Wednesday, February 13, 2013

It's Okay, Right?

Time and time again I've told my husband to not fall asleep with the baby in our bed, either on him or between us.  I always have these normal healthy worries of one of us rolling on him or him falling off of hubby's chest.

Well, hubby fell asleep and Lycan spasmed off of his chest and onto the floor about 2 hours ago.  Our box mattress sits on the floor, so the fall wasn't too far.  He landed on his back.  We comforted him, looked him over, observed him, I'm still awake, observing him, but he seems okay.  No bruising, no swelling, no change in behavior.  His breathing's fine.  In fact, he's sleeping like a baby.  But I'm not.  I can't sleep.  I want to make sure he's not in shock or something.

I've realized that the thing that happened with Marsden (me stepping on him) and the miscarriage have really fucked me up.  I'm traumatized by those events.  Makes me an even bigger worry wort than a lot of new parents.  I just have these horrible images that pass by of him getting seriously hurt, like being dropped when we're carrying him, the car seat falling, Lycan being crushed by a sleeping husband, or kicked.  I just can't shake them.  I do, I tell myself that we're careful.  Also that babies are dropped all the time; they're flexible and durable.  But then an article of a car seat falling off of a cart and killing a 3 week old infant catches my attention and those fears come back.  It's horrible for the parents, but I'd like to think we're smarter than that.  But accidents happen all the time.  I still feel horrible for the woman who lost her baby in this manner a few weeks ago.

Scares the hell out of me.

SID's is another thing always on my mind.  I hardly ever get any sleep because any noise he makes--especially coughing--I wake up to check on him.  Every hour I check on him to make sure he's still breathing.

Instinct tell me he's fine, but these incessant fears and worries...muddling everything.

Doesn't help that some people just don't understand.  They make fun of me for being one of those new parents that freaks out over everything.  Of course many don't know about the miscarriage.  I don't freak out over everything.  I just don't like feeling like I have no control.  With the embryo, I had no control over it's loss.  When I was pregnant, I was worried about losing him all the time.  I couldn't enjoy my pregnancy.  Worried about miscarrying.  Even during delivery, even though i could hear his heartbeat, I was scared that he was going to be a stillborn.  Now that he's out, I just feel that I need to be there to make sure he's okay.

I'm terrified of losing him.  

Although I know coddling him isn't healthy.  Kid needs some time away from mom, and vice versa, to figure things out on his own.  I have been working on myself, with trusting my instincts instead of giving into my fears.  Learning how to trust my husband, although I have new reasons to hate his Sleepy Self.

Sleeping Hubby is a heavy sleeper.  Sleeping Hubby forgets that the baby is near him.  Many times I've seen--and stopped--him from doing stupid shit.  Awake Hubby used to think that I was just nagging him.  Well, not now.  Now Hubby knows to listen to me and NOT sleep with the baby.

It's important for me to not yell at my husband about this.  It was an accident.  I have to put myself in his shoes.....if it'd be me I would already be blaming myself for it.  Nothing would console me.  I'd probably have flash backs to stepping on the ferret.  And two, I tend to shut down when being screamed at.  I'd just retreat back into depression....I can't afford to do that again, not with Lycan in the picture.  I can't shut down again.  I have to not let my (misdirected) anger get the best of me, turning me into a raging blaming monster like my father.

I have to be fair and understanding, even though a part of me is angry with him.  Part of me wants him to feel like shit for not listening to me.  That's that dark Aries in me...the vindictive side.  But I don't want to ruin his confidence.  He's a great dad, even if his Sleepy Self sucks.  We need to be supportive of each other; he's already done his fair share in making sure that I don't fall to pieces due to stress. 

It's my fault, too.  I could've stayed awake and put Lycan in his crib instead of just going to bed, when he asked me to.  But I was exhausted and didn't want to deal with him possibly waking up.  Plus he's been having problems sleeping in the pack 'n' play (I think we're holding him too much when he sleeps).

New parents make mistakes all the time.  Do things that they're advised to not do, like sleeping in the same bed with the infant.  We're just lucky it wasn't something more serious. We've learned our lesson.

If only I could calm down enough to trust that everything's fine and go to sleep?  What a shit-tastic night. 

~)O(~

2 comments:

  1. It's OK, and guess what? "Experienced" parents make mistakes all the time too!

    Hey, I've got a 10-year-old, and I still have "Ohmyfuckinggood" New Mom Syndrome with my little one! She's almost 6 weeks old and, yes, I sleep with my hand on her chest. I want to know she's breathing. I keep a really close eye on my son when he's holding her, to make sure he doesn't drop her. When I put her infant carrier on a shopping cart, I hold it, even though I know it locks on.

    It's OK to be freaked the fuck out and it's OK to make mistakes.

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    1. yeah, i know. Hours later and he's okay, he's happy, cooing, had an awesome explosive diapers (his poops are getting back to their normal color and consistency). Temporary freak out!

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