Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Blessed Samhain!

And a happy 2nd anniversary to us!

This year is just.....busy (and this is a long post).  I think this is the first year where I didn't dress up as anything, despite really wanting to.  Yesterday, there were no plans for hubby's birthday, though my BFF took us out for dinner.  Love her.  And today, I'm going to make him an awesome birthday and anniversary dinner of t-bone steak, mashed potatoes, and his own deep dish individual cookie.

Then BFF's going to take our photo, probably in Lycan's room, near his crib.  A picture that I plan on putting with our handfasting shrine.  

I've just been so focused on this GD thing.  Of eating right and checking my blood sugar.  That and we're too broke to barely pay bills, let alone gifts for each other and party things for our friends.  Due to GD, I'm not feeling as festive because I'm not able to partake of the meals and beverages that I normally makes around this time of the year.  So it's like, why bother? 

Yesterday was my big appointments, the Diabetic Teacher....she was nice but a little bit too............anal?  Yeah, that's a good word.  She was shocked that I didn't have a set sleeping schedule, despite that I told her that I help my husband deliver papers.  I go to bed around 11:30 pm, if I can.  Lately it's been a problem.  I get up at 2 am.  Get home around 6:30 am.  Go to sleep around 7 am.  Wake up around 2:30 or 3 pm.  If not for my help, he's not going to get to his main job on time.

I understand that it's important for a diabetic to have a set schedule to help regulate their BS, but what are we to do?  No one wants to hire a 6 monther (and some change), even as a seasonal.  We need the money.

Then she flipped out about my gangelion cyst.  It's been open for a little over a year.  And by open I mean, a towel popped it and the fluid within flowed out, and has been acting like a scab in terms of hardening, but it's not allowing the skin to heal.  The more active I am, the more often either I have to drain it, or it pops and I have to deal with it.  I'm not stupid, I know this is an issue, especially since pregnant women and diabetics have a higher chance of infection.  I've been taking the necessary precautions in terms of treating it, keeping it clean, and everything else.  She just treated me like I was stupid and ignorant.

Lady, if I had health insurance, don't you think I would deal with it?

But then, gangelion cysts don't go away.  The podiatrist is going to do what he did last time.  Lance it with air, suck it out; then I'll be back in surgery having something removed that's just going to come back like it did last time!  It's chronic and something I've been living with since my high school year!

Then she nearly had a heart attack about my testing strips being expired.  She fucking scolded me, saying that all of my results have been false and that I wasted a week.  WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DO WITHOUT INSURANCE?!?!?  Ours is STILL pending!  A friend, who's been a diabetic for a long time, gave me her extra as charity.  She didn't seem to have an issue with them being expired because I needed them.  The hospital didn't have any at the time and they couldn't get a hold of the DT at the time.  What am I supposed to do?

So she gave me a newer tester, but it only has 10 strips.  I need to test 5 times a day.  What?  We don't have insurance yet.  Am I supposed to whore myself out for more strips?  So, I'm remedying that by rationing the good strips and using the expired ones until our insurance goes through, whenever the hell that's going to be.

Then she was shocked that my doctor went ahead and prescribed me the pills.  She would've started me on insulin.  My doctor wanted insulin to be the last resort.

Not to mention this lady acted like if I ate ANY sugar I was going to kill my son.  Whereas the doctor, who's a baby doctor and has had plenty of GD patients before, said that a piece of pie isn't going to hurt.  I'm pregnant, I have cravings.  I can have small portions once in a while.

The DT was just......judgmental for one.  She treated me like I was dumb.  One of the first questions was her looking at my pre-preggo weight: 320 lbs, and asking if I was sick (because I'm at a steady 300lbs).  No, I told her that when I learned I was pregnant, I made drastic changes to my diet.  And she shrugged it off like it was no big deal.  Like in her mind, I should've been eating healthy anyway, because, well, you know, doctors eat healthy all the time.  No faults there.  At least an OB nurse and my doctors were impressed.  Nope, not this lady, I got the impression she felt I was lying, as she kept bringing up, "I don't want you to be starving yourself."

Really?  I don't know what kind of students and patients you normally deal with, but that doesn't give you permission to treat everyone like they're a lazy, lying fucktard!

Good thing my husband was there because I was just so overwhelmed by everything.  This lady was precise in her measurements and serving sizes, it was all just numbers and foreign language to me due to my learning disabilities.  Plus I'm a visual and a tactile learner, but concerning things, I don't get it until I actually put it into practice.  Plus, even though I told her that any breads or pastas makes my BS sky rocket, she still wants me to eat more carbs.

She just made me feel like any fuck ups are going to lead to a still born (even though it's rare).  Or that I'm definitely going to have Type 2 after he's born.

We left, hubby bought us chipotle for lunch, I ate, I took a nap, took my BS, and broke down.  I was so overwhelmed.  So worried that I'm not going to be able to follow this woman's instructions.  So scared that I'm going to kill my son.  She scolded me for putting a bit of honey in my tea for crying out loud!  I just wanted this pregnancy to be over with.  I just felt like the longer he was in me, the more damage I was going to do to him.

So no, the DT did not make me feel any better.  If I didn't follow her plan and exercise, I'm going to kill my son, or cause him to have other complications.  You have to stick to this schedule.  You have to eat at this time.  If you deviate at all, you're going to cause him harm.  I almost felt like she'd been easier on me if I was an alcoholic or a drug addict instead of a overweight pregnant woman. 

My idea weight, for a 6'2.5 woman is about 200lbs.  The safe zone is between 220 and 230 lbs.  I've been struggling with my weight since high school.  When I was 220, 230.  Bullied for my weight, scolded by my mom about needing to lose weight.....now I'd kill to be 230lbs.  I thought I was fat then!  Because everyone around me made fun of me!  I plan on continuing my healthy habits after he's born so I can be at least near that weight again, but I'm not going to focus so much on weight, as much as on health.  I'd rather be healthy than idea.  If this was an idea world, I wouldn't have GD.  I wouldn't be overweight.  I'd have a fucking job.....but it's not. 

Hubby came in and made me feel better.  I went in and checked what I wrote down, and despite all of the carbs I'd eated for lunch, my BS had dropped from 140 to 114.  So I gave her some credit.

