Tuesday, January 21, 2014


I don't know which is worse, the incontinence or the supreme sensitivity to horrid odors?  An awful symptom to have with a kid who uses a diaper.  Awful, awful.  I've learned to clog my nostrils with toilet paper before each changing, but sometimes that doesn't even work.  Most of the time, I throw up in his diapers, soiled or clean!  Other times, I manage to get to the bathroom or trash can.  Yesterday, I threw up on the floor and just now in my hand.

Yet I always ALWAYS piss myself.

I'm trying out overnight pads now, and so far, they're working out, we'll see.  It's nearly the 11th!  Nearly time for the first doctor's appointment and I can't wait!

You know what I've also learned?  While baby is teething, it's not a good idea to cut him off of his straw cup, cold turkey.  We're going to fill the straw cup with water and the sippy cup with juice and milk.  Make it a process.

So, what's going on with you?


Sunday, January 19, 2014

Sippy Cups and Impatience

Lycan's movin on up!  Today he graduated to a sippy cup.  We went from a bottle to a straw cup.  I tried the sippy cup after the bottle, but it didn't really work, despite that he was putting his head back and even trying drinks from our cups.  I figured he'd be ready for a sippy cup, but wasn't.  Straw cups taught him how to hold on.  Lately, he's been interested more and more in our cups, as well as tossing his head back when drinking from the straw, so we finally got him a different sippy cup.

Today's been a day of teaching him how to tip it back to get his drinks.  Man, when he got the cup, he was walking all around, succeeding and failing, but still kept walking with it.  He'd get frustrated, we'd show him again and again.  He's learning how much is too much, when he throws himself on his butt while drinking.  It's been an interesting day.  It's going to be an interesting couple weeks until he gets it down.  Plus, we still let him drink from our cups when he shows interest.

And....Lycan's moved into the temper tantrum stage.  Yay.  Earlier, I had just warmed up his lunch, and as I was walking away from the kitchen and him, he threw himself down and started screeching!  It was alarming!  But I told him to follow me and walked out.  Crawling, he threw a fit, but finally reached daddy who had a spoonful ready.

Child is impatient concerning food and drink!  Lately, he's just been doing the screaming cries, now he's moved onto stomping his feet and throwing himself down.  I just ignore him, or try, until he calms down.  The way he was acting, one would think we starve the kid.  Jeez.  Makes me want to apologize to my parents and baby sitters for how I must've acted when I was little!

His highs are high, but his lows aren't that low.  He tends to calm himself down quick.  Let's just hope that lasts for the terrible twos, yeah?

So far, that's the only time he has a temper tantrum is when he's hungry or thirsty.  Normally I have his meal all ready for him--I make it while he naps--but can't always do that.  I guess he's always been a demanding little bugger--even in the womb....just like number 2!  I was a demanding kid, too.

Other than his hunger impatience and teething, Lycan's pretty easy kid.  So far.  Sometimes he cries during naptime, but that's mainly because he's thrown out his blankie and binkie.  Plug everything back in, and he falls to sleep right away.

Speaking of binkie, I'm pretty sure this kid has a hidden compartment in his crib somewhere.  Hubby put him down earlier with his clear binkie.  I put him down for nap number two with the blue binkie.  He awoke from his nap and I put the blue binkie in the crib where he wouldn't be able to reach it.  He later came out of his room with the clear binkie in his mouth!  Where the heck was it?  I searched for it!  I asked him where he found it and he just smiled and laughed.

Oh, and I taught him how to say turtle...halfway.  He says "turt", for his Twilight the Turtle nightlight.  He's got Turt and Tat his black cat.  That child just brings me so much joy.


I Think They Forgot...

