This year is just.....busy (and this is a long post). I think this is the first year where I didn't dress up as anything, despite really wanting to. Yesterday, there were no plans for hubby's birthday, though my BFF took us out for dinner. Love her. And today, I'm going to make him an awesome birthday and anniversary dinner of t-bone steak, mashed potatoes, and his own deep dish individual cookie.
Then BFF's going to take our photo, probably in Lycan's room, near his crib. A picture that I plan on putting with our handfasting shrine.
I've just been so focused on this GD thing. Of eating right and checking my blood sugar. That and we're too broke to barely pay bills, let alone gifts for each other and party things for our friends. Due to GD, I'm not feeling as festive because I'm not able to partake of the meals and beverages that I normally makes around this time of the year. So it's like, why bother?
Yesterday was my big appointments, the Diabetic Teacher....she was nice but a little bit too............anal? Yeah, that's a good word. She was shocked that I didn't have a set sleeping schedule, despite that I told her that I help my husband deliver papers. I go to bed around 11:30 pm, if I can. Lately it's been a problem. I get up at 2 am. Get home around 6:30 am. Go to sleep around 7 am. Wake up around 2:30 or 3 pm. If not for my help, he's not going to get to his main job on time.
I understand that it's important for a diabetic to have a set schedule to help regulate their BS, but what are we to do? No one wants to hire a 6 monther (and some change), even as a seasonal. We need the money.
Then she flipped out about my gangelion cyst. It's been open for a little over a year. And by open I mean, a towel popped it and the fluid within flowed out, and has been acting like a scab in terms of hardening, but it's not allowing the skin to heal. The more active I am, the more often either I have to drain it, or it pops and I have to deal with it. I'm not stupid, I know this is an issue, especially since pregnant women and diabetics have a higher chance of infection. I've been taking the necessary precautions in terms of treating it, keeping it clean, and everything else. She just treated me like I was stupid and ignorant.
Lady, if I had health insurance, don't you think I would deal with it?
But then, gangelion cysts don't go away. The podiatrist is going to do what he did last time. Lance it with air, suck it out; then I'll be back in surgery having something removed that's just going to come back like it did last time! It's chronic and something I've been living with since my high school year!
Then she nearly had a heart attack about my testing strips being expired. She fucking scolded me, saying that all of my results have been false and that I wasted a week. WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DO WITHOUT INSURANCE?!?!? Ours is STILL pending! A friend, who's been a diabetic for a long time, gave me her extra as charity. She didn't seem to have an issue with them being expired because I needed them. The hospital didn't have any at the time and they couldn't get a hold of the DT at the time. What am I supposed to do?
So she gave me a newer tester, but it only has 10 strips. I need to test 5 times a day. What? We don't have insurance yet. Am I supposed to whore myself out for more strips? So, I'm remedying that by rationing the good strips and using the expired ones until our insurance goes through, whenever the hell that's going to be.
Then she was shocked that my doctor went ahead and prescribed me the pills. She would've started me on insulin. My doctor wanted insulin to be the last resort.
Not to mention this lady acted like if I ate ANY sugar I was going to kill my son. Whereas the doctor, who's a baby doctor and has had plenty of GD patients before, said that a piece of pie isn't going to hurt. I'm pregnant, I have cravings. I can have small portions once in a while.
The DT was just......judgmental for one. She treated me like I was dumb. One of the first questions was her looking at my pre-preggo weight: 320 lbs, and asking if I was sick (because I'm at a steady 300lbs). No, I told her that when I learned I was pregnant, I made drastic changes to my diet. And she shrugged it off like it was no big deal. Like in her mind, I should've been eating healthy anyway, because, well, you know, doctors eat healthy all the time. No faults there. At least an OB nurse and my doctors were impressed. Nope, not this lady, I got the impression she felt I was lying, as she kept bringing up, "I don't want you to be starving yourself."
Really? I don't know what kind of students and patients you normally deal with, but that doesn't give you permission to treat everyone like they're a lazy, lying fucktard!
Good thing my husband was there because I was just so overwhelmed by everything. This lady was precise in her measurements and serving sizes, it was all just numbers and foreign language to me due to my learning disabilities. Plus I'm a visual and a tactile learner, but concerning things, I don't get it until I actually put it into practice. Plus, even though I told her that any breads or pastas makes my BS sky rocket, she still wants me to eat more carbs.
She just made me feel like any fuck ups are going to lead to a still born (even though it's rare). Or that I'm definitely going to have Type 2 after he's born.
We left, hubby bought us chipotle for lunch, I ate, I took a nap, took my BS, and broke down. I was so overwhelmed. So worried that I'm not going to be able to follow this woman's instructions. So scared that I'm going to kill my son. She scolded me for putting a bit of honey in my tea for crying out loud! I just wanted this pregnancy to be over with. I just felt like the longer he was in me, the more damage I was going to do to him.
So no, the DT did not make me feel any better. If I didn't follow her plan and exercise, I'm going to kill my son, or cause him to have other complications. You have to stick to this schedule. You have to eat at this time. If you deviate at all, you're going to cause him harm. I almost felt like she'd been easier on me if I was an alcoholic or a drug addict instead of a overweight pregnant woman.
