Monday, January 13, 2014

The Biting Past

Man, I just couldn't sleep to save my damn life last night.  I just kept thinking about my post and my fears, and how selfish my dad is for fucking me up the way he did.  I just can't see that there are good people out there who genuinely care for children, and who won't hurt or neglect them.  At this point, those kinds of care givers are like unicorns.  They're elusive...and nonexistent.

I know that I can't protect my child from everything, nor do I want to shelter him.  We don't spoil him either.  When he needs to be disciplined, we discipline.  He is the light of my heart, but I also have a job to do, and that's raise a smart, humble, mature, gentleman.  It's also my job to keep him safe from harm.

It's just those thoughts of abuse that won't leave me be.  All of the crap I endured when I was younger is coming up and I can't shut it down.  I didn't have anyone to talk to when I was little, so I felt alone and trapped.  I could tell my mom, but she was so afraid of my dad's threats of kidnapping us, that she never reported it to anyone.  My own fears also kept me from telling anyone, like the DARE officer at our school.  I was afraid that they would just make the problem worse!  Like no one would listen to me, which was often the case, combined with a low self esteem, well, you know.  Part of me thought it was normal, because my BFF was verbally abused by her dad.  I just thought, for a while, that it was something that dad's did.  Until I met my step dad, and saw that it wasn't normal.  I still kept things to myself, though.

I'm going to make it a point to tell my kids that if anyone hurts them, be it a kid or an adult, they can tell us, and we'll take care of it so it never happens again.  But as of right now, Lycan's so young that he can't communicate if someone harms him....or drills threats into his head.

I just, I can't stop thinking about the what ifs, it's crippling.  Digging up bad memories and tears.  I thought I was beyond this crap.


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