Monday, December 31, 2012

With the Moon Came the Snow

Whew!  What a weekend!  Was not expecting him to be here so soon!  I'm going to recount Lycan's journey to the best of my ability, and it'll probably span over a couple posts....or all-in-one?  Guess it depends.  Luckily daddy's on baby duty right now, giving me some much needed rest. 

On Thursday, I happily posted on Facebook, "Who's got 4 thumbs and is 37 weeks?  This lady!"  I had just packed my hospital bag later that evening, leaving out his coming home outfit, cause I figured that I'd pick one with my mom's help on Friday, as she was going to take me to my NST appointment.  After testing my BS, I waddled into the kitchen and said to my husband, "Isn't it crazy?  [with being 37 weeks]  He could literally be born anyday now."

Who knew Lycan would be listening, eh?

I was having problems sleeping, as he was kicking up a storm, so I stayed awake, waiting for my exhaustion to win out over discomfort.  I'd posted on Facebook, "Sleep and Comfort?  What's that?"

Then, from my journal:

"This shit’s getting confusing, guys.  Was sitting here at 12 something am, when his movement was getting really really uncomfortable.  Suddenly there was an explosion of pain in my lower abdoleman that spread to my back.  I stood up and walked about.  Went to the bathroom, peed.  I wiped, and I think I did so while I was still peeing, but I couldn’t tell if I was, or if it was coming from my canal.  I wiped and got mucus, but no bloody discharge.  I sat there for a few moments and nothing. 

Got up, came back into the living room, and felt…what I can only describe as a gush, but not a whole lot.  So I clenched and went back to the toilet.  Nothing gushed out though.  I peed some more, and wiped.  Still no show, just mucus. 

I don’t think my water broke, I think it’s just that fungal growth thing.  But I dunno.  I took a shower, because instincts told me to.  Had another bout of BH, but nothing else really.  Still no bloody show or a plug.  No more painful contractions.  No patterns that I’ve noticed yet. 

Shit was crazy.  Not sure if I should call the office or not?  I dunno, guess we’ll see. 

I’m so tired, just wanna sleep.  [...]

Tomorrow I start the treatment for the fungal thing.  Gross.  I’d like to have it cleared out before he’s born.  It’s fucking gross.  Course, like I said, unless he decides on today being the day. 

Ugh!  Achey back!

That’s one thing that’s been instinctual, this need of being in the water.  I’ve never just wanted to stand in the shower so much in my life this trimester.  Not because I’m dirty, but because I just like the way the water feels.  It’s relaxing.

12:56 am, now I feel fine….

1:26 am, ugh, my middle to lower back is hurting and either he just punched my lower regions, or I’m about to have another painful bout of BH.  I feel the pain, then another….gush, I guess.  WTF?

1:30 am, and my water breaks….as I’m looking up what it feels like.  So off to the hospital we go.


True story, ladies and gents, I was literally on a website reading about what a water breakage feels like, from a trickle to a full on gush, when I felt it for myself.  I shot up, walked/ran to the bathroom, as a warm gush of liquid exploded from my nether regions, soaking through my pjs. 

I sat there, calling out my husband's name.  Got up, went into the bedroom and told him the news, "Dave.  I think my water just broke."  "Are you sure?" 

As he called the Maternity Ward, I kept having to make trips to the bathroom, because once it breaks, it keeps leaking (until baby's born, as a nurse told me).  Walking outside, the stoop was icy from the snow storm.  I waddled out to the car, hospital bag in hand.  Fought to open the car door, which was frozen, and got in.  Hubby forgot the ice scraper in the house, almost fell on his ass, and chipped away at the windows.  I tried calling the mom's with no luck, then again it was nearly 2 in the am on a Friday.

I sat there, thinking about Rosanne and when Jackie's water broke, trying to remember if anything else was supposed to happen, like contractions.  But then, that was a sitcom, not exactly real life, right?  Never got to that part on the website, so I didn't know what to expect.  

Ice gone, car warm, he got inside, but the locking mechanism on his door was frozen and not shutting.  So he had to go back inside again and get a screw driver!  I just sat there, smiling, "Figures this would happen when we need to go to the hospital."  THEN, the car got stuck in the snow and we had to rock it out. 

Arriving at the hospital, he dropped me off at, what I thought was the right door, to park.  I walked around the hospital to the right door, up to security, and said, "I think my water broke," as I was leaving a pool where I stood.  He walked in as I sat in the wheel chair, then up to Maternity we went.  Which, I had left another pool of fluid just before getting into the bed....after realizing that I forgot my purse at home. 

My mom arrived around 4:30 am, which was good because I was having contractions and really really wanted my mommy!


Time's lost to me at this point.  My aunt had come.  I withstood the contractions for a while, until the nurse gave me something--not an epidural--to take the edge off.  I slept like a baby for a while.  As it was kicking it--kicked in quick!--I was feeling good!  Slurring my words and for some reason, me wanting to know if there were windows in the room seemed really important, but I fell asleep before asking my oh so important question.   But I learned the answer when I came to and the drug wore off.

I withstood the pain for while after that, even withstood having a contraction monitor, baby heart monitor, and a catheter inserted (monitors up inside the cervix, catheter up the ureatha [spelling? whatever, the pee hole]).  Oh, yeah, and when I first got there, they had to stick me three times for the IV because yes I've got good blood flow, but apparently in my forearms, I've got rolling veins (IV's SUCK).  Thank goodness for tattoos, because it wasn't so bad.  Hurt, yes, but was doable.  Those monitors, though, they brought me to tears.  Shit hurt!  But eventually I couldn't take the contractions anymore and threw my fears of a bad epidural out the window, which couldn't have come at a better time!  The monitor was beginning to hold at a baseline of 40. 

Left leg went numb, the sensation traveled up my leg and spread to my right leg before having effect on the parts that matter.  I fell asleep and luckily when I woke up again, I felt nothing!  Was feeling good.  Was happy, nervous, excited, scared, but ready.  My mom, step mom, aunt, and hubby were in the room with me.  The nurses were fantastic!  I was going to have my baby.

Towards the evening, however, the epidural wore off, completely.  They're not supposed to let that happen, but they only had one guy on duty, and he was busy with a C-Section.  I withstood a spike of 65.  It was the worst pain!  I didn't scream, but just squeezed my husband's hand, cried, breathed, and had my support team watching the monitors, letting me know when it was almost over.  As I suffered, my mom and aunt were stalking the hallways looking for help.  Looking for relief.  At one point, my aunt left the room because she couldn't bare to see me in so much pain.  Mom was behind her once my step dad got there. 

Eventually some relief came, when the nurse checked my dilation, the epidural guy came back with the goods.  I passed out. Was only out for a couple minutes when I came to.  Left leg still numb, right leg numbing...yet I could still feel some pain down on my right side of my uterus.  And it grew.  But the nurse checked me and I was at 8 or 9 centimeters.  The room was prepped.  Fears and tears washed over me, as I was scared that I wasn't going to be able to do it right. 

Hubby, mom, and step mom stayed in the room, him by my head, and the mom's holding my legs.  (BTW, when you're legs are completely numb, that shit is weird.  It's dead weight.  I wondered if that was how a paraplegic felt).  I couldn't feel the contractions, only pushed when told to.  Deep breath in, blow it out, take another and push.  It's hard pushing when you can't feel anything down there.  It's like having a bowel movement, only I literally couldn't tell if I was pushing in the right area.  The nurse kept saying, "In your bottom, not your face."  I mean, shit, it's a lot to think about!  Pushing in the right place for 10 seconds, remembering to breath and curl up, while grabbing your legs. 

It's hard, too, dude.  It took so much out of me.  Each push and I wanted to pass out, just go to sleep.  A few times I had to wake myself up and remind myself of what I was doing!  After about an hour of hardcore pushing, I was able to feel my down there, which helped tremendously with where I was supposed to push.  Cause I was hitting a wall, crying, but knowing that stopping wasn't an option.  Kept saying that I sucked at "this".  Not to mention, I kept gagging with the pushing.  I even told my mom and step mom to stop laughing at me because I wasn't doing it on purpose and was embarrassed about it. 

With feeling, I focused.  At one point, I stopped in the middle of a push, turned my head, and threw up for a couple of minutes.  Luckily they were ready for me.  Shit sucked!

Continuing on, I refocused when I could feel the pressure of him coming through.  My mom kept saying over and over, "Look at all of that hair!" 

After nearly 18 hours of labor, relief washed over me, as I pushed him out.  Lycan was born at 7:10 pm on Friday, December the 28th on the night of the Cold/Wolf Moon.  That pain in my uterus exploded, but I was distracted by them throwing him on my stomach.  I was overcome with joyful tears.  I did it.  He was out.  He was safe.  With a full head of hair!  For a moment, I thought, Who's kid is this?  to  I made that! 


I watched as my hubby cut the cord and they took Lycan to the table to be cleaned off.  I half looked over at him, half paid attention to the doctor with her hands inside me.  She was massaging my uterus, one painful hand in and the other on top of my stomach.  It hurt a lot and soon my elation was violated by agonizing pain and terror. 

