Thursday, May 23, 2013

What's Best Isn't Always What's Wanted

Sometimes the best thing for a person is letting go.

My grandma was admitted to the hospital yesterday for water in her lungs.  She didn't make a big deal out of it, but that's typical Hester.  Her kids did, however, especially one of my aunts, who's a retired nurse, and knew the possible problems--the complications, especially concerning her age.

This morning, she had surgery to drain her lungs and the complications did come.  My mom was there for her during the day, and told me that she honestly thought grandma was going to die.  I didn't know that until later, after waking from my nap.

When I first heard, I was a tad worried, like my mom, aunts, and uncles.  Like any normal person.  Then later when I heard how she was doing now, I got emotional.  Emotional for my mom and family, and emotional for myself, due to our relationship.  I kept playing scenarios in my head, preparing myself for anything.  Being at home or at work (which I didn't go to tonight). 

Before our handfasting, it was pretty good.  I used to go down to West Virginia to visit her family and she was excited to show me her family's land and share stories of where she grew up.  It was fun.  Then things changed in the planning for our handfasting; she realizing that I am a Pagan (Nope, not a phase!) and that I'm just as stubborn as she is, if not more (she's a Pisces on the Aries cusp, and I'm a full blown Aries).  Yeah, she gave me her wedding rings, but only because I was the last resort.  I still cherish them though--I'm not resentful at all.  I mean, she could've not given them to me.  Then she gave me her father's ring, something that meant a lot to her--rumors being that she only did because the ring fit my fingers.  Regardless, it meant a lot to both of us--she really loved her father and I'm proud to wear his ring, especially since I didn't get to know him when he was alive.

However, as the handfasting got closer, she became more controlling, and we butt heads a lot.  So much that when it came the day of our wedding, she was bitching about everything.  She intentionally did things to hurt me, like have her kids and my mom, sit in the back of the room, despite that there was a table reserved up front.  It was embarrassing and hurtful, especially since none of them had the balls to stand up to her.  That's why she didn't care for me, because when she said, "Jump," I didn't.  I actually stood up to her.  Then at the end of the night she tried to ruin my special day by saying, "Now all I need is a better granddaughter."   I just shrugged it off and said that she always had my younger cousin.  "That's true."

Since that day, I remained polite, even when she refused to talk to me.  Or even look at me.  ...Eventually, I just ignored her altogether.  She loved my son, but wouldn't acknowledge me, as awkward as that would be to most people, but as long as my son was happy, I was happy, even if we weren't talking to each other.  It was more important to me that my son meets her great grandmother, even if he doesn't remember her.  Some of my most cherished memories are of my great grandmother--only regrets being that I don't have any pictures of us together (whereas I made sure that Lycan would have pictures of them together).

Honestly, I figured that if she really didn't like me, she would've asked for her rings back, especially her fathers, right?

Earlier today, on her death bed, as my mom believed, she was sentimental.  Asking lots of questions about my son, if he still looked like my uncle, and if we nicknamed him "Lil'Gunnie" (after my uncle).  Mom thought it was weird, since grandma's not the type, but I told her that sometimes these experiences really show a person what's important.  Family, friends, and love, not petty cruelty.

Mom doesn't know that she'll pull through, despite being "a tough old stubborn bat" as my husband called her.  But honestly, I want what's best, what's healthy for her.  What's the most painless.  Even if that means letting her go.

I was feeling guilty, because in the past I'd lit healing candles for strangers, like those of the Boston Marathon, but I hadn't done so for my own blood.  I don't have the energy, I'm so drained and emotionally exhausted, all within a couple of hours.  I am sending healing energies to her, just not through a candle, which is one of the reasons why I'm exhausted.  The candle allows me to focus, I can put some of my energy into it, turning it into a tool, a power source.  Leave the candle lit while I can ground my energy and go about my day, but now family's over, and I'm just not able to.

Healing can come in different ways, from emotional to physical.  Doing what's best.  Which, as I told my mom, isn't always the outcome that people would prefer.  That being grandma pulling through and going home--well, to my mom's house now (as grandma's realized that it's best to no longer live alone or in a nursing home).  I just want what's best for her, even if that means letting go.  Letting her pass.  Leave her body and continue onto her next life, be it her heaven, the Spirit World, or watching over family in the physical plane. 