Sometimes I really think my parents don't remember what it's like having kids.  Or maybe we just drove them to insanity, I dunno.  That's possible, after all, I'm the reason why my uncle doesn't have kids.  I was a terror, really lucked out with number 1.  Hopefully number 2 won't be a mini me.  I got a dose of mini me when I was a teen and had to baby sit my cousin.  She was a brat brat brat brat brat!  Just like I was.  She's not anymore.  Neither of us...I dunno, I still have my bratty moment.  Even at near 30.
Anyway, so yesterday, at 7 am, my step mom sent me a text reminding me about her birthday party later that evening.  Okay.  (As a note, my step mom didn't come into my life until I was 8, so she has some excuse....some.  She also doesn't have kids and doesn't know what it's like being pregnant.  Some excuse.)  Throughout the day I dealt with a whiny, fussy teething 1-year-old and all the fun perks that comes with pregnancy: mood swings, forgetfulness, exhaustion, incontinence, food cravings, etc, etc.  
I think I may have been napping around the time of her birthday party.  Point is, I forgot until this morning, when hubby said that my dad sent a text.  He wanted to know why I didn't come to her party.  It was kind of a bitchy text, too.  I can understand that.  How does a person forget a family members birthday party, after all?  
So I asked him if he forgot what it's like raising young kids.  
That's no excuse.
Oh, really?  I gave him my reasons.  
He recanted and changed his approach from bitchy to "I was just wondering if you were invited."
Okay, dad.  Whatever.  
I run into this kind of stuff with my mom, too.  Of course she's also menopausal and it's not exactly fun to combine a pregnant woman with a menopausal woman.  Lots of clashing.  Lots of hormones.  When I'm around her I'm not allowed to be hormonal, I have to be happy and grateful all the time.  I also should be keeping my son up and teaching him non-stop because kids at his age should already be talking.  He's one.  Her only example of how a kid his age should be speaking is my gifted niece.  Little girl is seriously gifted.  She was speaking in full sentences and understanding them before she was one.  That's what my son has to compete with, concerning grandma.  It's unfair, I know, but that's just how my mom can be.  
Course in my house, he'll get it when he gets it.  When he's ready, he'll talk.  He's already proven that he knows a lot of words and what they are, he just doesn't say them as often.  Instead he chooses to say "cat", "apple", "dada", "mama", "up", and so on.  We work with him, but I also want learning to be fun.  No pressure.  Plus when he's two, I want to try ABCmouse.  Kids' got some years to learn what he needs to learn.  But he also needs his naps!
Nap time is a godsend, especially at this stage, for both my son and my womb.  She doesn't seem to understand that.  Plus, Lycan's going through a growth spurt and needs his naps.  Otherwise he's fussy.  He maybe perfect with grams, but only because she spoils him.  
Yeah, the grandparents are an interesting bunch.  I think their memories are going.  Maybe they're a tad senile?  I'm sure this is something that many novice and veteran parents have to deal with: how the grandparents would do it....because they don't remember what it's like actually raising kids.  :-)

Saturday, January 18, 2014

Fulfilling My Womb Service Duties

Another late-ish night of the cravings.  So far I've been craving and/or eating:

  • Gummi Anything
  • Crab Legs
  • King Crab
  • Bread and Butter Pickles (especially on a nuked bologna sandwich with a bit of mustard)
  • Raman Noodles
  • Oranges
  • Simply Orange Juice
  • Orange Sorbet
  • Chocolate Ice Cream in waffle cones
  • Mac n Cheese (with whole milk and I hate whole milk!)
  • Soda (normally I'm not a soda drinker!)
  • Bananas
  • 2% Milk
  • Glass Noodles
  • Sun-Dried Tomato flavored crackers/chips
There've been a few other things, can't think of them right now as my tummy is focused on the chicken ramen that I have cooking on the stove.  

It's funny because last year, I craved green beans, carrots, pasta, and breads, and I ate super healthy.  This year, my body is like, "Let's eat all the junk before they diagnose you with GD again!  Om nom nom nom nom!"  Oh, man, I also drank a ton of water everyday, too.  I didn't take in as much milk because I'm slightly lactose intolerant, but this year I'm a milk-a-holic!  Same with bananas, normally, I can't eat a whole banana because it makes my stomach upset.  Not a problem now.  Although since I got my gall bladder removed, I haven't really had a problem with milk, bananas, or peanuts.  

But with my molar breaking apart, I've been taking in a lot of calcium.  A lot of milk and oj.  At night, I consume 6-8 glasses of water.  

Although it's the same for both pregnancies that I can't handle onions.  Normally, I don't have a problem with them.  

Another craving that I've been having, non-food related, is baths.  I've been taking a lot of showers and baths.  I know soon I won't be able to soak in a tub, so I'm taking it all in now!  I just want to be in the water.  Sometimes I don't even wash, I just rinse and soak.  