I was so cold, shivering uncontrollably.  My tooth started hurting really really badly.  Blinding me to everything except to how cold I was.  I was screaming about being cold and how bad my entire mouth was hurting.  I was writhing on the bed, legs still numb and in the stirrups.  Nurses telling me repeatedly that the cold and the mouth pain was due to the blood I was losing.  So, I was terrified that I was going to die before I got to hold my son, because they were having problems with my uterus clamping down.  My mom said that that blood just poured out of me. 

In agony, I couldn't understand why no one was helping me, why no one was taking away the pain, why no one was giving me blankets.  I just wanted the doctor to take her hands out of me.  They gave me a shot for the pain and to help stop the bleeding.  I was delirious and screaming, acting like a damn lunatic.  People were throwing warm blankets on top of me.  At one point, the blood pressure cuff was tightening on my arm and I shouted, "WHAT THE FUCK?  WHY IS THIS THING ON ME?"  I cried.  I was truly afraid. 

Yet...I could hear the nurses and family talking on the other side of me about Lycan.  As the nurses were telling me about the medication they shot into my leg, something about explosive diarrhea and possibly needing a blood transfusion, I could hear others say how cute my son was and look at all of that hair.  Something about his first vitamin (K, into the foot).  And later, how he was having problems transitioning from breathing in the fluid to breathing air.  But everything worked out when he cried more.  In my terror, I focused on him and eventually passed out. 


When I came to, family were taking turns, coming in pairs to see my son.  I heard the nurses say that they were able to stop the bleeding.  I was all stitched up, had some tearing down to my rectum.  Something else about how I was going to need my sleep from the blood loss, and that if my blood pressure doesn't go up later, they were going to give me a transfusion. 

The pain was gone.  I just really wanted to see my baby.  To hold my baby, but I knew I was too weak to hold him.  I was super thirsty and asked for water, which I actually had problems swallowing it and ended up throwing some of it back up.  My mouth didn't hurt.  I was still somewhat cold, but covered in warm blankets.  I kept drinking water and I had to pee.  The nurses said that it was just pressure, but I kept saying, "No, I have to pee."  In which she reminded me, "You can't walk to the bathroom if you can't feel your legs."  They ended up putting another catheter in me and I was right, it wasn't just pressure, I had to pee, damn it. 

I watched sleepily from the bed, as family took turns holding my son--I was a little jealous.  I really wanted to hold him.  To look into his eyes and see what I'd been working on for 37 weeks to grow and keep safe.  But I knew I'd be able to later.  I needed to rest.  When family saw I was awake, they checked in on me to see how I was, glad that I was okay, and kept saying how precious Lycan was. 

Things quieted down.  I was more alert.  I apologized to the nurse about acting like a raving lunatic--she said she'd seen worse, with a smile.  Then I was transported from Labor and Delivery to the Maternity Ward.  Things got settled, even though the new nurse nearly accidentally ripped my IV out--that woke me up from the grogginess!  I peed.  Was taught about my vaginal care.  Given motrin and vicodin for my pain, and given some lime jello.

Not my favorite, but after a day of only being allowed to eat ice chips and one popsicle, not to mention the vicodin was kicking in, I enjoyed that mother fucking cup!  I ate it so slowly, enjoying and savoring it.  I probably looked high, which I kinda was. 

Oh, then a bit later, I got to eat my first turkey sandwich!  I was happy.  It was plain, just turkey on two buns, with some mayo.  It was divine. 

Then, I finally got to see my baby!  All clean, swaddled, and content.  He was beautiful and did have a lot of hair! 

December 29th

I didn't sleep much, as the nurses kept coming in to check my vitals.  I spent most of the night awake, thinking about the ordeal.  I was a mom.  Our son was no longer inside me and it was weird not feeling him kicking.  Although once in a while I felt movement, as organs moved back home and gas moved through.  And my stomach was deflated.  lol  But...I was a mom!  It was surreal.  Still is a little bit. 

In the morning, I got to hold him again.  Got to talk to him.  He reacted to my voice, now clearer.  Was calmed by it.  I tried to feed him via breast, but that was a catastrophe.  But glad to say that after trying breast pumps, kangrooing (skin-to-skin, chest-to-chest), and some water therapy, my breasts are heavy with milk and are producing collostrum, or whatever that clear fluid is called.  The nurses said that it might take 3-5 days for my breasts to produce milk, and he's actually started rooting when he's on my chest, whereas on Saturday, he wasn't even trying.  But things are starting to fall into place.  Boobs are so heavy now!!!

We were released on Sunday.  I'm still pretty weak and will be for the next week.  I lost a lot of blood.  As my mom said, "He lost the pool and was trying to take the house with him."  It's reflected in my skin color, and lips (in this> picture).  But I'm resting about as much as a new mom can, and I'm taking iron.  Luckily, the grandma's aren't shy with wanting to help...and see their grandson!  My step mom brought us some meals (and sushi) yesterday and today my mom brought some formula, yogurt, sushi, and cleaned the apartment, reorganized the kitchen and finished setting up his bedroom.  She also taught me about the awesomeness that are baby socks and how to give him a sponge bath.  She definitely gave me a break, it's hard when you're drained (literally).  I just have nothing, no energy.  Barely enough to write this post, but I wanted to before I forgot some things.  And there's still more I want to take about, but hopefully I'll remember for later posts. 

I'm eating when I can--still on that low carb diet, only not nearly as strict and I'm not testing my BS or taking the glyburide.  Especially since I kinda of need the carbs for the energy.  I'm obviously still sore from delivery.  I was waddling before I had Lycan, and I'm still waddling.  Though not bed ridden, as I'm making myself get up and move to keep from getting too stiff, but it's catching up to me today.  Whew.  So glad my husband has tomorrow off. 

But he's healthy and becoming more and more alert.  It's still surreal for the both of us, it's just so awesome to know that we made him.  And kind of unbelievable.  Dave didn't want to leave for work today, didn't want to leave him, but I urged him to, saying that I needed to get used to taking care of him alone (at least for the morning, as my mom came in the afternoon).  As for the bad odors, I dealt with my first nasty diaper and only gagged three times.  I didn't run and I finished the job like a good mother would.  I mean, heck, it's just us and he only has me.  What kind of person would I be if I just stuck a diaper over it?  So yeah, suck on that nay sayers, with their, "Well what are you gonna dos".  Obviously I'm going to step up and be a mom, damn it. 


I love him, I love kangarooing with him.  I suck at burping, but I'm getting there.  I don't mind the diapers, but how angry he gets when you go to change him.  I don't like his high pitched crying because it sounds like he's in pain and it upsets me a little bit, but I'm getting used to it.  I'm getting the hang of this new parenting thing.  It'll be better when my blood flow returns.  Each time I look at him, I still can't believe he's ours.  What a journey so far!

What a way to end 2012!  Born on the Wolf Moon, he brought in two snow storms with his birth!  Mommy's little Capricorn Werewolf; and it's funny that his Ascendant Sign is Leo...because his middle name is also "Leo".  With a full head of hair and a hairy little back, it's just so fitting that Lycan was born on the full moon.  Although I told my mom and aunt, who bought me garnets for January that they'd have to find December's stone now.  :-)

Okie dokie do, time for me to pump some more, try to get some milk flowin, and to rest.  My baby boy oughta be waking up here soon for a feeding, too.  Blessings yall and have a happy new year!

~)O(~

Look What I've Been Up To

It was a cold and snowy December night, when one expecting mother's water would break....oddly enough just hours after having packed her hospital bag and while researching water breakage!


Lycan Leo Wren, born on the full moon night of December 28, 2012, at 7:10 pm, after 37 weeks and 18 hours of labor.  6 lbs 7.7 ounces.  19 inches.



I will retell the tale of mommy's little werewolf soon!

~)O(~

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Yuck and Emotional Discharge

What's that dripping down my leg?  Fuckin nasty shit, man.  More of what ya--or at least I--didn't read.  Apparently I have fungal growth goin on downstairs.  EW!  I guess it affects 1 in 3 people; and can develop in preggo women, like it did me, hence the extra discharge and mucusy goodness.  There's no itching, just discharge.  It's not contagious.  It's easily treatable,  just gotta take Flagyl...or something like that...twice a day, for 7 days.  It "resets" the system down there and isn't harmful to the baby.  It's just fuckin nasty.  Like, ew. 

Pregnancy is gross, guys.  WTF. 

And as for my culture wipe last week, I get to take anti-biotics during labor for that whatever it's called.  Which apparently, can cause a skin infection for the baby. Another treatment that doesn't seem to be that big of a deal.  Just some anti-bodies and we're good to go.  Nothing to worry about. 

Just learning whole kinds of weird things!

Oh, and I guess with GD women, obviously they're checking my logs and weight every week (which I'm doing fantastic with), sometimes the babies can gain a lot of weight in the last few weeks of pregnancy, which can lead to complications like the head coming through okay, but the shoulder getting stuck on the pubic bone--I think is what it's called.  So, depending on how my ultrasound looks on the 3rd, they may induce me on the 10th (39 weeks).  Which, I'm hoping that he will either come on his own or have no significant weight gain.  One, I don't want to be induced, I want him to be ready when he's ready, and two, I want to go through the experience naturally (haven't fully decided on natural birth yet).  But overall I want him to be healthy and I want to do what's best for him. But his growth is normal overall, so hopefully I'll be able to experience it without the need of drugs. 

