do like it.

But now I'm on the hunt for a double stroller, preferably one that will grow with my rambunctious toddler.  Hubby's convinced that we won't need a double stroller, but I am.  Lycan can't walk about forever!  And there are going to be times where it'll be safer and easier to have him in the stroller, instead of just walking about, like say when we're at festivals or walking along busy streets!  He's a big boy.  Daddy ain't gonna want to carry him all that way!  Having both kids in the stroller will bring peace of mind (especially if it's just me and them); when the kids are big enough for a wagon, then we'll switch.  Plus I plan on having at least one more kid, already having the double stroller will be great.

My requirements for a stroller are:
  • Graco, or a brand compatible with my carseat.  I do want to take my infant out into the world.
  • No side-by-side.  Why?  Because they're not exactly door friendly.  
  • I'd like to not having a black or a dark colored stroller simply because dark colors attract heat.  
  • Nothing too blue
  • Under carriage space
  • Cup holders for kids and parents
  • A small comparment for odds and ends, like a camera.
  • No air tires
  • Has to be a brand I've heard of or has a high customer/safety review
  • Nothing super expensive!
  • Perhaps a compatibility with rain and mosquito covers

So this is what I've been looking at:

Ha, I know, it violates a couple of my requirements, being blue and is also very expensive, but I love my joggers!  This is more of a desire than an actual want.  This is window shopping.  But I'd never spend $200 or more on a stroller!  Unless it had it all and I had plans of having lots of kids!  However, there's a lot of side-by-side joggers, but I'm just not a fan of those.  They seem too bulky and just not practical.  Great for outside, but no indoor/outdoor transition.  

Here's a Baby Trend, only because it's a lot cheaper than the Graco's, but I still don't know that it's compatible with my carseat.  (But if push comes to shove, I'll trade in my carseat for a different brand.)

So the Graco's, there are two.  One is a Sit-n-Stand and the other isn't, but has more undercarriage space.

I've had my eye on this one.  I've seen in the store, seen the size, played with it a little.  I wasn't able to fold it up yet to see how large it is, but it's my favorite so far.  But it's also nearing the $200 mark.  Unfortunately, good, safe double strollers aren't cheap (and I ain't going to Walmart!  Screw Walmart!).

This is the second one:

Not a Sit-n-Stand, but look at the cargo space!  And I like the splash of color.

Color-wise, looks like dark strollers are in this year.  

Another factor that I have to think of is...will a double stroller fit in our trunk?  I dunno.  With the prospect of having a big family and already being large people ourselves, I know we're going to need a van.  Something that tall family friendly and has cargo space.  Hubby's against the van idea, but he's gotta face reality.  We need the space!  He's not thinking about the big picture!  He wants a truck.  Van first, truck later.

We and my mom are keeping our eyes open for a cheap or even gently used double stroller, but the big thing is that it absolutely has to be compatible with our carseat, otherwise, we're going to find ourselves purchasing a new carseat!  

We're going to sell our stroller to Once Upon a Child, but only when we're certain of our choice.  I don't want to be without a stroller, since we've been using it so much.

Eh, I've still got a few stores to check out.  Maybe I'll get lucky.  

Any suggestions or advice?

Name Snobs & Bullies

One thing that I've noticed with many Name Snobs is that they tend to use bullies as to why someone shouldn't be naming their child something different, all while trying to look caring.  They often say things like, "People don't realize how mean kids are these days."

Kids can be mean.  They didn't go through an anti-bullying phase.  If a bully is going to target you, they'll use any difference, not just your first name!

  • Wearing glasses
  • Having braces
  • Skin color
  • Hair style
  • Clothing
  • Last name
  • Liking or disliking certain things
  • Your gender
  • Wearing dresses
  • Wearing headcoverings
  • Liking certain colors
  • Music choices
  • Because they're smart; because they're not!
  • Having different beliefs
  • Not observing certain holidays
  • Having any disability
  • Playing an instrument
  • The way your teeth look

Pick something!  Or add to the list!  If it's different, a bully's going to target it.  Your first name has nothing to do with it.  They target differences.  They will say anything they need to to make themselves feel better.  It doesn't matter.  