My mind keeps thinking about the women who give birth in tubs of water.  Not my cuppa.  Sometimes I think about giving it a try, but then I think about when I lost all of that blood.  I think that being in a tub would just make it worse, yeah?  I dunno.  Wouldn't risk it.  

But this time I'm having a lot of hip pain, so the hot baths are very welcomed.  I'm going to be sad when I can't bath anymore during this pregnancy!

Raman is done, I'm gonna eat now.  Just like to add, that I'll never get tired of feeling a baby move in my womb.  It's a wonderful feeling!  I missed it.  

Oh, and as for the job, haven't heard anything back yet....


Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Suck It Up, Buttercup

So I've got my first doctor's appointment on Tuesday, February 11th at 8 am at Riverside Hospital.  I'll be around 23 weeks, give or take.  Yeah, didn't think that one through.  I kept on waiting and waiting until we had, for sure, insurance before I made the appointment, when I should've just bit the bullet and made it last month, like I was going to do, anyway.

Good news is, hubby is in the process of becoming full time, or so says his boss, which means we oughta have insurance by the time I go in for this appointment.

I wish I had made the appointment sooner.  1) to know what the heck is going on in there (fetus is kicking right now), 2) this week I probably could've learned the gender, and 3) Um, I can't remember, I got caught up on the squi--Oh,  and 3) to see if the doctor can help me with my horrid inability to control my bladder!  Bladder wise, this sucks.  I nearly have 0 control here.  Pads aren't working, I sit and sleep with towels under me, kegel exercises ain't helping.  I need diapers, I guess.  I just hope that I don't pee myself tomorrow during my interview.  Or before.

Also tomorrow is Lycan's 1 year appointment.  Get to see how big he's got; kid is huge, tall, not fat.  Although he's heavier than most of his cousins.

And I've, of course, been thinking about what to do with the kid if I get this job.  I think I might go for a day cares, after I perform the necessary research.  Overall, they're safer than a baby sitter, some have camera now-a-days, are trained in CPR, have the necessary education in early childhood development (or should anyway), and I'll be able to afford it.  But last night I got to thinking how much my mornings are going to be complicated.  I'm going to have to get up around 6 am, get ready, get Lycan up, fed, dressed, then take him to where ever the daycare is going to be.  LEAVE him there.  Gonna make me cry.  Leaving my baby in some strangers care.  Then get to work by 9 am (actually, I prefer to get there 20 minutes before).  Holy crap. Then pick him up after 5 pm.

I hate complications.

Well, most parents have to do it.


Monday, January 13, 2014

The Biting Past

Man, I just couldn't sleep to save my damn life last night.  I just kept thinking about my post and my fears, and how selfish my dad is for fucking me up the way he did.  I just can't see that there are good people out there who genuinely care for children, and who won't hurt or neglect them.  At this point, those kinds of care givers are like unicorns.  They're elusive...and nonexistent.

I know that I can't protect my child from everything, nor do I want to shelter him.  We don't spoil him either.  When he needs to be disciplined, we discipline.  He is the light of my heart, but I also have a job to do, and that's raise a smart, humble, mature, gentleman.  It's also my job to keep him safe from harm.

It's just those thoughts of abuse that won't leave me be.  All of the crap I endured when I was younger is coming up and I can't shut it down.  I didn't have anyone to talk to when I was little, so I felt alone and trapped.  I could tell my mom, but she was so afraid of my dad's threats of kidnapping us, that she never reported it to anyone.  My own fears also kept me from telling anyone, like the DARE officer at our school.  I was afraid that they would just make the problem worse!  Like no one would listen to me, which was often the case, combined with a low self esteem, well, you know.  Part of me thought it was normal, because my BFF was verbally abused by her dad.  I just thought, for a while, that it was something that dad's did.  Until I met my step dad, and saw that it wasn't normal.  I still kept things to myself, though.

I'm going to make it a point to tell my kids that if anyone hurts them, be it a kid or an adult, they can tell us, and we'll take care of it so it never happens again.  But as of right now, Lycan's so young that he can't communicate if someone harms him....or drills threats into his head.

I just, I can't stop thinking about the what ifs, it's crippling.  Digging up bad memories and tears.  I thought I was beyond this crap.


