Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Dilemmna

As I sit here eating Christmas themed cookies, I can't help but feel this overwhelming weight on my shoulders.  Between bad choices and shitty economy, once again, we're barely floating.  Facing yet another eviction and the possibility of moving back in with my dad.

He and I don't get along.  At all.  Too much bad blood.  For a while, I was determined to not allow him to see my children because he's violent, controlling, verbally abusive, and very selfish.  He doesn't believe in second-hand-smoke, and will smoke regardless of children or pregnant women, such as myself.  And he smokes in bed and has, more than once, fallen asleep with a lit cigarette and set something on fire, and yet continues to do so!  I honestly blame my first miscarriage on living there.  The house is so full of negativity, the fae just feed off of it, that energy is infectious.  Anger, fear, rage, violence, sadness.

I don't allow my child to be alone with him because he is legit crazy (paranoid schizo) and is so unpredictable and abusive!  He's already flown off the handle in front of my son and I pounced like a fucking crazed She-Wolf protecting my young!  I do not trust him around my bab(ies).  I don't.  Neither does my brother concerning his daughter.  Listen, we were abused.  I refuse to allow the same thing to happen to my son.  I will probably kill my dad if he ever lays a hand on my son.

I don't want my son to be in that environment, and I'm terrified that if we move in again, I'll lose this baby, too.

Some people would say, be grateful you have someone to take you in.  Even if they're physically and mental abusive?  A danger to everyone around them and themselves?  I should be grateful for that?  What's some trauma as long as you have a roof over your head, right?

I'm terrified that he might be our only option.  I don't know what else to do.  We can't get government aid.  Husband's wages are being garnished.  I'm still having bad morning sickness.  I don't know.

~)O(~

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