Then this morning, I just vented to my husband during our route.  How I trust my doctor more than this lady, because even though she's a diabetic teacher, they have more experience in dealing their GD patients.  They understand how important it is to keep you educated but not stress you out; keep you positive.  I've been a fucking mess, a fucking roller coaster of emotions since finding out about failing the first test. 

Technically, I'm morbidly obese, which I just gotta ask that if I'm morbidly obese, what's the huge woman riding around in her rascal?  I can do things that most morbidly obese people can't do, but clinically I am!  Technically, my BFF who's average size, with her big boobs and child-bearing hips, clinically she's obese.  Because she's not idea.  It's not just society that hates on the fat, but also the medical field.

And maybe I'm paranoid, but some doctors are out to make money; some will make the situation out to be worse than it really is.  Or if you don't have insurance, they'll hold information back from you.

According to my doctors and online, a lot of people have diabetes, they just don't know it, and perhaps will never know it.  My husband believes the same goes for cancer.  Most of the time, you don't know it until it becomes a problem.  As soon as some doctors learn, shit gets blown out of the water and made into a huge issue when it's not.  Or when it can be handled without medications and the stress.  Just to scare you.  Just to get more money.

Not all doctors or cases are like this, I know.  Some doctors actually do give a shit about you. 

I honestly think I was fine, that Lycan was better, without knowing this.  Now it's on my mind every day, every time my stomach rumbles, every time I fight with getting my fingers to bleed.  I'm stressed out.  I'm worried.  I'm scared.  I randomly start crying, more than hormonally normal.   I'm not enjoying this anymore.  I don't see myself as the safest place for my child anymore.  The hospital definitely didn't help.

Doesn't help that around this time last year, we learned about the miscarriage.  Sometimes it just feels like all of those emotions of helplessness, fears, and failure are coming back to haunt me.  Even though the DT said that it's not my fault, that insulin is a hormone produced in the pancreas.  It's just battling with my placenta who's producing a shit ton of crazy hormones to help my body carry and soon deliver my baby.  Sometimes, the placenta wins. The pancreas gets confused, either it produces too much or just can't keep up.  

But what can I do?  Just give up?  Yeah right, I'm a Ram, I don't just give up even when facing a wall.  That and I'm pretty sure that my Spirits would kick my ass.  I honestly don't even know why that thought came to me....give up.  Why would I?  How could I?  He's depending on me now more than ever.  I've worked so hard to have him.  To be a mom. 

Yeah, I think it's safe to say that I've been a little preoccupied lately.  But my husband's helping me with my meal plan, I'm more active, and I know that dwelling on this complication isn't good for either of us.  And I know that things could be so much worse.  So I'm trying to focus on other things, even if dressing up for Samhain isn't one of them.  Or going to parties. 

Hubby's birthday basically sucked, as we were at the hospital from 8 am to 3 pm.  Afterwards, I certainly didn't feel like doing what I had planned.  I was an emotional wreck; he was pissed off at the DT.  Luckily BFF came to the rescue and we had fun. 

Today I'm going to honor our Ancestors and the Last Harvest, cook a yummy birthday/anniversary dinner, hang with BFF for a bit.  Tomorrow we have our another ultrasound, so we get to see Lycan again.  And come Saturday, I get to hang with mom and have the baby shower.  Come Sunday, I hope to see my BFF's quidditch game.  Then work on Lycan's room and finish working on the house.  Maybe I'll start writing again?  Focus more on what the doctor's told me to do, and less on the way the DT made me feel. 

I probably won't do a ritual today.  Just light some candles, give some offerings.  It's Samhain, Summer's End.  A time to celebrate the Last Harvest of the year.  A time to reflect.  A time to prepare.  And today marks the 2nd year of our handfasting, thus it's also a time to celebrate and rekindle our love, and to be positive about our future.  This time next year, Lycan's going to be nearly a year old and the focus of an adult Samhain will begin to shift on him.  Or he'll be at grandma's so we can do something special for our anniversary.

By the way, did I mention that we're thinking about changing his iddle name from "Leslie" to "Leo"?  Leslie is my husband's grandpa, but Leo is also his middle name.  1) We both like Leo better, and 2) It'll be less embarrassing when he gets into trouble in front of his friends (I tend to say the full name when someone's in trouble). 

Oh, I'm so glad that I made this blog separate from my main blog.  It's nice to have a place to vent.  I feel as though a weight has been lifted.  I feel so much better. 

And PS pets are great distractions.

Blessed Sabbat!

~)O(~

Monday, October 29, 2012

Fuck No!

My FBS was the lowest it's been since I started tracking it: 95, baby!  Yeah, suck on that!  Though I may have over did it a bit too much last night...though it could just be growing pains, my right hip is hurting.  Well, not so much now.  But the pain in my hip and knee was bad, bad enough to make me forget the pillow remedy, so I just got up.  Said, "Fuck it, I'm up!"  So today, still going work on his room (gotta lot done last night), but I'm going to take it slower. 

But my mind's on food!  That bad foods.  The evils.  The ones I can't have. 


Foodthings I miss: SUSHI, deli meats, pasta, cereal, and bread. :-(

Is it January yet????

When he's free from thy womb, I want a bouquet of Crunchy California, Sunday Morning, Hawaiian, Sweetheart, Fujiyama, Volcano, and some Unagi Sauce. 
 Gotta pay with sushi at the door before you can see my boy!!

::sigh:: Roughly 3 more months! Pasta was my sushi replacement, but now it's red grapes.  It's just not the same!

Aw, I was thinking about holiday's dinners and it hit me like a brick wall....I can't have pasta salad, macaroni salad, or even mac and cheese!  Those are some of my favorite sides!  I can't have freshly baked breads either!  Or stuffing!  Holy crap, talk about change!  The cakes and things, I can do without....or so I say now.  But ya just never realize how much you miss a food until you can't have it.  Concerning the pasta, breads, and cereals, it's only been a few days.  Oh, snap. 

Do you know how long it's been since I've had chocolate?  Simply because I don't want to risk it sky rocketing my blood sugar.  I haven't had chocolate since they called me back for the 3-hour test.  That's nuts for a chocaholic like me!  Not that I was pigging out on it before, as I had cut down significantly on my chocolate intake.  But still. 

