Thursday, September 27, 2012

Amulets and Turtles

Last night, I slept fairly well.  In my dream, someone, be them a Spirit or just a dream person, gave me an amulet to guard against nightmares.  The only thing that woke me up was just being hot, around 1 am, on the dot.  Oh, and of course, those preggo pees. 

We went to the doctor today, and sitting there, a tiny voice just kept saying "It's a boy.  Boy.  Boy."  Hubby told me about a dream he had.  We were at a friends house to use their pool.  In the pool there was a large turtle happily swimming in circles. 

Saw Little Wren, just as active as ever.  Head-down, this time facing my back, still as uncooperative as ever.  Though apparently, LW listened to mommy and showed us what we wanted to see the most. 


I was right, LW stands for Lycan Wren.  He's no longer an "It" or a "He/She".  All of the Turtles we've been seeing and dreaming about make sense now.  Which I already had my suspicions. 

I called my mom who's more than excited, claiming that my brother and step brother are going to be jealous.  They wanted boys, but both got girls.  Though I wanted a girl, though it's a 50/50 chance. On my mom's side, I've got the first boy.  He's healthy, active, and in the 50th percentile in size.  Oh, and I'm in my 24th week. 

Glucose screening, I called and they said that my blood sugar was high, a 202.  So on the 3rd I'm going in for the 3-hour, can't eat nothing for 12-hour blood tests.  GD is the most manageable of the diabetes and generally it only lasts until the baby is born.  I was pretty upset about it, but I'm calmer.  I'll manage, not like we have a choice.  I'll do what I need to to ensure that we're both healthy and happy.  Meanwhile, I'll enjoy this pregnancy. 



Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Nightmares and GD

This week hasn't been very great, dreamwise, as I've had nightmares every night.  Dreams about fighting with my husband, him leaving me.  Yesterday, it was about nasty ghosts that honestly made me not want to peer into the darkness for fear of seeing movement, even if it's just my mind playing tricks.  Even as the sun rose, I still shut my eyes to my curiosity and normalcy of not fearing the dark or the shadows within it.

This morning, I awoke at 3 am, on the freakin dot, from a dream where I was in a place like Chernobyl...that town in Russia that was hit by a bomb.  Though not with the movie glamor of it, the reality of it.  Only the ghosts in the town were living deformed people, but the real horrors were the angry ghosts.  There was a fear of radiation, since I was preggo, and a very real fear of the deformities and ghosts. 

This dream sucked.  I woke up wondering if I should cleanse and recharge my Dream Catcher?  Or do a walk through with a Dragon's Blood smudge to clear the negativity out.  And from myself, as last night's dream made sense, in a way.

Dreams are the subconscious' way of dealing with the day, right?  Some would blame the hormones, but I'm used to having crazy ass, vivid dreams (the only thing that's changed with them is that I'm either pregnant or a mom in them now).  I don't know about the other dreams, but last night's dream was probably due to yesterday.

Yesterday, we got a call from the hospital saying that they got my results from the glucose screening test.  Call backs are almost never a good thing.  By the time he got home, the lab was closed, but I hopped online and looked up what the screening was for, despite already knowing.  I knew about gestational diabetes, and having diabetes run in my family, well, I felt hopeless and betrayed by my own body.  I spent a lot of the evening crying out of fear.  Fear for myself and for my baby.

Though I started to blame myself, since I was eating healthy for 4 months, then in my 5 month, I started eating more fast foods, fried foods, junk, and sweets, though balanced out with healthy foods and my dietary needs.   I just couldn't understand why I couldn't have a normal happy pregnancy?  Why in the world can't anything ever just go right? 

One of the symptoms is having an unexplained miscarriage, which I gotta wonder.  I mean, most miscarriages don't have a reason anyway, they just happen; more often than you think, too!  I think it's just a guess, honestly.  And they said that exhaustion was another symptom, which I think is more fear crap anyway, because many preggo women are tired and often exhausted without having GD.  It's like those MD sites that pretty much label ANY normal preggo symptom as something serious and something you should see your doctor about. 

And now, I'm seeing more and more commercials about those blood sugar testers.  It's not making me feel better. 

After hubby made me feel better, I did more research and learned that 40% of women fail the first 1-hour test, only to take the 3-hour one and not have GD.  Even those with diabetes in their family.  So that made me feel a bit better.  Also most women with GD get over it after their baby and placenta are born.  The hormones return to normal and the diabetes goes away.  Hopefully it's not as life altering as it appears.  I can do four months of a diabetic life. 

I have to remember that everything else is good and as of now, we're not even sure that I have GD, and that's there's a 40% chance that I don't even have it to begin with.  Yesterday, LW was moving a ton!  So clearly she/he is still healthy and active.  I'm still healthy.  Still eating healthy, for the most part.  I just gotta keep on keeping on like normal, because until we know for sure, everything is still normal. 

But, I'm just scared, as any expecting mom would be.  I've had one miscarriage, got pregnant 6 months later, crossed the 14 week hurdle, and the 20 week hurdle.  Things are going great.  I've made huge changes to my diet and I'm exercising a bit more.  Everything's great.  Then we get a message about my glucose screening.  It's fucking annoying, ya know?  I mean, I guess it could be worse.  My pap smear could've come back abnormal, like my last examination, which said that I could develop cervical cancer.  So that's a blessing.  And I'd rather have diabetes than cancer.  If it continued after pregnancy, yes it is life changing, but it's not the end of the world.

I guess, one of my biggest fears is having a stillborn, after having all of these great experiences, hopes, and dreams...and bonding with this kid.  I just don't think I could handle it.  

I certainly don't want this kid to have any birth defects or any issues to affect him/her later in life due to GD.  Though knowing early and starting on a healthy diet plan will severely cut down on chances of something going wrong for the baby.

It just feels like anytime something's going great, life interrupts with a big ass middle finger. 

