On Thursday, I happily posted on Facebook, "Who's got 4 thumbs and is 37 weeks? This lady!" I had just packed my hospital bag later that evening, leaving out his coming home outfit, cause I figured that I'd pick one with my mom's help on Friday, as she was going to take me to my NST appointment. After testing my BS, I waddled into the kitchen and said to my husband, "Isn't it crazy? [with being 37 weeks] He could literally be born anyday now."
Who knew Lycan would be listening, eh?
I was having problems sleeping, as he was kicking up a storm, so I stayed awake, waiting for my exhaustion to win out over discomfort. I'd posted on Facebook, "Sleep and Comfort? What's that?"
Then, from my journal:
"This shit’s getting confusing, guys. Was sitting here at 12 something am, when his movement was getting really really uncomfortable. Suddenly there was an explosion of pain in my lower abdoleman that spread to my back. I stood up and walked about. Went to the bathroom, peed. I wiped, and I think I did so while I was still peeing, but I couldn’t tell if I was, or if it was coming from my canal. I wiped and got mucus, but no bloody discharge. I sat there for a few moments and nothing.
Got up, came back into the living room, and felt…what I can only describe as a gush, but not a whole lot. So I clenched and went back to the toilet. Nothing gushed out though. I peed some more, and wiped. Still no show, just mucus.
I don’t think my water broke, I think it’s just that fungal growth thing. But I dunno. I took a shower, because instincts told me to. Had another bout of BH, but nothing else really. Still no bloody show or a plug. No more painful contractions. No patterns that I’ve noticed yet.
Shit was crazy. Not sure if I should call the office or not? I dunno, guess we’ll see.
I’m so tired, just wanna sleep. [...]
Tomorrow I start the treatment for the fungal thing. Gross. I’d like to have it cleared out before he’s born. It’s fucking gross. Course, like I said, unless he decides on today being the day.
Ugh! Achey back!
That’s one thing that’s been instinctual, this need of being in the water. I’ve never just wanted to stand in the shower so much in my life this trimester. Not because I’m dirty, but because I just like the way the water feels. It’s relaxing.
12:56 am, now I feel fine….
1:26 am, ugh, my middle to lower back is hurting and either he just punched my lower regions, or I’m about to have another painful bout of BH. I feel the pain, then another….gush, I guess. WTF?
1:30 am, and my water breaks….as I’m looking up what it feels like. So off to the hospital we go."
True story, ladies and gents, I was literally on a website reading about what a water breakage feels like, from a trickle to a full on gush, when I felt it for myself. I shot up, walked/ran to the bathroom, as a warm gush of liquid exploded from my nether regions, soaking through my pjs.
I sat there, calling out my husband's name. Got up, went into the bedroom and told him the news, "Dave. I think my water just broke." "Are you sure?"
As he called the Maternity Ward, I kept having to make trips to the bathroom, because once it breaks, it keeps leaking (until baby's born, as a nurse told me). Walking outside, the stoop was icy from the snow storm. I waddled out to the car, hospital bag in hand. Fought to open the car door, which was frozen, and got in. Hubby forgot the ice scraper in the house, almost fell on his ass, and chipped away at the windows. I tried calling the mom's with no luck, then again it was nearly 2 in the am on a Friday.
I sat there, thinking about Rosanne and when Jackie's water broke, trying to remember if anything else was supposed to happen, like contractions. But then, that was a sitcom, not exactly real life, right? Never got to that part on the website, so I didn't know what to expect.
Ice gone, car warm, he got inside, but the locking mechanism on his door was frozen and not shutting. So he had to go back inside again and get a screw driver! I just sat there, smiling, "Figures this would happen when we need to go to the hospital." THEN, the car got stuck in the snow and we had to rock it out.
Arriving at the hospital, he dropped me off at, what I thought was the right door, to park. I walked around the hospital to the right door, up to security, and said, "I think my water broke," as I was leaving a pool where I stood. He walked in as I sat in the wheel chair, then up to Maternity we went. Which, I had left another pool of fluid just before getting into the bed....after realizing that I forgot my purse at home.