So nasty-ass-ness to the side, I had a pretty good, albeit emotional, holiday.  Mom picked me up on Sunday and I stayed until yesterday.  Sunday went fine, Monday I went off on my grandma, and Tuesday I went off on both my mom and my dad. 

My grandma and I don't get along and haven't since my handfasting, when I wouldn't let her control my plans and all that.  Not to mention, I stood up for myself.  She's a bully.  When she says "Jump" I'm the only one who doesn't, because I have a backbone.  But I'm polite to her, even though I don't respect her.  Although whenever she gets the chance, she's not only rude to me, but also tries to humiliate me in front of people. 

Shit Grandma said to me on Christmas Eve:

  1. "Kristy, get your lazy ass up and help me carry this in."  (me being 8 months preggo, sitting on the chair and her already having 5 people helping her.  My step brother's girlfriend looked me and and mouthed, Is she serious?  I just sat there, shaking my head.)
  2. "I don't know why everyone's treating Kristy special, she's not a parent."  (I literally busted out laughing when she said this.)
  3. And my favorite, my brother asked if I wanted to get a lesson in changing diapers.  I said, "No."  Grandma started to open her mouth with, "Well, what are you gonna do--"  I said loudly, "Just stop it.  All right.  I'm getting tired of this.  One of my symptoms is sensitivity to bad odors.  Hopefully it goes away once he's born.  If not, I'll deal, won't I?"  Well, that shut everyone up, especially her.  
  4. To my future SIL, "People used to treat Kristy like she was retarded because she was big for her age."  She's explaining herself her, but then it gets worse.  I didn't hear the full conversation, but then she said that because of my learning disability (dyslexia, dyscalculia, dysgraphia) that I was retarded and had to be the reason why I dropped out of college.  Why else would I spend 9 years going to college full time, just to drop out?  I had to be retarded.  It couldn't be due to any other reason than me being mentally challenged!
  5. "Lycan's a stupid a name."  I bit my tongue, but was thinking, Well, Hester's a stupid name!

Then at the end of the night, she left in a huff because my future SIL beat her ass in penny poker!  Took all of her money!  It was awesome. 

Yeah, me and granny haven't gotten along since October 31, 2010--actually we didn't get along before that.  The year of 2010 is when she turned into a hag towards because I wouldn't let her control me.  I wouldn't let her have her way.  I was grateful to her for my dress, the venue, and the after-party, and I thanked her, but she was just a bitch the entire time.  Even said, at the end of the night on Samhain, "Now all I need is a better granddaughter."  But like I said, she's cold and bitter towards me, and I kill her with kindness, refusing to let her bitter haggish ways bring me down to her level.  I just said, "Well, you still have Lacey."

So that was one sorta freak out, being number 3 above.  On Tuesday, apparently my mom wasn't emotional during either her pregnancies, but I'm very very emotional this trimester.  I was slightly short tempered and not a fucking robot, and I'll tell you why:

  1. I was exhausted; I haven't been sleeping very well the last couple of days.  So yeah, it's only natural to also be cranky, right?
  2. I'd been having Braxton Hicks for the past few days.
  3. I was sore; Lycan's been kicking the crap out of me.  Plus my stomach's still growing, because my son's still growing.
  4. My  husband thought he'd be funny and dump some glitter on me--I hate glitter.  Not too mention any annoyance is amplified 10000 fold. 
  5. I'M FUCKING PREGNANT!

Every time I stood up, sat down, put my hands on my stomach, went to the bathroom, came out of the bathroom, exhaled, looked tired, had a pained expression on my face from a BH, or anything I was assaulted by, "Kristy, are you okay?"  "How you feeling?"  "Do you need something?"  It was fucking annoying.  Don't you think if there was problem, I would say something?  The only person who got it, was my brother.  "She's just pregnant." 

EXACTLY!!!!  THANK YOU, BRANDON!!!!!

So on Christmas, it was no different, my mom actually took me off to the side and said that I was ruining everyone's good time.  I needed to suck it up and get happy.  It was a good day with friends and family.  I needed to stop being a downer and being selfish. 

"Mom, I'm pregnant.  I'm emotional.  I'm tired."

"Doesn't matter.  I wasn't emotional when I was pregnant, so you shouldn't be either.  It's Christmas."

I walked away and started crying.  Then my husband and my mom came up, crowding me, touching me, trying to make me feel better, and I just snapped, "DON'T TOUCH ME!  JUST LET ME WORK THROUGH THIS OKAY??????"  I stormed off to the kitchen, crying even harder.  I heard my step dad ask my husband, "Ha, are you ready for two of those?"  Implying that I was being a cry baby.

My brother stood up for me, "She's pregnant.  You just gotta let her go.  She's going to get emotional sometimes.  Just leave her alone."

I calmed down and came out, fine!  I just needed to be left alone. 

Later, at my dad's, he was getting on me about needing to get rid of our dog.  I snapped at him, then then apologized, and said, "Just a warning, I've been pretty emotional all day.  So no offense."  So that wasn't too bad.  After we ate, he was typical dad, "We made all this food and you guys barely made a dent."  Looking at me, "It's the holiday's, you've gotta splurge once in a while.  Eat more." 

"You know what?  This isn't about you or me; it's about my son.  His health is what's important, not appeasing you.  As much as I'd love to, I can't just take a break from GD and be selfish and pig out.  Got me?"

So that was the last snappage.  After that, if I wasn't zoned out, I was napping.  Though I had one BH wake me from a dead sleep, it struck my lower regions and spread to my back.  I stood up and it didn't go away, and only got a tad bit worse.  For a second I thought it was the real deal.  I walked, still in pain, experienced another cramp, but when I sat down in the car, they eventually went away and didn't occur again.  Doctor said it's only going to get worse.  Whew! 

Luckily, there were PLENTY more good and fun and festive things that happened over the last few days.  Lycan had a better Christmas than us!  Though mom literally got what she wanted, in terms of the crib bedding theme, which hurt my feelings.  She even said, "I know you wanted the turtle theme, but I liked this better and was thinking of your husband."  I know she meant well, but still.  She got a sports theme, I'm not into sports and I find it cliched.  I wanted turtles or sea life.  And she disregarded that.  That's partial the reason why I cried; I was that hurt.  But what can ya do?  Beggars can't be choosers. 

Other than that bit of drama, baby-wise Lycan cleaned up, and I did have fun with all of the sets of family, which is what I was looking forward to the most.  All right, time to sort through his gifts and enjoy this lovely blizzard with a cup of peppermint hot chocolate!  I start week 37 tomorrow!  Gonna be full term! :-D

Hope yall enjoyed time with family and friends.

~)O(~

Sunday, December 23, 2012

I Have Teleurinesis

These preggo sites need to real up and start telling ya about the weird and gross sides of pregnancy.  Like, for real!  Like a topic of, "What's That Dripping Down Your Leg?"  Well, it's not always your water breaking.  Sometimes it's incontinence, aka a trickle of urine.  Other times it's gravity, aka discharge, which isn't always mucus! 

I got up and was standing at my dresser, felt a trickle run down my leg, and thought, Ew.  Thinking incontinence.  Nowadays, it's trickles everywhere, with just a blink.  Not full on stream, just a squirt.  It's gross.  I need a diaper.  Luckily my mom's bringing me liners in a bit.  Which is funny, because I called her yesterday, asking if she could bring me some light ones for today, and she said that she'd already picked up some earlier that day--course she was thinking for after the baby, which is another thing that some sites save for the hospital telling you about.  Which I'm sure I'll talk about when I go through it.  Don't you worry. 

She asked, "Why do you need them now?"  I said, "Mom, do you remember being pregnant?  I pee with thoughts, I have Teleurinesis."  Which was my little on-the-spot joke combining telekinesis with urine.  And ya don't always feel it until it happens--like there's no urge, it just happens, with a Aw, I just peed.  Sad face.  

Oh, man, last night I drove home, for the last 10 minutes of the drive, he was on my bladder, hardcore.  I was like, "What the fuck kid?!  It's not a pillow or a punching bag!  If anything you're in it's way!"  I made the slowest/fastest weirdest fucking left turn I've ever made in my life, aka I should not be driving.  Because of him.  Him plus gravity were NOT bladder's friend on that turn.  But I didn't pee myself.  It was a race to the home stretch though.  And at the last possible second, he decided to move.  Of course!

Okay, so you know ew, then another trickle goes down the other leg.  What the fuck?  Am I leaking?  So I drop what I'm doing, go to the bathroom, pee, got some loose poo going.  And I thought okay, water breaking, followed by diarrhea, because that's what the sites and books say often goes before labor.  Course the diarrhea part was a new one to me.  But it does make sense with all of that pressure going on down there, and I'm aware that doctor's won't let you leave until you poop. 

I'm scanning my brain, trying to think of what else happens.  Nothing?  Contractions?  N-Nothing?  All I could think about was the Rosanne episode of Jackie's water breaking.  Wait, that's a TV show, that's not going to help.  I've been thinking a lot about Rosanne during this pregnancy.  It's very relevant to my life right now, lol.

