On one hand, I'm really glad that my fetus is getting the nutrients they need to become healthy and happy. On the other, my teeth are missing the calcium. I lost more of my molar tonight while eating chicken. I just hope that I still have most of this tooth by the time this kid is born so I can go to the dentist and get much needed treatment. Clearly being pregnant, there's not a whole lot they can do. I can't get an x-ray, nor can I or will I take any prescribe pain meds/numbing agents.
Sigh. I guess it's time for me to take some calcium supplements, because a glass of milk a day ain't cutting it. Any suggestions?
Yesterday marked Lycan's first year! And I have a new appreciation for my parents and all of the birthday parties they threw me! Planning can be rather exhausting. We busted out the kinks, got one party, TMNT themed, on the 28th, at my step dad's martial arts school. Although those who said they'd come didn't, without reason or notice, well, the important people were there--the cool kids--and, yes, it was slow, but Lycan enjoyed himself. So did we.
Special thanks (although they'll never see it here) goes to everyone who came, and an even specialier thanks goes to my mom, step dad, step mom, and family friend for helping us make it all come together. <3
This just in, my baby's walking tonight! What a wonderful gift!
Speaking of which, Wolfman cleaned up this Yule and Christmas, and still has his birthday to look forward to come Saturday! We already have so many toys, that I don't know what to do with them all! Tomorrow, we're throwing out our couch (that has a huge gaping hole that swallows up cushions and Gods know what else!) and going through a lot of stuff to see what to donate....including the toys!
I know with another on the way, I will keep some of them, but there were some we had that Lycan didn't bother with, so I'll donate those. When we get a toy box, I'll start rotating toys, too, to help with clutter and so he doesn't get bored with what he has.
I'm kind of hoping that we get more clothes than toys on Saturday. Is it too late to ask?
Man, I see much cleaning in my future over the next few days....cleaning, playing, editing photos, adding to his shutterfly photo book, and then decorating for his Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle party.
In reflection, I enjoyed watching Lycan open up (what he did open) and play with his bounty, more than I cared for my own gifts. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful, but watching his eyes light up and those gears in his brain tick tock ticking....that was magical.
As my husband just said, this time last year, we were sitting at his mom's, me heavily pregnant and him not wanting to go into work. When we got home, we talked and he called in to spend time with me instead. Then early on the 28th, my water broke. 18 hours later, at 7:10 pm, our son was born. Now, a year later, we're sitting here at home, Lycan asleep, me pregnant again, surrounded by and tripping on baby toys, looking forward to celebrating our son's birthday in 3 days. My, how things can change in a year!
This one seemed so realistic that I was convinced that at one time I actually had two deceased male cousins! In the beginning of the dream these brothers had different names and were already deceased. But then I did a flash back of sorts and saw their lives just before they died.
They were Tucker and Philippe. Both handsome hikers. One was a bow hunter, with a badass hand-crafted bow that someone I knew wanted to examine. After his death, some family and I went exploring the woods, looking for it. It was a long and dangerous trek, involving things from past dreams.
My son woke up me coughing, and I seriously had to lay there trying to pick through truth from dreamscape. I really don't have two deceased male cousins, but man, did it sure feel like it!
Last week, I had another doozy of a dream. In it, my husband said that he'd was in love with one of his male friends, some successful dude named Alex. I was crushed, but wanted him to be happy. We divorced and got joint custody. Everything in his life worked out. He went back to school, got his degree, started paying off his debts, moved into a dream house. Everything. Essentially, all of my dreams.
Meanwhile, I had to file for bankruptcy, live in a tiny one room apartment, working 2 minimum wage jobs, struggled from paycheck to paycheck, ended up losing custody of the kids, and was single. I was literally stuck, I couldn't go back to school, I was just trying to survive and pay off my student loans, as well as bills. I ended up losing lots of weight due to being depressed and stressed. I was happy for my ex, but resented his happiness at the same time.
Yet despite my sad existence in this particular dreamscape, I woke up serene. Normally, those times of dreams have different effects, yes? But I was still happy for my ex husband. I've been wanting to tell him about it, but the last time I told him about one of those dreams (in such a, he left me for someone else, his dreams came true, and he used my depression in order to gain custody of the kids, leaving me broken and in a hospital after a failed suicide attempt), I started balling and just walked away.
