Tuesday, February 12, 2013

That Was a Flop

Had my doctor's appointment today, told her about my symptoms, the perina....periuum, the whatever, the bulging taint.  She examined me and it's not vaginal prolapse, thank the Spirits!  Instead, she said the bulging, since I only feel it down a bowel movement, is probably just poop....weird and gross, right?  It's something to think about now whenever I have to poop.  The bulge.  Which wasn't so bad today, if that's any indication....don't worry, I'm won't be giving daily updates about my bulge. 

Everything looked good, I'm due back for my pap in August, and I'm cleared for sex.  To celebrate, we bought my favorite champagne.  Although sex....was a flop.  Even with lube, it was a flop.  I swear, it feels like I'm a freaking virgin again.  I'm just nervous and scared.  Afraid for the pain.

I want to have sex, but I don't.  We tried, although I wasn't all that into it, and he could see that I was trying.  I was nervous.  We tried, it stung.  Almost felt like the stitches were up inside.  I know they're gone, but now I think I've just mindfucked myself into fearing intercourse.  That's depressing.

Which is weird because I've been sexually abused, but I guess vaginal delivery is the most traumatic thing my vagina (many vaginas) will ever go through.  It's just not ready.

It is comforting to know that I'm not the only woman with these fears and worries.  Plenty of women experience this.    It'll pass, especially when I'm more comfortable that I'm healed and feel normal down there.  Right now, it just doesn't feel normal.  It's a wrecked and ravaged place, totally alien to me now.  I'm not interested in sex at the moment, although my libido is picking up. 

Big ole sigh.  Can't wait until this phase is over.  And it's important that I voice my concerns to my husband, which I have and I'm lucky to have such a supporting man in my life.  Keeping the lines of communication open.


1 comment:

  1. We had sex after 4 weeks, and just took it very slow. Like you said, one feels like a virgin again. Ugh. But it was halfway decent.

    Then we tried a second time, though, and all I remembered was the initial discomfort from the first time. So I tensed up, which made it impossible.

    We waited a week, and it was much better. I was on top, and I think that really helped. So next time you try, maybe give that a shot...?

    It just takes time and practice for everything to get supple and pliable again, as I'm remembering. Oh, fun, fun fun. I miss my old sex life, but it is slowly coming back, and yours will too. ;)