But, it's for him.  My boy, who, even though I'm ready to push him forth from my loins (when he's ready, of course), I still enjoy feeling him moving.  Now that he's getting bigger, I can feel him in new places.  The other night, he kicked and moved my arm, which was resting against the side of my stomach.  I'm carrying him pretty low, from what I've seen of other preggos anyway, most of the movement is still down there.  But he is larger!  Last night my belly button jumped!  And I noticed it's not as deep as it used to be, lol. 

Maybe due to my slimming rolls of ivory I can't always feel him with my hand when he's moving.  I can only feel him when I'm barely touching my skin, despite that he's doin this thing.  Though now, perhaps due to him getting larger and/or me losing extra fat, I can feel him more and more by a normal touch.  It's just planning it out so hubby can feel it.  He's yet to feel him. 

At least I can still have some cooked fish and seafood, though.  I definitely appreciate my forbidden foods all the more.

Oh, well my two appointments are tomorrow, one in the am to check my logs, and the other around 1 with the DT.  Can't wait.  Then Thursday is my ultrasound, and Saturday our baby shower.  Gosh, I hope there will be diabetic friendly foods there....With my mom in charge, there oughta be!

Okay, the stomach commands and I must obey.

~)O(~

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Fuck Yeah!

I think I've discovered the key to this whole GD thing!  Activity!  Seems so simple and so DUH!  I'll eat, chill for about 10 minutes, then go and freakin do something, like things I've been putting off, like Lycan's room.  Course being able to actually see how food and exercise affect me is a major help, too!

This morning, my BS was 142.  Then I ate and did the dishes (there were so many) and it dropped it 124.  So when I ate again (with my brain gears movin), I did some much needed housework, it dropped again to 98!  I'm still going to stick to a low carb diet - still eat what I've been eating, just do something afterwards.  But now I feel that I can eat and get full without worrying too much about my BS sky rocketing (which probably means that I can finish off my tortellini).  But for now, my goal is to keep it around a certain level, it's been a roller coaster so far, and I've been doing all right with keeping it below 120.  Now I need to work on a healthier range.  Now that I have a fuckin clue. 

As long as I have some chores or something.....eventually I'm going to run out!  Hubby'll be happy because that'll mean I'll be doing some of his chores.  Now I have the motivation to start doing preggo yoga again, whereas, although I was saying that I was going to start it up again, certain fears were in the back of my mind, relating to my miscarriage.  As I've stated, I haven't taken or done anything with this pregnancy that I did with that one.  I think at this point, I may just be superstitious, which is weird because I'm not a superstitious person.  But it's still in the back of my mind and I can't seem to shake it...but eventually....I am going to run out of things to keep me busy all the time (especially since I still haven't found a job).  And let's face it, there are going to be days when I won't feel like doing shit.  A gentle exercise would really help.  I'm aware that there are low impact exercises aside from yoga that I might try if I can't get over my superstition. 

I'm not going to rush into anything and just eat whatever, I'm still in the testing stages.  I'll see what my FBS (fasting blood sugar - taking the BS as soon as you wake up after not eating for 8-12 hours) says tomorrow.

Obviously inactivity is one of the reasons why I have GD (most likely, aside from family history and being overweight), food is fuel for our bodies to work.  To move.  Much like gasoline in a car.  Just sitting there, after eating, that shit's just going to build up and be stored as fat.  And in my case, as high blood sugar. 

I was telling my hubby last night, that I think having GD is a blessing in disguise.  Yes, it's for our son, but it's also benefiting me a great deal, in terms of forcing me to do things that I've been wanting to do, things that I've been needing to do.  Our son's a pretty great motivator!

~)O(~


Two Things That Start with "S"

No, this isn't a belated Pagan Blog Project post, no.  This is about primal wants.  Primal urges that I'm just not getting lately.  Two "S"'s.  Can you guess what they are?

Sushi and Sex.  Maybe both at the same time..... ;-)  To replace sushi, I've been feasting on pasta...but due to GD, Pasta is sadly out and has suddenly been replaced by salad.  Baby spinach salad with grapes, sometimes queso, and a bit of ranch, to be exact.  It's not that filling.  Not even in large quantities.  I mean, it's rabbit food, so, and the "Vegan" life just isn't for me.  I'm an omnivore! I like my variety!  I like filling foods!  Even though I do love red grapes, I always need something else to go with it.  And at this point, I'm convinced that I'm going to need a pill to help regulate my blood sugar.  Yesterday it went from 114 to 126.  Then this morning, it was a whopping, unbelievable 142.  WTF? is what this chick asks.  But then I also didn't go out and help the hubs with the paper route, so the inactivity may have something to do with it.  But hopefully I can get someone to go to Darby with me later. 

It's getting to the point where I may use my son's newborn pictures as ransom for some sushi!  I'm serious about that whole "I don't want a bouquet of flowers, I want a bouquet of sushi" thing.  SUSHI!!  I MISS YOU!!!!  My favorite food. 

Which leads me to Sex.  It's enjoyable, filling (wink), and...um...yummy, I guess.  And it's something I enjoy doing with my husband.  Don't get me wrong, vibrators are amazing--especially my $90 European EVOLVED vibrator, Lucky 13 (course, I've named "him" is Victor; cause he is victorious every single time!), but sadly it's getting old.  I want the real thing.  It's not my husband or even me, it's my vagina.  WTF, Gina?  Really?  (I actually have a name for my va-jay-jay, but I can't remember.  My butt's name is Ana.  Too much personal info?  Too bad, ya should've stopped at the second "Sex".)  It's just too dang sensitive down there!  Even with my natural lube and astro glide.  Sucks, man.  Especially when my libido's soaring and we're getting hot and heavy.  Seems promising, the choir sings, and.....everything's halted by a pained "OW!"  An ow, both for my stupid sensitive canal and for my horniness.  Course, he's concerned that he's hurt me, whereas I'm pissed off! 

Once in a while, and I do mean "in a while", we can carefully, but not too often.  Like once a month or every 3 weeks. Hubby's more fine with it than me (his pent up ass has a master plan after I'm healed that involves sending the kid to grandma's with a supply of milk, and a hotel room, complete with a jacuzzi), but masturbation is losing it's luster for the both of us....porno, too.  It's hard enough trying to find a video I like, but now they're all boring, or the "acting" gets to me (or the chick has an annoying ass voice) and I just can't get into it.  I'm more of an imagination kind of gal anyway, especially lately.  But nothing beats the real deal....