Even if she doesn't go tonight this week, maybe this experience will...I dunno, open her up to ending this petty, passive quarrel between us?  I've never been the one with the problem, I just got tired of trying, being polite in vain.  An experience that we can both learn something from.  Even if her body's not strong enough to keep her Spirit grounded. 

Family's about to leave and I'm about to get started on that Healing Candle Spell, ground that energy, and all that.  Goodnight.


~)O(~

Saturday, May 18, 2013

A Fairy Hunt

As a bottle lover, I bought a decorative rack of three bottles this morning.  And two waterproof LED lights.  I'm pretty excited.  Now the lights are too large for the bottles, but I've got others.  I've also got multi-colored glass beads and those water orb things, one generally uses for plants.

For the rack of bottles, I might make bottle shrines to Hecate, Hestia, and Hera...or to Mother Earth, Father Sun, and Sister Moon....haven't decided. 

As for the lights, I think I'm going to experiment with them, the beads, the orbs, and some water, and see what neat designs I can come up with.  Use it for ritual, an esbat, or maybe even a tribute to the Spirits or something.  I can feel those creative juices churning with a wave of Beluga's tail.

Tomorrow, I may purchase some LED lights on a string for a Fairy Lights (non pinter picture) idea.  Which gave me an idea for later when Lycan and future siblings are older (partially inspired from the light jars). A favorite summer past time for me is catching lightning bugs as the sun goes down with my friends.  So I was thinking about doing something like an Egg Hunt, especially on days that are rainy, cold, or if it's winter (might be a fun activity for Yule/Winter Solstice or the Summer Solstice; although can be done inside or out).

A Fairy Hunt!  Giving each kid a plastic jar with a lid so the fairy's can't get out.  Hiding individual LED lights around the house/yard--lit--so they can capture and collect them.  Then they'll have their own fairy jars. 

I guess one could just use the lights themselves, or if they're crafty, make fairy bodies and place the LED lights inside. 

Good idea, right?  Although the lights would just be sitting at the bottom of the jars, even the waterproof kind.  I guess one could decorate the jars with cotton, netting, or moss.  ...or just make a Fairy Lights Jar for their child.....and one would test to make sure the jar doesn't get too hot due to all of the lights, as I know some Christmas strings can get warm.  Especially if you use a plastic jar.  I just figured that a plastic jar would be safer for kids to use. 

Make a Fairy Light Jar - That Actually Works
Making Glow Jars

~)O(~

Saturday, May 11, 2013

Alliteration, Our New Friend

Found a solution.  Sleeping when he sleeps is a suckish idea because he power naps, sleeping for 10-20 minutes.  When I sleep, I wanna for more than a couple minutes, right?  So...instead of going to bed when I get off of work, I just stay awake until hubby gets home.  Got some coffee now, so hopefully I'll last longer than noon.  Seriously cuts into my sleep time, but I'm actually in a better mood.  Less prone to yell, curse, and throw things.  I just have to stay active to keep going, like at work.  So, we'll see how well that goes and how long it lasts!

We thought he had a tooth, turns out it was just a pearl, or a cyst, that many infants get.  Kid's still teething like crazy, only it seems worse, so....hopefully that's a good sign? 

But one thing we're sure of is that he's rolling from back to front now!  Just started that yesterday.  The first time, he did it, though, was on my shift (home).  He woke me up crying, as I made his bottle, his cries got muffled.  I thought he just had the blanket over his face.  But when I went into his room, he was face down, screaming in the corner.  I thought it was just a rage thing.  Flipped during his throws of hunger.  But then it kept doing it later for daddy, who was so excited to show me Lycan's new "trick".  Sadly, in my sleepiness I had just treated it like, "Yeah, seen it earlier."  But it's a big milestone for him, as he's been trying and trying since month 2!

Now he's wrestling with crawling; he's got all of the pieces....just not how they go together yet....  Daddy's sure he'll be crawling by the end of the month.

