Saturday, March 1, 2014

What? I Just Can't See Things From Your Viewpoint

On facebook, I follow a page called Pregnancy Corner.  They posted a comic of a woman in delivery.  The husband says, "I can get you the epidural if you stop choking me."  It's funny, sorta.  But some of those sensitive woman on that page took such offense to it.  Saying that "we" need to stop these rumors and jokes about birth being so bad and an awful experience!  It's a deeply spiritual, beautiful, and [get this] orgasmic experience!


the physical and emotional sensation experienced at the peak of sexual excitation, usually resulting from stimulation of the sexual organ and usually accompanied in the male by ejaculation.
an instance of experiencing this.
intense or unrestrained excitement.
an instance or occurrence of such excitement.

My first thought was, who the fuck is getting off during delivery?  Who the fuck enjoys painful, natural labor and actually delivering your kid?  The process is fucking awful, but the result is great.  I wouldn't use the term "orgasmic", but exciting, yes.  I use that term to describe damn near sexual experiences like eating certain foods and there being an "orgasm in my mouth", not pushing a watermelon through a hose.

I think a masochist, might enjoy it.

The ripping of flesh, the cutting of skin, the stretching, the agony, the breaking of bone--how is that a deeply profound spiritual experience?  It makes me wonder if this woman was high or just had an easy birth, or maybe she's never had a kid at all!  Or maybe she had a C-Section, I dunno.  Sounds like she's romanticizing it!  My first experience wasn't fun.  At all.  I struggled to push my son out.  I ripped from my vag to my anus, like many.  I had stitches inside and out, like many.  After the epidural wore off, things were good.  I pushed him out, was positively elated, then I become hysterical from losing a lot of blood.

Not that fun; definitely not "orgasmic".  Nor was it deeply spiritual, and I'm a spiritual person.  Being pregnant was.  Have my newborn in my arms was.  But the process of pushing him out?  No.  That sucked donkey balls.

We need to be real about delivery; stop romanticizing and demonizing it!  Just be real!  It can suck for some, and be a beautiful experience for others, I guess.  I don't see how, I'm not into pain, but hey, whatever.  The excitement of it "being time" is amazing.  The end result of holding that beautiful creature in your arms, there, honestly, are no words for how incredible it feels.  But the shit in between?  I've honestly never heard of a woman--that I know--who enjoyed it (natural birth, of course).  Yeah, you can light candles and set the mood, say chants and shit, but I dunno, I mean they're are other ways of having your birthing experience.  But excruciating pain is excruciating pain.  No amount of scented candles, soft lighting, and chanting is gonna make that experience enjoyable for me.  Just let it be over.  Just give me my baby.  Stitch me up and let us bond.

First kid, I had an epidural, twice, until it wore off during pushing--which I'm glad it did--that part was completely natural.  Second kid, I'm going to go as natural as I can.  I withstood hours upon hours of agonizing gall bladder inflammation pain.  It rivaled child birth!  If I can withstand that torture, I think I can withstand natural birth.  We'll see though.

Hey, maybe my second experience will be "profoundly spiritual".  Shit, I'd certainly like to NOT be bleeding to death after I push my son out.

But going back to the "orgasmic" feeling, when I was preggo with my son, I came across a program of a woman who was planning on masturbating during labor, then having her husband get her off during delivery.  What?  That's some weird, fucking fetish--turning the birth of your child into some weird sexual experience.  What doctor would allow that?  I'm pretty sure that would be considered some type of child sexual abuse.

I dunno.  The last thing on my mind is clitoral stimulation, besides, I don't know about yall, but I had a catheter in there,  plus I had a fetal monitor and a contraction monitor up inside my cervix.  Yeah, no, thanks.

There are some strange ass people out there.  As an outsider looking in, yes, fucking weird.  Perhaps it was romantic for you, but it wasn't for me.  I felt like a cyborg being ripped to pieces by a Chest Burster who got turned upside down.  So, no, it's not always this spiritual, beautiful thing.

Stop taking everything so personally, ya over-sensitivity women!  It's was a comic taking a real experience and making it funny and relatable.  And if a lot of women can relate to it, then the artist must be onto something.

***  One of my friends said this about the masturbating while in labor thing, which I had never consider, because of my ignorance:  "It's not exactly getting off, orgasming while experiencing pain blocks the nerves from relaying the pain signals. I thought it was weird too--who would try to pet the kitty while in labor? "


  1. Um. No.

    Hell, I'm a masochist, and I did NOT enjoy giving birth! What I felt after having my kids was profound relief that it was done! I think seeing the baby itself can be spiritual, because then you're all, "Holy shit, I made this little person." But that's about it for me.

    Between writhing around and trying to keep my sense of humor, I wasn't exactly feeling religious or orgasmic. It's different for every woman and people need to remember that. What was an intense experience for me was a hellish one for you. And if someone else got off on giving birth, well, more power to them. But I think they're in the minority. :)

    1. Definitely.

      One of my friends is a masochist, too, and I was talking to her about it. She said the same thing--not enjoyable.

      Like you said, more power to ya! :-D