My grandma was admitted to the hospital yesterday for water in her lungs. She didn't make a big deal out of it, but that's typical Hester. Her kids did, however, especially one of my aunts, who's a retired nurse, and knew the possible problems--the complications, especially concerning her age.
This morning, she had surgery to drain her lungs and the complications did come. My mom was there for her during the day, and told me that she honestly thought grandma was going to die. I didn't know that until later, after waking from my nap.
When I first heard, I was a tad worried, like my mom, aunts, and uncles. Like any normal person. Then later when I heard how she was doing now, I got emotional. Emotional for my mom and family, and emotional for myself, due to our relationship. I kept playing scenarios in my head, preparing myself for anything. Being at home or at work (which I didn't go to tonight).
Before our handfasting, it was pretty good. I used to go down to West Virginia to visit her family and she was excited to show me her family's land and share stories of where she grew up. It was fun. Then things changed in the planning for our handfasting; she realizing that I am a Pagan (Nope, not a phase!) and that I'm just as stubborn as she is, if not more (she's a Pisces on the Aries cusp, and I'm a full blown Aries). Yeah, she gave me her wedding rings, but only because I was the last resort. I still cherish them though--I'm not resentful at all. I mean, she could've not given them to me. Then she gave me her father's ring, something that meant a lot to her--rumors being that she only did because the ring fit my fingers. Regardless, it meant a lot to both of us--she really loved her father and I'm proud to wear his ring, especially since I didn't get to know him when he was alive.
However, as the handfasting got closer, she became more controlling, and we butt heads a lot. So much that when it came the day of our wedding, she was bitching about everything. She intentionally did things to hurt me, like have her kids and my mom, sit in the back of the room, despite that there was a table reserved up front. It was embarrassing and hurtful, especially since none of them had the balls to stand up to her. That's why she didn't care for me, because when she said, "Jump," I didn't. I actually stood up to her. Then at the end of the night she tried to ruin my special day by saying, "Now all I need is a better granddaughter." I just shrugged it off and said that she always had my younger cousin. "That's true."
Since that day, I remained polite, even when she refused to talk to me. Or even look at me. ...Eventually, I just ignored her altogether. She loved my son, but wouldn't acknowledge me, as awkward as that would be to most people, but as long as my son was happy, I was happy, even if we weren't talking to each other. It was more important to me that my son meets her great grandmother, even if he doesn't remember her. Some of my most cherished memories are of my great grandmother--only regrets being that I don't have any pictures of us together (whereas I made sure that Lycan would have pictures of them together).
Honestly, I figured that if she really didn't like me, she would've asked for her rings back, especially her fathers, right?
Earlier today, on her death bed, as my mom believed, she was sentimental. Asking lots of questions about my son, if he still looked like my uncle, and if we nicknamed him "Lil'Gunnie" (after my uncle). Mom thought it was weird, since grandma's not the type, but I told her that sometimes these experiences really show a person what's important. Family, friends, and love, not petty cruelty.
Mom doesn't know that she'll pull through, despite being "a tough old stubborn bat" as my husband called her. But honestly, I want what's best, what's healthy for her. What's the most painless. Even if that means letting her go.
I was feeling guilty, because in the past I'd lit healing candles for strangers, like those of the Boston Marathon, but I hadn't done so for my own blood. I don't have the energy, I'm so drained and emotionally exhausted, all within a couple of hours. I am sending healing energies to her, just not through a candle, which is one of the reasons why I'm exhausted. The candle allows me to focus, I can put some of my energy into it, turning it into a tool, a power source. Leave the candle lit while I can ground my energy and go about my day, but now family's over, and I'm just not able to.
Healing can come in different ways, from emotional to physical. Doing what's best. Which, as I told my mom, isn't always the outcome that people would prefer. That being grandma pulling through and going home--well, to my mom's house now (as grandma's realized that it's best to no longer live alone or in a nursing home). I just want what's best for her, even if that means letting go. Letting her pass. Leave her body and continue onto her next life, be it her heaven, the Spirit World, or watching over family in the physical plane.
Even if she doesn't go tonight this week, maybe this experience will...I dunno, open her up to ending this petty, passive quarrel between us? I've never been the one with the problem, I just got tired of trying, being polite in vain. An experience that we can both learn something from. Even if her body's not strong enough to keep her Spirit grounded.
Family's about to leave and I'm about to get started on that Healing Candle Spell, ground that energy, and all that. Goodnight.