But then, I remembered that I ate a lot of Popeyes chicken last night.  Chicken + Grease = Upset IBS (irriatable bowel syndrome).  I sat there longer, waiting for something.  No contractions.  He wasn't even awake (or at least I couldn't feel him moving).  So not water breaking?  Just...popeyes and gravity? 

False alarm?  It's nearly an hour later, still nothing, so yeah, gravity.  I have a little bit of back pain, but it's nothing, typical nowadays.  He's awake, too.  But yeah, nothing.  But I was on the toilet, No, Lycan, you've at least gotta wait a week--that's 4 days.  Come on, boy-o. 

False alarm.  Not that it was much of an alarm, but those sites man, those sites and those books: "If ya feel something going down your leg, you're water's broken!  It's time!"  Course they also never say, "Oh, yeah, by the you could lose your mucus plug," here's a picture  (YUMMY!), "and it doesn't always signify labor.  But you still want to call your doctor..." and have it go into what a mucus plug does.  Just call your doctor if anything odd drops out of you.  Like I said, my mom lost her plug at 5 months (with me) in the shower and she honestly thought she miscarriage, because no one had educated her on the grossness of pregnancy.  Though I don't know how much education existed in the '80's, but still.  So many sites and books are just flowery and fluffy!  Nothing about how mucus looks like vaginal snot and how you can sometimes wipe big ole boogers out of there....but then maybe that's too blue collar?

I dunno, I would find it helpful, instead of the medical jargon, personally.  Break it down to laymen's terms.  I'm not a dumb person, but sometimes it helps to have a comparison of things ya know, right?  Like some pictures of the plug I've seen kinda look like raw shrimp or just a big ole gooey wad of nastiness.  I had another comparison but it went away. 

Like I knew my nipples were going to darken, but they're taking their sweet ass time.  Like one of my nips is all discolored like a Chow Chow's tongue.  See?  It's weird!  They need to mention this stuff!  It's not going to darken over night, kiddies!

By the way, I noticed this the other day, that chick on the cover of What to Expect When You're Expecting, does NOT look happy or excited or anything.  She looks miserable and tired!  She looks how I'm feeling in my third trimester.  Now that's relatable!  I thought that was funny. 

I dunno, maybe they've universally decided to let women tell each other about that kind of stuff?  A lot of this stuff is new to me!  At least I've got a blog and at least one of yall to comment.  Been very helpful! 

Okay, I gotta--how do you do Nude Yoga?  Especially as a chick?  Wouldn't the boobs be all up in your face?--sorry, Ridiculousness distraction.  Anyway, I gott finish getting ready, as my momma will be here shortly

...

Or now.  Whoops.  lol.

Happy Holidays!

~)O(~

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Jitters

Can't sleep.  Can't turn off brain.  4 weeks left, roughly.  36 weeks finally.  I'm sitting here with the pre-labor jitters.  I've been researching epidurals.  What they are, how they're performed, how they feel, and any possible complications, both short and long term, ranging from migraines to chronic back pain. 

Hell, I already get migraines once in a while (though not since I got pregnant) and I have a pinched nerve in my lower back, too. 

I dunno.  On one hand I don't handle pain very well--at all.  Why put myself through the excruciating pain of natural birth if I don't have to?   But on the other hand, the thought of a catheter being inserted into my spine freaks me the fuck out.  Not.  Going.  To.  Lie.  Anything messing with my spine freaks me out.

You're sticking that where?  No. 

The arguments on many of these parenting sites are so....extreme.  Extremely annoying, too.  Ranging from horror stories of tech's making the husband's leave the room (which would NOT be happening in my case, I'm smarter than that) while they fuck up and blame the patient for moving to these Duola's (however they're spelled) and mom's saying that doing anything unnatural makes you a bad, selfish, and stupid mother to others who say don't feel guilty! 

Some of these women, I feel, probably believe that those who're forced to bottle feed their kids are bad moms. 

Like there's no in between here.  No one's saying, "I had a bad experience, but I know other women who haven't." 

My mom has her mind made up: Oh, she's having one.  Thanks mom!  Thanks for making that choice for me!  Obviously, she's had them for both of us.  They were a Godsend for her.  And for the longest time, I was gung ho about it.  But now that reality's setting it and I'm getting closer to that reality, the jitters are settling in and I'm finding myself a bit lost and scared. 

Like I'm tempted to ask the Spirits or the Tarot about whether or not I should have the epidural.  I mean, shit, I tested positive for GD, I don't want to fall into that 2% that also has long term complications, too!  But then there are worse things I could've tested positive for, too. 

I mean, I could tough it out until it becomes unbearable and ask for it, though by that time, it'll probably be too late.  Or I could try it and the first time the tech fucks up, stop the procedure, grit my teeth and bare it. 

I dunno, I've asked a question of my Facebook friends and family, asking about their experiences and if any of them have had complications.  One friend has had 3 epidurals (and two spinal...something or others) and never had any complications.  While another has had two, but wishes she had a natural birth because now she suffers chronic lower back pain.  BUT she's my in between, saying that hers is just one bad experience and that she's known many more who've had great experiences with it.  My ex-SIL also had no complications.  But that's only three out of the many women on my friend's list. 

Yet, in a weird way, my SIL has had two natural births (due to there not being any time for the drugs), and part of me is thinking, If she can do it, so I can.  But for all I know, she's a closet masochist.  But still in a weird way, she's indirectly encouraging me to go a more natural way.

That and I'm the type that doesn't like chemicals in my body--I like more natural approaches to healing and pain relief.....  I dunno!  I dunno.  I dunno!  I know that every pregnancy is different, but that doesn't mean that I want to run the risk of something going wrong, like getting a tech who's in a pissy or nervous mood or doesn't know what the fuck they're doing; or a problem not necessarily connected to human error.

What says you?  Any advice?  Stories?  First hand experience?  Please no lectures, I need positivity here. 

~)O(~

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

About Face!

Startin 36 weeks tomorrow.  I keep checking pregnancy sites like every time is going make the weeks go faster and speed up his growth.  Oy.

Had my appointment yesterday, as well as a surprise vaginal check.  However, there's a reason why I wear skirts to these things.  Never know and I don't have to take everything off.  Just lift up the skirt and remove the underwear.  Easy peasy.  And from now on, my weekly checks are going to be cervix checks.  But at least it's only for about 4 weeks.

  1. My membrane is thin.
  2. I'm 1 centimeter dialated (nothing to worry about)
  3. And apparently I have a flexible cervix, which she thought was odd because this is my first full term baby.  It's already shortened, or "effaced", to some degree.  But she was really excited about it because it means an easier vaginal delivery.  Hey, I like those odds!
  4. And she was happy about my BS levels.  

I was watching Baby Story on TLC the other day (I know, I said I wasn't going to do it, but it was just one episode) and the lady had an epidural and was pushing, and it literally looked like the baby just fell out of her.  I remember watching, going, Well, that was fast.  He was a big baby, too. But it did make me nervous about epidurals, because they didn't keep her overnight--not sure why (most of the women I've known have stayed one night after having theirs--at least until they poop), and she had to go back due to a migraine caused by the epidural. 

I know that when I tell my mom about my appointment, she's going to get all super excited about the dilation thing, because according to her, he can come at "any day now!"  Which technically she's right, but I'd prefer him to be a bit more done, especially his lungs.  I, at least, want him to be full term.  So, at least one more week Lycan!

I'm never taking comfort for granted again.  I was sleeping on the couch because we didn't have the $ for a bed earlier in the year.  But when I got pregnant, it was a need.  Now, in my final weeks, guess where I'm sleeping?  The couch.  How ironic.  It's the only place where I can fall and stay asleep, minus those pee urges. 

It's gettin cramped, let me tell ya.  I do believe he kicked my ribs a bit ago.  I thought a shot to the baby maker was painful!  I'm convinced though, the more active he and my uterus are, the more tired I am.

I'm spending the night at my mom's on Sunday, before she goes into full grandma mode on Monday and Tuesday.  She wants to get some things done for Lycan's room.  She got a sewing machine for Christmas and is in Super Grandma mode, it's funny.  So she wants to make the curtains, bumpers, and a blanket for him.  I didn't have my heart absolutely set on the crib sets that I liked from Babies'R'Us (Turtle Reef and Bubbles and Squirt), but I am set on the color scheme and on the baby turtle/pond theme.  Turtle because I believe that's Lycan's Spirit Animal, and the pond theme because my step grandma made him an awesome blanket with turtles and frogs and big ole fluffy pockets for him to grasp. I love it!  It's my favorite gift for him. 

That's one thing this kid has a lot of now: handmade blankets!  He's going to have a better Christmas than us and he's not even born yet!  But it's greatly appreciated, trust me!

I'm excited to have some mother-daughter time with her, though I think she's secretly hoping that I go into labor with her around.  Call me crazy. 

~)O(~

Saturday, December 15, 2012

Mommy the Songbird

One thing that I used to do a lot, I've recently realized that I don't do so much anymore: Sing.  I'm far from being a good singer, but that doesn't mean that I don't enjoy it, at least when I'm by myself, especially belting in the car.  Mostly in tune with males and the lower voices of women.