My idea weight, for a 6'2.5 woman is about 200lbs. The safe zone is between 220 and 230 lbs. I've been struggling with my weight since high school. When I was 220, 230. Bullied for my weight, scolded by my mom about needing to lose weight.....now I'd kill to be 230lbs. I thought I was fat then! Because everyone around me made fun of me! I plan on continuing my healthy habits after he's born so I can be at least near that weight again, but I'm not going to focus so much on weight, as much as on health. I'd rather be healthy than idea. If this was an idea world, I wouldn't have GD. I wouldn't be overweight. I'd have a fucking job.....but it's not.
Hubby came in and made me feel better. I went in and checked what I wrote down, and despite all of the carbs I'd eated for lunch, my BS had dropped from 140 to 114. So I gave her some credit.
Then this morning, I just vented to my husband during our route. How I trust my doctor more than this lady, because even though she's a diabetic teacher, they have more experience in dealing their GD patients. They understand how important it is to keep you educated but not stress you out; keep you positive. I've been a fucking mess, a fucking roller coaster of emotions since finding out about failing the first test.
Technically, I'm morbidly obese, which I just gotta ask that if I'm morbidly obese, what's the huge woman riding around in her rascal? I can do things that most morbidly obese people can't do, but clinically I am! Technically, my BFF who's average size, with her big boobs and child-bearing hips, clinically she's obese. Because she's not idea. It's not just society that hates on the fat, but also the medical field.
And maybe I'm paranoid, but some doctors are out to make money; some will make the situation out to be worse than it really is. Or if you don't have insurance, they'll hold information back from you.
According to my doctors and online, a lot of people have diabetes, they just don't know it, and perhaps will never know it. My husband believes the same goes for cancer. Most of the time, you don't know it until it becomes a problem. As soon as some doctors learn, shit gets blown out of the water and made into a huge issue when it's not. Or when it can be handled without medications and the stress. Just to scare you. Just to get more money.
Not all doctors or cases are like this, I know. Some doctors actually do give a shit about you.
I honestly think I was fine, that Lycan was better, without knowing this. Now it's on my mind every day, every time my stomach rumbles, every time I fight with getting my fingers to bleed. I'm stressed out. I'm worried. I'm scared. I randomly start crying, more than hormonally normal. I'm not enjoying this anymore. I don't see myself as the safest place for my child anymore. The hospital definitely didn't help.
Doesn't help that around this time last year, we learned about the miscarriage. Sometimes it just feels like all of those emotions of helplessness, fears, and failure are coming back to haunt me. Even though the DT said that it's not my fault, that insulin is a hormone produced in the pancreas. It's just battling with my placenta who's producing a shit ton of crazy hormones to help my body carry and soon deliver my baby. Sometimes, the placenta wins. The pancreas gets confused, either it produces too much or just can't keep up.
But what can I do? Just give up? Yeah right, I'm a Ram, I don't just give up even when facing a wall. That and I'm pretty sure that my Spirits would kick my ass. I honestly don't even know why that thought came to me....give up. Why would I? How could I? He's depending on me now more than ever. I've worked so hard to have him. To be a mom.
Yeah, I think it's safe to say that I've been a little preoccupied lately. But my husband's helping me with my meal plan, I'm more active, and I know that dwelling on this complication isn't good for either of us. And I know that things could be so much worse. So I'm trying to focus on other things, even if dressing up for Samhain isn't one of them. Or going to parties.
Hubby's birthday basically sucked, as we were at the hospital from 8 am to 3 pm. Afterwards, I certainly didn't feel like doing what I had planned. I was an emotional wreck; he was pissed off at the DT. Luckily BFF came to the rescue and we had fun.
Today I'm going to honor our Ancestors and the Last Harvest, cook a yummy birthday/anniversary dinner, hang with BFF for a bit. Tomorrow we have our another ultrasound, so we get to see Lycan again. And come Saturday, I get to hang with mom and have the baby shower. Come Sunday, I hope to see my BFF's quidditch game. Then work on Lycan's room and finish working on the house. Maybe I'll start writing again? Focus more on what the doctor's told me to do, and less on the way the DT made me feel.
I probably won't do a ritual today. Just light some candles, give some offerings. It's Samhain, Summer's End. A time to celebrate the Last Harvest of the year. A time to reflect. A time to prepare. And today marks the 2nd year of our handfasting, thus it's also a time to celebrate and rekindle our love, and to be positive about our future. This time next year, Lycan's going to be nearly a year old and the focus of an adult Samhain will begin to shift on him. Or he'll be at grandma's so we can do something special for our anniversary.
By the way, did I mention that we're thinking about changing his iddle name from "Leslie" to "Leo"? Leslie is my husband's grandpa, but Leo is also his middle name. 1) We both like Leo better, and 2) It'll be less embarrassing when he gets into trouble in front of his friends (I tend to say the full name when someone's in trouble).
Oh, I'm so glad that I made this blog separate from my main blog. It's nice to have a place to vent. I feel as though a weight has been lifted. I feel so much better.
And PS pets are great distractions.