My mom arrived around 4:30 am, which was good because I was having contractions and really really wanted my mommy!
Time's lost to me at this point. My aunt had come. I withstood the contractions for a while, until the nurse gave me something--not an epidural--to take the edge off. I slept like a baby for a while. As it was kicking it--kicked in quick!--I was feeling good! Slurring my words and for some reason, me wanting to know if there were windows in the room seemed really important, but I fell asleep before asking my oh so important question. But I learned the answer when I came to and the drug wore off.
I withstood the pain for while after that, even withstood having a contraction monitor, baby heart monitor, and a catheter inserted (monitors up inside the cervix, catheter up the ureatha [spelling? whatever, the pee hole]). Oh, yeah, and when I first got there, they had to stick me three times for the IV because yes I've got good blood flow, but apparently in my forearms, I've got rolling veins (IV's SUCK). Thank goodness for tattoos, because it wasn't so bad. Hurt, yes, but was doable. Those monitors, though, they brought me to tears. Shit hurt! But eventually I couldn't take the contractions anymore and threw my fears of a bad epidural out the window, which couldn't have come at a better time! The monitor was beginning to hold at a baseline of 40.
Left leg went numb, the sensation traveled up my leg and spread to my right leg before having effect on the parts that matter. I fell asleep and luckily when I woke up again, I felt nothing! Was feeling good. Was happy, nervous, excited, scared, but ready. My mom, step mom, aunt, and hubby were in the room with me. The nurses were fantastic! I was going to have my baby.
Towards the evening, however, the epidural wore off, completely. They're not supposed to let that happen, but they only had one guy on duty, and he was busy with a C-Section. I withstood a spike of 65. It was the worst pain! I didn't scream, but just squeezed my husband's hand, cried, breathed, and had my support team watching the monitors, letting me know when it was almost over. As I suffered, my mom and aunt were stalking the hallways looking for help. Looking for relief. At one point, my aunt left the room because she couldn't bare to see me in so much pain. Mom was behind her once my step dad got there.
Eventually some relief came, when the nurse checked my dilation, the epidural guy came back with the goods. I passed out. Was only out for a couple minutes when I came to. Left leg still numb, right leg numbing...yet I could still feel some pain down on my right side of my uterus. And it grew. But the nurse checked me and I was at 8 or 9 centimeters. The room was prepped. Fears and tears washed over me, as I was scared that I wasn't going to be able to do it right.
Hubby, mom, and step mom stayed in the room, him by my head, and the mom's holding my legs. (BTW, when you're legs are completely numb, that shit is weird. It's dead weight. I wondered if that was how a paraplegic felt). I couldn't feel the contractions, only pushed when told to. Deep breath in, blow it out, take another and push. It's hard pushing when you can't feel anything down there. It's like having a bowel movement, only I literally couldn't tell if I was pushing in the right area. The nurse kept saying, "In your bottom, not your face." I mean, shit, it's a lot to think about! Pushing in the right place for 10 seconds, remembering to breath and curl up, while grabbing your legs.
It's hard, too, dude. It took so much out of me. Each push and I wanted to pass out, just go to sleep. A few times I had to wake myself up and remind myself of what I was doing! After about an hour of hardcore pushing, I was able to feel my down there, which helped tremendously with where I was supposed to push. Cause I was hitting a wall, crying, but knowing that stopping wasn't an option. Kept saying that I sucked at "this". Not to mention, I kept gagging with the pushing. I even told my mom and step mom to stop laughing at me because I wasn't doing it on purpose and was embarrassed about it.
With feeling, I focused. At one point, I stopped in the middle of a push, turned my head, and threw up for a couple of minutes. Luckily they were ready for me. Shit sucked!
Continuing on, I refocused when I could feel the pressure of him coming through. My mom kept saying over and over, "Look at all of that hair!"