"Oh, no, you named your child something I don't like, they're going to be bullied!  How can you be so cruel and selfish!"  

Does that mean that kids shouldn't wear glasses or braces, or have any differences at all.....because they'll be the target of a bully?  No.  It means that we as parents need to raise strong, confident children.  Most behaviors are learned.  If your child sees you being judgmental and hateful over a name choice, more than likely, they're going to adopt that behavior.  
  • Raise confident children
  • Don't raise little assholes
  • Don't give your kids something to imitate
  • If you see this behavior, correct them; you are their parent/legal guardian, you have that power.
  • If your child is upset because of bullies, don't ignore the problem.  Talk to your child.  Talk to the school.  Talk to the parents.  Enroll your child in self defense classes.  Do what you need to to encourage your child and empower them to know that it's okay to stand out from the crowd.  It's okay to be different.  

If you're going to be a Name Snob, that's fine because not everyone is going to get along or like the same things, that's called diversity and individualism, but at least own up to it.  Don't use bullies or workforce discrimination as scapegoat, especially while trying to look like you care.  Grow up.  Be the positive role model you're trying to be, that you claim to be.

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Problems, But It's Not All Bad

The bassinet came today, I'm excited, except now hubby is too upset to put it together due to the Redwings loss.  Stupid sports.  Normally, I put furniture together, but he's been putting all of the baby stuff together.  This might be my project.

The problem with ordering online is that I can't see how large the furniture is and this thing is bigger than I expected, at least according to the picture on the box!  Kind of makes me wish I had shopped around at some local baby stores, just for size alone.  Apartment living, kind of needs something compact and light.  But we'll see when it's all together.

Right now we're dealing with other matters involving our landlord and them having not fixed our ceiling yet.  We've been sleeping in our living room for the past 2 months, mattress included.  about two months ago, when the snow and ice was melting, our roof sprang a leak.  They fixed the roof, but haven't inspected the attic for mold or fixed our horrible stained and slightly bowed ceiling.  Not to mention it reeks of rotted wood, even after airing out the room and things like that.

2 months later, I'm due in about a month, our mattress is still in the living room, and the landlord is still feeding us BS about why they haven't made repairs or checked for mold.  Luckily friends and family on FB have been very helpful with suggestions in order to force our landlord to do their job, because this is absolute BS.

But I can't sit and dwell on things we can't fix right now; hubby's got a lot of homework to take care of.  It's important for me to focus on other things like my son, the bassinet, my Carbmaster Milk, and how well the NST went today.  When I got to the hospital, Vin had quite the case of hiccups!  It was funny, could barely hear his heart over them.  But he took mommy's advice of "gulping down some pee water", then from there was super "wild", as the tech's put it.  Just like his brother.  It was nice, because they let me out early.  Hopefully Vin performs this well on Thursday, since my prenatal appointment is scheduled right after!

The Preggo Whinery

Once again, it's late, I'm bored and awake.  At least I'm not nauseous or gassy.  But my son is very much awake.  Some of his kicks are painful today!  He's been putting a lot of pressure on my crotch today, too.  And while I was laying on my side earlier, he kept pushing against the mattress, it was weird.  Felt like he was trying to feel his way out or something.  Definitely wasn't into mommy being comfortable!  Normally he favors my right side, but this evening, he's been checking out the other side, since he's running out of space.

My lower back and side is hurting.  I have no sense of focus or inspiration anymore.  Memory?  What's that again?  Nausea.  Morning sickness.  Exhaustion.  The joints in my right hand keep locking up, especially in my middle knuckle.  Super dry and itchy skin, but it's not over my stomach, but my legs, upper arms, and shoulders instead.  I was having an allergic reaction to something, but I've sense got rid of it and cleaned everything.  Now I can only attribute the itchiness to hormones.

However, I did manage to find some Carbmaster Lactose-Free Milk; it has 3 grams of carbs instead of 12.  And it tastes good for once.  Major score for me!