One would think that being pregnant I'd be singing a lot to him....but I don't.  I don't know why I don't sing as often, especially now that his hearing is fully developed....but I dunno.  I just tried to get back into it, being in a singing mood, but I think it's something to do with my focus.  Memory.  Not sure.  Used to be able to sing and write a paper with no problem!  But now it's like I get so focused on one thing that I forget to do the other thing.  Maybe it's a preggo brain thing? 

Might be, because sometimes I can't remember the words to even my favorites!

But I know I'll be singing to him.  Hell, I sing to our ferret.  Sometimes our dog, well back in the day when he didn't piss me off.  Sometimes I still do, but not as much as I do to Marsden.  However, we do play the lists that daddy put together for him every week.  Even if he doesn't always hear mommy singing to him, he's been listening to the muffled tunes of some of our favorites.  I do talk to him a lot.  Dave, too. 

~)O(~

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Antsy!

Week 35, I'm gettin antsy!


I keep having delivery dreams, mostly falling on Christmas and New Years.  As I've said before, I want him to have his own day, but he's also been quite stubborn, and as a friend pointed out, he's in an Aries womb.  Boy's gonna pop when he wants.  Most likely he'll be a Capricorn, which many of the horned Zodiacs are quite stubborn.  Mom wants a New Years baby.  I just want him to have his own birthday.  Hell, he'll probably hold out until week 42.  I'm hoping for delivery between weeks 37 and 40, honestly. 

Roughly 5 weeks left.  Roughly.  Emphasis on rough.  I've lost track of my BH.  They occur more and more, varying in strength and duration.  Earlier one wasn't painful, just tight.  During my nap, another had woke me up, hurting.  Wouldn't stop until I rolled over.  They're quite common now. Sleep is hard to come by.  Comfort is a thing of the past.  Once in a while, I can't catch my breath.  And my libido is freaking raging, but due to pressure and sensitivity down there, yeah, not happening.  So I'm just a ball of fun!

Actually it hasn't been so bad, I haven't been so bad, I should say.  Sadly a friend introduced me to WOW--I know, horrible right.  Although, after being a Spore addict, I'm not hugely obsessed and refuse to be.  I'm giving myself an 1 1/2 hours of play time.  Though I am getting sick of it already.  I'm just not a computer gamer, I like controllers, not keyboards.  Plus once Lycan comes, ain't gonna be no WOW time.  At least not for a while.  Although my mom plans on staying in the beginning to help us out. 

I have been checking myself and really enjoying the good things, like the alone time with hubby.  Alone time with myself (get your mind out of the gutter!).  Alone time in the bed listening to my MP3 player.  Things that'll be a thing of the past in roughly 5 weeks.

Although I'm not manically nesting, I've move his bathing stuff into the bathroom, and will be washing his pacifiers and bottles tomorrow.  I've also move his formula into the kitchen.  As for his bedroom, without a changing table or dresser, I can't do much else, except move some pictures around and get the other boxes out.  Plus I want to get one more load ready for Good Will, so I can at least store his diapers and extra wipes in the closet.

After my stress test tomorrow, we're going to get down to the SS office, so I can officially change my  name.  Technically, it's changed, but ya know, be great to not have to carry my marriage license around anymore.  To actually have a social security card and an ID with my married name on it.  Especially before Lycan's born.  It's been on my To Do list since I got married in '10, but every time I remember, it's either the beginning or the end of the month. 

Still got loads to do....

~)O(~

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Cleanliness is Hestia-ness

I'm cleaning!  But not out of nesting reasons (at least I don't think so, like I'm not manic about it).  It's 12.12.12 and although I don't think it has any seriously spiritual significance, I figured I like 3 and 12, might as well do something for it.  Ain't got the peace of mind to meditate, nor the energy to do a ritual, yet....I have the energy to clean....What?  Eh, I'm a Kitchen Witch, cleaning IS more than a chore for me.  And I've got a candle burning for my Matron, Hestia.  Which, She probably has a hand in all of this....

Spiritual Cleansing:
  • Burning Dragon's Blood Oil: Back in August, I wrote a post about Preggo Safe Smudges.  Normally I smudge with a sage stick every 3 months.  For the last 8-9 months, I haven't done that, because some say that Sage is bad for ya, and not wanting to test it out and see if I'm one of many women who have no problems with it, I decided to look for other ways of cleansing, like Oil Burning.  Instead of risk burning myself by walking around with hot oil, I just sit the oil in a room for a little while and let it do its thing, which for Dragon's Blood, is space clearing.  Gotta clear out the negativity and built up residual!  I've already noticed a change in Lycan's room, it's a lot nicer now.  My burner is currantly in the room that doesn't need it as much, the Kitchen.  Luckily it being a small apartment, the scent is spreading throughout the house.  The next room will be the dining/living room, then our room, and probably the back room.  
  • Ancestral / Spirit / Deity Candles Burning.  How's that a cleansing?  Eh, keeps em happy.  It's one of my ways of giving offerings to them, through dedication of a candles and burning them.  
  • Bread Offering.  I'm going to do this in a little bit, which is just tossing bread and seed to the Nature Spirits on our property.  
  • Opened up the blinds - sunlight is a great tool for clearing out any nasty energy, too.  


Physical Cleansing:
  • Opened up a couple of the windows (after turning off the heat); keeps me cool, since I'm working up a sweat, and airs out the apartment.  It's not too chilly for it.
  • Put baking soda on the carpets
  • Swept and mopped the floors
  • Emptied and loaded the dish washer
  • Wiped the counter tops, stove, and sink
  • Vacuumed (which I only have the dinning and living rooms left, takin a break)
  • Febreezed the carpets, fabrics (we don't have a washer/dryer yet), and the sofas.
  • Pick up clothes.  For some reason my husband ALWAYS misses the basket with his dirty clothes.  There's a pile AROUND the hamper.  I don't get it.  Then when I do put them in the basket, the next day, all of the clothes are out because he was looking for something.  But he can't seem to put them all back.  It's frustrating. 
  • Straighten up
  • Hang up clothes and coats

Still Need to Do:
  • Heavy Duty Flea treatment of apartment and pets
  • Dust
  • Take boxes to back room
  • Finish Lycan's room
  • Re-Wash Lycan's clothes, bedding, and towels
  • Wash his bottles, snack containers, and pacifiers
  •  Clean the ferret's cage
  • Wash our bedding  (so much washing needs to be done!)
  • Clean the bathroom

That's all I can think of for now.  Though I'm sure when the nesting kicks in, the most ridiculous things will NEED TO BE CLEANED!!!!  Like PS3 controllers and odd things like that.  Oh yeah, plus we still need to install the car seat and put a hospital bag in the car....  Which I already know what I'm packing:

  • A change of clothes for me
  • Coming home clothes for him
  • The Little Miracles booklet from the hospital
  • MP3
  • Camera + batteries
  • Word Search 
  • Pens and a notebook

Mostly entertainment, because I know that the hospital provides a lot of other stuff.  Oh, yeah, and a breast pump, if I have one by then.  Even if for some reason he doesn't take to the boob I can still feed him my breast milk.  IF for some reason I don't produce enough or any milk, my mommy bought us cases of sensitive formula.  Sensitive because I had digestive problems with I was a baby (my mom also didn't produce any milk), so we're just being prepared.  But I'm hoping we don't have any problems.

Ugh, okay, time to finish vaccuming and anything else IF I have the energy for it!

PS I am really craving my step mom's chocolate fudge, cabbage soup, chocolate with peppermint crumbles, and a cheese stick that's 95% melted three cheese, 3% sauce, and 2% bread, no grease.   Like seriously, it's driving me crazy.  Oh and a Grey Hound from Hot Dawgs......

Tomorrow gonna be 35 weeks!

~)O(~

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Gettin the Point Across

Tell me why I yelled at a woman in the welfare office today.  I had to get through and said, "Excuse me" and everything.  She leaned forward a little bit.  She didn't even move her chair.

"Ma'am, you need to move."
"Just suck it in."
"I'm 8 months pregnant, there is no 'sucking it in'.  So either lose a shit ton of weight right now or move your fucking fat lazy ass out of my way."

Aries + Hormones + Bitchy People does not equal a nice Witchfire.  I said it loud, dude.  Everyone in the room was staring.  I was pissed.  Like, are you, are you serious?  Clearly I'm pregnant.  But it's cool, I can just pop out my baby and squeeze through to not bother you, even though you and your gut are blocking the way.  It's cool.  I understand. 

Bitch huffed and puffed and moved.  Then I thanked her with a sweet smile, and went about my day.


Other than that, my day's been pretty good.  No bitchy nurses, no bitchy doctors.  Just happiness.  Happiness, more sleep, crotch punches, and Braxon Hicks.  Oh and incontinence.  This morning, for the cup, I couldn't stop the flow.  Me and the pee cup just don't get along.  Think I need to get back on my kegel exercises.  Then I coughed and peed a little at the welfare office.  Oh, then someone's sick kid threw up and that started my gagging.  Good thing I only had water, vitamins, and yogurt in my stomach.  Could've gotten ugly, especially since there were other preggos there, too; had the power of starting a domino effect of vomiting.

Doctor was impressed with my weight (gained what I was supposed to) and sugar levels--only had one high spike (130) which was last night.  She said that my glyburide could go up to 10 mgs, if needed.  Never even mentioned insulin, unlike the last doctors who were all apocalyptic about it.  Now I know and knowings half the battle.  