After nearly 18 hours of labor, relief washed over me, as I pushed him out. Lycan was born at 7:10 pm on Friday, December the 28th on the night of the Cold/Wolf Moon. That pain in my uterus exploded, but I was distracted by them throwing him on my stomach. I was overcome with joyful tears. I did it. He was out. He was safe. With a full head of hair! For a moment, I thought, Who's kid is this? to I made that!
I watched as my hubby cut the cord and they took Lycan to the table to be cleaned off. I half looked over at him, half paid attention to the doctor with her hands inside me. She was massaging my uterus, one painful hand in and the other on top of my stomach. It hurt a lot and soon my elation was violated by agonizing pain and terror.
I was so cold, shivering uncontrollably. My tooth started hurting really really badly. Blinding me to everything except to how cold I was. I was screaming about being cold and how bad my entire mouth was hurting. I was writhing on the bed, legs still numb and in the stirrups. Nurses telling me repeatedly that the cold and the mouth pain was due to the blood I was losing. So, I was terrified that I was going to die before I got to hold my son, because they were having problems with my uterus clamping down. My mom said that that blood just poured out of me.
In agony, I couldn't understand why no one was helping me, why no one was taking away the pain, why no one was giving me blankets. I just wanted the doctor to take her hands out of me. They gave me a shot for the pain and to help stop the bleeding. I was delirious and screaming, acting like a damn lunatic. People were throwing warm blankets on top of me. At one point, the blood pressure cuff was tightening on my arm and I shouted, "WHAT THE FUCK? WHY IS THIS THING ON ME?" I cried. I was truly afraid.
Yet...I could hear the nurses and family talking on the other side of me about Lycan. As the nurses were telling me about the medication they shot into my leg, something about explosive diarrhea and possibly needing a blood transfusion, I could hear others say how cute my son was and look at all of that hair. Something about his first vitamin (K, into the foot). And later, how he was having problems transitioning from breathing in the fluid to breathing air. But everything worked out when he cried more. In my terror, I focused on him and eventually passed out.
When I came to, family were taking turns, coming in pairs to see my son. I heard the nurses say that they were able to stop the bleeding. I was all stitched up, had some tearing down to my rectum. Something else about how I was going to need my sleep from the blood loss, and that if my blood pressure doesn't go up later, they were going to give me a transfusion.
The pain was gone. I just really wanted to see my baby. To hold my baby, but I knew I was too weak to hold him. I was super thirsty and asked for water, which I actually had problems swallowing it and ended up throwing some of it back up. My mouth didn't hurt. I was still somewhat cold, but covered in warm blankets. I kept drinking water and I had to pee. The nurses said that it was just pressure, but I kept saying, "No, I have to pee." In which she reminded me, "You can't walk to the bathroom if you can't feel your legs." They ended up putting another catheter in me and I was right, it wasn't just pressure, I had to pee, damn it.
I watched sleepily from the bed, as family took turns holding my son--I was a little jealous. I really wanted to hold him. To look into his eyes and see what I'd been working on for 37 weeks to grow and keep safe. But I knew I'd be able to later. I needed to rest. When family saw I was awake, they checked in on me to see how I was, glad that I was okay, and kept saying how precious Lycan was.
Things quieted down. I was more alert. I apologized to the nurse about acting like a raving lunatic--she said she'd seen worse, with a smile. Then I was transported from Labor and Delivery to the Maternity Ward. Things got settled, even though the new nurse nearly accidentally ripped my IV out--that woke me up from the grogginess! I peed. Was taught about my vaginal care. Given motrin and vicodin for my pain, and given some lime jello.
Not my favorite, but after a day of only being allowed to eat ice chips and one popsicle, not to mention the vicodin was kicking in, I enjoyed that mother fucking cup! I ate it so slowly, enjoying and savoring it. I probably looked high, which I kinda was.