Before I was having horrific nightmares combining my two worst fears: losing my little boy and zombies.  Now my dreams are more pleasant, in that neither events are happening.  But now I've been having dreams of going into Late Pre-Term labor, but always at the hospital, as I arrive for an appointment.  The best place where my water can break, yeah?  In the dream, I'm always saying, "I'd be happier if I wasn't (insert week) pregnant!"  Not to mention our health insurance doesn't kick in until May 1st.  But I'm getting closer to that safety zone of full-term.

For some reason, I'm really looking forward to week 35.  Don't ask why, I have no clue.  I'm just really excited about it.  Maybe it's because it's the week that I'm moving the carseat and hospital bag into the car?  Exchaning the bouncer for the swing in the living room?  Getting a toy box for the living room?  Or that it's the last week of April, and I'll be one more month closer?

I can't wait until my bassinet gets here this week.

Ugh, I have three appointments this week, one tomorrow and two on Thursday (2 NST's, 1 prenatal).

My freakin side hurts.  I guess I'll try to lay down and fall asleep since I can't focus on writing fanfiction, and all I'm doing here is rambling.  AND here comes the nausea and hearburn.  Figures.

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Another Milestone!

My son, who doesn't say a whole lot, told me to, "Go away, mama!" when I wouldn't let him go outside this evening.  Child loves the outdoors.  When the screen door opened, he tried to make a break for it.  I grabbed him and he threw a fit.

I knew that kid knew who I was.  I can never get him to say "mama", but he knows me as such.  But the only time he says it is when he wants something, and it's not always to me.  But the kid will say "dada" all day long and TO his daddy.  Turd.

Other things he said today:

"Want now."  When daddy had his snack ready, but it needed to cool down before little man could eat it.

"Pee Pee."  While he carried around a bottle of baby powder and later, a diaper.

"Diaper." While playing with said diaper.

He also said purple, paper, pappy, puppy, and apple.

He saying more and more actual words!  And tonight, said his first complete sentence.  It was during a temper tantrum and it was directed at me, but I'm still proud of him.  :-)  Now, enjoy this article of toddlers throwing temper tantrums for funny reasons:

No more bacon, Miley Cyrus being on TV, and being at a Justin Bieber concert are perfectly justifiable reasons to throw temper tantrums, btw.

Then there's this video, that's similar to the many conversations that we've had with our own little outdoors man.

An Important Check!

I finally ordered the bassinet (thanks to my awesome mother); as she would say, it's the "Mac Daddy" of bassinets and it's not too high on price.  Some of them were $130 or more!  The one I found was $99, and had things that my mom wanted, like vibrations, mattress/pad, and a fitted sheet.  And it seemed pretty sturdy--need sturdy with a toddler!  Sturdy with locking wheels!  

We bought this one from Target: Simmons Kids Slumber Time Elite Bassinet - Expresso Latte.

It's in a neutral colors, which is good, but I wasn't happy with Target's color choices of fitted bassinet sheets: Blue, Pink, and White.  I was hoping for a pop of color, like yellow or green, but ended up getting white.  I'm just so tired of blue for a boy!  That's why I'm determined to not get blue or sports themed bedding for Vincent when we move onto a crib.

I didn't want to frilly, lacey, or blue, like some of the bassinets I had come across either.  Not entirely happy about the skirt, but it hides the rocking mechanics, so less pinching of toddler fingers, yeah?

Although I was thinking about getting this one, instead.  I had seen in it the store and it seems sturdy to me; I got to play around with it a little bit: Fisher-Price My Little Snugamonkey Special Edition Deluxe Rock n Play Sleeper.

It has vibrations, gently rocks, was $54, is more apartment friendly (compact, light, fold-able), and had a good customer rating, but I wanted something that wasn't just an incline.  I wanted the option of doing incline and flat.  That and I just wasn't sure how safe, I guess, it was.  I'm sure it's good for naps, but I dunno.  I had reservations about it.  Plus I have a swing and a bouncer which are inclined, and I love them both.

That, and the bassinet we bought seems more toddler safe, I suppose.  Of course, I'll still have to supervise, that's a duh given.

But the bassinet oughta be here in a week.

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

L is for...