Although the percentage of women who get diabetes after pregnancy keeps increasing.  Before and online, it's 90-95% of women don't get diabetes, to now 50% of women get it.  Like, which is it?  I almost feel like if I was average weight I wouldn't be hearing these crazy numbers.  Or that crazy "stillborn's are rare, but you're at a higher risk of it happening".  Which is it?  Rare or not?  I didn't fail English, but apparently you did.  I know what rare means. 

Oh yeah, and last week the sonographer said that Lycan was in the 63rd percentile.  Today, the doctor told me 69th.  What the fuck?  It is just me and my dyslexia, or are yall a little dyslexic, too?  It makes sense if I'm hearing things wrong, isn't the first time.  But yall are supposed to know what you're talking about, my chart's right there in front of you.

Numbers aside, I have to go back 6 weeks after he's born for a 2 hour sugar test to see if I have diabetes.  Fingers crossed that I'm not one of those who do.  Today's not over yet, still got another stress test later.  Gonna try to catch a nap before then. 

~)O(~

Sunday, December 9, 2012

The Preggo Brain is the Worse Right Now

Ugh, I am tired today.  Went to bed at a reasonable time, though I just laid there.  Put on Monsters, Inc, was having some Braxton Hicks combined with growing pains.  For a couple minutes I actually thought it was actual contractions, because the pain was lower, stabby, coupled with lower back pain, and actually came at intervals, though they weren't patterned....er, whatever, they were random.  So lower stabby pain, combined with hip pain that couldn't be soothed by pillows between the legs, lower back pain that eventually went away.  Me putting on another movie, Toy Story, knee acting up.  Ugh, I don't think I fell asleep until 2 or 3 am. 

Not to mention I was just laying there trying to get comfortable, Lycan was punching and doing his thing, which made the growing pains worse--he actually gave me a low blow yesterday afternoon!  Right in the baby maker, man.  While I was thinking about possibly actually have real contractions, my mind was speeding to pleading that it wasn't.  To me silently pleading with Lycan to please wait until I'm at least in my 37th week, 39th preferable, but at least 37. 

After I was sure it was just growing pains, still couldn't turn my brain off.  Not even with Toy Story distracting me! 

Then this morning, my growling stomach woke me up super early.  So now I'm all tired and shit.  I'd nap but the thought of just laying there all uncomfortable is not an appealing idea. 

Ha. Ha. Ha.  I totally got distracted by wanting to make salt dough and forgot I was working on this post.  Oh, preggo brain is wonderful!

But timeline wise, I'm going with the hubs on what's left and according to that counter, it's roughly 5 weeks and 4 days.  Better than 8 weeks.  Hopefully Lycan agrees and isn't a late baby like his dad.  My husband, true to the Wren nature of being late, was like a week or two late.  Whereas I true to my nature of being early or on time, was actually one day early. 

Things I will NOT miss once he's born:

  • Peeing when laughing, sneezing, coughing, blinking, or thinking.
  • Sore boobs
  • Growing pains
  • Sensitive vaginal canal (I miss sex!)
  • Sensitive lower regions, period
  • These freakin rashes due to being super moist!
  • Restless nights due to hip pain
  • Gestational Diabetes
  • Braxton Hicks
  • Preggo brain (cuz I had a list that I can't remember now....)
  • Tummy discomforts
  • Crowded Lungs
  • Super sensitivity to bad odors
  • Super sensitive gag reflex
  • Not being able to eat sushi (that's a given, the one thing I've been complaining about the most lately, lol)
  • and some other shit....

Some things I don't mind, like the vag boogers, the apathetic moods, the....I dunno, I can't think right now.  I don't mind not having my period....it's been a nice break from poons and midol.  Poons being what I call tampons.  Though it also won't be so bad going back to them either, especially since we want more kids.  Preferably when Lycan's at least 3 or 4.  I just don't want there to be a huge gap between him and his other siblings.  Me and my brother are 6.5 years apart and we aren't close at all.  Though we're working on it as adults.  Whereas my step brother and I are 3 or 4 years apart and we were close growing up; not so much now due to his life choices, but you know.  Just kind of sucks when you learn that your brother is closer with his wife's siblings than he is with you. 

My husband has 3 siblings, two of which he's close with in age and in relationship, but not his younger brother, who's...is it a nine year gap?  That doesn't seem right, but it's close. 

Sometimes I find myself a bit jealous of my husband or even of my BFF, who have such close relationships with their siblings.  Or at least closer than what I have with mine.  We're both to blame, but like I said, it's a work in progress, especially since he wants the cousins to be close, like we were with our cousins.  Now that we're in the same state, things are easier.

...anyway back to the baby stuffs...

I think I'm going to miss feeling Lycan move inside me.  And hubs made a good point, that when he is out and moving, I'm gonna be saying, be wishing he was back in the womb, cuz then it was easier to keep up with him. 

Aw, sweet, time to test the BS so I can eat!

~)O(~

Thursday, December 6, 2012

How Long?

Other sources say I have roughly 8 weeks left, but hubby says I have roughly 6.  Who's right here?  Other sites are counting til week 42 (after I put in my due date, which is January 17), and he's counting til my due date (which puts me at 40 weeks).  According to the ultrasound Lycan measures at 34 weeks....

I'm confused. 

Lycan'll be done when he says so. 

So yeah, had my third Braxton Hick's this week.  Didn't hurt, just a tightening that had me taking deep breaths.  But hubby also got to feel the hardening. That's actually how we got on the topic of time left. 

BH Count so far:
Friday- 1:40 am
Tuesday- Early in the am
Thursday- 3-ish pm

Ugh and now I'm tired as hell.  Think I'm going to nap for a little bit.  Damn...I gotta eat lunch first.  UUUUGGGHHHH!

~)O(~

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Roughly 8 Weeks Left...

Ugh, today was just a day that I wanted to lay in bed and not do anything.  But alas, I got up late, around 1 or 2 pm, when I normally eat breakfast around 11, 11:30 (or earlier).  Whoops.  So that threw my eating schedule out of whack, which for diabetes it's important to be on one.  Ended up eating around 2.  Then on Facebook, I was thrown into a tangent about this ridiculous War of Christmas and ranted about that for a couple hours (which I'm done with now, I shant be ranting about it at all this month because that's not the reason for the season!), but I missed testing my BS.  And I've just eaten my pre-lunch snack at 6:15 pm.  So everything's out of whack.  ::sigh::

Depending on how hungry I am, I may just turn lunch into dinner, and eat a pm snack instead of trying to play catch up. 

It's taken discipline to eat right, not pig out, and to even get on a schedule.  Blah.  Hopefully there's only roughly 8 weeks left.  Even though I can't have pancakes like I'm craving, mommy's making me Bahama Mama's and saur kraut on the 25th.  Yum. 

Man, I want some pancakes....

Yesterday was my three (out of four) appointments for this week.  They checked my logs, and I had different doctors who, even though I think I'm doing great, scolded me a bit with cutting back on my carbs.  And even mentioned insulin.  The last doctor I had didn't see a problem, and was even impressed that I'm doing well, but not these doctors.  Like, what the fuck?  This shit's confusing.  Am I doing good, or am I not?  I'm keeping my BS between 89 and 125, it's 5 points over, but even my end-of-the-world diabetic teacher said that going over sometimes was going to happen.  Last week, I only had two high spikes, a 140 and a 150.  But I was able to get them back down.  I don't get this shit sometimes. 

Last time I checked, it's wasn't good to stress out a pregnant woman.  Next pregnancy, we're having health insurance before, hopefully no clinic for us.  I would like to have one doctor.  One personality, please!

They listened to his heartbeat, which Lycan kicked the device.  Good boy.  His heart is strong and normal.  And he's clearly responsive.   (and I'm doing my fetal counts)

Later, I had my stress test, which he did well on.  No need to buzz him.  He was awake and moving, which was fun for us because we got to watch those tummy sensors move about. 

Then had my ultrasound, which he was good on, too.  He's head down, but refused to show us his face.  Eh, he was cooperative most of the day.  Can't get too mad, seems like he wants to save his face for his birthday.  But I have another ultrasound on January 3rd, unless, obviously he decides it's time.  (which I'm really hoping that he's not born on the Solstice, Christmas, or New Year's, because I want him to have his own day, but if it happens, it happens; as long as we're healthy and happy). 

Lycan's 5 lbs and is in the 63rd percentile.  Even with their knowledge of my GD, my sonographers aren't worried about his size or weight, which I'm sure next week, my doctors are going to flip out about it and probably start me on insulin.  Depending on who I have.

Now I'm up to three appointments a week.  Two on Tuesdays and one on Fridays. I knew it was going to increase, I just didn't realize it would be so soon.

Oh, yeah, funny thing we did to pass the time...and waste a lot of their paper towels in the examination room, hubby and I batted balls of paper at each other.  I guess this is what people do who don't have super phones.  We make a mess.  It was fun.  Especially when he bonked his head on a stir up--getting a ball--and I, for some reason, thought it was the funniest thing and couldn't stop laughing.  Actually had tears and snot of joy, instead of depressed GD worries.  A nice change. 