What's important now is for us to stay positive.  Tomorrow's the ultrasound, hopefully LW will cooperate, we'll go to the lab, and see what they say.  Make an appointment for the second test if need be.  And continue on.  Deal with whatever life throws at us, like we always do.

~~~ Later ~~~

I will say this, though I dogged on What to Expect When Expecting, reading about GD in that book has given me a better understanding and thus calmed me more than anything I've found on the internet or forums of other moms and moms-to-be.


Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Music, Restrictions, and Phobias

There's something satisfying and special about singing out loud, knowing that the baby can hear me.  My distorted voice and this muffled music.  Hubby will be happy to know that I'm finally playing the playlists he made for LW, too.  A mixture of metal, alternative, classical, pop, folk, rock, big band, swing, jazz, rap, hip hop, R&B, and whatever eclectic else is on this computer.  Though I've yet to do my share of making up the playlists.  lol.  Eh, it's just not a priority, I dunno. 

So I was reading What to Expect When You're Expecting, a book that I'm so glad I didn't buy, because most of the information I've already read on pregnancy sites and whatnot, and other bits that are just common sense, at least in my world.  There's a part on playing music and reading to your unborn child to stimulate them, and some stupid sci-fy thought of creating a "super baby".  Whatever.  But the book emphasises on letting the child know that it's loved. 

Um, duh? 

I don't understand why you can't do both: educate and let them know they're loved?  Why pick one over the other?  I dunno, reminds me of that love and light nonsense, but whatever.  Kind of irked me and reminded me during the playlist.  Not everyone who chooses to educate their child from a young age is going to go to extremes.  Save that nonsense for television.  As a parent, you're supposed to teach your child.  Whatever, I'm probably just over thinking.  Happens.

This morning, at 4:30 am, Little Wren woke me up from a dead sleep, kicking like crazy.  Of course, when I put my hand down there, he/she stopped.  Of course.  Kid's moving now, too.  A bit anyway.  But I ended up not falling back to sleep sometime after hubby left for work.  It was nice and annoying at the same time.  At least I didn't have a job to go to.  Just more unemployment to wake up to. 

I'm also talking to this kid about not being so modest come Thursday.  Tellin him/her that we want to know their sex.  Turtles, Butterflies, or Lion King?  Which is it?  Regardless of LW co-operating Thursday, I'm doing the gift registry on Saturday because I want to.  It's exciting, isn't it?  At least, let me scan the furniture I want, then move on to other practical matters, that hopefully aren't in complete gender biased colors.  I'm such a stickler about that.  I want to know LW's gender so we can stop calling him/her an it and stop using the slashes, but part of me is fine with not knowing either because of the color scheme. 

I'm odd.  I'd much rather be drowned in Lion King, than Pink, Blue, or Pooh.  Come time for the shower planning, I am taking some control over the color scheme and the invitations.  There's information for the invites that I need to have on there.  Yes, on the gift registry, it tells people what to buy, but at the same time, there are women who think they know what's best for your child.  Annoys the shit out of me. 

The only time I've done something like this, was when my SIL asked for a double stroller for her twins.  They wanted the kind where the kids are side-by-side.  That's not practical.  How many doors will you be able to fit through?  So we bought her the single-file line kind.  We also talked about it first.  

  1. Please nothing religious.
  2. Due to my skin allergies, only purchase sensitive skin and non-scented products.  I cannot stress this part enough.  It's great that you want my kid to smell good, but if I can't use it, what's the point?
  3. No clowns or porcelain faced dolls.  I will throw these objects away, due to my phobias.  I am  not kidding.

Obviously, these things will be more polite and shorter, but it's not asking too much.  Maybe I'm being a typical controlling, irrational anal Aries, but....  Though like the wedding, if this stuff does pop up, hopefully I'll be able to exchange it.  But if any of it falls under 3, uh...there gonna be problems.  I don't handle either very well.  But I doubt it'll be a problem.  Who gives that shit to an infant anyway? 

Though my mom had clowns as my theme....::shudders::  I always hid the clowns and yet mom would always find them and hang them back up.  It's like mom, WTF?  Then I had this 6 foot tall stuffed clown that sat on my dresser.  Damn thing scared the shit out of me!  For weeks I'd sleep in my mom's bed.  I remember once, I had to get a pair of underwear, I ran in, grab what I needed, and ran out.  After my parents divorce, my cousin and I set that damn, creepy ass clown on fire in the back yard.  I swear it was possessed!  Like those damn Furbies.  Hated those creepy ass things too.

And dolls....don't get me started on them.  Barbies I was cool with, but dolls?  Oh, hell, no.  Especially the porcelain faced kind?  My grandma collects them, and has a room where the walls are FILLED with those creepy ass things.  Rag dolls I was cool with, too, but that's it.  

Heck, I wish I could do a gift registry with Etsy, as there's a ton of things on that site that I wouldn't mind having, all baby and nursing related.  But most of it is also Pagan related and I said nothing religious.  Just gonna have to wait until we both have secure, steady jobs.  


Friday, September 21, 2012


Had a loooonnng appointment today.  At least the waiting was long, the actual appointment, not so much.  I actually fell asleep.  Good thing hubby was there.  lol.  Went in, talked to the social worker, heard the baby's heartbeat, and left.  Though I had to do the glucose screening.  The liquid you drink isn't too bad, I guess; the after taste was horrible.  We had to wait an hour before blood was drawn, so we walked around the outside of the building.  Then the nausea hit--stuff was too sweet.  I stopped and gagged and a security car rolled up to see if I was okay.  That was nice of him to check on me.  Went back in to sit down instead. 

Got my blood taken and finally got to eat something.  I was starving!  Possible reason why I was nauseous. 

But the doctor said that the only way they can measure my womb is via ultrasounds, due to having "extra fluff", aka being fat.  Hey, whatever, more times I get to see my baby, the better!  So each doctor's appointment from here on out will be a growth....scan...thingy.  Aka ultrasound.  Not the detailed ones that they have up in the main building, just the basic scans.  That's fine. 