Feeling better today.  Like I said last night, I made an initial plaque for my son's room.  I was originally going to do this idea (only not with the full name), but canvas can be pricey!  So my broke butt opted for all wood instead.  It's cheaper.  However, inspect that your wood isn't warped!

I picked my fonts, choosing two that were different, yet similar (for both boys).  I was going to go for first and last initials, but figures that the fonts I chose didn't have any W's.  Then, I went home and put a three coats of paint on the L and on the circle.   (I chose a circle for Lycan because it's like the moon; went with a square for Vin because it suited the vertical nature of his letter.  They had stars and heart shapes, but I didn't care for them).

After the pain dried, I glued the letter and plaque together with wood glue and let it set for a couple of hours with something flat and heavy on top.

Because Lycan's bedding is the TMNT theme, choosing the colors for his plaque was easy: yellow and green.  Vin's plaque is still in pieces because I don't know what theme we're going to go with for his bedding.  But he'll have one soon enough!

Who knew that my kid's room would spark inspiration in me, eh?  I just want to create create create!

Going to be 33 weeks tomorrow and I'm getting antsy, so excuse me while I go shopping for a bassinet for Vin!

Monday, April 14, 2014

Round Two for the NST's

Started my first of many NST's this week, due to starting glyburide.  My appointments are twice a week.  Well, at least, I don't have weekly prenatal appointments....yet.  I'm taking the glyburide, not because my blood sugars are bad, but because my Fasting Blood Sugars (the one I have to take in the morning before eating) are high.  So I only take the glyburide at night.  So far, it's working pretty well.  I've gone from above 100's to below 80's.

Today, during our appointment, I got to see Vincent having quite the fit of hiccups.  That was cool.

The nurse was surprised by his readings, because they were everywhere, ranging from the 130's to the 180's.  She said that I've got a wild child.  I told her that his brother was the same way.  But at least he passed his stress test.  Mommy did not.  Wasn't anything medical, but damn I was stressed out and it could've led to such an event as a preterm delivery.  I won't talk about it here, but it involved a broken wiper blade, rain, and morons.

Due to that stress, my eating schedule was all messed up and I said, "Fuck this," earlier and pigged out on Flyers pizza bombs (they're like pizza rolls only 100000000 times better).  I needed it.  It was carby deliciousness, damn it.  I had 10 of them.  With honey mustard.  I was in carby heaven.  After my day, I needed it.

In other news, I made a small initial plaque for my son's room, but I don't feel like uploading the picture from my computer right now.  I'll probably write about it tomorrow.

Sunday, April 13, 2014

Cook Outs & Appointments

Normally when we throw a party, especially birthday parties, very little people show, and lots of food goes to waste.  Yesterday, we threw an impromptu cook out and it was a success (that's the trick, apparently, we have to spring it on people ;-p).  We had my dad, step mom, BIL, SIL, and their kids over at a secluded area of Darby Creek Metro Park.  It was fun and I'm glad that it worked out.  Hubby cooked and didn't char anything (because of me); hubby's not a griller....but he did well this time.  Just needed some guidance.

32 Week Shadow 

Then the grandparents showed up and I was so happy!  I love taking pictures of my son and playing and all of that awesomeness, but mommy needed a break.  We had gone shopping earlier and just walking about those two stores wore me out.  I even came home and chilled out for a few minutes.  Then again, I am nearly 8 months preggo (unless I am 8 months, I dunno, some answers on google aren't clear [i don't care about the math, just give me my answer.  It's the internet, I shouldn't have to work for my answer]); my energy levels aren't what they used to be!

Lycan played with sticks, bubbles; he even made his first bubble!  He's a pretty hands on child.  He'll watch you do something, then once he's got it, he wants to try it himself.  He was so proud of himself, just as we were of him.  A visual learner, just like his daddy.

He may not be talking a whole lot--well, actual words--but he knows and understands a lot of words.  He has a huge vocabulary!  He's a smart kid.  Surprises me a lot!

He also played ball with grandpa and with his cousins, Justin and Gabrielle, when they showed up.  Found some more sticks and played.