Different positions?  Nope, no relief. 

Okay, well, what about oral?  Him on me is no problem, but me on him...well, my gagging reflex was bad before, but I still managed.  But now, the slightest bad odors send me reeling, gagging violently with a possible promise of vomiting, but DEFINITELY peeing myself.  I'm a reciprocating person, we both have to be getting ours, not one over the other. 

Handy's?  Too much like masturbation.  I want penetration!

Anal?  It's not vaginal penetration, so no, tis not the same!

Like I've said, it's mostly me and less him.  But he's a champ, and definitely handling it better than me.  Roughly 3 more months....depending on healing time for the second primal need.  My libido is up for it, but my vaginal canal is not.  What's a girl to do?

Okay, how do I make this one post....um....18 or older to view?  Ya think it's be in Options for Post Settings.  Hmmmm??????

~)O(~

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Captian's Log, Stardate 10.25.2012

First day of my Third Trimester!  Yay!

Cropped out my head because I forgot to wear my veil.  
And yes, we've traded a crappy phone camera 
for an even crappier camera phone... but at least we have a phone now.
Why yes, I do have an awesome fashion sense :-)

We're almost there!  Roughly 3 months until Lycan's out of me!  I'm supposed to roughly gain 11 pounds this trimester too, which oughta be interesting since, as I've said, I'm gaining where needed, but also slimming down due to a healthier diet and more activity. 

Day 2 of the Blood Sugar logs and I'm more hopeful than I was yesterday.  Wednesday night, when my friend showed me how to use the kit, my BS came back at 193.  Then in the morning, when I tested it, it was 150.  Well, when I tested a bit ago (about to do it here in 7 minutes), it was at 98!  In addition to recording times and levels, I'm also recording what I'm eating, which has been helpful in understanding it more.  Seeing is believing after all.

Wednesday night, I had pigged out on 4 pieces of homemade ranch pizza, and carbs are apparently not my friends!  It's a low carb diet with no processed sugars.  Tonight, I'm making cheese tortellini (because sadly my weakness is pasta :-( Pasta's like my sushi replacement!) with queso and chicken, with a salad.  So we'll see how that goes.  Your body needs carbs, and my doctor said low carbs, not no carbs. 

Ow, okay so apparently not only is my right index finger more "juicey" than the left, but it's also a more of a pansy.  It's stinging!  BS is up a bit more--104--apparently 4 scrabbled eggs and/or cinnamon applesauce is a little too much.  But eating just a salad doesn't fill me up :-( .   Le sigh, hopefully the Diabetic Teacher will be able to shine a bit more light on this: keep it low and make me full.  All right, I'm off to make dinner.

And I'm excited again for hubby's birthday, Samhain, and our anniversary!

PS Red grapes are AWESOME!  This pregnancy's made me realize just how great they really are.  Perfect little snacks.  But i don't like the purple kind.  Only somewhat like the green kind (I refuse to call them white; they're green).  But I LOVE LOVE LOVE the red kind!  YUM!

~)O(~

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Woe is Me ;-)

Okay, day one of my glucose tracking.  Luckily a friend of mine, with diabetes, gave me an extra tester, a bunch of strips, and lancets last night.  Thank you, Alyce!  I have to test when I first get up with an empty stomach, then two hours after every meal....which will be odd since I tend to eat every hour....But I'll figure it out. 

I had to prick myself twice on my first time, ::shakes head::  Couldn't get enough blood flow, and I had to use three strips due to insufficient blood and the tester not being ready.  Lancets hurt!  But then it's also a finger.  The pain doesn't last for too long, as I need to focus on getting the blood flowing, so the strip can suck it up.  I think I've got it now.

Things already aren't looking too good, as this morning's reading, on an empty stomach, was 150.  That's high.  According to LiveStrong, "For pregnant women without diabetes, average fasting glucose levels vary between 69 and 75; one hour after eating they range from 105 to 108. If you have preexisting diabetes or develop gestational diabetes, the goal of management is to keep your blood glucose as near normal as possible without going too low. In 2007, the Fifth International Workshop-Conference on Gestational Diabetes established blood glucose goals for diabetic women during pregnancy: fasting sugar should be less than 96; one hour after eating, it should remain under 140; two hours after eating, it should be less than 120".

So yeah, I think pills are in my future....hopefully they'll able to get it under control without insulin.  Bad enough to prick myself, but needles?  I know I've said that I don't have too much of an issue with needles, having tattoos and all, but it's different when someone else is doing it for you. 

But then for the 3-hour test, I dunno, out of the 4 blood draws, only 2 came back high.  So I dunno.  We'll see how the rest of the week goes.  Time for food, which I used to love, but now have mixed feelings about it.  Just like how I was enjoying my pregnancy until this whole GD thing got started, then I just wanted to have my healthy, happy son.  Get it over with, and hope that I don't have Type anything Diabetes, which most likely will be Type 2.  Less enjoyment, more of just trying to get the nutrients that Lycan needs. 

Yep, I'm looking forward to my baby shower and to his birth.  Sabbats, anniversaries, and family events.....there's just no excitement there.  Not that I'm sulking, the moods shift with the tides, it seems....okay, maybe a tad.  I'm still just dealing in my own way, which includes a lot of flip flopping and over thinking.  The doctor's positivity, yesterday, rubbed off on me a little bit, though. And I'm sure the meeting with the Diabetic Teacher will also make me feel loads better, with a diet and exercise plan and all - someone who actually knows what's going on.  Right now, it's just me with very little understanding, over thinking and worrying.  Nothing new there.

I'm more worried about my sons health than anything.

Course, I say I'm not looking forward to anything, but when it comes up, I obviously enjoy myself.  This tis the season of food and I think that's why I'm feeling the way I am.  I was looking forward to all of the dinners and family get togethers.  I'm a Kitchen Witch, I enjoy baking and cooking; I love food!  Or I used to.  Now I just have mixed feelings about it.  I know it's not the end of the world, just a big change.  But to get out of my slump, I'm going to make hubby his favorite meal and a personal cake for his birthday come Tuesday. 