I get nervous, as I'm sure many moms do, when I don't feel anything for a couple days.  It's funny, because this kid is sooooo active, even the doctor said it today, that one would think I'd--or any mom--would feel it more.  But I did feel a little bubblin a bit ago.  I thought I had this kid's sleeping schedule figured out, but I was wrong. 

I'm sure that'll change once Little Wren gets bigger.  Is it sad that I just wanna do the gift registry already?  I should wait until we learn the gender (if ever), but I'm just so excited. 


Thursday, September 20, 2012

Week 23 Check-In

What do I miss about not being pregnant?  I miss not throwing up every time I smell something rotten food or dog poop...or dog vomit, or dirty, sweaty husband or raw meat (which all smells spoiled to me now)....  I am not a vomitter, heck the only times I could do it was via finger or virus.  But this pregnancy thing has me doing it at a drop of a dime.  SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  At least it gives me time to get to a toilet...or a sink.  Sinks are my favorite because they're tall person friendly, whereas toilets allow for lots of splash back.  And it's hard enough to get up out of a crouching position as it is.  Though you can't flush a sink.

And the crouching thing?  I dropped some DO in Kroger yesterday, started to crouch down to get it, then decided, fuck it.  Too much work.  How awkward would it have been if I got stuck crouched?  lol. 

If I was wearing my flappers I would've used my toes to pick it up, as sanitary as that is, but I wasn't.  Using my feet more and more, especially when I drop things...or if it's just an inconvenience.  Except the ferret went ahead and "re-arranged" our dvds on the bottom shelf last night...might have the husband do that one for me. 

But I'm 23 weeks!

Yay, no longer an alien!

And am feeling LW moving around a lot more.  The bubbles are turning more into actual kicks and pushing.  I mean, there's roughly a Barbie doll down there, I'm bound to feel more prominent movement.  Soon it'll feel likes there's a Chest Burster squirming around, only instead of an alien coming from my chest, it'll be a human bursting forth from my loins.

Shoot, if I think I'm winded now, just wait! 

So I sent my step mom that email and today she cancelled the event until further notice.  Hey I'm cool with just one shower...just as long as mom and grams gives me control over the colors and the invites.  They can do everything else!  Food, cake, decorations, activities; it's all in their hands.  Like I've said, I just don't want to be drowned in pink or blue, and I like decorating invitations. 

Got a doctor's appointment tomorrow and in a week, HOPEFULLY Little Wren will co-operate and show us the goods.  So I can either decorate the invites with green and blue turtles or purple and green butterflies.....ya know depending on the theme of their bedroom.  But if they continue to be modest, Lion King it is! Which will not make my mom happy, and I just think it's funny. 

That's the update for now! 


Tuesday, September 18, 2012

A One Day Difference!

I just got a message from my step mom saying that she got 9 other messages from people who are fine with her date.   Excuse me?

Of course they're fine with it! 

So she said to move it one day back.  She doesn't get it.  One day back.  One.  It's like talking to a 5-year-old.  It's not in December so it's fine now, right?

What?  It's one fucking day, Dora.  One day!  ONE DAY! One day's going to make a difference?

First Quaker Steak and Lube gets rid of my favorite fucking wing sauce and now this?!

I need to chill out before I lose my shit.  I need to compose myself BEFORE I respond to her.  It's like typing to a wall....I don't.  I'm worried that if I facepalm, I'm going to knock myself out on this one.   Like...what?

My MAYBE stands.  This is ridiculous. 

I'm afraid if I talk to her...I'm going to lose my cool.  People need to grow up and get the fuck over themselves and their petty fucking issues.

I'm going to go clean and get my thoughts in order before I tackle this stupidity.


I left and came back and this is my email rough draft.  The strike outs are what I'm editing out:


None of them are pregnant, of course they don’t care.  One day isn’t going to make a difference in terms of how I’m going to be feeling.

Why not move the date to November 10th or the 17th?  Or better yet GET THE FUCK OVER YOURSELVES!  Suck it up, Buttercup, and have fun at mom’s party!

I want to be able to enjoy these showers, not sit there like an pissy bump on a log, apathetic and uncomfortable.  It’s takes energy to “ooo” and “ahh”.  And you know me, if I’m feeling shitty, I’m not one to sit there with a fake smile on my face.  I don’t want to be the downer at my own shower.  Because yall won’t take the undeserved grudge sticks out of your asses.

Yay or Nay?  I'm not sending it right away, gonna give myself some time to think, then come back for a re-read, but comments and suggestions are more than welcomed.


Sunday, September 16, 2012

Drama Llama Island!

Earlier my step mom called and said that she's doing her own baby shower and I zoned out because I didn't really care.  As usual my dad's side are being drama kings and queens concerning my mom.  None of them like her.  The fact that she's hosting a party for me, even though it's in a neutral location, they don't like it.  Because it means it would be a mix of both sides.  They just need to grow up and realize that it's not about them.  It's a party for me and my unborn child.  If they were able to put their differences aside for my bridal shower and our handfasting, they should be able to do it for the baby shower, too...right?  But lovers of drama, so they're having their own.

Whatever, I can seriously do without the stress of their childish, selfish baggage right now.  

My step mom said something about having it on something 1st.  I heard it as -1st, like 21st, then realized that wasn't right.  Why so close to Thanksgiving?  I got on Facebook and saw she invited me to her baby shower...for December 1st.

What?  I marked "Maybe", lol.

Now she's never been pregnant, so of course to her, this is fine and dandy like cotton candy.  For me, I'm already exhausted and uncomfortable, can't imagine how that's going to be nearing the end of my third trimester....I want to be able to enjoy myself, if that's at all possible.  So it makes sense for me to mark "Maybe".  Right?

Nah, I'm joking, I'd go.  But still, bad planning on her part!  

