Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Differences in Parenting

Here's a post on being a "mean mom":

I don't know about you, but I get so tired of the unsolicited advice and evil eyes, mainly from family.  Some people don't tell their children "no" and sometimes it does work.  However we're all different.  Some kids need a firmer hand (and I'm not talking about spanking).  Some kids don't respond to negativity, nor do they respond to be spoiled.  Parenting's really a journey in trial and error.  Do your thing.

I can't stand those people who have the nerve to tell you that you're wrong.  One of my BIL's never said no to his son.  He was disrespectful.  He didn't care about boundaries because he wasn't taught them.  Then they ran into problems.  With kid number two, they taught her boundaries, and realize that they made a mistake with not doing the same with their son.  At least they're working to fix their mistake.  But he used to tell me that I was wrong for telling his son "no" in my home when he got into stuff or bothered my pets.  They never said anything and I didn't want their child to mess with my stuff or upset my animals!  How your kid behaves in your home is whatever; but you gotta teach em to respect others and their homes!

A couple of people in my family have said that I was wrong for teaching my son boundaries.  "He's too young to understand it" and "you're damaging his self esteem."

Almost 14 months old and he understands "no".  Does he always listen?  No, but he's testing his boundaries; that's what kids do.  I never thought that he would get it, but with consistency, he understood.  Most of the time he avoids or stops when we tell him "no".  If he doesn't, into the crib he goes.

And guess what else?  He's a happy, laughing, smiling child.  He doesn't fear us.

They say, "It's going to effect him when he gets older."

I just laugh.  Like, do none of these people remember how they were brought up?  Now, both of my sides of the family come from broken, abusive homes, so that might not be the best example.  But many of them have raised great adults, who're raising their own kids, using different methods.  They were told "no"; some of them were spanked.  They're fine.

And I really hate the "OMG, THAT'S SO ABUSIVE!  SOMEONE NEEDS TO CALL THE POLICE/CHILD SERVICES ON YOU!"  That over reaction right there tells me that most of those people don't know what abuse is.  Real abuse.  Telling your child "no" (or some of the things mentioned in the article) is not abuse.  Fluffy nonsense.

I come from a broken, abusive home, too--due to my dad.  However, when he wasn't being a total asshole, he did instill in us a level of respect for your elders, stranger danger, and other important things.  When I moved in with my mom, she wasn't emotionally or physically abusive.  She yelled, screamed, and said "no".  She took things away from us, she grounded us.  Made us do chores as punishment and outside of punishment.  She also instilled a lot of good things in us kids, doing things ourselves--how to be independent.  My step brother's dad was one of those "I want to be your friend" type parents.  Whereas my mom is "I'm your parent; it's my way or the highway".  He's always told me that he respected her more because she actually tried to raise him, whereas he had his dad wrapped around his pinkie finger.

I wasn't afraid of my mom, I respected her.  However, with my dad, I was afraid and I hate(d) him. In the case of my step dad, I don't respect him either as a parent (as I grew up, he was pretty divided, "you raise yours, I'll raise mine" sort of mentality).

With my own family now, my children will never know the environment that I knew concerning my dad.  Because of my dad I'm a damaged adult and it's not because he told me "no"; it's because he beat me--because he damaged me psychologically. However I will still teach them things that he taught us--on his good days.  And I'll raised my kids like my mom raised us...for the most part.  I've learned from their mistakes.  My kids will know respect, for others and themselves.  If they don't, they'll hear our disappointment.

A lot of parents who scold others on how they should raise their kids don't seem to realize that many of their parents/guardians told them "no" and yet they turned out fine!

You know, unless a child is actually being physically, emotionally, and psychologically abused, don't tell others how to raise their kids.  If a kid is in that environment, actually try to do something about it instead of just gossiping.  Many family members knew what my brother and I were going through, but they chose to keep it on the down low (because that's how they were raised, which to me isn't an excuse).  I had to help myself to change my situation; but that's a different story.  Bottom line is if it's not your child, shut up.  Give advice when it's wanted, not when you think it's needed (unless there's actually danger).

What works for some, doesn't work for others.

When my kids are older and they can hold a conversation an understand, you know, I want to try that talking it out thing, but I'm also going to tell them "no", and send them to their rooms.  That's not abuse, nor is it neglect.  I know what abuse is, and that's not it.

Just try to be the best parent you can be.  If something doesn't work, don't be afraid to try other methods.  If people don't like your methods, tell em off or ignore them.  Ain't their family, is it?

1 comment:

  1. "Parenting's really a journey in trial and error. Do your thing."

    YES. So much yes!