Monday, September 3, 2012

Ain't Got the Energy!

Every since I got pregnant, everything spiritual has suffered.  Well, not so much spiritual as much as ritual.  Things I've done for years...eh, now aren't all that important.  Damn these apathetic moods!  My esbats and new moons, my cleaning rituals, leaving offerings, lighting candles, sabbats even, my spiritual norms have all taken a back seat to my mood swings, aches, and exhaustion.  Even doing little things like wearing my necklace....sigh.  WTF?

But I don't feel disappointment from my Deities or the Spirits.  I feel that they understand.  If I could, I would.  "She's pregnant, we'll cut her some slack."  ;-)

Every once in a while, I get the urge or the energy to do something, like light some candles on the Ancestral and Spirit Animal shrines and leave some goodies outside when the Chickadee's call for it.  And they have called for it.  More and more, they're coming close to my door, making sure I see them! 

My Hestia Candle lay dusty when I cook or clean.  Unlit, cold, and barren.  However, once in a while, I light my oil burner, which looks like a hearth and has been dedicated to Her.  It's got two purposes, for Hestia and to cleanse the room's energies.  Two birds with one stone, right?

This passed esbat, I had plans for a great ritual.  I made my Blue Moon Bundle of Wishes (Once in a Blue Moon Spell), I was going to carve, anoint, and light a blue candle, read Moon Song aloud (though slightly edited, as I don't see the Moon as a Mother, but as a Sister), perhaps say the Moon's Prayer, meditate, and really spend some time with Sister Moon.  Then give Her an offering of some yummy champagne (though I can't drink it, but it's my favorite to give to Her [as well as moscato]), and the Spirits, then me a drink of water. 

But....didn't happen.  By the time I had time to go outside, I was tired.  It's amazing how much growing a human can take out of a woman!  Almost 5 months preggo and still exhausted!  Whew, and it's only going to get worse come the 3rd trimester.  But I went outside, didn't feel like walking about the complex to see Her.  Offered my bundle of Hopes, Wishes, and Dreams, mostly in my head.  Poured my water offerings to Her and the Spirit, and drank the rest.  Went inside, put my bundle in the desk, and went to bed. 

I felt bad because I really wanted to do a special ritual for the Blue Moon....oh, perhaps this is why I've heard that it's best for a preggo woman to not do anything magikal?  No energy for it....depending on the pregnancy!  Though I'd love to be like the women who're able to harness that energy and connection with a Fertility and Mother Deity. 

However I am still wearing my veil and dressing more modestly (mainly because it's easier for me to wear a skirt, then pants.  For comfort and those many preggo pees!).  Though last night, I actually left the house without my veil because I had been fighting ants, bathing the ferret, scrubbing his cage, and vacuuming everywhere.  It sucked.  I was exhausted, yet still had to go to the store to buy him more food (the last bag was infested with ants) and bedding.  Luckily, my BFF came over to help me and to drive me to Petsmart.  I just bunned up my hair and said "Fuck it" to the veil.  I didn't care.  I still don't really have the energy for anything today.

I do wear a ring for Hestia, as well.  And I'm starting to get back into the habit of trying to remember to wear my necklace.  Even if it's something as simple as placing it on the table by the door.  I've also dug out that oil burner and set up the Baby's Altar.  When it's quiet or I'm resting, I do a light meditation of sending loving, healthy, protective energies to the baby, as well as doing a light cleansing of myself.  I don't always have the energy for my shield, so I prioritize!  I'm also getting back into making cooking more ritualized and magikal, even something so simple as ramen noodles or cream of wheat with fruit. 

After Thursday's ultrasound, when we see that the baby's fine, I want to start doing preggo yoga, hopefully that'll get me to connect more with my inner Fertility and Mothering Goddess, and put me more in tune with Mother Earth.  And me and the bestie are going to start going to the park several times of week.  I could use some Tree therapy!  To visit the Three Trees by the River, too.

I keep my Deities and Spirits in my thoughts, though they've kind of taken an expected backseat to the baby.  Even though I'm not doing as much ritualistic daily things, just keeping them in my thoughts, is good enough.  I know that after this kid is born, it's going to take a while for things to get back in order.  I would love to get into a habit now of doing simple spiritual things, simple enough that they won't take away too much energy and/or be things that I can still do with a baby around.  Though at times, I'll probably just hand the kid off to daddy and have some mommy time for an esbat or a sabbat or even meditation!

We'll see.  Right now, I gotta focus on here and now, and what I can do, what habits I can create for when Little Wren has arrived. 

~)O(~

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