I sent her an email, asking her to move the date to November.  My mom's is happening early November.  I didn't want to have a December baby shower for a number of reasons: 1) I'm going to be in my Third Trimester.  That in itself has a list of issues with it.  2) It's the month of Christmas.  People are already going to be stressed out and irritable, and rightly so having money stashed or spent on presents for their family.  I get it.  My baby shower doesn't need to be on their To Do list.  3) What if we happen to have a normal freaking winter?  I'm not a fan of driving in snow and ice; I know others don't care for it either; and I'd rather not have them risk life and limb with other crazy drivers on my behalf.  4) The bitter cold makes me miserable.  5) I believe we're supposed to go out of town for the first of December, depending on if my doctor says it's okay for me to ride 2 hours down to West Virginia. 

Tomorrow, after my job interview, I need to call my mom and get the deets of when and where for her party.  As well as a when we can get together to make and send out the invitations (and find out about that family reunion), AND call my step mom about her party. 

Drama Llama Island.  Maybe that should be the theme of the second party.  Not to mention I might have a job by then, and I'm already going to be taking off a number of doctor appointment days (especially towards the end), plus a day for the first party, then  a day for the second party, and finally  for that weekend in December?  All during the holiday seasons?  What?  Damn, I'm going to lose this job before I get it!  Now I get why some companies don't want to risk hiring a 5 month pregnant woman.  They losing money!  Shit!  But this company seems reasonable, I mean they know I'm pregnant.  So we'll see.

Night night for me.

Well we would have to work on invitations IF next month was November like I've been thinking...instead of my most favorite month of the year.  lol


Thursday, September 13, 2012

Dreams, Nicknames, and Unneeded Mini Lectures!

Almost finished with my 5th month!  Call me slow, but the other day I realized that I was finally preggo in September.  lol.   This morning I woke up at 4 am, due to movement and gas.  So it was a combination of "AW!" and "UGH!"  Finally fell back to sleep around 7 am.  After hubby told me of a weird dream he had.

Our dog had eaten one of my dildos whole, and hubs had to help him poop it out.  I laughed my butt off, before saying, "Hey, I'm the one who's supposed to have the the crazy dreams!"  Though I did have one, but can't remember it....but I remember the first dream I had, in it, like so many lately, Little Wren was already born, only this time, SHE was still a baby.  Lately when I have a boy, he's rapidly ages to 4-years-old, then stops.  But the Rylie's stay little.  She slept and slept and slept, much like her newborn cousin Gabbi does.

Speaking of "Gabbi", the other day, my SIL said that she didn't want anyone to nickname her daughter "Gabbi" or "Ella", but wanted "Briella" or "Brie".  Like, you can't tell people what to nickname your kid.  YOU can nickname her whatever, but other people have their own mindset.  So, my other SIL, my MIL, and I are going to nickname her "Gabbi", just to annoy her mother.  I mean, one reason, of many, that I didn't want to name my first daughter "Mercilisa" (mer-sah-lee-sah), is because I didn't want people to call her "Lisa" or "Mersa" (like the virus).  I was fine with "Merce" and "Mercy", but ya can't control people on what to call your kid!

Shoot, my bff and kid's godmother has already told me that if Little Wren is a girl, she's totally nicknaming her "Rye Bread".  BFF is BIG on giving nicknames to everything!  Like she's "A-Cat".  Hubs is "D-Dog" and I'm "K-Bird".  lol  One of our friends is a huge lover of cows, but it wasn't right to nn her it's "A-Moo".  Or "Annie Fannie".  Her nn for A-Cat is "Allie Mae", which has kind of stuck.  And my nn for my hubby is "Duh Dave".

Nicknames are everywhere!

My mom calls me "Kris", gross.  But she's the ONLY person permitted to call me that.  I hate "Kris", I associate it with boys, because my cousin (close in age) is Christopher, who goes by "Chris".  Nothing but confusion when he's around!  My aunt call me "Pepi" after "Pepi la Pew" or however you spell it.  Random cousins call me "Krissy" or "Orca".   And my dad calls me "Kris-pee Creme" sometimes.  An eye-roller there!  He claims I was named after that doughnut company, though mom says I was named after some actress he loved.  She apparently wanted to name me "Brendan" (horrid, since my brother is Brandon) or "Ryan", which I actually like.  Too bad she didn't get her way...

Though following Fauver tradition, my name was supposed to be "Hester Ann" after my grandma.  So glad my mom had a mind of her own, at least at that moment!  Guess it pissed grandma off, breaking tradition and all.  lol, Some of my friends, like A-Moo, also call me "Hester".   Which makes me wonder why on Earth I tell people about that story....

Though I don't know what we'll come up with if LW is Lycan....

But my point is, various nicknames are bound to happen and there's just no stopping it or controlling people.  Even if Gabs goes by "Briella", I'm calling her "Ella", just in spite of her mom.  Eh, unless Gabbi doesn't like it. 

Yeah, so yesterday was a bad day, mood wise.  I was sooooo bitchy.  lol.  By the evening, I'd chilled out and we went over to his moms, because hub's sister is in town (and I love her).  Had a good time.  Ate lots of pasta (which is why I was so gassy this morning), and saw my nieces and nephews.

Oh, yeah, Happy First Birthday to Judah and Morgan!!

At the end of the night, my MIL was about to change Justin's diaper, and I said, "Well, we should probably leave, just in case he pooped, otherwise I'll throw up."

My MIL said, "Well, you better get over that real quick."

I nicely replied through gritted teeth, "Well, I'm only super sensitive to foul smells because I'm pregnant."  When I really wanted to say, "No shit, Sherlock!  My hormones will make me vomit faster than you can sneeze!"  But I held my tongue; a virtue I'm learning about lately.  Grabbing the hormonal ram by the horns ain't easy! 

And another thing, when my mom first learned we were preggo, she tried to convince us to get rid of our ferret.  Then last week, my step mom's friend--who's a vet assistant or something--tried to do the same thing.  Saying that her teacher said that ferrets are known to kill newborns. 

That might be true, because ferrets are predators, but your baby's is more likely to be killed by your cat than a jealous ferret.  First off, I'd be putting that on the parents and not on the ferret.  What's a parent doing that they're leaving the two out at the same time...ALONE?  That's not very hygienic, first off.  You wouldn't let a hamster or a g-pig crawl all over your kid.  And second, if you can't hear your kid screaming and crying as the ferret attacks it, that's neglect.  That's not on the ferret that's on the guardian!

