Thursday, March 6, 2014

Will I?

Fears and worries, man; they are a part of the parenting process.  You have them with the first kid, second kid, and so on kids, I assume.  I'm having the typical those Will I love them? worries, for old and young.  Silly irrational fears...or are they?  I look at my son, then feel my #2 kick, and find myself wishing that we had remembered that condom!  I wish I could have more mommy and Lycan time together.  More of a family of three time.  Come May or June, we'll have a family of four.  I worry about giving Lycan attention and love and all that.  I get all emotional.  Ugh.

I'm excited about number two, but also fearful.  Since I found out about #2, I was plagued by nightmares.  My subconscious was combining my two worst fears: Zombies and losing my son.  A few weeks ago, I started to examine why I was having these vivid nightmares....when I did that, when I realized why, the nightmares have yet to return.

Overall the dreams are about me being powerless to save my son.  They're about my real fears of not being able to care for him when #2 comes.  They're about me neglecting him.  My sweet little boy.  My whole world.  Fears and thoughts that keep me up at night.  That make me want to subcome to tears when I watch him play.  Like, for real, it's not like he's dying; yet I react because the hormones make me.

It'll be a learning experience for all of us.  Lycan will be happy to have another kid in the house.  Lycan will also get annoyed and rebel, which will be exasperated by the terrible twos.  We'll learn to adjust to two; find out that we have more than enough love for both.  We'll fail in some areas, and thrive in others.  Eventually, we'll get the hang of it.  But until then, I have my annoying what ifs.  Sure, I can read up on advice and others stories of fear sharing and overcoming certain obstacles of two, but damn.  I just want #2 here already.  I want to see how we'll all react and deal and struggle and succeed.  But at the same time, i just want more time with just Lycan.  I don't think that's selfish at all.  I think it's typical and normal.

Not owning a Time Turner, I'm treasuring these moments of just Lycan time.  I'm also treasuring feeling #2 squirming inside.

Then, I get to thinking about breast feeding.  If' we're successful with latching....that's going to affect my bond with Lycan.  Having this new kid attached to the boob all the time.  I don't know that I will actually breast feed.  I think I might just pump.  Especially since I'm a SAHM, I can't have a baby attached to me all the time.  Lycan's still dependent on me.  It's going to be hard enough to muster up the energy for him along, let alone him and #2!  Plus after three months, I'm going to start working again to make ends meet.  I dunno.  Maybe I'm over thinking, or maybe I'm right on track.  Or maybe winter needs to end so we can get outside more often and focus on other things?

Freakin Parent Bootcamp PT.2.  It's late, I have my three hour sugar test in 7 hours AND a prenatal appointment.  I'm going to be at the hospital all freaking day.  Boo.  At least, hubby gets to stay home with baby boy.  I should stop worrying and go to bed.

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