Everything looked good, I'm due back for my pap in August, and I'm cleared for sex. To celebrate, we bought my favorite champagne. Although sex....was a flop. Even with lube, it was a flop. I swear, it feels like I'm a freaking virgin again. I'm just nervous and scared. Afraid for the pain.
I want to have sex, but I don't. We tried, although I wasn't all that into it, and he could see that I was trying. I was nervous. We tried, it stung. Almost felt like the stitches were up inside. I know they're gone, but now I think I've just mindfucked myself into fearing intercourse. That's depressing.
Which is weird because I've been sexually abused, but I guess vaginal delivery is the most traumatic thing my vagina (many vaginas) will ever go through. It's just not ready.
It is comforting to know that I'm not the only woman with these fears and worries. Plenty of women experience this. It'll pass, especially when I'm more comfortable that I'm healed and feel normal down there. Right now, it just doesn't feel normal. It's a wrecked and ravaged place, totally alien to me now. I'm not interested in sex at the moment, although my libido is picking up.
Big ole sigh. Can't wait until this phase is over. And it's important that I voice my concerns to my husband, which I have and I'm lucky to have such a supporting man in my life. Keeping the lines of communication open.