On Yule I had, yet, another vivid, detailed dream. I was at my dad's after a snow storm. Out in the yard, were two nesting families of Blue Jays, both with very young and hungry chicks. I was worried about them because of my dad's beagle. I wanted to help them, to coax them into moving to safer ground, but I was also fearful because Blue Jays are protective birds.
I don't remember what had happened, but one of the nest's didn't make it, but the other blossomed, and I got the feeling that they were going to be fine, no matter what happened...and I woke up before I could see what had happened. Once again, due to my son. No conclusion for mama. I remember the Jays being large and brightly blue! The blue of the feathers was very significant.
I've had contact with Blue Jays before, in dream and as Messengers. I really think that it might be in response to my worry and all of these dreams of abandonment, family, and drowning I've been having lately. Course, it could also just be hormones.
"Blue Jay is highly adaptive and will teach knowledge of survival in this world and in others. He will guide in the proper use of power to utilize abilities to their fullest potential. Blue Jay will aid in this discovery and developing personal power, awareness and higher knowledge. Blue Jay helps balance the earthy realm with Spiritual, teaches courage and tenacity along with ingenuity and resourcefulness. "
As I sit here eating Christmas themed cookies, I can't help but feel this overwhelming weight on my shoulders. Between bad choices and shitty economy, once again, we're barely floating. Facing yet another eviction and the possibility of moving back in with my dad.
He and I don't get along. At all. Too much bad blood. For a while, I was determined to not allow him to see my children because he's violent, controlling, verbally abusive, and very selfish. He doesn't believe in second-hand-smoke, and will smoke regardless of children or pregnant women, such as myself. And he smokes in bed and has, more than once, fallen asleep with a lit cigarette and set something on fire, and yet continues to do so! I honestly blame my first miscarriage on living there. The house is so full of negativity, the fae just feed off of it, that energy is infectious. Anger, fear, rage, violence, sadness.
I don't allow my child to be alone with him because he is legit crazy (paranoid schizo) and is so unpredictable and abusive! He's already flown off the handle in front of my son and I pounced like a fucking crazed She-Wolf protecting my young! I do not trust him around my bab(ies). I don't. Neither does my brother concerning his daughter. Listen, we were abused. I refuse to allow the same thing to happen to my son. I will probably kill my dad if he ever lays a hand on my son.
I don't want my son to be in that environment, and I'm terrified that if we move in again, I'll lose this baby, too.
Some people would say, be grateful you have someone to take you in. Even if they're physically and mental abusive? A danger to everyone around them and themselves? I should be grateful for that? What's some trauma as long as you have a roof over your head, right?
I'm terrified that he might be our only option. I don't know what else to do. We can't get government aid. Husband's wages are being garnished. I'm still having bad morning sickness. I don't know.
Tonight, I tried my hand at making my son Sensory Bottles, as inspired by Pink Pistachio.
Left to Right, here be my bottles:
Pipe cleaners, wooden stakes, and rice - trying to create one of those calming bottles that are supposed to sound like rain. Close, but no cigar.
Another type of calming bottle, using water and glitter. Now, I didn't know that water does funny things to glitter, like separate it or make it clump together, but now I do. I've done the research afterwards to learn that some people use glue or glitter gel, as well as corn starch. However, as long as it works, right. My next try I'll use ultra fine glitter and gel! Ya live and ya learn!
Pom poms and water. Wish I hadn't used as many larger poms, but read #2's last line.
Just buttons. Haven't decided if I want to put water in it yet, but if I do, I may add ribbons, too.
Tomorrow, I'm going to seal the bottles with a hot glue gun, then present them to my son in different ways, like hiding them in his favorite containers, or making treasure baskets with other items. But my husband had the idea of making Sensory Bottles for our nieces and nephews this holiday, I may....depending on how the trial run goes.
In what ways do you enrich your baby/child's life?
Something's been on my mind for a while, and at first I wasn't going to write about it, but then I got to looking through some old Yule pictures and I got all nostalgic and inspired.
From 2011 to 2013, I've been pregnant. First was a miscarriage; 2012, my son was born; and 2013 I'm pregnant again (the little one to be due in 2014). My practice has taken a hit, obviously kids can be rather interrupting of many things, and so can pregnancy. Before we were even trying for kids, I was very routine with meditating, journeying, cleansing, chakra work, and just everything having to do with spirituality and witchcraft. I was growing into a strong Witch, my relationship with the Spirits was well connected. It was great.
