Monday, November 12, 2012

Broken Relationships

Ugh, after waking from a horrid dream about me planning on cheating on my husband (something I'd never do in a million-fucking-years; what the fuck subconscious?!?!?!?!) and him finding out about my plan, needless to say it twas not a great morning.  Well, not the waking up part anyway.  I took a shower afterwards, then ate and actually enjoyed a cheese omelet.  I hate omelets....but this one was good.  Then again I'm getting bored with food, so, gotta get creative. 

Hubby decided to try to see what I've been bitching about and he's seen that it's a lot harder than it looks!  Counting carbs is evil.  Makes ya see just how carb filled everything is, especially fruit, juice, and some veggies, things that are supposed to be healthy for you!  Flour is my enemy now.  Food commerials, I don't even see food anymore, all I see are carbs. 

Ugh, how much longer of this nonsensical counting?  Eating is a chore. 

So another thing that's been on my mind lately is my 21year friendship that I worry is going down the toilet.  It's funny, a couple weeks ago, she said for us to make sure we don't push the other away, as often happens when babies come into the picture.....yet what is she doing?  She's pushing me away.  Claiming that it's to do with work--she's a teacher--and coaching her quidditch  team.  It's taking up all of her time.  Okay, I can understand that, as she puts a lot of herself into her students.

So I'll send her a text and she won't respond for a day then say she was busy, when I know she checks her phone a lot.  Always has it on her.  But when I wanna do something, she's too busy, or she's hanging out with her work friends.  Or she's too tired, doesn't want to come over and or doesn't feel welcome or some excuse bullshit. 

I don't even feel like I can talk to her, because she'll place the blame on me, and say that we're pushing her away, which is bullshit.  Once, we made a plan to play games the following day and she said that he never sent the text and that she never saw it.  Well, when hubs called her out, she had the nerve to check her phone, see the conversation, and say that she wasn't going to take responsibility for it. 

How fucking immature is that?  No, because it always has to be OUR fault, never hers.  I don't fucking understand it.  I don't understand why she's putting up a guard and pushing me away?!  Why is she acting like such a fucking child?  She's turning into my dad, always the fucking victim. 

I don't have too many friends, and she's my best.  But she's....I dunno what her problem is.  It's like she doesn't care how much this is hurting me; nor will she voice her concerns or be honest in her reasons.  She's putting up this fucking wall, terrified that we're going to hurt her.  Claiming that we've hurt her in the past.  Honey, you've got your people crossed.  Once or twice have I fucked up in the last 5 years, yet you keep on hanging out with those who do continuously hurt you.  I don't understand why she has to punish me--that's how it feels!  Why she has to put up this fucking wall?  Why she has to put up her fucking guard? 

I need to talk to her about my issues, and she's too busy. 

If I try to talk to her about it, she pushes me away or blames me for everything.  I guess she's okay with throwing away our friendship, but I'm not.  I don't get why she's acting so god damn immature.

You said you didn't want to be pushed away....and yet you're pushing yourself away.  What the fuck is the problem? 

You don't want to be hurt, yet you don't seem to have a problem with hurting me?  There's no reason for you to have your guard up with me.  I've never fucking hurt you or used your faults against you like your other friends have; I've never expected you to be someone you're not.  

I'm moving onto a major part of my life and I want you to be a part of it.  I need you.  You're supposed to be my son's godmother.....but I don't know how that's going to work if you keep taking me for granted.  I can't fix our problems alone, nor am I going to take all of the blame for it to baby you.  I'm hurting, too.

I don't know what else to do.  Maybe this chapter of our lives is ending?  Maybe I'm in denial, because I don't want to just give up on us.  I don't want to just throw away 21 years.  I don't want to say goodbye.  I wanna work to heal whatever damage have been done.  I want us to grow from this problem.

Those of you with kids, have you ever had this issue? 

~)O(~

3 comments:

  1. Wow. Good question.

    No, having a child did not cause me to grow away from friends. In fact, I ended up with more friends who did not have children. Oh, I had mommy friends too, but I can't sit and talk about kid-stuff all the time. I need those "adult friendships" as well.

    And maybe you can explain that to your friend: that while you are now a mother, it is still just one facet of who you are. You may need someone who represents and connects with those other facets of you more than ever now.

    Or it could be an ending, but it doesn't to me like you are the one initiating it.

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    1. I feel loads better after some much needed venting; and we're both going through big changes (both with this pregnancy and many other outside issues unrelated), it's a major transition! I think we both just need to put on our big girl pants and have a much needed mending adult conversation. :-)

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  2. Doesn't *sound* to me like you are the one initiating the ending. Argh. Wonky preggy fingers.

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