And my mom is a HUGE support system right now.  As soon as I told her, she did her homework on what the best diet for me is.  No doubt at family get togethers she'll be conscientious of healthy and tasty foods for me to eat.  I'm sorry, I'm pregnant, all I can think about is food! lol, oh shit.  How melodramatic is that? 

So yeah, I'm gonna go and eat.  Normally I'd said that my emo mood is due to a low blood sugar, but that's not the case is it?

~)O(~

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Today's Appointment

Ow, fuck!  I just ripped off the tape from my arm from the blood work today.  The last time I did that, damn tape actually took skin and left some scarring.  Or what looked like it anyway.  You know, it'd be wonderful if I could go to the obgyn WITHOUT having blood drawn.  Just once.  They know me down there.  Damn, that hurt.  Not the blood drawing, after have a tattoo on my forearms, no needles hurt.  Well, a little sting, but that's it. 

That freakin tape, holy crap!  Can use that to plug up a tire hole!

So I was dreading today's appointment last night.  Those worries, plus my restless legs, kept me awake until 3 am this morning.  Blah.  But the appointment wasn't too bad.  Doctor said that it's basically a low-carb diet with no processed sugars.  Only I'll have to regulate with a blood tester thingy.  My blood pressure is fine, weight is fine (I've actually lost a pound since my last visit), and so is my urine.  Lycan's moving and shaking, his heart is strong.  No cramping.  No spotting.  Just the GD.  Oh, and my nausea's returned with a vengeance....blah. 

All during my first trimester I was nauseous, then it went away a week or two into my second.  And now at the very end of my second it's coming back.  Dave thinks it might have something to do with my diet, as I was eating super healthy in the first and early second and was nauseous the entire time, and now I'm eating super healthy again and it's returned.  Course it could just be a preggo thing.  Like how I used to drink cranberry juice every three months to cleanse my kidneys and bladder, and now just a sip makes me sick. 

We're in the process of applying for health insurance and are doing so with the hospital, so.....yeah, I've got an appointment in a week  to check my blood sugar logs....but I don't have the stuff yet, because we can't afford it.  I'm going to call my mom and ask if she can help us out with that.  Then again, she's already done so much by surprising me on Friday by taking me to the food store, after doing research on GD. 

I finally got a hold of my Diabetic Teacher, so I have an appointment with her on the same day as my other appointment - both on hubby's birthday, no less.  One of the nurses had looked for a charity blood tester thingy, but couldn't find one, but told me that due to being High Risk to just come in anyway.  Hopefully I can get a tester and strips BEFORE Friday.  At least have something to take to them. 

The 30th is gonna be a long day for us. 

The doctor said that they're going to monitor the baby's size, and if my blood sugar can't be handled with the diet, then they'll move onto a pill.  Insulin will be the last resort.  Fingers crossed that I can handle my GD with the diet!  I mean, everything else is fine, so hopefully I can manage.  I'm not so worried anymore, as the doctor was pretty positive about it. 

Kay kay, time for napping!

~)O(~

Sunday, October 21, 2012

The Rage Monster

"I want our son to have a close relationship with our son," looks so good on paper....then you get over to his house and remember why you contemplated not allowing your dad to see him at all.  We went over to dad's today so I could make copies and that hubs could help him move furniture around.  The entire time he bitched and raged at my step mom. 

At one point, he asked, "I don't understand why women need so much junk, fuckin kniknacks.  Materialistic is what they are."

I almost said, "Well, can you understand this?  If you can't control your rage, you're never seeing my son over here."  But I didn't.  Though I did say something similar to my step mom, while he bitched on.  My stress continued to build.  My cheeks grew hot.  I managed to calm a bit, but he kept on, and so did my annoyance.  To the point that when he flipped out over some other stupid little thing, I calmly shouted, "CALM THE FUCK DOWN!  I'M ABOUT TO LOSE MY SHIT!"  And he did.  He shut the fuck the up.  For a little while.  Hormones took over and I nearly burst into tears, then went outside instead.  Didn't want to lose it in front of them. 

Glad I went outside, because he continued his rampage, til the point where Dave was about to walk out and leave him to move everything himself.  I just sat there, remembering how much I hated being there.  How trapped one feels, especially as a woman.  I don't want our son to be exposed to that environment.  To be around him when he blows up over stupid shit.  To see how he treats women and think that it's okay (despite that our home life is drastically different!).  That it's okay to place blame on others instead of taking responsibility for their own actions. 

Even if he bumps into a tree, no doubt it'd be my step mom's fault. 

I broke down because I was seething with hatred for him and was stressed out.  Hubs came outside and assured me that Lycan's not going to spend a whole lot of time with him.  We'd already agreed to not allow them to be alone; even though it was him who said the first line.  When dad's sane, he can teach Lycan some things, like about fishing, hunting, and heck, even cars.  Dad taught me after all. But I can't trust that he's not going to flip out over something ridiculous, or take his anger out on my son (I will flip my shit if that happens).  So, no.  No time alone with grandpa.  If he does lose it, we're leaving without a bye or a hug.

There's a reason why my brother doesn't bring my niece around him.  Though he doesn't even give him a reason as to why.  But...even though dad doesn't deserve it, my step mom does deserve to know why her grandson isn't around so much....though I suspect she knows already, hence why she's harking on dad about his smoking and trying to calm his rage.   

That's the great thing about being a parent, having control over who they spend time with.

Before we  left, I heard my step mom having a chat with him about his rage and what I said.  Twas no threat, but a promise. 

~)O(~

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Invites Are Finally Done!

The invitations are done and shall be sent out on Monday; but due to being camera-less, we still don't have any pictures to post.  So yeah.  Though....I guess I could take a blown out picture with my web camera....if I can get it to open up....never mind.  I'll post an image later.

After having plenty of experience with my Bridal Shower and Handfasting, I clearly wanted some creative control with the invites to my son's pre-birth party.  That's the problem with being an artist....being very particular about what you want...and wanting to take over!  Even if the party is for you!

There are plenty of pre-made, fill-in the spaces shower invites out there, but I like a little personalization with mine.  I didn't like the designs, the colors, or the bias between male and female.  Some of the girl invites were cool!  Or they had the colors and/or themes I was going for, but many also had "IT"S A GIRL!"  on them, or were too dang much.  Plus I needed to add some notes!  My mom took care of her and my step dad's side with the fill-in IT'S A BOY! invitations.  Which I think is a bit redundant, simply because she asked, "Well, how will they know it's a boy?"  Um...by the blue colors and the name Lycan, one would hope.  But I let her have it, and did my own thing.  I just hope that "IT'S A BOY!" isn't going to be plastered all over the shower....I'm not a big fan of redundancy or that theme.