When Justin took a tumble and skinned his knee, I was reminded that I need to upgrade our diaper bag first aid kit, from infant to toddler.  Lycan prefers walking/running on the concrete to the grass.  Not a big grass fan right now.  Concrete's not as forgiving as grass, so mommy needs to have neosporin and bandaids at the ready!

When we got home, we learned that our little Wolfman is an outdoors man.  He did not want to come inside!  But when I said, "Hey, the street lights are on; it's time to come inside," he looked up and made a b-line for the door, all on his own.  Although once the door closed, he started ballin'.  Child wasn't ready to come inside; he just wanted to play.  Truly, he is my child.  Which I love, but it really makes me wish we had a fenced in yard or a gated on our fenced in patio.  Mommy's definitely going to need some help with him when Vin's born!  Child is go go go!  These kids are going to keep when busy especially when Vin is trying to chase his big brother around.

Of course, as soon as I go to chill out, Vin wakes up and decides that it's time to party.  This child.

As for today, even though it's beautiful and I did want to go back to Darby, we're relaxing.  Mommy's sore and tired.

Had my doctor's appointment on Friday.  My Blood Sugars are still doing great, but my Fasting Blood Sugars are still too high, so yesterday, I started on Glyburide again.  It's doing it's job.  However, due to being on medication, that means I'm going to be having Stress Tests twice a week....again.  I should've expected it.  Stupid FBS.  However, I'm still having my prenatal check ups every two weeks.  For now, until it gets closer.

I'm really hoping that Vin's going to come between 37 and 39 weeks.  37 because he'll be full term, and 39 because it's near May 28th, and I think it'd be awesome if he was born on the 28th, because Lycan and I are both 28thers.  But he'll come when he comes, I just want him to be happy and healthy.

Thursday, April 10, 2014

I'm Hoping This is Just Preggo Brain

By the Gods, how stupid are people?

I'm currently educating myself about natural labor and delivery; reading birth stories and techniques, and watching videos (and I'm getting nervous as hell!), and stuff.  I'm on these various sites just soaking it in, pretty much.  I already have an account on The Bump, which isn't a whole lotta help to be honest.  So I joined Baby Center, which is nice because I get to see a ticker for both my kids on the same line.  That and they have a lot of information and videos, a lot more than The Bump.

I plugged in my screen name and then my kids' two internet names: Wolfman and Bigfoot.  Tell me why some woman sent me a message that read, "Those aren't you kid's real names, are they?"

"So what if they are?  Got a problem with it?  Shit, you probably think my real name WolfmoonMom, yeah?"

What?  Then again, in the age of Hashtag, Google, Facebook, and ESPN, can't tell what's a online handle and what's not anymore, I guess.  Still, no "welcome to baby center" just straight " you name choices are stupid!"  Like, really?  Rude first, welcomes later?  What's humanity coming to?

After reading some blogs and thoughts, I'm now reminded why I don't usually join parenting sites, let alone read blogs, questions, and comments.  Holy shit, some people are judgmental and rude!  One lady claimed to be an HR person, and according to her, if a person's name isn't "normal", grammatically correct and proper and all that, they ignore the application.  What?  They judge that person's qualifications base only on their names.  Wow.  That's not a company I'd want to be a part of, company policy or not.  That's ridiculously childish and even racist, since some names are cultural.  Not to mention, at least in some parts of the United States (all perhaps, I dunno), it's discrimination, which is illegal.  Not being hired simply because your name isn't "acceptable"?  By who's standards?

What a bunch of bull.

I really do try to stay out of the baby name topics because some people are just so mean and ignorant.  I don't understand why they feel the need to jump on the internet and release their inner bitch/asshole.  Then I'm reminded, that people often grow a pair when they're screen-to-screen; their ugly just comes out.  There's no sense in it.  Being rude for the sake of it.  Grow the fuck up, people.

The internet really allows you to see a person's ugliness sometimes.  But at the same time, it's only one side, one facet of them, if it's even them at all.  Doesn't mean you have to be a total bitch to people.  Treat others the way you want to be treated.  I guess they want to be belittled and degraded.  Maybe they are away from the screen?  Who knows?  Maybe that's just who they are.  Then again, it's those kinds of people that can teach you a lot about the world and yourself.