Just means no more extended unsupervised couch or bed time!  Soon it'll also mean having to vacuum and keeping the floor cleaner more often, too!  Not that the floor's super dirty, it's actually a lot better since we got rid of Bear, but still.  Little things that baby can and will put into his mouth will need to be picked up more often.  I really really don't my him to taste ferret bedding!

Although since working, I just haven't had the energy to clean.  Ugh.  Still.  Last week, on our days off, we tried cleaning.  Mostly him doing the dishes, laundry, and trash and taking care of the baby while I slept, it was something.  I plan on making healthy smoothie popsicles later, so hopefully that'll motivate me to clean the kitchen a little.  It's too small to be getting dirty!

For the smoothie pops, I'm just going to puree bananas and strawberries together then freeze them.  Some pops I'm going to add vanilla ice cream to, and others I'm going to put banana and apple together.  Or maybe strawberry and apple would be better than apple and banana?

Now introducing our newest "member" of the family:

Carlos the Chickadee!

Bought him this morning with my second check.  I'm going to smudge and charge him as an Anchor Ward.  Place him outside in our soon-to-be garden, so that he'll absorb any negative energy, ill wishes, or possibly curses that may come our way.  Since he'll be touching the ground, they'll be no need to charge him, because his touching/connection to the earth will do that for us.  Plus his gray colors will be perfect for neutralizing any negative energies. 

Chickadee is one of my Spirit Animals, plus there's a family living in the store that usually visit me, or land in front of me  (I'm just like, shouldn't you be in nest?).  While stocking seasonal, when I saw him, I knew he'd be a perfect addition!  The perfect little Guardian.

Although they also had Cardinals and Blue Jays.  I may also get the Blue Jay, charge him more with protection, whereas Carlos is more of a neutralizer.  Both are family oriented birds, who're very protective of their kin.  Most of us are familiar with how aggressive Blue Jays can be when one strays too close to their home tree.  Well, tough things can also come in small packages, as Chickadees are known for chasing off Hawks who come too close to their nests, too!

...

I think Lycan's blowing up his diaper.  So, with that, I'll just say something completely unrelated to the topic: I love the smell of clean diapers.  Is that strange?  There's an area in the back of the store that's just diapers....it's one of my favorite locations.

~)O(~

Sunday, May 5, 2013

The Myth of Sleep

I'm starting to wonder if I'm a bad person or something. 

I'm working third shift at a 24 hour store, stocking.  It's the easiest job I've ever had.  I work my ass off every night for minimum wage.  "Cutting back" isn't in my vocabulary concerning work.  When there's something to do, I do it because that's my job.  My feet are swollen and blistered.  My hands are sore, raw, and covered in tiny cuts and abrasions.  My back and legs ache.  My knees are bruised and my joints throb from constantly getting up off of the floor and squatting (it ain't easy being tall and stocking).  I have a huge nasty bruise on my forearm from repeatedly bumping into endcaps (those stupid shelves at the end of the aisles).  I've taken out three bicycles with my jack.  Ran over my feet a few times.  Crushed my big toe by rolling over it. 

But I'm losing my fear of people by improving my customer service.  I'm super active, sweating all the time, and am losing weight.  I don't mind the work, like I said, it's easy.  Third shift, I don't deal with too many people. As long as I'm placed in Paint, Hardware, or Sporting Goods, I'm pretty happy.  Fuck HBC (Health and Beauty Care).  Actually feels like I'm getting shit done, plus being an artist, I prefer working with that material, so I know a bit about it. I get along with my co-workers and even better with my bosses.

I'm actually helping my husband with bills now; that aspect is fulfilling.  No longer does either side see me as an unemployed lazy bum.  Despite that fact that being a stay-at-home mom isn't an easy job either and you don't get paid for it.  Well, not with cash anyways.

I keep my phone on me so I can look at pictures of my son to keep me motivated. 