Day Cares and Sitter Worries

I've got a job interview on Wednesday at Nationwide.  It'll be low impact physically....unfortunately, if I get the job, I'll be on my butt most of the day.  Zero exercise, despite that I'm obese, I hate those kinds of jobs.  I like to be active, but being preggers, it works for now.  With prospects of a possible job comes the important questions of who's gonna watch the kid?

Yes, tis that time already.  Day cares and Baby Sitters.

I'm not a fan of daycares.  Kids get sick often and my brother was abused when he was little, hence why I never attended one.  One of my friends works in one a little ways from here, and she gave me good pointers:

  • Do your research into the centers. There is a site you can go to to look up satisfaction ratings on the centers. 
  • Look on facebook many centers now have them. 
  • Tell them about your concerns. I have had parents do that to me and it helps me to understand why they may seem overbearing . 
  • Communication is key. 
  • Once an if you decide on a center. Be vocal. If you have concerns voice them. The more they know that you will not put up with anything the less likely you are to have major issues.
  • If you go with a daycare ask to come in and observe during the day. Bring him in to play an see how he interacts with the kids and also how the teacher interacts with the kids. 
  • Ask a lot of questions. 
  • Tell them all about his personality and see how they react to that. 
  • I hate to say this but test them. If they do not flinch they have experience and most likely know their stuff . Ask how long they have been at the center, in that class , and what the average turnover is for their teachers.
  • If you go with a daycare there is something called title xx . They would adjust the rate you pay based on your income.
There are a lot of questionable people in this world, and people who go into early childhood development who have no business being there.  From the lazy to the angry, and I don't want my child to run into that.  If I was fine with that, he'd be spending more time at my dad's.

However, it would be a good experience for Lycan concerning social interactions with other kids his age.  Lycan loves other kids.  He's so curious and playful.  He wants to learn, learn, learn, and interact, and play!  Like any parent, I'm nervous.  My baby's a good boy, overall.  I just keep thinking about the what ifs.  What if he's hit by other kids and they're not disciplined?  What if he picks it up and tries to do that to his younger siblings (well, obviously, I'll deal with it).  What if the "teachers" hit him?

Ha.  Ha.  Yeah, there will be hell to pay if my child comes home with red marks and bruises, or is traumatized in any way.  Our home is a happy home.  My son is so cheerful, I'd hate to have some fucking stranger harm him and take away that light.  I didn't grow up in a happy home, not until I was 11, when I moved in with my mom.  He will not experience that same environment, Gods help me.

We probably won't spank.  My husband wasn't spanked and I was beaten by my dad.  I don't want to run the risk of losing it and beating my child.  So, no spankings in this household.  And I really hate that argument of, if they don't leave bruises, it's okay.  Um, no, because my dad could beat the fucking shit out of us and not leave a mark.  So bullshit invalid point.  Spanking is fine when done for the right reasons and right temperament.  But there are lines when it's not okay.  There's a time and a place for it.  But there's not a place for it in my home.

Day cares aside, we went onto Care.com to find a baby sitter.  After doing the math, it was going to be $400 a week.  A fucking week.  I get people need to make a living themselves, but holy crap.  What's the point of me working, if my checks are going right into their pockets?  I might as well just stay home!  Care.com is not for poor families.

My SIL suggested another site, that we've yet to check out, called sittercity.

My brain is racked with this sitter business and my stomach is up in knots with nerves concerning my interview and the what ifs.  I need this job, but I need to know that my son is going to be happy and healthy in someone else's care.  I really wish I knew someone who was reliable and able.  This really bites.  Shame this isn't a second shift job because then we wouldn't have to worry.

Even if I invited someone into my home, I still have the same worries, only intensified.  It's private, what if they beat or molest my child (remember, I didn't have a happy childhood, so these kinds of fears are on my mind, which I actually think is smart, you should be concerned; but unfortunately, they can make you paranoid and untrusting).  I also worry about thieves.  Will they steal from us?  Or will they see our Pagan and Witch symbols and think ill, maybe even report us as "devil worshipers" to child services?  Shit does happen and I think it's important to consider!  The world can be a fucked up place!

Hubby told me not to worry about it, "Lycan will be taken care of".  Just focus on getting this job.  Easy for him to say.  I just want to find someone we know, can trust, and who has experience with young children.  Is that too much to ask for?

Being abused as a kid can really fuck a parent up.  At least, I'm not in that statistic of repeating the cycle. I just can't sleep right now, because I can't stop worrying about this effin problem.  It was bound to happen.