But tomorrow I'll be 34 weeks preggo!  Yay!  Soon my vaginal and hip discomforts will be a thing of the past, replaced by boob soreness and lack of sleep!  Placenta will be gone, hormones will be normal-ish, and hopefully my GD will fade into nothing.  Oh, and I'll be able to have sex again.  And of course, sushi.  Though I think I'm craving chocolate more right now...and peppermint. 

~)O(~

Sunday, December 2, 2012

EW!

Man, sometimes pregnancy is weird and gross!  So vaginal discharge, right?  I've been having the typical lubey discharge, but lately since I've started my 8th month, it's increased in volume and in...consistency?  Like, I just wiped and what can only be described a vaginal snot was on my toilet paper.  It was like a big ole milky white, slightly cold to the touch (yes, I touched it), booger.  I'm aware of what the mucus plug is and looks like, so I'm not too worried about that, since some sites and forum's have said that it's okay if it's just a little and often does increase late in pregnancy.  But still.  Gross.

When she was pregnant with me, my mom actually lost hers at 5 months (and I was a day early from my due date). 

Good thing I'm seeing my doctor on Tuesday.  I can bring it up then, unless something changes.  8th month has yielded some interesting things.  First I experienced Braxton Hicks early Friday morning.  That was strange, felt like one giant stomach cramp that stretched all across my stomach, and my uterus got really hard.  It was an uncomfortable sensation that lasted for a couple of minutes, even with walking around!  The first thing I did was drink lots of water before it even hit me what was going on.  But I stayed awake a little longer to see if it happened again.

And I learned during my Stress Test that he's like a fish right now.  Swimming around and swallowing his own pee.  Ha, and when he--his little stubborn butt--wouldn't perform right, the tech buzzed him with a device to scare him and get his heart rate to spike to 160 for 15 seconds.  She had to buzz a few times until she found the sweet spot.  Found it she did, as soon as she buzzed, he kicked the device!  It was funny.  

The ladies haven't started leaking yet, I keep wondering when that's going to happen.  Means I'll have to start wearing bras again.  But I'm looking forward to it. 

Today, I exchanged the fall decorations for the winter ones, as well as brought some more baby stuff into the kitchen, like his bottles and snack containers.  Everything's in transition right now; not just me, and all of these weird ass and often gross changes that come with pregnancy (not to mention the weird things that nipples do during the process.....nipples are quite strange!). 

~)O(~

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Today's Rant is Brought to You by the Letter 'F'

First off, I had to move today's ultrasound back to Tuesday, because I couldn't get a ride and hubby couldn't get it off.  So now I've got four appointments next week, three of them all on the same day!  Hey I'd rather it be all in one day than spread out throughout the week, ya know?  But I still have my first Stress Test tomorrow.

Okay, so this morning, whilst my stomach was making odd sounds, now that everything's being rearranged I'm never quite sure where any of my organs are now-a-days, it sparked my curiosity!  I wanted to know whether or not babies cried in the womb (which they do; it's not actual crying, it's ore or less going through the motions, practicing so to speak).  So I Googled and browsed and one of the forums ignited this Facebook rant:

"Preggo and Parenting forums are a great place to get information sometimes...until you get to the fluffy moms.  The ones who're just so.....cheesy and...I dunno, the only word that comes to mind is FLUFFY!  Fluffy, slightly different from the Pagan type of Fluffy.  Depending on your take of a Fluffy Bunny.  Like cute and cuddly, romanticizing everything, everything's Love and Light, finds the most dumb and normal things to be so sad and just sheer naive stupidity.  The kind of stuff that makes ya wanna hurl. 

One of the comments was, "It's so sad that when the babies cry [in the womb] and you can't hold them!" "It's makes me sad that there's something to make them cry." And "Poor little baby!"  "And now I'm sobbing!  I feel horrible!" 


Technically, you are holding them for one.  And two, why is it sad?  They're babies, some just cry!  Maybe he's got a cramp?  Maybe she's just testing it out, it's something new to do.  Maybe they're bored?  Perhaps mom's laying some way and he's annoyed because he can't move how he wants to?  It's normal!  Maybe the body's just testing it out to make sure it works!

Oh, makes me glad I'm not this naive and cheesy
."

True story.  For some reason I can't find the exact forum where I got the first couple of quotes from, and I was just there...eh, it's not important. 

Eh, maybe I'm just heartless?  ;-)  Seems to be a running theme this week.

Oh, and by the way, I'm 33 weeks preggo!  On TheBump.com they compared the size to a durian.  Okay.  This thing is spikey as hell.  They couldn't find a smoother fruit to compare the baby's size to?  Though the other night, I felt (for the first time) one of Lycan's more painful kicks, so I can see how a durian might be slightly accurate.  ;-)

~)O(~

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Rule 32: Enjoy the Little Things

I was pretty upset yesterday, which is funny because when the incident with the bitchy nurse first happened, I was more in a mood of, "Is this bitch serious?  Is she really treating me like a 5-year-old?"  I was more stunned with a side of WTF? than upset.  It was almost comical.  Of course, moodswings tend to do so for the worst nowadays.  (<-- wtf am I trying to say in this sentence?  thanks dyslexia!)

Actually, being an Aries, irrationality and emotional moments tends to happen a lot.  Though with the hormones, I'm either apathetic, weepy, or a rage-a-holic.  Fortunately, the rage-a-hol isn't a common thing.  I actually haven't been all that whiny these past 7 months either.  Only recently has it really begun to pick up.  (in case you haven't noticed)

After talking to other women who were preggo with either GD or Type 2, they made me feel better by saying that, yes, it's typical fucked up scare tactics......because, you know, we don't have enough to worry about.  So I'll just keep on keeping on with my Aries self!  Doing what I'm doing; it ain't perfect, but I'm tryin!

Lately, Goats (which I love) are everywhere!  All over Tumblr, popping up on my Facebook feed, and on a Yuletide Blog Festival thingy that I'm thinking about doing, as mentioned in yesterday's BOM post.  Not going to lie, I only clicked the link because of the goat! 

I don't know what it is about them, I've just liked goats.  Especially if they have horns....then again I like most horned and antlered animals.  Surprisingly enough, my brother--who's 6.5 years older and we're not all that close--likes em, too.  I was stunned to learned that he wants a farm with a couple of goats, too.  That's awesome.  We are related! ...through our love of goats!

I think that Mouflon Ram is trying to tell me something.  He's my Fire Spirit Animal and has been a Companion for a long time.  He's just really fitting because we're both Rams.  Like, I'm an Aries almost to a 'T'; and of course he's actually a Ram to a 'T'....  He's fiery, and fire is both a destructive force, as well as a creative one.  It can burn and maim, but also warm and heal.  Learning to balance these two aspects are just what me and him have been doing for many years.  Also being a Ram, he represents perseverance and strength.  Gotta keep on keepin on. 

A couple weeks ago, my Water Spirit Animal came back and was churning the waters of creativity with inspiration and motivation.  Orca's also been kind of checking up on me, too.  Orca, who's more of a protector in teaching strength and kinship for me.  Now here comes Mouflon Ram.  Who, as I've mentioned, is a lot like me.  I've been feeling a bit stressed and worried and I think they're all showing up to take my mind off of my fears, which is really comforting. 

In the weeks leading up to my handfasting, many Animal Messengers appeared letting me know that everything was going to be fine!  And, the handfasting wasn't cookie cutter perfection, but it was totally us, which made it perfect!

Rams are popping up in serene pictures, along with other horned and antlered animals.  Of course, when I see em, I get all happy and weird, especially if they've got a nice rack.  Other horned goats are popping up as the Yule Goat or the Julbock a lot recently, which is actually making me excited to write wintry/Yule-ish inspired posts, and is making me excited for the Winter Solstice this year.  Especially since lately I've been wanting to skip everything and just get to January already!  I'm actually looking forward to December.

I'm looking forward to finishing the Pagan Blog Project and to doing the Yuletide Blog Festival; I'm looking forward to the Winter Solstice and to making crafty gifts for two friends...since I'm pretty sure that's all I'll have the energy for....though who knows, maybe Beluga Whale can motivate me to do other crafty things.  SIMPLE things for other family members, like Bottle Snowmen filled with candy.  And I'm looking forward to spending Christmas with the family.  Figure might as well enjoy the little things, even things like just laying in bed, cuddling with the husband without baby interruption, or laying in bed with my headphones on, jamming out until I'm ready to get up.  Won't be able to do that when Lycan's here.  Time to hang out with the BFF a bit more too.

Tomorrow I'll be 33 weeks preggo with another ultrasound. 

Tuesdays and Fridays--1 pm--are my scheduled Stress Tests. 

And I'm also starting to have weekly doctor's appointments.  So I'm up to at least 3 appointments a week now.  That's a lot of time at the hospital!

Rule 32 is an important one to keep us sane!

~)O(~

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

That's Me!

Haha, I got yelled at by the nurse today.  And she called me selfish.  Why am I so selfish?  Because I didn't call back when they tried calling for a Stress Test that I was led to believe was already scheduled for today.  Why didn't I call back?  Because my ears have been popping so bad lately that I can't always hear or know how loud I'm talking.  Not to mention, that they call in the morning, when my husband's at work with the phone; and by the time he gets home, due to my poor short term memory I forget.  Not to mention, I've fucking got preggo brain.  But that doesn't matter because I'm selfish! 