But being pregnant has left me exhausted and unpredictable. Unpredictable in who knows when I'm going to gag, fart, pee, sniss, discomfort, and so on. Distractions, right? Not reliable when it comes to meditation! Jackolope came to me a few weeks ago as a new Spirit Animal, one to help me with the Hedge work, and I was determine to meditate and meet with him, but my body had other ideas. Growing a human.
Not to mention, having a child is, in itself, an unpredictable distraction! Who knows when they'll make a loud noise or come knocking on the door?
It's just too much, too much.
As a Kitchen Witch, I still perform food and drink magiks, but those are quick and require little energy. My bedroom use to be my sanctuary, but now it's the kitchen. It's where my working altar is and where I've surrounded myself with gifts dedicated to Hestia. It's the room that seems to be untouched by strange or negative energies.
I still perform cleansing rituals and things of that nature, they still keep me grounded and well connected. They're simple. The simple act of picking up toys or straightening up rooms, doing dishes, washing clothes, it's all spiritual for me. Even if I'm groaning about my husband doing things that I can't understand, like tossing clothes BESIDE the laundry basket or not using the high chair despite that it's an easier and safer way to feed our son. Some men confuse me.
I just don't do the things that I used to do, like keep up on my seasonal shrines and decorate the house. I maintain my Hestia shrine and give offerings to the Spirits, but that's about it. Ritual, higher spells, journeying, chakra work....not so much. Back basic wards, cleaning/cooking magiks, etc, those are what I do keep up on. My priorities have changed.
I'm still growing as a strong Witch, just not in the direction I originally thought. Life's funny like that.
It's kind of funny how a person's practice can change unintentionally...evolving in another direction that you weren't anticipating How the magik and ritual of a parent can be different than someone without kids, and later even different than someone who's children have left the nest. It's interesting to me, even if I can't put it into coherent thoughts right now.
But here's a visual look back at some of my Yule decorations....decorations that I'll eventually get back into the swing of things, especially when the kids are old enough to understand not to touch something, or when I have the means to put them in unreachable places.
Kids definitely force you to look and plan things out differently. I know that many Witches lose themselves in child-rearing, they become completely disconnected and depressed. I'm glad that I'm not one of them...that I've been able to see the magik in everyday life as a house wife and mom. No, things aren't the same, but after a while, the same old becomes just that, old. I'm still growing, just in a different way, along a different path.
My mom's menopausal and I'm pregnant. Plus we're both Aries. Normally we get along fine, except recently. We're both really hormonal and for some reason she can't accept that I'm really emotional right now. I literally cannot have any other emotion except happiness. If I so much as show anything else, especially anger, she flies off the handle and acts like a damn child.
She just called telling me that I have to change the date of my son's birthday party because of money issues. I'm not expecting gifts, just come and have fun. That's all that I want. I understand that people have invested their money in their families and in Christmas. I get that! I'm not expecting gifts! I'm stubborn as hell. I want his birthday celebrated on the day he was born, but she's fighting me. She wants his party to be in January or even February. The fuck? No. He was born in December.
This sucks. Of course I get mad, and then she says that I'm being ungrateful and that I don't understand what's going on, because apparently I'm just that stupid. No, I'm not, I'm emotional and needed to get off the phone and talk later. I told her that and she didn't listen. She wanted to talk so I yelled at her and she hung up on me. The phone's off. I'm just, I'm fucking done with her right now. I need time to process and calm down, but she doesn't fucking get it.
I'm this close to just cancelling it. This is too much right now. Just fuck everyone and do something with just the three of us. Or maybe....have a birthday for him at my dad's on the 28th, then let mom do whatever the fuck she wants some other date.
Yeah, that would've been a great idea, having it at my dad's house, except now my husband isn't satisfied with the location. The fuck? I'm beyond frustrated. Heads are about to roll, and one of them is named Dave. I'm about to put my damn foot down. I'm stubborn, right? I carried the kid for 37 weeks, experienced shitty complications, went through 18 hours of labor. I gave birth to him. I get to decide when and where his party is. End. Of. Discussion.