She talked to me like I was stupid or something.  Believe it or not, lady, I probably know more about animals than you do; maybe not medically but behaviorally yeah.  I certainly know about the possible dangers between pets and newborns.  I wasn't born yesterday.  Your newborn is more likely to be killed by your jealous dog than a ferret!

I don't understand how some people can leave their ferrets out all the time, or give them as much freedom as some give them.  Perhaps their home is better ferret-proofed than mine is.  Hey kudos to them.  When Marsden's out, he has access to the living room, kitchen, hallway, and backroom, but only because there's no doors.  He's not allowed in our rooms or the bathroom.  Even if he was in those areas, the room's are ferret proofed.  And he's supervised.  When he makes an unfamiliar noise, I check it out.

When we have the kid, they will not be out at the same time.  Even if I'm in the kid's room with the baby, and hubby's out with the ferret.  Nor will the ferret be allow to crawl on the baby's stuff and vice versa.  She just kept saying, "Okay, I just wanted to make sure you've thought about this stuff."  Um, fucking duh!  Stop assuming things!  Maybe give me the benefit of the doubt that I've done my homework.  I'm like my brother, I'm going to do my research BEFORE buying the pet.  If anything, we're going to have more issues with our dog than the ferret!

Bear's got Chow Chow in him; not a very nice breed.  Hopefully his attitude will change when he realizes that the baby is part of our family.  The moment he shows aggression towards Little Wren, he's out.  Back to my MIL's.  That's because you don't leave the two together unless you know how the other will react.  I don't know about other owners, but my ferret's unpredictable!  I love him to death, but he's crazy as hell.  Knowing that, I'm smart enough to NOT have him and the baby out at the same time. 

And I know that, with the ferret anyway, that it's out of love and care, but sometimes I don't want to hear it.  Parts of me are wondering if the "Ferrets have killed newborns" is just more of that negativity towards ferrets?  Like the negativity towards pit bulls?  When we first bought Mars, this is the same lady who said that it was illegal to own them in our county and that I had to get rid of him.  Riiiiiiigghhhhtt, that's why they not only breed and sell ferrets in this county, but also sell ferret needs and books, right?   I wasn't born yesterday.

Mini rant over.  The stomach hungers....  and I'm sure they're be more stories of "Unwanted Advice" later, as well as many more tests of my tongue. 


Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Chewin the Fat

Ugh, I just want these weeks to fly by!  For the most part, it feels like the past 5 months have.  Just worried that the last 4 are going to take FOREVER, like when you're traveling to a destination that you're excited about.  The trip there seems to take forever, but the ride back is real quick! 

Nearly to week 22, nearly!  Course I'll be feeling this way next week and so on.

My belly's getting bigger, it no longer looks like I'm just fat as my lower abdomen is catching up to my upper and the once deep crease that was my belly button region is beginning to see the light.  I don't think my belly button's seen the light of day, without my help, since I was young!  Now I can wear that shirt my mom got me, "Does This Baby Make Me Look Fat?"  It's corny, but she thought it was cute.  But I can wear it now without the thought of someone saying, No, it's your fat that makes you look fat.

But at least, I'm not worried about stretch marks, because I already have them and don't care.  lol   My self esteem and self love have shot through the roof since getting pregnant.  For the first time in my life (minus being a kid and not worrying about my appearance), I don't have body image issues.  It's strange when reading about women who are pregnant and how much they worry about how "fat" they look.  It's not all fat, it's baby, and the fat means your bodies doing what it's supposed to do!  You gain weight to prepare for carrying, labor, delivery, and nursing.  I'm reminded of how much "image" is important in our society.  Makes me sad that in cases of pregnancy, it can be seen as ugly, unless you're the idea type of pregnant, I suppose.  What's accepted.

A pregnant woman with her bulging belly is such a beautiful thing to me, no matter her size and shape!; shame the idea isn't shared with mainstream society...unless you fit the Idea Woman.  Oh, well, poo on those who try to shame real women into believing that they're fat and ugly.  And a whole dump truck on those who shame plus-sized women for getting pregnant in the first place.  Fuck off, you!

I may not be showing as early as some women (though every pregnancy is different, just because you're petite doesn't necessarily means you'll show sooner and just because you're obese doesn't mean you'll show later!), and yeah strangers may not know it when they seem me, but I know.  I can feel and see the changes and it's simply wonderful.  It only means I have less and less months of strangers trying to touch my stomach (which I'll probably smack someone the first that happens!), or giving me unwanted advice.  If I don't show to the world until month 7 or 8, I'm fine with it!

A few years ago, one of the vain reasons I wanted to lose weight was so when I was pregnant people would be able to tell (though the most important reasons were health related).  Now...I don't care.  Then again, I'm not all that into being the center of attention.  I don't want the special least not right now.  Whereas my mom LOVED it.  She loved the attention she got.  I don't want people to feel like they have to dote over me just because I'm with child.

Like a few weekends ago, at my cousins wedding.  I was hungry, food was going to be served shortly, and yet people kept asking if I wanted anything.  I kept saying, "No, I can wait."  So my uncle went around me and asked my step mom, because Goddess knows that I can't make my own decisions!  Of course, she took it upon herself to answer for me with a serious expression on her face, like I didn't know what I was talking about, or was purposely starving myself!   I was shocked, a bit embarrassed, and a little angry, but let it go.  I didn't make a big deal of it, but decided to be more quiet with my issues when around them. 

I'm pregnant people, not disabled!  I'm a big girl, now, I think I can handle myself.  Thank you!  It makes me glad that I waited until I was in my 5 month before I told people.  Sheesh!  If I need help, I'll let yall know, but until then, I'm an grown ass woman.  I got this.