My step mom took care of hers via the Facebook Events Invites.  Whatever floats your boat!

I went to Michaels and bought 20 5x7 blank cards and envelops in ivory (because it was the closest to pale yellow I could find) and green for $10.  I chose colors that were close to the theme we've picked for his room.  I went home and set up the page measurements on Microsoft, and added the information in pretty font and colors.

For the ivory cards, I printed in green, and on the green cards, I printed in blue.  Luckily the ivory cards weren't one page, they were doubled.  Using a cutting board, I cut the cardstock in half (then printed the invite).  With the 10 pages of scrape, I printed out the RVSP info twice, in green front, then cut them so I had 20.  (Good thing because I had actually forgotten about needing the RSVP cards!)  Though some of the RSVP cards in printed in blue due to issues with the printer.  Story of my life.

Since Lycan's room is a Turtle/Sea Life theme, I stamped the invites with a happy little turtle.  Ivory cards went inside the green envelopes and the Green in the white envelopes. 

I'm keeping one for his scrapbook! Ha!  Got it!


~)O(~

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Proofing

You know, people must think I'm talking out of my ass when I say that having a ferret has prepared us for having a moving infant.  There are actually a lot of similarities between the two, in terms of what attracts them, the messes they make, their determination, and so on. 

With Marsden I have to proof outlets, cabinets, close doors to rooms I don't want him to go into (even have to proof em in case he gets in there!), and same goes for the lower objects.  Objects not just at "ferret" level, but also at baby level: the coffee table, DVDs, CDs, and other items at ground level.  I've even had to move the altar up out of reach, though if he's observant, and we're not, he can use the window sill, the laptop table, or one of us to get there.  With the coffee table, he can use the dog as a step or one of us as a bridge. 

What Marsden doesn't steal and hide in the back room, he knocks off just for the hell of it.  A digger he is!  A curious digger at that!  Likes to dig behind the DVDs, CDs, and Books (though I broke him of that!), just to see what's behind it.  And he's determined!  A simple no doesn't work with him.  And pulling him away only makes him more determined to get to it and make a mess.  Either we have to distract him, OR put him back in his cage. He's even tried to steal DVD's! 

I've been trained to listen when he's not in the same room as us.  If he makes an odd noise, I get up to investigate. 

Ferrets are smart!  They learn and they're resourceful.  Babies learn too.  Perhaps not as quick as a ferret, but still. 

Now granted a ferret, or at least Marsden isn't going to explore his world with his mouth like a baby, but I think they're both just as destructive.  

Hm, from what I've seen of infant and toddler behavior, yeah, I see a lot of similarities between them and ferrets!  So while they may think I'm bullshitting, I've got a feeling that I'm more prepared for a moving infant than they were.  Even just a little bit. 

~)O(~

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Papers, Hormones, and Super Powers

Had a busy weekend, and I've started to help my hubby with his second job of paper boy--er--man.  I'm his driver right now, which is fine, minus having to get up way before the butt crack of dawn.  Sucks, because I hardly get the sleep needed anyway!  I was actually up for 24 hours the other day....ugh!  I hate it, but it makes his route easier.  Even though I'm not down with spending freaking hours in the car, at a slow stop and go pace.  Never knew my lower back and crotch could ache more than they already do. You gotta do what you gotta do in this crappy economy; and we really need the money.  That and NO ONE wants to hired a 6 month pregnant woman, I'm convinced.  It's like just by reading my resume, they know.  I don't know how, but they know! 

Or maybe I'm just crazy?  Hormones have a habit of doing that to me.

Though now, he's hopeful for another position, which unfortunately means that I'd have to take over his route because we need the money.  Honestly, I haven't told him if I'm physically able to.  Heck, I can barely keep up with him when we're out and about with my waddle.  Not to mention that the uterus is already beginning to crowd my lungs.  There's no way I can do any route, plus drive, in a reasonable time!  PLUS the peeing?  This is NOT a job for a 6 monther, unless I have a freakin catheter....Spell Checker, that is not right.  Can't be the word I want....Whatever, a pee tube and a baggy attached to your leg. 

If there was a job just to bag the papers, I could do that, but there's not.  It's get up at 2 am, go to the warehouse, get the papers, sort them, bag em, roll em out to your car, and spend a couple hours driving and walking to deliver them.  Props to those who do it, and even bigger props to other preggos who do it, I'm sure they're out there!   Heck, if a heavily preggo woman can work 4 10's in a high paced, hard working environment of a warehouse, I'm sure paper delivery would be a piece of cake for those super-fit kind of women.  Mad props to them.  For me, personally, I'm not comfortable with pushing myself to get some yuppy their paper, especially those who want it placed in a certain position, BEFORE 6:30am, especially on Sunday, when you've got 264 other papers to deliver.  And with my hormones, the moment someone bitched at me, well, let's just say, hormones haven't made me.....all that people friendly.

Most of the time, I can handle it...through clinched knuckles and gritted teeth.  But other times, it's like those moments when ya think it's a burp, but vomit spews out instead.  It just happens!  Shame I can't growl when waters are getting choppy.  Be great, because smart people, at least, would know when to back off.  As an Aries (like many of the horned zodiacs), I've already got a temper.  Though hubby's probably wonder which personality he's going to encounter next, Apathetic Kristy, Beast Kristy, Weepy Kristy, or whoever emerges at the time?  Neither of us can wait until our boy's born, cause I'd LOVE to get back to my old self!  Though no doubt this pregnancy has changed me, for the good and the bad. 

I had a lady at Target call me a "fat bitch" on Saturday...no, Sunday.  Nope, she didn't bother saying, "Excuse me," or even a "MOVE!".  Nope, she went straight for, "I could get through if this fat bitch wasn't in the way."  I slowly turned to see a HUGE troll of a woman in a scooter, her cart FILLED with junk food and soda.  I calmly said, "I'm pregnant.  What's your excuse?"  Then I slowly turned back around and continued looking at the craft stuff.  I didn't move.  I didn't react to her.  She made a racial slur, aimed towards Muslims due to my headcovering (despite that fact that I don't wear a hijab-style, I was wearing a snood-style, but then what's the difference to a Willfully Ignorant Racist, huh?), then BEEP BEEP BEEP, backed out of the aisle, cursing up a storm. 