The world would be pretty boring if everyone was nice, yeah?

The Pagan Community (and really any spiritual/religious community) can get pretty ugly at times, but honestly, I've seen the worse behaviors and treatments on parenting sites.  It's ridiculous.

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

First vs Second

A few weeks ago, a friend asked if I was going to have a sprinkle for Vincent.  A sprinkle being the cute name for shower that concerns babies after the first one.  I told her no because we don't need much for him, except for large stuff, diapers, and formula (if I can't pump).

In planning for the nursery wall project, I found myself getting a little sad.  Lycan got a big ole party pre-birth, with lots of special gifts and cards.  Vincent, more than likely, won't be getting special gifts and cards for his birth.  Maybe I should've had a sprinkle?  Why should one child be celebrated and not the other?

My husband brought this up, too.  He's a first born kid, so he was lavished and spoiled.  I wasn't.  I'm used to coming in second, behind my brother.  But he was comparing my brother's kid to ours, in terms of celebrations.  For my niece's first birthday, a lot of family showed up for it; it was a fun, relaxed atmosphere.  For Lycan's first birthday, I think 8 or so people might have shown up for it, my step dad didn't stay and my mom was more concerned about keeping the place clean.  My brother and his niece don't count because he was in Kuwait and she was in Italy or Spain with her mom.  A lot of people who RVSPed either came up with lame excuses or just didn't show up.  Talk about a waste of money.  I told my husband, "Well, the ones who came are the important people."  We did have fun; especially my son, and that's what's really important.

My husband is so offended by it and I guess I should be, too, but really I'm not that surprised.  The attention has always been focused on my brother and on his daughter.

It is fair to Lycan?  No.  Of course not.  Later, if we have to deal with hurt feelings, we'll deal with them.  But I know that I don't want to do that to our kids, no matter how many we have--show favoritism, it's messed up.  I don't want one feeling more love and attention than the other(s), simply due to who was born first.

Here's the finished piece btw:

April 10, 2014

Friday, April 4, 2014

Keepsake Box and Other Finds

I just found a Keepsake Box that I kinda like.  I have a baby book, a two shutterfly photo books from my son's first year, and a keepsake box with all of those special elements in it.  I've been thinking about making a Shadow Box and putting his delivery stuff in it, too, but I dunno.  I kinda like this idea from Spoonful better.  Everything's all packed up and ready to go, ready for them to look through it later on; it's labeled and organized.  And I can store things like this idea in it too (only instead of writing a letter to them, our kids are going to get a box of 18 birthday cards that each have $10-20 in with a note from us).

Ooo, and here's another good idea for shower cards: turn em into art:

Veronika's Blushing: DIY Transform Your Baby Shower Cards into Nursery Art!

Grounding & Delivery

Maybe I should get back to regular grounding?  But then, that would require some alone, quiet time.  Some meditation time.  Right now, the only time that happens is in baby boy is napping or in bed for the night.  When little boy two comes, there will be no time, unless we get lucky again, and he's a long napper, like his brother sometimes was.  But I don't like dealing with the maybes concerning meditation and grounding.  I don't like the jarring, disorientation that comes with uncertainties.  It defeats the purpose of the exercise.

When I was a college student, I had no problem grounding in a public place.  All I had to do was stop, close my eyes, and do it, ya know?  Helped a lot with my anxieties!  Course I was also meditating 2-4 days out of  the week!  I don't meditate so much anymore.  I want to.  I think a meditation session will allow me to meet up with Artemis, since She's invaded my thoughts with antlers and such things.

As I've mentioned before, I'm going to have a natural birth this time, or try.  No epidurals.  Can't push in the butt if you can't feel your butt.  I've been thinking a lot about how I'm going to handle the pain.  I have a low pain tolerance, but I survived suffering hours upon hours of agonizing gall bladder inflammation nearly a year ago.  It rivaled childbirth (I needed two injection, and they did wear off, which is good, otherwise I might still be trying to push my first son out).  That experience gives me confidence that I can handle childbirth.  Hopefully.