Every week I'm able to feel more and more movement, though not consistent.  And I'm beginning to be able to tell movement from gas cramps.

This week, it's gas cramps, which start up in my chest and back, then disappear, only to reappear in my lower area hours later.  UGH.  Heartburn more prominent, too.  I'm trying to refrain from taking antacids, instead drinking warm milk with some honey.  Lower back pain is a bitch this week, too, but mostly comes on if I've been laying or laying up awkwardly.  My girls are aching again.  No leakage...yet. 

Of course, I've still got them growin pains, though now they don't seem as painful.  Course maybe I'm getting used to them....even the random jolts.  And other random ass pains...

Last night, hubby joked, "Look, you even walk like a pregnant women now."   Which I correct, "You mean that waddle."

And discharge!

And with the wonderful cool weather, I've had the windows open more (love that fresh air) which is upsetting my allergies, and 2 out of 10 sneezes, I'm trickling o bit of pee.  Acne has returned this week, but my hair and nails have never been more wonderful.  I can barely keep up with it.  My hair grows fast anyway, and now it's even harder to keep up with.  Now I have to come up with stronger methods for bunning so locks aren't hanging out of my veils. As far as my nails, I believe last night's thought was, Damn, didn't I just cut these last week?!

Right now, I can feel Little Wren moving....a lot!  I get that bubbling sensation that some mom's describe it as.  It's cool.  It's a boiling feeling, without the gas. 

As of late, not only is the stomach getting larger and some clothes are getting tighter, but the tummy is hanging out more and more.  And I don't care, thank you apathetic mood swings!   Though, when I'm outside, in public, I'm a bit more modest than that!  But in my house with the windows and door open, I could care less.  You gotta problem, look away! :-)

Okay, the stomach's rumbling, which means it's time to eat, before my stomach starts eating itself.  Blessings!


Friday, September 7, 2012

PBP: Rites of Passage

Here's the link to my second R post for the Pagan Blog Project:

Rites of Expecting


And the Verdict????

Well, with heartburn and hip pain keeping me up, might as well talk about yesterday's ultrasound.  Yesterday was the big one!  The day we saw Little Wren's organs, more in-depth appearance, and gender!

My hubby and mom came with me (mom was jealous that they warm the gel up nowadays); all of us thoroughly excited about seeing the little 21 weeker:

Little Wren's Face

And I finally felt comfortable with telling mom our name if it's a boy....Lycan. "You mean like the werewolves?"  "Yeah."  She started laughing, but liked it.  Which surprised me.  She's just full of surprises this year!

This baby is a mover, very very active!  And is a "stinker", a stubborn little stinker, as the tech said.  Already known, as Little Wren refused to move the way that the techs wanted...or to show us the goods!  That's right, second ultrasound in and still don't know the gender.  My mom was in shock, I think.  lol.  However due to the baby not cooperating today, we're going back on September 27th for another one.

Maybe they'll get this stubbornness out of their system by the time they're born...yeah?  ;-)

But we got to see and hear the heart beat, which was really cool.  Strong and healthy.  At one point, the baby had its left foot up by its face, which illicited a collective "Aw!" from the 6 of us in the room (me, hubs, mom, main tech, tech in training, and student).  And reminded me of those young days of toe sucking (I have a really good long term memory!).

Mom was surprised that I couldn't feel any of the movement, though now, due to sensitivity (the tech's pressed really hard for the images; ouch!) I think I can feel movement once in a while.  Movement that's not gas. 

But the hot question on everyone's lips was...."What's the verdict????"    Our only answer being, "Your guess is as good as ours."  I guess my SIL had a hard time identifying their daughter (for the longest time, they thought she was a boy), which gives me hope that Little Wren is a girl, though I've been getting the feeling that LW may indeed be Lycan Wren.  I guess one of our guy friends thinks it's a girl, only because of their stubborn attitude and the trouble LW's been giving the techs.  lol

Oh and my favorite response being, "Our baby's not stubborn, they're just modest!"  ;-)  I swear, we actually want to know the gender and Little Wren ain't giving it up!

Hopefully we'll learn before the shower!  If not, Target has an adorable The Lion King crib set that I'd love to have for a neutral theme.  Nor is it as expensive as the other two themes I've picked out for gender specifics.  Mom won't be too happy, as she's not all that excited about buying greens, browns, and yellows (for some reason people forget that there are other colors out there!), but she'll live.  And I guess I'll get my wish of not being drowned in pink or blue!


Monday, September 3, 2012

Ain't Got the Energy!

Every since I got pregnant, everything spiritual has suffered.  Well, not so much spiritual as much as ritual.  Things I've done for, now aren't all that important.  Damn these apathetic moods!  My esbats and new moons, my cleaning rituals, leaving offerings, lighting candles, sabbats even, my spiritual norms have all taken a back seat to my mood swings, aches, and exhaustion.  Even doing little things like wearing my necklace....sigh.  WTF?

But I don't feel disappointment from my Deities or the Spirits.  I feel that they understand.  If I could, I would.  "She's pregnant, we'll cut her some slack."  ;-)

Every once in a while, I get the urge or the energy to do something, like light some candles on the Ancestral and Spirit Animal shrines and leave some goodies outside when the Chickadee's call for it.  And they have called for it.  More and more, they're coming close to my door, making sure I see them! 

My Hestia Candle lay dusty when I cook or clean.  Unlit, cold, and barren.  However, once in a while, I light my oil burner, which looks like a hearth and has been dedicated to Her.  It's got two purposes, for Hestia and to cleanse the room's energies.  Two birds with one stone, right?

This passed esbat, I had plans for a great ritual.  I made my Blue Moon Bundle of Wishes (Once in a Blue Moon Spell), I was going to carve, anoint, and light a blue candle, read Moon Song aloud (though slightly edited, as I don't see the Moon as a Mother, but as a Sister), perhaps say the Moon's Prayer, meditate, and really spend some time with Sister Moon.  Then give Her an offering of some yummy champagne (though I can't drink it, but it's my favorite to give to Her [as well as moscato]), and the Spirits, then me a drink of water. 