Me 1, White Trash 0

 Back to the paper route, I'm just glad that hubs let me sleep this morning.  I was so worn out and sore. 

Speaking of super women, Dave swears that being pregnant has given me super powers, with freakish strength and Wolverine-like heightened senses.  lol.  A hormonally charged nose that's ONLY sensitive to foul odors, mind you, including blood.  Can't wait until THAT sensitivity is gone!  Otherwise I might wear a gas mask just to change my kid's diapers, spit up, and puke!

So yeah, busy busy weekend.  Though we did hang with friends and play the adult X rated version of Apples to Apples, called Cards Against Humanity: A Card Game for Horrible People.  Shit was so bad, it was funny, as one viewer said, "Should be called Assholes to Assholes". Not for the easily offended. 

And I did my Shower Invites, which aren't finished, thus I'll make a post later when they are, due to an address disagreement.  My mom and grandma SWEAR it's at a certain address, BUT Google Maps says that certain location is an abandoned building and a run down parking lot.  So, we're going to drive out this week and see which is right, mom or Google.   Which sucks, because we're getting down to the final line.  But I don't want to run the risk of everyone showing up to an overgrown parking lot.  When they're done, I'll photo and posto.

~)O(~

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Double Crap

I got it.  Damn it.  I knew I had GD but it just didn't hit home until I talked to that nurse a bit ago.  Two out of three tests, my blood sugar was elevated, which means I win.  I've been moved to the High Risk Clinic and will be receiving education, equipment, and a prescription on the 23rd.  Crap I should've asked her if I still had that appointment on the 19th.....well, someone from the clinic will be calling me soon, I'll just ask one of them.

Today, since we've been puttin it off repeatedly of going to the Department of Jobs and Family Services, I'm going to go ahead and print out the forms for Medicaid, or which ever one it is.  Medicaid, Medicare, not too friendly to a dyslexic.  But the cut off date for applications is fast approaching, which I didn't know there was one until the nurse at the ultrasound appointment informed us.  And I need to look into WIC.

What a difficult year we've had, between fighting depression early in the year, to hubby losing his great job and benefits, to having car insurance issues, to having problems finding jobs, to barely scraping by each month, and now our car needs work.  The only good thing....well, really great thing about it is our son.  Which now I'm just worried about his health.  Worried about my health.  Praying that the diabetes goes away after he's born, 1) for health reasons and 2) because I want more kids.  Shit. 

But things could be so much worse, health and living conditions.  And this will force the both of us to eat right.  Of course with this pregnancy, I have been eating right, minus my 5th month, but I'm back on it.  Force us to eat healthy and exercise, as that's been lacking lately, too.  But that's something we were going to do anyway when we had kids, healthy living; I didn't want them to grow up eating the same crap diet I did.  As a kid, I was very very active, but I was also fed a hillbilly diet!  Which is kind of funny, as an adult, I love cooking and baking, and my food isn't loaded with fats, salts, butters, sugars, or much else....it's drastic difference between what I grew up eating and how I cook now. 

Things are starting to look up, if only a little bit.  Aside from having a second job, hubby just got a call back from Meyers...Meijers...yeah I think that's it.  Right now he's works for Home City Ice...and well, it being cold outside, business isn't exactly picking up.  His salary isn't set hourly, it's set by how much he sells.  What we need is a steady paying job.  I've been keeping my eyes open for the both of us, mainly for him because he's better abled than I am, what being nearly 6 months pregnant and having my learning disabilities, there's only so much I can do at the moment.  And we have family who're able to help us out. 

I may perform some spells, not just healing spells, but also job and money spells.  Normally I only do money spells when we're in dire need of them, and well, we're in dire need of them now. 

Damn, I just peed myself.  Stupid cough.  Stupider incontinence!  And that's where I'll end this blog...except today marks my 26th week, yay!  

~)O(~

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Damn!


Last night, while holding Marsden--who's doing fantastic btw--I happened to catch myself in the mirror.  After putting him back in his cage, I exclaimed much in the same tone of "I look good" with "Damn, I'm pregnant!"  And a big ass smile on my face.


That's right, not just fat anymore!  Thar be baby, too!  Baby and DD boobies!  It's strange to me, looking down, I don't notice too much of a change, though I can feel it (and soon my belly button will see the light of day once more!), so yeah, it was a bit of a surprise when I looked in the mirror.  I'm still losing weight, well slimming down, as I'm still gaining 1/2lb per week, as is predicted due to baby and boobies.  Due to a healthier diet and all of the internal work my body's doing, I'm losing as well. 

How can I tell? 

My rings don't fit me like they use to.  Now, I'm pretty disproportionate, weight distribution wise.  From my elbows to my finger tips and knees to my toes, they've always stayed slim.  I was expecting my rings to not fit, due to swelling and weight gain.  NOPE. That and my husband is noticing, too, though I keep saying that it's probably due to my larger boobs and belly. 

Everyday, I feel him more and more, often with words of, "Lycan's awake." 

I thought that with me already having a large stomach that I wouldn't stretch out too much, but now, at 5 1/2 months, give or take, that's not the case.  My skin is getting tighter and I feeling more surface pain as Lycan and my uterus grow.  I'm not worried about stretch marks, as I already got those, but now I'm wondering how much larger I'm going to get.  Heck, I still have 3 1/2 months left of growth!

But until then, I've got to plan for a Samhain costume.  I want to do something special for Lycan, and I had wanted to do the prom queen thing, which is a flop due to be broke.  So then I thought of painting my belly, as many mom's do...but 1) I don't want my stomach hanging out and 2) I suck at drawing a moon on paper, let alone painting one on my stomach....  I was going to do a full moon with a werewolf fetus. 

So, now, I'm just going to utilize what we do have and be a Harvest Goddess instead.  I'll use my Roman Empress costume from our wedding night (useful since Samhain is our 2nd anni), and wrap myself with a garland of fall leaves, wearing a "crown" (a wreath) of gourds, grain, twigs, berries, and leaves.  Fits, since for me anyway, Samhain ("summer's end") is the Last Harvest and I'll actually be a pregnant Harvest/Mother Goddess. 

