Sunday, December 23, 2012

I Have Teleurinesis

These preggo sites need to real up and start telling ya about the weird and gross sides of pregnancy.  Like, for real!  Like a topic of, "What's That Dripping Down Your Leg?"  Well, it's not always your water breaking.  Sometimes it's incontinence, aka a trickle of urine.  Other times it's gravity, aka discharge, which isn't always mucus! 

I got up and was standing at my dresser, felt a trickle run down my leg, and thought, Ew.  Thinking incontinence.  Nowadays, it's trickles everywhere, with just a blink.  Not full on stream, just a squirt.  It's gross.  I need a diaper.  Luckily my mom's bringing me liners in a bit.  Which is funny, because I called her yesterday, asking if she could bring me some light ones for today, and she said that she'd already picked up some earlier that day--course she was thinking for after the baby, which is another thing that some sites save for the hospital telling you about.  Which I'm sure I'll talk about when I go through it.  Don't you worry. 

She asked, "Why do you need them now?"  I said, "Mom, do you remember being pregnant?  I pee with thoughts, I have Teleurinesis."  Which was my little on-the-spot joke combining telekinesis with urine.  And ya don't always feel it until it happens--like there's no urge, it just happens, with a Aw, I just peed.  Sad face.  

Oh, man, last night I drove home, for the last 10 minutes of the drive, he was on my bladder, hardcore.  I was like, "What the fuck kid?!  It's not a pillow or a punching bag!  If anything you're in it's way!"  I made the slowest/fastest weirdest fucking left turn I've ever made in my life, aka I should not be driving.  Because of him.  Him plus gravity were NOT bladder's friend on that turn.  But I didn't pee myself.  It was a race to the home stretch though.  And at the last possible second, he decided to move.  Of course!

Okay, so you know ew, then another trickle goes down the other leg.  What the fuck?  Am I leaking?  So I drop what I'm doing, go to the bathroom, pee, got some loose poo going.  And I thought okay, water breaking, followed by diarrhea, because that's what the sites and books say often goes before labor.  Course the diarrhea part was a new one to me.  But it does make sense with all of that pressure going on down there, and I'm aware that doctor's won't let you leave until you poop. 

I'm scanning my brain, trying to think of what else happens.  Nothing?  Contractions?  N-Nothing?  All I could think about was the Rosanne episode of Jackie's water breaking.  Wait, that's a TV show, that's not going to help.  I've been thinking a lot about Rosanne during this pregnancy.  It's very relevant to my life right now, lol.

But then, I remembered that I ate a lot of Popeyes chicken last night.  Chicken + Grease = Upset IBS (irriatable bowel syndrome).  I sat there longer, waiting for something.  No contractions.  He wasn't even awake (or at least I couldn't feel him moving).  So not water breaking?  Just...popeyes and gravity? 

False alarm?  It's nearly an hour later, still nothing, so yeah, gravity.  I have a little bit of back pain, but it's nothing, typical nowadays.  He's awake, too.  But yeah, nothing.  But I was on the toilet, No, Lycan, you've at least gotta wait a week--that's 4 days.  Come on, boy-o. 

False alarm.  Not that it was much of an alarm, but those sites man, those sites and those books: "If ya feel something going down your leg, you're water's broken!  It's time!"  Course they also never say, "Oh, yeah, by the you could lose your mucus plug," here's a picture  (YUMMY!), "and it doesn't always signify labor.  But you still want to call your doctor..." and have it go into what a mucus plug does.  Just call your doctor if anything odd drops out of you.  Like I said, my mom lost her plug at 5 months (with me) in the shower and she honestly thought she miscarriage, because no one had educated her on the grossness of pregnancy.  Though I don't know how much education existed in the '80's, but still.  So many sites and books are just flowery and fluffy!  Nothing about how mucus looks like vaginal snot and how you can sometimes wipe big ole boogers out of there....but then maybe that's too blue collar?

I dunno, I would find it helpful, instead of the medical jargon, personally.  Break it down to laymen's terms.  I'm not a dumb person, but sometimes it helps to have a comparison of things ya know, right?  Like some pictures of the plug I've seen kinda look like raw shrimp or just a big ole gooey wad of nastiness.  I had another comparison but it went away. 

Like I knew my nipples were going to darken, but they're taking their sweet ass time.  Like one of my nips is all discolored like a Chow Chow's tongue.  See?  It's weird!  They need to mention this stuff!  It's not going to darken over night, kiddies!

By the way, I noticed this the other day, that chick on the cover of What to Expect When You're Expecting, does NOT look happy or excited or anything.  She looks miserable and tired!  She looks how I'm feeling in my third trimester.  Now that's relatable!  I thought that was funny. 

I dunno, maybe they've universally decided to let women tell each other about that kind of stuff?  A lot of this stuff is new to me!  At least I've got a blog and at least one of yall to comment.  Been very helpful! 

Okay, I gotta--how do you do Nude Yoga?  Especially as a chick?  Wouldn't the boobs be all up in your face?--sorry, Ridiculousness distraction.  Anyway, I gott finish getting ready, as my momma will be here shortly


Or now.  Whoops.  lol.

Happy Holidays!


1 comment:

  1. And no two pregnancies you have are the same either, which is annoying. With my son? No changes, really, other than gaining 30 pounds. With my daughter? I have a linea nigra. Argh. Go away, ugly line. Go away.

    Nipples don't always darken (mine didn't with my son, but have with this pregnancy). But, yeah, it doesn't happen overnight when they do!

    Oh, from what I understand about water breaking on its own: if you can stop the flow with your Kegel muscles, it's pee. If you can't, it's your amnio fluid.

    I do Kegels like an insane person - pregnant or not - so I have loads of practice. Heh.

    Yeah, I'm annoying with the comments, huh? But, seriously, the vaginal snot, pee, and more just... They describe it so *cleanly* in "What to Expect" and other places.

    Nude Yoga?! Yeah, I'd have boobs in my face. Won't even try that. But I have to wonder where you heard of it! :D