But....didn't happen.  By the time I had time to go outside, I was tired.  It's amazing how much growing a human can take out of a woman!  Almost 5 months preggo and still exhausted!  Whew, and it's only going to get worse come the 3rd trimester.  But I went outside, didn't feel like walking about the complex to see Her.  Offered my bundle of Hopes, Wishes, and Dreams, mostly in my head.  Poured my water offerings to Her and the Spirit, and drank the rest.  Went inside, put my bundle in the desk, and went to bed. 

I felt bad because I really wanted to do a special ritual for the Blue Moon....oh, perhaps this is why I've heard that it's best for a preggo woman to not do anything magikal?  No energy for it....depending on the pregnancy!  Though I'd love to be like the women who're able to harness that energy and connection with a Fertility and Mother Deity. 

However I am still wearing my veil and dressing more modestly (mainly because it's easier for me to wear a skirt, then pants.  For comfort and those many preggo pees!).  Though last night, I actually left the house without my veil because I had been fighting ants, bathing the ferret, scrubbing his cage, and vacuuming everywhere.  It sucked.  I was exhausted, yet still had to go to the store to buy him more food (the last bag was infested with ants) and bedding.  Luckily, my BFF came over to help me and to drive me to Petsmart.  I just bunned up my hair and said "Fuck it" to the veil.  I didn't care.  I still don't really have the energy for anything today.

I do wear a ring for Hestia, as well.  And I'm starting to get back into the habit of trying to remember to wear my necklace.  Even if it's something as simple as placing it on the table by the door.  I've also dug out that oil burner and set up the Baby's Altar.  When it's quiet or I'm resting, I do a light meditation of sending loving, healthy, protective energies to the baby, as well as doing a light cleansing of myself.  I don't always have the energy for my shield, so I prioritize!  I'm also getting back into making cooking more ritualized and magikal, even something so simple as ramen noodles or cream of wheat with fruit. 

After Thursday's ultrasound, when we see that the baby's fine, I want to start doing preggo yoga, hopefully that'll get me to connect more with my inner Fertility and Mothering Goddess, and put me more in tune with Mother Earth.  And me and the bestie are going to start going to the park several times of week.  I could use some Tree therapy!  To visit the Three Trees by the River, too.

I keep my Deities and Spirits in my thoughts, though they've kind of taken an expected backseat to the baby.  Even though I'm not doing as much ritualistic daily things, just keeping them in my thoughts, is good enough.  I know that after this kid is born, it's going to take a while for things to get back in order.  I would love to get into a habit now of doing simple spiritual things, simple enough that they won't take away too much energy and/or be things that I can still do with a baby around.  Though at times, I'll probably just hand the kid off to daddy and have some mommy time for an esbat or a sabbat or even meditation!

We'll see.  Right now, I gotta focus on here and now, and what I can do, what habits I can create for when Little Wren has arrived. 


Saturday, September 1, 2012

What's Expected

Ugh, gas cramps, haven't had them this bad in a long time!  And more hip pain that not even a doubled pillow could ease.  I hope this isn't a miserable day, cause I've got things to do and friends to hang with later!  Oh, not to mention I've got to clear out the bathroom drains, using vinegar, baking soda, and boiling water.  Hopefully it works like people say, "Works better than Draino!"  We'll see, because even Draino is sucking.  Works for like two days then it's clogged again.  Ugh!  Wouldn't be super bad except my ganglion cyst on my foot gets soft and starts to open up due to the hot water that's up to my ankles.  Given that some preggo women are more likely to get infections, it's more of a hassle just to keep the cyst clean, than to enjoy my hot shower!

So, when I broke the news to family, I got some negative looks when family asked about my and my husband's college careers.  Disapproving looks.  Definitely didn't make me feel any better about my own choice, but ::shrugs::.  Due to financial aid screwing my husband over, he has to paid a huge fee before he can return to the university to continue his degree.  And me, well I've got 8 years of college, full-time, under my belt with no degree(s) to show for them.

A lot of that is due to early on, not knowing what I wanted to do.  I wanted to be a vet, but due to my dyslexia and dyscalculia, it's just wasn't feesable.   So I switched to Photography, but even the Disability Adviser advised against it.  Which I didn't understand at the time.  So I switched to Law Enforcement and Criminology.  A dream of mine was to be in the military, but due to having weight loss issues, I wasn't able to drop the weight for bootcamp.  So I thought that Law Enforcement was the next best step.  In my mom's side, there exists a Wall of Heroes: Athletes, Military, and Law Enforcement.  Everyone had a place on that wall, except me.  At the time, I wanted to belong.  I joined Law Enforcement because it was expected of me.  Because I wanted the approval of my family.  I wanted to fit in.

I worked my ass off, literally!  But found that I was stuck at 245lbs!  Then I learned that no one in my family had faith in me, except my brother....but he knew that I wasn't truly happy with the decision.  He knew where my passions lay, even if I'd blinded myself to it.

Due to Financial Aid issues, I wasn't able to get into the academy, so I switch to Photography, which I loved!  But then took Graphic Design, loved it.  But when I finally transferred to Wright State, I was a Biology Major.  Well, the adviser there was quick to destroy my hopes and dreams of being a scientist due to my learning disability.  So I returned to Photography and the Fine Arts. 

I love the arts, but I suffered the same problems that I had with Law Enforcement, I didn't have the support of my family.  Only my brother, who knew I was finally doing something I loved.  Really loved.  With their disapproval, I now call the Wall of Heroes, the Wall of Shame, a wall that I'll never be a part of, because artists are looked down upon in my family.  Well, artists and teachers.  Because of their disapproval--seemed like I could never be a star in their eyes--my art suffered.  It wasn't until a couple years ago when one of my teachers said that I had potential, that the only person standing in my way was me.  That gave me a HUGE boost of confidence!  For once, someone outside of my family and friends said that I was good (well, had a photography teacher say the same back at the community college years before).  It was then that I began to push and challenge myself.