Crazy to think that around Samhain I'm going to be roughly 29 weeks preggo!  I'll be in my third trimester, totin around an acorn squash.  Roughly!  I want to have great picture taken of our growing family on Samhain, so I can add the picture to our Handfasting Shrine. 

Time for eats!

~)O(~

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Crap

So the hospital called and left a message, which is almost never a good thing.  So, chances are that I have GD.  How bad is it, who knows (until I call them)?  But I may start doing healing sessions with myself to keep the GD from getting worse (so I don't develop diabetes after my son's born) and to ensure that no harm comes to Lycan, especially if I have to take medications.  Stupid family history.  But I was weirdly comforted by two other women who were there having to take the same test.  Hopefully they fall into the 40%; though one lady's mom was there and she had also taken the 3-hour test.  Whether or not she had GD, I dunno, didn't ask.  I was trying to read Drawing Down the Moon to keep my mind off of food.  What a droll book...

It's just been a fun week.  Had the 3-hour test and my arms are all bruised.  Four needles will do that to ya, especially when they stick ya with a fifth due to stubborn veins.  Which is weird, because one of the reasons why the Red Cross loves me is due to my "juicy" veins!  She didn't have any problem with the other arm.

Stepped on my ferret on Wednesday night, he spent the night in the hospital while I stayed home crying my eyes out.  But at least we were approved for credit, which meant he got the care he needed (we had no money! Definitely not $586.50 to keep him overnight!  Damn exotic pet rate.).  If he was at home, I would've been worse.  And we don't have any hospital bills to pay.  Someone's lookin out.  We've been continuing the trauma with forced medications for his little turd butt.  But he gets treats afterwards!

I'm a little traumatized, I now hate the corner of the couch and an online game, because that's where I was heading when I stepped on him.  I still feel bad, even though he's okay.  SO glad hubby kept a level head because I was freaking out and crumbling.  Blaming myself over and over.  So he was trying to keep my 25 week ass calm, find a 24-hour vet place, and take care of Marsden. 

It's difficult to focus on healing when you're having a melt down.  And I had to keep thinking about Lycan and not getting too stressed out.  PLUS I needed to calm myself for Marsden's sake!  Even though I kept apologizing to him over and over and over, while sending him healing and comforting energies.  When we got home, I set up thank you candles to the Spirits and a healing candle for him.  Anytime I broke down, I calmed myself and visualized him all better and back to his crazy self (neither of us had gotten a lot of sleep).  Like I said, he's a thousand times better and I'm thankful for that.  Never thought I'd love that stinky little weasel as much as I do. 

I hope I don't fall a part like that when Lycan hurts himself!  I don't think I will, normally I'm calm under pressure.  Partially, I blame hormones. 

Then the human hospital left their message and it was too late for me to call them back yesterday.  I had a minor dyscalculia freak out during a card game with friends last night.  I hate math. 

But today's a new day.  Marsden's improved to where he's now sleeping in his beds instead of on the bottom of his cage.  And I'm going to Babies 'r' Us to finish my registry later with my step mom....who's informed me that she's already done my invitations!  A project that I wanted US to do TOGETHER!  One reason, to include her, and two reason so I have control over what goes on and how they're decorated.  I'm a controlling Aries, what can I say? 

Le sigh.  Hopefully it's not as bad as it sounds.  I doubt that she followed my color scheme or theme.  I dunno.  We'll see. 

This has been one heck of a week.  Whoo. 

~)O(~

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Coming Together

Lycan seems to be a music lover, as he's most active when we have some playing, or I'm singing.  Or maybe it's just that I can feel him more and more?  Eh, a little of both.  Even though hubby has Mega Douche--er--Death playing, Lycan's just squirming and kicking.  He made my stomach move noticeably this morning; and earlier this evening, I was actually granted access to feel a kick or two with my hand. 

We "fixed" the chili; it was more edible today, though I still couldn't do a full bowl.  Instead, like last night, I had two bowls of salad with ranch, cheese, craisins, and raspberries.   Yum! 

I did finally get around to packing some things in the art studio yesterday, or at least clear some space for the crib.  When hubs got home, after adding more sauce to the chili, he put together the crib:






Then he said, looking at his work, "Shit just got real."  In a text my brother assured us that it gets even realer.  lol.  No, duh!  Before getting in the shower a bit ago, I took in my nude self and could actually tell that I have a preggo belly!  It's not as noticeable as most average sized women, but it's there.  I'll probably end up taking a picture tomorrow with our fantastically crappy and poor quality camera phone. 

I hope to get a new camera before Lycan's born so I can do my take of the Venus of Wilendorf, including covering my head and face with a knitted hat, something similar to what the sculpture is wearing.  Heck, I can already do the boob thing She's doing--the girls have grown two cup sizes!  Though they're not quite as perky as Hers are ;-)  My milk jugs, lol. 

Tomorrow morning's my 3-hour glucose screening test.  I just hope that I don't throw the stuff up, after all I'll be drinking pure sugar on an empty stomach.  I almost threw it up last time....blah.  And I'm really hoping that the results are nothing too serious.  If all I have to do is manage my diet, no problem.  Even if I have to take meds, I'm hoping that GD goes away after he's born. And of course, I want  him to be healthy and for us to not have any problems. 


Monday, October 1, 2012

Crying Over Cravings

Not being able to eat what you're craving can be so defeating.  At Quaker Steak, I almost cried when I learned that they discontinued my favorite wing sauce - honey mustard.  Tonight I actually did cry when our pot of chili turned out way too spicy.  Hubby loves it, but I can't eat it.  Even after adding potatoes, soar cream, more beans, cheese, and other stuff..... :*-(  

I learned my lesson of never allowing him to add the spices...even though I told him exactly what to add, let me deal with the peppers after the meat is done.  He loves spicy, and I'm not that into it.  I like some spicy foods, but then again, they're not super spicy like this batch of chili. 

But he feels terrible and is going to make me my own batch of chili and promises to let me do the seasonings. 

Never thought I'd actually get so upset that I'd ball my eyes out over not being able to satisfy a craving...

~)O(~