After working my ass off, I can't come home and relax or shower or sleep, because when I trade off with my husband, my son wakes up and stays awake, usually until hubbys gets off of work (add 8.5 hours to the 7 hours I'd already worked; my co-workers don't understand how I'm still functioning and rocking my job).  Lycan power naps for 10 minutes half the time.  Requires lots of attention.  Gets bored easily.  Plus I feel horrible if I don't use the time to interact and teach him things. 

Today he actually busted my nose with a powerful kick after I changed his diaper.  So it's sore and swollen.  

Then when husband gets home, I'll try to sleep for five hours, but it's hard due to my natural rhythym of wanting to be awake during the day.  I sleep like shit.  Even with the door closed, when Lycan makes the slightest sound, I wake up. 

But Lycan will sleep for daddy for at least 2 hours.  He's not as fussy or attention hungry.  Daddy can actually do things like nap, take a shower, or eat.  Not to mention that daddy can enjoy those 8 hours of Lycan sleeping through the night. 

Then when I give up on sleep, I come out to a messy kitchen and a husband who thinks that his two times of doing the dishes is enough and that it's my turn.  Plus, because he worked too, I should cook dinner.  Then I feel guilty because he takes out the trash and does the laundry, all on days he has to work, too.  But I don't clean.  I haven't the energy.  It's bringing me down because I hate the clutter and grime.  Our bedroom is a clusterfuck of clothes, both clean and dirty.  I fuckin hate it.  It stresses me out. 

After eating and bullshitting with my husband, I kiss my boys goodnight and set out on another night of work.  Just to come home, not be able to relax, shower, sleep, or even really eat a good meal, forced to cater to my son's commands.  Turning into a zombie, trying to function, trying to sleep when the sun is shiny and warm when my husband's home.  Trying to sleep and work when he's able to socialize with our friends.  Give up, and start the process over again.  Having to choose a hot soaking bath or shower over getting those precious z's.  All for about $170  a week. 

Sleep has become a myth and I'm slowly becoming a beast.  A raging monster like my father.  I'm ashamed of myself.  I loath myself.  I'm afraid of myself.  These random, terrifying bursts of rage.  Of becoming an abusive dick like him.  Of yelling, of cursing, of hitting walls, and throwing objects.  Today, I actually toppled over a small dresser. 

First it's objects, then it's people, right? 

Doesn't help that my happy happy joy joy, head in the clouds husband gives me a hard time about expressing my anger.  Especially those times when he doesn't understand why I'm moody or pissed off.  Sometimes it makes me feel like shit, like I need his permission to show any other emotion aside from being content.  

I don't know what to do.  I've talked to my husband, and all he can say to is "not work as hard" at work and to "sleep when Lycan sleeps".  Yeah, let me get right on that, because it's so fucking easy.  I can't transfer to another shift because we can't afford a baby sitter.  I can't quit and go back to being a stay-at-home mom because we need the money.  I have a haunting suspicion that one of the reasons why I was having a hard time finding jobs before was due to my lack of experience.  This is my first non-seasonal job, aside from being a Freelance Photographer, but in the eyes of employers, that doesn't count, even though many of them are usually impressed, especially when they see that I've done weddings (Can I handle your positions stress?  Please.  I've done weddings, I think I've got this).

I'd hurt myself before I'd ever hurt him.  I usually self-harm before ever thinking of physically lashing out at others (because I hate my father so much; I'm terrified of becoming him, I'd much rather hurt myself than others; plus the pain tends to pull me out of my episode).  I'm so ashamed.  I'm exhausted.  I'm angry.  I'm on the verge of a meltdown.  I don't know what to do.  I don't know that even Mountain Goat or Ram can help me. 

Although Chickadee has been in my face more and more lately, and I think Hera is trying to contact me through her images of Peacocks.  Then again, maybe it's not Her at all, but Peacock instead? 

I think I need a good cry.  To use my next day off to soak in soothing lavender bath and catch up on sleep.  Maybe hubby will be up for double teaming the chores to ease my tension?  I need an outlet for my anger.  Maybe that's why I'm comfortable in Hardware and Painting....it's reawakening my artistic desires to express myself through multi-mediums?

I need to breathe.

Fuck that, I need sleep!  A fucking moment to myself.  

~)O(~