But as time went on, I was so burnt out on college.  The longer I was there, the more damage was being done.  I was a career student with nothing to show but dozens of self portraits and decades of debt.

In 2011, I began to have bouts of depression, because I wasn't happy.  I was lost.  I was still in college without even an Associates degree.  I began to realize that the university art program wasn't helping me to grow as an artist.  They teach from more of an "Art Gallery" point of view, whereas my stuff was "commercial" and "mediocre".  But to me, that's what sells.  Pieces that the viewer can relate to.  Instead of something so artsy-fartsy but it's just lost on the viewer--the average person.  There's no story.  Nothing, just a pretty picture.  Or something that only other artists can understand.  I didn't like it.  Didn't help that many of the other photography teachers were biased.  Seeing those of us who wanted to do portrait photography or interior design photography as a waste of a spot for someone more....artistic.  Someone more deserving.

With the senior show, I showed off pieces that I'd been working on independently, pieces that I was so proud of...but they weren't "artsy" enough.  None of my photos were chosen and I was crushed.  Where my peers had up to five pieces for the art show, I only had one, a Collograph that I love and was proud of, but I was crushed.  Everything suffered.  My art, my self esteem, my grades.  Towards the end of spring, after the art show, I decided that I needed a break from college.  I was so burnt out.  I needed to find myself again.  I realized that WSU's art program didn't teach how to get a steady paycheck, but how to be a starving artist.  That the only real way to succeed was to be an art teacher or therapist (which were also often looked down on in the art department too).  Which I had considered, but I needed a break for my mental health first.

Apparently it's a break that none of my family can understand.  They're all driven to succeed and I was just a loser.  I want to go back, as I only have a couple more quarters left.  I only need 10 more classes.  Someone said, why not go back now, before the baby comes?  Well, because the only classes I have are studio classes.  Not only are they really stressful, but also EVERYTHING is deadly to pregnant women.  EVERYTHING.  Especially with the classes I have left: which are a couple film photos, 2 digital photos, a sculpture class, and a bunch of print making classes, not to mention more independent classes. 

Doesn't help that many family think that art is just finger painting....

Despite their disapproving glares and whispers of my naivety (because I'm the youngest in the family, everyone assumes that I don't know anything about the world or being a grown up, despite that I'm 28-years-old.  No, maybe I haven't seen the horrors that police officers or soldiers have seen, but I've dealt with my own demons and my horrors)...  I know what I'm doing.

I know we're going to suffer and struggle, we're doing it now!  But we're not stupid.  No, we don't know everything, but we'll make it, because we're determined, we'll persevere.  It's in our blood.  I've never done anything by the book, in the order that everyone else does it in.  I know it's possible to return to college even with kids--my parents did it; shit, many of my peers finished college with young children.  I know I can return to school after our kids are grown.  Even if it's just for an Associates, I'll be happy. We're willing to work for our goals and dreams, even if it's the rockier path.

I just hate how they want me, the one who's not on the Wall, to work in a cubicle in a dead end job; instead of following my dreams, of not letting the matriarch of our family stomp out my talents because they're not acceptable to her.  I'm an embarrassment to them....and I don't care anymore.  I didn't do what was expected...much like my Patron Goddess, Hestia.  She stood strong and confident in Her choice, regardless of others opinions.  I draw strength from Her example.  I know we can be happy.

 An example that will carry on to our family and to our children.  I never want to make my children feel like a failure that way that many in both sides of my family have made me feel.  Not all of them, mind you.  Like my brother (military), some cousins (all teachers), and some aunts (who also have talent, talents they wish they'd pursued); they all supported me in the face of adversity.  I had the ovaries to challenge the matriarch and tell her NO.

We will not have a Wall of Shame, each child will be a star, regardless of their interests and goals.  We will not favor one child over the other. 

I'm a proud black sheep who didn't follow the herd.  I'm a late bloomer with a learning disability.  Nothing's ever been easy for me.  I tend to do things the hard way before I actually get the lesson.  That's just how some people are.  Most of my obstacles are mental, and I know that.  I stand in my way.  I also know that I'm not alone.  I've got my husband, my close friends, and family who supports me.   And a wealth of Spirit Guides and Companions, and caring Deities who've picked me out of a hat because they saw my potential; a potential that just needs to be unlocked.

I'm learning to be a strong person, a determined person.  How to work for my goals.  How to stand up to my fears and push through; lessons that I had to learn on my own.  With this little one on the way, I'm learning how to think ahead for our future.  For them.  Like many, we wanted our shit in order before kids came along, but it doesn't always play out that way.  Sometimes you've just gotta go with it. 

There's a reason why Mountain Goat is our family's Totem Animal, the emblem of who we are.  Perseverance.  A slow but steady climb with plenty of lessons along the way!  Determination.  Eventually we'll get there....perhaps not at the speed we'd dreamed of or what was expected of us, but we'll get there.  Eventually a well worn path crumbles, would you want to be on it when it does?  Not me.

I want our kids to be proud of who they are, regardless of not living up to someone else standards.  The disapproval of others, to me, speaks volumes about their own unhappiness with their lives.  I don't want to put that same pressure on them.  Pressure works for some, but not all. Don't be afraid to forge your own path, even if it's completely by accident.  Just go with it.