Oh, then a bit later, I got to eat my first turkey sandwich! I was happy. It was plain, just turkey on two buns, with some mayo. It was divine.
Then, I finally got to see my baby! All clean, swaddled, and content. He was beautiful and did have a lot of hair!
I didn't sleep much, as the nurses kept coming in to check my vitals. I spent most of the night awake, thinking about the ordeal. I was a mom. Our son was no longer inside me and it was weird not feeling him kicking. Although once in a while I felt movement, as organs moved back home and gas moved through. And my stomach was deflated. lol But...I was a mom! It was surreal. Still is a little bit.
In the morning, I got to hold him again. Got to talk to him. He reacted to my voice, now clearer. Was calmed by it. I tried to feed him via breast, but that was a catastrophe. But glad to say that after trying breast pumps, kangrooing (skin-to-skin, chest-to-chest), and some water therapy, my breasts are heavy with milk and are producing collostrum, or whatever that clear fluid is called. The nurses said that it might take 3-5 days for my breasts to produce milk, and he's actually started rooting when he's on my chest, whereas on Saturday, he wasn't even trying. But things are starting to fall into place. Boobs are so heavy now!!!
We were released on Sunday. I'm still pretty weak and will be for the next week. I lost a lot of blood. As my mom said, "He lost the pool and was trying to take the house with him." It's reflected in my skin color, and lips (in this> picture). But I'm resting about as much as a new mom can, and I'm taking iron. Luckily, the grandma's aren't shy with wanting to help...and see their grandson! My step mom brought us some meals (and sushi) yesterday and today my mom brought some formula, yogurt, sushi, and cleaned the apartment, reorganized the kitchen and finished setting up his bedroom. She also taught me about the awesomeness that are baby socks and how to give him a sponge bath. She definitely gave me a break, it's hard when you're drained (literally). I just have nothing, no energy. Barely enough to write this post, but I wanted to before I forgot some things. And there's still more I want to take about, but hopefully I'll remember for later posts.
I'm eating when I can--still on that low carb diet, only not nearly as strict and I'm not testing my BS or taking the glyburide. Especially since I kinda of need the carbs for the energy. I'm obviously still sore from delivery. I was waddling before I had Lycan, and I'm still waddling. Though not bed ridden, as I'm making myself get up and move to keep from getting too stiff, but it's catching up to me today. Whew. So glad my husband has tomorrow off.
But he's healthy and becoming more and more alert. It's still surreal for the both of us, it's just so awesome to know that we made him. And kind of unbelievable. Dave didn't want to leave for work today, didn't want to leave him, but I urged him to, saying that I needed to get used to taking care of him alone (at least for the morning, as my mom came in the afternoon). As for the bad odors, I dealt with my first nasty diaper and only gagged three times. I didn't run and I finished the job like a good mother would. I mean, heck, it's just us and he only has me. What kind of person would I be if I just stuck a diaper over it? So yeah, suck on that nay sayers, with their, "Well what are you gonna dos". Obviously I'm going to step up and be a mom, damn it.
I love him, I love kangarooing with him. I suck at burping, but I'm getting there. I don't mind the diapers, but how angry he gets when you go to change him. I don't like his high pitched crying because it sounds like he's in pain and it upsets me a little bit, but I'm getting used to it. I'm getting the hang of this new parenting thing. It'll be better when my blood flow returns. Each time I look at him, I still can't believe he's ours. What a journey so far!
What a way to end 2012! Born on the Wolf Moon, he brought in two snow storms with his birth! Mommy's little Capricorn Werewolf; and it's funny that his Ascendant Sign is Leo...because his middle name is also "Leo". With a full head of hair and a hairy little back, it's just so fitting that Lycan was born on the full moon. Although I told my mom and aunt, who bought me garnets for January that they'd have to find December's stone now. :-)
Okie dokie do, time for me to pump some more, try to get some milk flowin, and to rest. My baby boy oughta be waking up here soon for a feeding, too. Blessings yall and have a happy new year!