I've got some plans, although birthing plans don't always go as planned, if at all.  I figured I'd dim the lights, maybe have some music in my ears, and give myself a focal point, something Artemis related, as one of Her aspects includes childbirth.  Might as well try to work with that energy.  With my first kid, I wanted to hold carnelian and rose quartz during delivery, well, I left my stones at home!  This time, I'm packing my focal point before hand!

I don't know that I'll be able to ground, but desperation drives you to try just about anything.  Until I find myself in the hospital, I'm going to starting grounding and centering myself at night, for some practice.  Instead of drinking that shot of whiskey or glass of wine, I figure some lavender tea and grounding might be better this time around concerning Parent Bootcamp Pt. 2.  That and I wonder if grounding will help me with my depression, too?

Might as well try it.  I know it's not going to cure me, but it might help me deal, help me to calm myself and focus on goals.  Help me in the long run.

Hm, maybe I should've just waited to read other PBP bloggers before settling on the failed "Gain"?  Eh, I'll just add it to my own list.


Thursday, April 3, 2014

Ginger Ice Pops

Earlier I was sitting here, fighting the urge to not throw up my dinner.  I just kept wishing that I had some ginger, especially ginger tea.  But alas, I don't.  So then I wondered about ice pops; are there natural ginger ice pops?

Chances are, I'm not going to be able to just get em from Kroger or Meijer, so I went looking online, and I found two recipes, one I liked and one I didn't, but here are they:

How To Make PopShop's Meyer Lemon Ginger Ice Pops
Self: Ginger-Citrus Pops

I felt goofy after googling, because really all you need is a blender, some fruit, honey, and herbs, and either an ice cube tray or a popsicle mold, or various shaped molds.  Wait, it is mode or mold?  Ah, who cares, this isn't a professional blog and yall ain't dumb.

Problem with ice pops and ice cubes for me is that they only work while in mouth.  After I'm finished with them, the sensation returns, which is why I was hoping for some with natural ingredients known for settling an upset stomach.  One that can even settle a tummy caused by hormones!  Don't know that ginger will do that for me, but might as well try, yeah?

Pets Are Out to Eat Your Babies!

I'm over on some site reading comments concerning Bad Parenting Advice and one of them, about their pet dog, reminded me of something a friend of the family told me:

"You're going to have to get rid of your ferret, because ferrets are known for killing babies."

Yeah, and cats are known for sucking out a baby's soul.  What's your point?  And I should listen to you because you're a vet assistant?  Honey, come on.  Come on!  I wasn't born yesterday!

I can see if someone's not supervising their ferret and newborn interactions, about the ferret harming the child, but straight, viciously killing them due to jealousy?  Bullshit.  Besides, who the hell is going to ignore their child's cries of pain if something like that even happened?  Who the fuck is that stupid?  (okay, don't answer that)

No, my ferret's not a free roamer.  No, we don't have them out at the same time because Marsden is a jumper and a foot biter when he's out of his cage.  We're smart about it.  I know my ferrets personality out of cage, I'm not going to let him around my toddler and baby.

Yes, I've also taken precautions to ferret and baby proofing his cage.  I hate it when people treat ya like you're an idiot.  They think they're being helpful, but they're really not.  You can ask me if I know the dangers of introducing a new member to a pet, and not tell me some bullshit fearmongering story or assuming that I'm an idiot and need your advice.

I'm well aware that some pets do react negativity towards newborns, but at the same time, I'm not going to assume that just because my pet is fine around me, that they're going to be safe around my child as well.  I'm not stupid.  I've grown up with various pets, I've educated myself on them, and on introducing them to new family/pack members, from other animals to children.  Don't just assume that I'm ignorant of this situation, and certainly don't pass off hearsay without checking the facts and the story out.