Saturday, January 11, 2014

Quickie Check-In

Should probably mention that Lycan started walking a bit here and there on Christmas and the day after, then didn't walk at all until this week (Jan 6) and he's been walking like crazy, multi-tasking, and trying to run, too.

Today I also bought Lycan some wooden blocks from Playskool.  I wish I could've found plastic or cloth blocks, because these are rough to the touch with sharp edges.  I still want to make him some Pagan themed blocks, which are well sanded, corners rounded, and sealed.  These are not sealed.  However they did come with a nifty bag.  But yeah....sharp and rough.  He seems to like em though.

Aside from their texture, they're colorful, with upper and lower case letters, woodburned pictures of numbers, animals, +, -, =, and a door, bricks, 40 blocks, etc.  Pretty nifty.  Here's a customer review with pictures and play.

Last weekend, the fetus--ranging 18-19 weeks-ish--kept me awake just a kicking and squirming.  It was great, even though I was needing the sleep.  This evening, they gave me quite the kick.

Over all, I've only gained 7 lbs, despite the junk I've been eating, so not too bad.  I thought I was gaining a ton due to my diet.  With my son, I ate super healthy.  With this one....eh, not super duper, though I'm getting better.

Speaking of the squirms....


From my Wordpress, Scorched Ice:

Well, like many pregnant moms, I wish to skip the rest of this pregnancy and just get to the day already.  D-Day: Delivery.  Full term.  And not just delivery.  I want that kid to already be in my arms, happy, healthy, taking in the world for the first time.  And for me to not be passing out from blood loss (the first time, they had a hard time getting my uterus to clamp down and I loss more than I should of.  I was the first one to hold my son, but don't remember it).
With my son, I encountered complications that I'd rather not go through again, but probably will, like gestational diabetes.  Being an obese woman with GD, some people in the medical profession tend to treat ya like....well, like crap.  Or they stigmatize ya with other fat diabetic people.  Apparently, many of them are lazy and just want that insulin.  Or so was the impression I got from how the good doctors at Mount Caramel treated me.  Not all of them, two of them were really great and supportive, like many of the nurses there.  
Some were genuine and happy with my progress.  But most of them weren't.  If I went a few points over where my blood sugar was supposed to be, I was a horrible, stupid, selfish person.  And the chances of me having a stillborn went up and up and up and up each visit.  Which is just wonderful to tell a woman who's already suffered a miscarriage.  Let me tell ya.  
I worked my ass off to make sure I ate healthy and took care of myself for my son.  They didn't care.  I was a fat bitch who had the audacity to want a child.  How dare I.  I was treated like shit by most of those doctors and one nurse, because I was/am obese.  And that fucking nurse couldn't even talk, bitch was fatter than me!  Even though I was losing weight, I was still an awful person.  
I cried every fucking day because I was terrified of losing my son because Mount Caramel drove it into my head that I was going to have a stillborn.  No matter what I did, my baby was going to die, and that was my fault.  Shit, I didn't even want to visualize his future (like him in his crib, in his swing, playing with toys) because I didn't want to get my hopes up.  What kind of fucked up shit is that?  A pregnant mom is supposed to have those thoughts!  Nope, not if you're fat.  Nope, they've gotta stress you out, despite that you're already high risk, and stress is the last thing that should be on your mind.
Man, even during my bi-weekly stress tests, every time I was hooked up to the monitors, I feared--every fucking appointment--I feared that, despite I could feel him moments before--that he wasn't going to move.  That he was going to be dead.  Every fucking time. (Btw, the stress test and ultrasound technicians were great, they really were.)
When it came time to push him out, I was sobbing because despite that I could hear his heartbeat, I was terrified that he was going to come out dead.  And that was their fault.  Because they chose to stereotype me.
This time, fuck Mount Caramel West (Columbus, Ohio); I'm going to a different hospital, and I'm going to have health insurance.  I had better have a better experience, even if I do have GD again.  Other wise, heads are going to fucking roll.
I just want to skip pass all of that and have it be June whenever-this-one-decides-it's-time.  For me to be holding her/him in my arms, happy and healthy.  Who knows, maybe Riverside Hospital will be different?  Maybe I'll actually enjoy this pregnancy?  Between the ungodly incontinence and morning sickness, something's gotta give, right?