Thursday, March 6, 2014

I Can Do Something, Instead of Whining

Three hour blood sugar test cancelled on account of morning sickness.  Blah!  Probably best to reschedule, to be honest.  This week I'm taking UTI medication, and I have to take one in the morning and one at night.  If I had waited until after the test, it would've been in the afternoon (and I'm almost done with them, I didn't want to risk messing something up and having to restart!).  So I drank a tiny bit of cold water and took my medication.  Apparently that tiny bit also affects your blood sugar.  That's just stupid.  

Before I fell asleep this morning, I got a bit caught up in watching My 600lbs Life and as an obese woman, I've got to admit, that obese people--myself included--disgust me.  Especially morbidly obese, which, thankfully I'm not, although some doctor might disagree.  Technically an averaged sized woman is considered "clinically obese".  The medical field is ridiculous sometimes.  But as one note pointed out last night, sugar is extremely addicting and hard to kick, or at least lower.  It should honestly be categorized as a drug: it, caffeine, alcohol.  Cutting down on it causes serious withdraws, like irritability and headaches.  It's awful.

To be honest, and this is probably foolish of me, but I don't put a whole lot of stock into diabetes.  Now if you show clear signs, yes.  But for a person like me who's never shown any signs, no.  I think it's fearmongering and a way for the pharmaceutical companies to suck more money out of you.  Concerning pregnancy, it's kind of hard to not ignore the tests.  The doctors are on you about that, and it's more than just you, it's your baby too.  I can be foolish about it, but not while carrying a child.

I dunno.  Though, to be honest, going low-carb again, isn't going to hurt me--I could definitely stand to lose some weight.  I'm up to 310lbs. so far, compared to my second pregnancy, when I was around 295 lbs.  Which when I got pregnant, I was about 295lbs.  I'd like to keep it up after I have Squirms.  Be nice to get down to 245 lbs.  Be nice to be able to ride rollercoasters with my kids when they're old enough.  Be nice to look at myself in the mirror and not see a disgusting person.  Even a pregnant fat person.  

With my first pregnancy, I felt so beautiful.  Probably because I was losing weight like crazy and eating healthier.  This time, I think I'm pretty as long as I don't look in the mirror.  

Watching those shows, I hear myself criticizing their laziness and bad eating habits, when I'm talking about and to myself.  Even for a 300lbs. woman I have no problems getting around.  Yeah, I have joint pain once in a while, but who doesn't?  I could even run if my life or my kid's life depended on it. See, I'm also 6'3.5.  But I've always been a big person, made worse by the mixed signals from my mom: "you're fat" to "here, eat more", then back to "you need liposuction".  

I've been steadily gaining weight each year.  Around the time that my husband proposed to me in December 2009, I was 360lbs.  By the time of our handfasting in October 2010, I was 300lbs.  By the time I got pregnant with Lycan in 2012, I was 315lbs.  After I had him, I was 270lbs.  As I mentioned above, I was 295-98 lbs. when I got pregnant with #2 and I've been loving the carbs and sugars, because I know that I'm going to be forced on a low-carb diet here soon.  Recently, I've been cutting down on the carbs and junk and focusing more on eating healthier again.  

I already know I'm going to have GD and I'm going to be on a low-carb diet.  This time, I really want to take advantage of it and get down to my target weight: 245lbs.  At least.  I want to be healthy, but also happy when I look in the mirror.  And I want to get able to go to amusement parks with my kids and ride with them, instead of watching the stuff.  It's humiliating for those of you who've never been too fat to be strapped into a rollercoaster.  God, I hate how I look; but I know that I can lose the weight.  it's just a matter of something that I've always had trouble with...motivation.

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