For example, on the night that I brought my son home from the hospital, our dog--loyal, man's best friend, good watchdog, perfect, well trained, obedient, never had a problem with him--got between me and my son and viciously tried to bite me, for no reason.  I almost broke his fucking neck, but I didn't want to upset/risk harm to my sleeping newborn.  He was gone within the week.  Couldn't trust him anymore.  He ended up going to a relative's house, despite that I voted that he should've been put down (he's an older chow-mix and isn't good with children, he's proved it time and time again by biting two of the cousins unprovoked!, and yet the family's soft and refuse to put him down.  Me?  I don't tolerate that behavior.  Nor will I allow that mutt to be around my son(s).  Either put him down or let the shelter know that he's not good with children and let them figure out what to do with him).

But for some reason, people assume that you don't know anything and therefore need unsolicited advice.

Am I Done Yet?

Ugh, this week is going by so slow!  I've definitely hit that mark where I just want it to be 37-39 weeks and for him to be ready.  But alas, tis only 31 weeks!  Ugh!!!!!  I'm tired of being pregnant.  But at least this time is better than the first, minus the horrid incontinence and the morning sickness....which has returned and this momma is not happy about!  But it returned around this time when I was pregnant with my son, too.  Only this time it's a lot worse!

I tried looking up pictures of what the mucus plug looks like because I had a scare Monday.  I could not stomach the pictures.  I couldn't.  Then I saw a freaking blob fish that made me close my laptop.  One, what the hell does a blob fish have to do with a woman's pregnancy mucus plug?  They don't even resemble each other, except maybe their color.  But that's what did it.  That's what made me slam my laptop closed.  I promise you, I normally do not have this weak of a stomach.  I can take gutting a deer, but not pictures of a mucus plug or even a Big Mac?  What?  Pregnancy's weird.

Some symptoms I get, they make sense, but majority of them?  What the hell?  Hormones are crazy.  The shit we go through.

I cannot wait until my extreme sensitivity to odors goes away.  Be nice to change a diaper without having to cram some baby wipes up my nostrils.

So my scare.  I was in the bathroom, wiping.  I'm used to the typical mucus that I see, but then I felt something with my bare fingers that literally freaked me the fuck out.  It just felt so big and gooey (but not wet, nor dry), like the size of a silver dollar, only in blob form.  Right?  I accidentally dropped it into the damn toilet!  But I got a look at it real quick, it was a whitish blob of vaginal snot, as I call it.  And it was not the size of a silver dollar, but more so of a nickel or a penny.

Freaked me out.  I looked online and asked friends and family who've seen their plugs, and what I got was that the plug was usually a lot larger.  I had nickel sized globs when I was pregnant with my first son, too.  I remember telling Mount Caramel and they didn't seem all that concerned; they just said it was normal (I had called them and asked).  I was thinking that they'd have me come in, due to being high risk, but they didn't.  They didn't even examine me at my next appointment.  You'd think a high risker, they'd check to be sure, especially since without it sometimes the fetus is more prone to infections, or so I've read.  But at Riverside, despite having GD, I'm not high risk.  Part of me still thinks I should call them, but then my appointment is in two days anyway.

Still freaks me out, since I'm only 31 weeks.  I didn't see my plug with my first son, but that doesn't mean that it didn't come out in pieces.  I was reading that some woman who go into labor hours after losing theirs or even 2-3 weeks.  I've been checking for fluid loss and contractions, but everything's been normal.  But I will mention it at my next appointment Friday.  Plus, I've been reading up on late-term preemies just to be educated just in case I do go into labor.

If it happens, it happens.  I don't have control over it.  I just gotta keep on with what I've been doing for the last few months.  Luckily, I'm at a better hospital; I feel more confident with them, than if I had gone back to Mount Caramel.

Good thing Artemis has made a reappearance in my life, because of one Her aspects is protection during childbirth.  I'll be praying to Her for sure, especially since I'm going to try to go as natural as I can, I'm going to need all of the help I can get!

Right now, I just gotta stay positive and alert.  See what the doctor says on Friday.

I'm getting antsy.  I can only look at baby needs and wants for so long, ya know?  In a month, we're moving the car seat back into the car, as well as my hospital bag.  As much as I'm tired of this pregnancy, I want him to be finished with the womb around 37 to 39 weeks.  6 more weeks, at least, Vin!