Oh, and I'm also selfish and stupid because I made an honest mistake in forgetting my Diabetes Diary, which I didn't even know I was supposed to bring because I thought I was having a Stress Test!

Not to mention I'm also dumb because the Stress Test isn't for me, it's for my baby and being diabetic puts me at higher risk of having a stillborn, because you know, I don't already know this.  It's not on my fucking mind every time I eat or test.  I haven't cried my eyes out over it for weeks since learning because I'm stupid and selfish.  I haven't been on top of my diet or anything, because I'm so selfish and don't give two shits about my son.  You know....because I'm stupid and selfish.

Not to mention she treated me like I was a fucking child and had me call to schedule for something that I was lead to believe was already done in front of her.  Because I'm just so damn stupid and selfish. 

At least the doctor understood.  She knows I'm not fucking stupid.  I just don't understand why they feel the need to lecture me over this shit and use these fucking scare tactics?  Cause that's so smart to use, especially on a woman who's had a miscarriage a little over a year ago!  And I've been doing great with my blood sugar, like my doctor is still impressed!  I get that some women just don't care, but that doesn't mean that we're all like that!

I honestly forgot.  I made an honest mistake and that fucking bitch of an RN treated me like I was the worst person!  Let's forget allllllll of the hard work and good things I've been doing because I made two mistakes, which makes me worse than Hitler apparently.  Obviously I don't really want this kid or anything!  Because I'm just so fucking clueless about what's going on.  Because I'm so stupid and selfish.

Good job.  

~)O(~

Monday, November 26, 2012

Knowing Better and Teaching Boundaries

Yay I feel better.  Apparently I just needed food...and probably vitamins, since I didn't take any yesterday.

Over the summer, we went to my husband's family reunion, and I saw something that annoyed the crap out of me.  So, being my usual self, it's still on my mind.

Okay, so there was a little girl that was pestering that crap out of this toy dog.  He growled and everything at her.  And the parents and adults around this scene, instead of telling her to stop, or warning her, they egged her on, because it was just so cute!  When the dog snapped at her--a warning snap--didn't actually bite her--she was babied and the dog was punished.

What?

I voiced my concerns and was treated like an idiot.  They said, it's a dog, it should know to not bite a human.

So it's okay to not defend yourself?  It's okay to teach your children to keep on bugging an animal, and to ignore the warning signs...because it's an animal and you're a human?  The animal should know better?

I think my IQ dropped.

Okay, I'm one of those people who holds that alpha-subordinate mindset when it comes to dogs, because that's natural, it's instinctive for dogs to follow suit.  I'm alpha, you don't challenge me.  If you do, I'll make you submit.  If you don't, you're out of this house.  But at the same time, I think any animal has a right to defend itself, be it from a obnoxious child who doesn't know better or an abusive adult who does know better.  (or at least they oughta, right?)

And one would think that you'd educate your child on such things like, not petting an animal too hard, to not hit the animal for no reason, to back off when an animal bars its teeth, hisses, or growls, and not to run from an strange dog; but I guess things are different with my husband's family. You know, because it's an animal, it should know better.

A couple weeks ago, my BIL was over and they have a really submissive docile dog, who let's the kid do whatever to her.  The parents do too.  Whatever, it's just a dog.  They're all the same.  It's okay to hit the dog, especially when it's not doing what you want it to do.  Or because it's funny.  The parent's aren't going to correct it, so it's cool, right?  Hahaha, look how much fun our son is having at our dog's expense.  It's so cute. 

So my nephew was eating or something and our dog is well trained.  He's not going to eat your food if you leave it unattended.  Yet my nephew kept scarfing down his food when our dog even got close.  This kid even smacked our dog when he got too close.  Bear let it go.  I was pissed off, because the parents didn't tell him that wasn't okay, and neither did my husband.

So my nephew, who's 2 by the way, was loving on his dad, laughing and whatnot, and Bear got excited, because my BIL used to own him.  Bear wanted to play too; and my BIL was playing back with both him and his son.  My nephew hit Bear and my dog gave a warning snap, which pissed my nephew off and he hit Bear harder.  Bear growled and gave another warning snap.  My husband yelled at Bear, instead of his nephew!

What the fuck?

I looked at my husband and asked if he was serious.  He said that it doesn't matter because Bear shouldn't have done that.  I said, "He should'n't have defended himself?  He didn't do anything wrong.  He was playing and Justin smacked him for no reason; got pissed off and hit him harder.  And Bear's in the wrong?  Not your nephew?"

It's different if the kid wasn't doing anything at all, and Bear growled or snapped at him, but no this kid hit my dog twice, because in his house that's okay to hit the dog.  Hit the dog because you're mad, hit the dog because it's not doing what you want it to do, hit the dog because it's fun and it's not going to do anything back.

What great lessons to teach your child!  Let's treat all dogs--all animals--violently because they're all the same!  If they bite you, even if you hit em, it's okay it hit em harder and to punish them!  If they defend themselves, they're in the wrong. 

What the flying fuck?  Did I step into the Twilight Zone??!?!?!?

I don't understand this mindset that my husband's family has, then again, I have way more experience with animal nature than they do.  Not to mention, my family, even for as redneck and hilljack as they can be, taught me better.  They taught us better.  You don't pet the animal too hard, otherwise it's going to defend itself.  You don't hit an animal just because you're mad.  You leave the animal alone when they hiss or growl at you.  If they bite you after the warning signs are given, it's your fault, not theirs; did you learn your lesson? 

I don't get it, but I know that I'm teaching our children better, because that's not just fucked up, BUT it's also stupid and irresponsible!  How fuckin ignorant can you be to raise your child with that idea, and think it's okay to apply it to other people's pets?!?!  Hell, any animal for that matter!  Like this kid, when my ferret didn't give him attention that he wanted, shook Marsden's cage.  You damn straight I yelled at him...then his parents and my husband made me the bad guy, because he wasn't hurting the ferret.

It's about boundaries.  You gotta teach em to your kids, people!  I don't care if he wasn't harming my ferret physically, but he was stressing my ferret out mentally, who did nothing wrong!  I don't care that your son is a fucking toddler, even infants and 1-year-olds can be taught about boundaries!  I don't care if he does it at his house, this isn't his house, he ain't doing it here.  Teach your children better!

It's called respect.  If that makes me the bad guy and the mean aunt, because I'm doing your job in my house, so be it.  Someone needs to.   If you think it's okay for your child to act like a fucking brat in someone else house and touch whatever they want and terrorize their pets without care, you need to be educated.  It may be okay in your other friend's homes, but it ain't okay here.  I will say something about it (and I have, to both the child and the parents).

What do you in your house is whatever, I don't care, but you best be ready to teach him some fucking manners when visiting other people's houses, even if it's something as small as how to treat other people's pets!

I've said it time and time again, my BIL is a great role model for what not to do.  And not just for me.  My SIL uses him as a model too, and is teaching her 1-year-old twins better (seeing them is how I know it's possible to teach your young kids - and without spanking, mind you).  Kids are still going to be kids, they're young, they're going to test you to see just how far they can go (and not all are the same).  They're also going to have days where they're cranky and stubborn, but it's like training a dog, you have to be consistent and instill something, some form of education and respect in them.  You have to, it's one of your many jobs as a parent!  I know it's not always easy and I know it takes work, like I said, it's like animal training, consistency and patience are major components in most lessons!

Who ever said that being a parent was easy?

I've had this talk many times with my husband, to the point where he's actually said something to his brother about it.  I don't wanna tell you how to raise your kids--apparently I don't have any experience in that field, yet.  I'm just asking that you teach them respect in my home, at least.  If this makes me a whiny bitch who doesn't know shit about children, so be it.  But I've seen time and time again that's fucking possible to teach your unruly kids about respect.  It's best to do it when they're young, and yes you can do it in a positive fashion!  Positive reinforcement!  Teaching them to not do something doesn't need to be something negative, and I don't think they understand that. 

By the way, I'm not the only bad guy, so's grandma because she doesn't just let him do whatever the fuck he wants at anyone's house, not even his own.  And that mindset of "oh, he's a toddler, they're impossible" doesn't phase her.  She's raised 4 kids.  She's a little meaner than I am.  I just yell or stop him by getting his attention with a stern voice.  She yells and spanks (on the hand), whereas it's not my place to spank someone else's kids.

So these are just the things that've been on my mind--things that I'm going to teach my children better about, or at least try.  At least TRY.   T-R-Y, BIL.  I just wanna know how he's going to react when his son takes this thought of "it's okay to hit" out on his sister when she annoys him (or other kids)?  What, egg him on?  Reward him, but punish her?  Am I pushing it a bit?  Yeah, but think if it from your kids point of view.  It's gotta be confusing.  Or maybe he should just know better because he's a human and humans, like animals, are just born with those instincts. 

Maybe my BIL's right, maybe I am just a whiny bitch who doesn't know shit about parenting and therefore should keep my mouth shut, especially when it comes to what his kids can do in my house and to my pets?   Hm.

~)O(~