Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Nightmares and GD

This week hasn't been very great, dreamwise, as I've had nightmares every night.  Dreams about fighting with my husband, him leaving me.  Yesterday, it was about nasty ghosts that honestly made me not want to peer into the darkness for fear of seeing movement, even if it's just my mind playing tricks.  Even as the sun rose, I still shut my eyes to my curiosity and normalcy of not fearing the dark or the shadows within it.

This morning, I awoke at 3 am, on the freakin dot, from a dream where I was in a place like Chernobyl...that town in Russia that was hit by a bomb.  Though not with the movie glamor of it, the reality of it.  Only the ghosts in the town were living deformed people, but the real horrors were the angry ghosts.  There was a fear of radiation, since I was preggo, and a very real fear of the deformities and ghosts. 

This dream sucked.  I woke up wondering if I should cleanse and recharge my Dream Catcher?  Or do a walk through with a Dragon's Blood smudge to clear the negativity out.  And from myself, as last night's dream made sense, in a way.

Dreams are the subconscious' way of dealing with the day, right?  Some would blame the hormones, but I'm used to having crazy ass, vivid dreams (the only thing that's changed with them is that I'm either pregnant or a mom in them now).  I don't know about the other dreams, but last night's dream was probably due to yesterday.

Yesterday, we got a call from the hospital saying that they got my results from the glucose screening test.  Call backs are almost never a good thing.  By the time he got home, the lab was closed, but I hopped online and looked up what the screening was for, despite already knowing.  I knew about gestational diabetes, and having diabetes run in my family, well, I felt hopeless and betrayed by my own body.  I spent a lot of the evening crying out of fear.  Fear for myself and for my baby.

Though I started to blame myself, since I was eating healthy for 4 months, then in my 5 month, I started eating more fast foods, fried foods, junk, and sweets, though balanced out with healthy foods and my dietary needs.   I just couldn't understand why I couldn't have a normal happy pregnancy?  Why in the world can't anything ever just go right? 

One of the symptoms is having an unexplained miscarriage, which I gotta wonder.  I mean, most miscarriages don't have a reason anyway, they just happen; more often than you think, too!  I think it's just a guess, honestly.  And they said that exhaustion was another symptom, which I think is more fear crap anyway, because many preggo women are tired and often exhausted without having GD.  It's like those MD sites that pretty much label ANY normal preggo symptom as something serious and something you should see your doctor about. 

And now, I'm seeing more and more commercials about those blood sugar testers.  It's not making me feel better. 

After hubby made me feel better, I did more research and learned that 40% of women fail the first 1-hour test, only to take the 3-hour one and not have GD.  Even those with diabetes in their family.  So that made me feel a bit better.  Also most women with GD get over it after their baby and placenta are born.  The hormones return to normal and the diabetes goes away.  Hopefully it's not as life altering as it appears.  I can do four months of a diabetic life. 

I have to remember that everything else is good and as of now, we're not even sure that I have GD, and that's there's a 40% chance that I don't even have it to begin with.  Yesterday, LW was moving a ton!  So clearly she/he is still healthy and active.  I'm still healthy.  Still eating healthy, for the most part.  I just gotta keep on keeping on like normal, because until we know for sure, everything is still normal. 

But, I'm just scared, as any expecting mom would be.  I've had one miscarriage, got pregnant 6 months later, crossed the 14 week hurdle, and the 20 week hurdle.  Things are going great.  I've made huge changes to my diet and I'm exercising a bit more.  Everything's great.  Then we get a message about my glucose screening.  It's fucking annoying, ya know?  I mean, I guess it could be worse.  My pap smear could've come back abnormal, like my last examination, which said that I could develop cervical cancer.  So that's a blessing.  And I'd rather have diabetes than cancer.  If it continued after pregnancy, yes it is life changing, but it's not the end of the world.

I guess, one of my biggest fears is having a stillborn, after having all of these great experiences, hopes, and dreams...and bonding with this kid.  I just don't think I could handle it.  

I certainly don't want this kid to have any birth defects or any issues to affect him/her later in life due to GD.  Though knowing early and starting on a healthy diet plan will severely cut down on chances of something going wrong for the baby.

It just feels like anytime something's going great, life interrupts with a big ass middle finger. 

What's important now is for us to stay positive.  Tomorrow's the ultrasound, hopefully LW will cooperate, we'll go to the lab, and see what they say.  Make an appointment for the second test if need be.  And continue on.  Deal with whatever life throws at us, like we always do.

~~~ Later ~~~

I will say this, though I dogged on What to Expect When Expecting, reading about GD in that book has given me a better understanding and thus calmed me more than anything I've found on the internet or forums of other moms and moms-to-be.


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